WIBU to have had a go at my Mum for food shaming?

[MrsHughesPinny]

My mother and I have always had a complex relationship. She’s very image conscious and I have pretty low self esteem when it comes to my appearance and relationships, but not in my working life, that’s the one place I feel confident.

We’re living together temporarily (I’m paying 50% towards bills, the folks are mortgage free) because I’m waiting for my new house to be finished and in the past month, I’ve had to ask her to stop with the negative comments and food shaming. I’m ashamed to say that this morning I completely went off at her.

She saw I’d had some toast last night, because she watches things like a hawk, down to slices of bread, and this morning said “I see you’ve been stuffing yourself with carbs again” I just went mad and told her I’ve repeatedly asked her not to say things like that. My weight is up and down a bit but I’m fit and healthy and I haven’t asked her for help or advice about it.

Here are some examples from just this month:

I showed her a lovely picture of my sister who has a busy job so we don’t see her much. Her first response to it? “God, she’s gone hell of a size!” She hasn’t.

DS15 - who is like a rake - was eating a normal sized bag of Maltesers and she said “pigging out again are we?” I pulled her up on it immediately because I don’t want DS exposed to that and she said she was just saying something normal and it’s not her fault that’s the way my “crazy brain heard it.”

I was about to go out to run some errands and got a can of pop out of the fridge to take with me. She said “stealing pop again, are you?” I said “given that I pay towards the bills no, but here, have it back.”

I made some breakfast (cereal) and went to sit down at the table with my computer to WFH and she said, I thought you said you were making an omelette for lunch, why are you eating cereal? Because it’s 8 a.m, not 1 p.m.

I’ve been NC with her before but it causes so much stress on the rest of the family I just try to suck it up but she really, really got to me this morning.

Am I being over-sensitive? How could I have handled this better? There’s such an atmosphere now.

Sounds like she has an eating disorder.

You aren't going to change her. You can only change the way you interact with her about this. If that means NC then that is what you have to do but there is probably a middle way.

That would piss me off. You're an adult, what you eat is none of her business.
I'm petty enough to comment back on everything she eats just to prove a point.

I highly doubt she'll take any notice of you so there's no 'better' way to handle it.

Grey rock possibly

She sounds awful. But I don't know what you can do whilst you're living with her really. You can only continue to reject everything she says, and talk to your ds about grandma's unhealthy ideas about food. Make sure he knows she's wrong. And move out asap!

My mum is like this- you have my sympathy. Well done for saying something but it's unlikely to change what sounds like a lifetime's habit.

I'm not sure what else you can do other than wait to move out.

Oh come on.

You need to find your own place to live while your house is being completed. Moving yourself and your daughter into your parents house when you have a poor relationship with your (unpleasant sounding) mother was never going to work.

There is a wide ground between going NC and living in their house. All the examples you mention would not have arisen if you weren't living together - you could just see them as much or little as you wanted.

You need to move out and rent somewhere until your house is ready. She’s not going to stop with her comments and you’re not going to stop being infuriated by them.

The living situation is far from ideal. My Dad insisted on it. It’s only for a couple of months and enough time had passed since the previous NC that I thought it would be ok temporarily. Financially, it helps enormously because I’m a single parent.

She has got a disordered view on food, she talks so much about other people’s appearances. Just women though, mostly, although somehow DS got caught up in it this time. He just shrugged it off but I was livid.

I’ll have to count to 10 a lot over the next month and then go back to being more limited.

Moving out is the obvious answer.

In the meantime, it’s perfectly OK to tell a 15yo that your mother has issues around food and to pay no attention to her comments.

You’re not going to change her. I personally wouldn’t ignore it though - especially as sometimes it’ll be phrased as a question. So I’d pick one line and use it every time, something like, “you’re commenting on my food again”, and then ignore.

My mother is exactly the same, including the "it's not my fault you took it like that" defence mechanism when someone points out that she's being offensive. She constantly critiques my weight and my looks. Your living circumstances aren't ideal but if you can suck it up for a month without taking too much emotional damage, I agree going LC with her thereafter is probably a good way to go.

That sounds tough. I'd try and avoid her as much as possible. Possibly just 'join in' eg when she says about the toast 'That's right Mum! I just love those delicious carbs! Would you like a slice?' or the maltesers, say 'yes, we are such little piggies hehe' maybe make oinking noises?! If she comments on cereal/omelette say yes I am having some cereal, I love to start the day with some sugary carbs. Can I get you a bowl? Say it all with a big smile and maybe she'll back off.

She probably won't - she sounds awful - but you might have an internal chuckle whilst you pass the time.

I think maybe follow up with a calm explanation that she may not realise it but her constant supervision of other people’s eating and comments on the same are rude at best and abusive at worst. Ask her calmly to refrain from making any comments to you and your kids about what you are or are not eating. Tell her it makes her look extremely unhinged and obsessive.

move out if it doesn’t stop.

My Dad insisted on it. It’s only for a couple of months and enough time had passed since the previous NC that I thought it would be ok temporarily. Financially, it helps enormously because I’m a single parent.

Nope. You are a grown woman with at least one teenage child - your father can't insist on anything (unless he is buying or building your new house?).

And the financial support they are offering by letting you live rent free comes with the cost of your mother's personality. There is a limit on how much you can argue with her when you are choosing (or needing) to be financially dependent on them, which if course makes her digs more uncomfortable.

My aim in that situation would be to become financially independent of them and stay that way.

Just outright say to her "mum, we all know you have issues with food. Luckily the rest of us haven't inherited your eating disorder and I'd like to keeep it that way. You don't interfere with what we eat and we won't interfere with what you eat. End of story, no more talking about food please"

That’s what I ended up saying this morning, unfortunately loudly, and she didn’t take it well. She said it’s not her fault that I take everything personally and that I’m over sensitive.

Being here isn’t ideal, but I was trying to give my DS and I a better start post-divorce and house sale by saving a couple of months’ cash to get us set up in the new place. Sounds like that was the wrong idea but you live and learn.

Please don't blame your dad for 'insisting' you stay there. You are an adult, a parent. Own your decision to stay there. Fine to try it out and hope that things might be different but be honest with yourself. If you can't manage your own responses to her clearly rude and disordered remarks about food (she is unlikely to change) then you need to move out.

“Mum, what is really the issue here? Is it bc you’d really like to eat this stuff but can’t because your food anxiety won’t let you?” Head tilt and look of faux concern.

I couldn’t have a relationship with someone like this, it’d do my head in - whether it causes stress to other people or not. What about the stress caused to your mental health by having this toxic woman in your life?

@Grimbelina I didn’t intend to come across like I was blaming him for anything, he’s trying to do a nice thing. He’s told her off a few times too, especially when she made the comment about my sister. But his stance is often “you know what she’s like, just ignore her!”

as @bumpytrumpy said. Every single time she says something about you eating something just keep repeating, ad infinitum: "As previously mentioned Mum, don't project your eating disorder onto me or DS".

And she KNOWS she's upsetting you each time but still says things. So rude. What you or your DS eats is of no concern to her or anyone else.

How long is it until your house will be ready?

YANBU at all, either move out and rent if you can or have a conversation with your DC and explain to completely ignore the comments- it’s her issue not anyone else’s problem.

@AdoraBell Mid-May and not a moment too soon!

YANBU at all. Unless you can get a short term let you might just have to put up with it until mid May though, and encourage DC to ignore it when it happens and come to you with any questions or worries about food, and do your best to ignore it yourself!

Some of her comments reminded me of some of the competitive under-eating posts on here, is she a MNer?!

Haha I have a relative like this and they could be twins!! I would think it's her except her DD isn't living at home.

I kill her with kindness and over do the response.

"Oh having a slice of cake are we"

"Yes dear aunt, I noticed you were eyeing it up and said that with quite a wobbly voice, are you ok? Are you feeling quite well? Are you faint? My goodness shall I get you a slice of cake? You must be feeling a bit off to staring at my food deary" and prattle on for a good few minutes while she looks bemused.

If she says something outright awful about weight "oh you are funny you silly old sausage, we know bette than all that old guff these days, im making sure DD doesn't worry about any of that daft garbage about food or her body HA, thank goodness things have moved on and people don't spout that nonsense in earnest any more!"

Then when she tries to continue or says that I've hurt her feelings I use her own tricky, look bemused and say "gosh I didn't realise you were so sensitive and would take it like that"

For me the pros of wider family contact with everyone outweighs the cons of this one specific problem and I openly ridicule and refute every. Single. Comment about food or weight especially in front of DD