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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

533 replies

Meanswell · 26/03/2023 22:14

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

OP posts:
Rosula · 27/03/2023 00:06

Meanswell · 26/03/2023 23:45

My deal is I wanted to approach her without upsetting her. My first reaction was to go and knock. However she is very overprotective, argumentative and I also want to be understanding and tactful whilst ensuring the safety of my child

I'd suggest you approach this on the basis that this behaviour is putting her child in danger, which it certainly is.

Lysianthus · 27/03/2023 00:07

This reply has been deleted

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I've reported your post. Either you're hard of thinking, or genuinely stupid.

CreaturesAreSleeping · 27/03/2023 00:16

I can't believe some of the answers to this!
Your poor daughter, OP

ThereIbledit · 27/03/2023 00:20

Tell her the facts of what happened. Tell her that it wasn't acceptable behaviour and that you'd appreciate an assurance that it won't happen again. Don't tell her how to parent her son, that will only rile her up.

Report the incident to your local muti-agency safeguarding hub. His mum most likely wont be told about the report and it won't ever be communicated to her that you made it - but you need to report it for HIS safeguarding (as well as those around him).

Consider getting your daughter and yourself into some sort of martial arts training. It is an incredible confidence restorer, knowing that you would be able to handle it if that sort of thing happened again. (Before MNers jump on me I'm NOT saying it's the victims responsibility to learn how to physically handle the incident happening again - clearly it's his mum's responsibility to prevent it - but I imagine the incident has left a mark on OP's daughter's psyche and this would be a positive thing to redress that if so).

Cocolatte24 · 27/03/2023 00:21

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CoosLick · 27/03/2023 00:22

CreaturesAreSleeping · 27/03/2023 00:16

I can't believe some of the answers to this!
Your poor daughter, OP

Me neither!

It doesn't matter whether the boy is NT or ND, having ANYONE run at you naked on the street is shocking and frightening, regardless of whether you are 14 or 40. OP's DD doesn't have to make allowances for his behaviour, it's unacceptable, even if there is no ill intention. Definitely mention it to his mum OP, for his sake as well as your daughters.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/03/2023 00:26

Raineth · 26/03/2023 22:23

Oh fuck off, no girls don’t need to be educated that they must be kind and accept that some men will flash them and chase them while naked.

OP text the boy’s mother if you have her number, or speak to her if you don’t. Keep it very calm and fact based. “Hi. My daughter is currently scared to leave the house because your son keeps standing out the front completely naked and recently chased her home, naked. I know the situation is very difficult. My daughter has a right to leave the house without being chased by naked men. What can you do to prevent this happening again?”

Show quote history

I tend to agree with this.

Tough situation for the boy's family but traumatizing others isn't the solution.

Groutyonehereagain · 27/03/2023 00:27

I would call the police and report what happened. It’s not on.

Divorcedalongtime · 27/03/2023 00:29

Bbq1 · 26/03/2023 23:49

Haven't rtft but the majority of it and I'm shocked at the lack of compassion and understanding shown towards the boy. He clearly has severe learning difficulties and is also non verbal. Clothes may be painful for him to wear hence his nakedness. He's much more at risk of harm than the girl and his poor mother must be struggling with his behaviour. All the drama with comments along the lines of how young women should be able to go out without naked men chasing them. Ffs, he's not a nt man chasing her and he's not a predator. I doubt he's capable of attacking her and probably has no desire to do so. I hope he and his mum get any support they need and I would teach boys and girls some empathy and yes, basic human kindness. Boys and girls. Not every male is a sexual predator.

There is zero say if knowing he isn’t any of those things. Why should the young girl risk assault just because the boy may not be dangerous. What if he is?
I was sexually assaulted by an escaped mental patient as a young child , it happens. Just because they are mentally like children doesn’t mean they don’t have urges more like adults.

Snorlaxing · 27/03/2023 00:33

I am very shocked by the answers here. A naked 16 year old teen running towards an early teen teenage girl is going to be very scary for her. I would be scared and I'm in my 40s. She is not being dramatic and I'd like to see those accusing her of this not reacting to a naked 16 year old running towards them.
I think I would approach it from the angle of his safety. What is someone films and puts him on the Internet?

ThereIbledit · 27/03/2023 00:33

But neither you nor I know him. What makes you know his motives were harmful? I didn't suggest KNOWING anything. What I was suggesting to the OP was that her daughter doesn't need to be afraid of him. He's in the wrong. The op was asking about how to help her daughter because she was feeling scared about seeing a naked neighbour kid? She should not be scared of him. That's what I was suggesting. If he was being aggressive, which was not indicated in the original question, a little different, but he's naked, rip his balls off.

It doesn't matter what his motives were. A naked teenage boy rushed at a girl. It was a perfectly reasonable and proportionate response for her to be alarmed and afraid.

Are you naive enough to think that a teenage boy who is quite severely autistic (enough to have no concept that being naked outside of the home and rushing up to people isn't appropriate) would have had the impulse control to stop before he touched her? That he wouldn't have either deliberately or accidentally caused harm to the OP's daughter? That the OP's daughter - a CHILD - shouldn't have been afraid of this but have been prepared and able to to "rip his balls off" before he harmed her?

It's utter gaslighting to say that she shouldn't be scared of him. Every woman and child should have enough of a preservation instinct to be afraid of a naked teenage or adult male rushing up to them.

PinkFrogss · 27/03/2023 00:37

I would text her, rather than go knocking based on what you’ve said OP. That way you’ll also have a written and dated record of what’s happened.

irreverent · 27/03/2023 00:37

Divorcedalongtime · 27/03/2023 00:29

There is zero say if knowing he isn’t any of those things. Why should the young girl risk assault just because the boy may not be dangerous. What if he is?
I was sexually assaulted by an escaped mental patient as a young child , it happens. Just because they are mentally like children doesn’t mean they don’t have urges more like adults.

Show quote history

This is why I feel the best thing the op could do, it's make her daughter feel able to deal with it. Obviously bring it up with the neighbours but it's most important that she feel safe, and you can't personally keep them safe forever, so she needs to know that she could have protected herself in that situation, and how to. Because op mentioned she was feeling scared. And there is no need for her to. She definitely could protect herself. It's important to know that.

Snorlaxing · 27/03/2023 00:38

While we don't know how the young man would have behaved if he'd caught up with OP's dd, she is not unreasonable to want to have a chat or be hugged with someone not wearing clothes.

Divorcedalongtime · 27/03/2023 00:41

irreverent · 27/03/2023 00:37

This is why I feel the best thing the op could do, it's make her daughter feel able to deal with it. Obviously bring it up with the neighbours but it's most important that she feel safe, and you can't personally keep them safe forever, so she needs to know that she could have protected herself in that situation, and how to. Because op mentioned she was feeling scared. And there is no need for her to. She definitely could protect herself. It's important to know that.

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Agree

Snorlaxing · 27/03/2023 00:42

Isn't it some sort of safeguarding risk if you chat or hug an adolescent with special needs? Nobody wants to be falsely accused of being a pervert or grooming ?

Tarantellah · 27/03/2023 00:42

I’m autistic myself, and being autistic isn’t an excuse for breaking the law. The authorities will still deal with you according to the laws you broke. Of course they will be more understanding and the consequences will be different if your autism has caused you to commit the crime. But you certainly can’t get away with illegal behaviour just because you’re autistic. The police need to be involved because this person has committed indecent exposure; it’s up to them how it’s dealt with.

Nikeandreebok · 27/03/2023 00:43

I understand your concerns and I'd be upset for my daughter too OP. I am quite surprised by some of the replies on here tbh! 'a touch dramatic', what BS. Your poor daughter. No one should have to put up with men/boys running at you with bits hanging out , autistic or not! 🙄 I'd report it to the police. Hopefully they'll have a word with his mum.

Andthatstheend · 27/03/2023 00:47

Raineth · 26/03/2023 22:23

Oh fuck off, no girls don’t need to be educated that they must be kind and accept that some men will flash them and chase them while naked.

OP text the boy’s mother if you have her number, or speak to her if you don’t. Keep it very calm and fact based. “Hi. My daughter is currently scared to leave the house because your son keeps standing out the front completely naked and recently chased her home, naked. I know the situation is very difficult. My daughter has a right to leave the house without being chased by naked men. What can you do to prevent this happening again?”

Show quote history

Yep

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2023 00:47

Some of the replies are astounding. The police and social services need to be called. A naked 16 year old male, chasing a young girl, is absolutely a threat. Those thinking he isn't capable of sexual assault are delusional.

Inthedeep · 27/03/2023 00:52

Livelovebehappy · 26/03/2023 22:54

Autism or not, I would be on the phone to the police. It’s not appropriate behaviour and his mother needs to monitor him better, or get help if she isn’t capable of parenting him.

Wow… to say the mother needs to get help if she isn’t capable of parenting him, is so unbelievably unfair. Do you have any idea how hard it is parenting a child with severe autism? I don’t know her but it’s likely she’s worn down, stressed, anxious and probably at her limit. She may have taken her eye off the child momentarily and for this one lapse she is being judged as being incapable. Also, if you think getting outside help and care for her son is easy, you are in for a shock. Families of disabled adults and children are at breaking point because there is next to no support for them at all.

I’m really struggling with the people saying inform the Police and making it out to be sexual intent. I’m assuming the original poster knows the boy and what his intentions are likely to have been in this situation and if she felt there are likely to have been malicious she would have called the Police. The OP obviously don’t feel there was a sexual intention so why should she call the Police, why cause further stress and anxiety for the parents.

For context my brother has severe autism, is pretty non verbal and is 30 years old. Mentally he’s like an 18 month to 2 year old. He has zero idea that being naked in front of someone either not in your family or caring for you is inappropriate. Luckily he is obsessed with certain clothes and it’s hard enough keeping him out of a jumper in the summer that him stripping naked isn’t something we have to worry about. However he is extremely social and when friends or family visit and he’s on the loo or something he has been known to try and rush out to greet them with his trousers round his ankles (luckily my Mum has always managed to intercepte him so far!) or even try and call them into the downstairs toilet to see him! None of this nakedness would have been sexual and nor should it be sexualised. Don’t assume there was sexual intent with this boy either, especially as the OP seems to think no harm was meant.

I totally understand this will have been traumatic for the OPs daughter and I feel very sorry for her and obviously his parents should be made aware. They will probably feel awful when they find out how upset her daughter has been. I’m sure they will try their very hardest to make sure this never happens again, suggesting the OP goes in there laying down the law and demanding that this never happens again just sounds condescending and is just going to make the parents feel even more like failures and also make them anxious. Luckily the OP seems kind and very sensitive to their situation so I’m sure this can all be resolved amicably and without the parents feeling even more like failures and stressed. Most importantly hopefully this will help the OPs DD feel safe and happy to venture outside her front door again.

irreverent · 27/03/2023 00:54

Nikeandreebok · 27/03/2023 00:43

I understand your concerns and I'd be upset for my daughter too OP. I am quite surprised by some of the replies on here tbh! 'a touch dramatic', what BS. Your poor daughter. No one should have to put up with men/boys running at you with bits hanging out , autistic or not! 🙄 I'd report it to the police. Hopefully they'll have a word with his mum.

I fully understand wanting to report it to the police, but there very likely wasn't a crime committed. The police get called out to things they really shouldn't and I do think this would be one of them. Have a frank conversation with the neighbours, and make sure they know if he ever laid a hand on your daughter you would do anything to protect her, anything, and I doubt you're going to have a problem in future

Myyearmytime · 27/03/2023 00:57

I would google duty social services and report.

As this only the way the mother will get help.

And she will have to get help soon otherwise she will be coping with a man doing stuff like this and then so much less help.

BlackBarbies · 27/03/2023 01:00

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Are you being serious right now?

If someone comes running up to you completely naked in the middle of the street, you’re not just going to stand their unbothered. I wouldn’t just stand there let alone a young teenager, how the hell was she being dramatic?

‘Is nakedness not usual in your family?’ What a patronising dick you are! As if it’s the same thing to see your mum walking round the house naked

BlackBarbies · 27/03/2023 01:02

The fact that so many posters are suggesting that the OP’s daughter just ‘puts up and shut up’ is crazy to me. This is so inappropriate and really shouldn’t happen again

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