To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

[Meanswell]

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

But neither you nor I know him. What makes you know his motives were harmful? I didn't suggest KNOWING anything. What I was suggesting to the OP was that her daughter doesn't need to be afraid of him. He's in the wrong. The op was asking about how to help her daughter because she was feeling scared about seeing a naked neighbour kid? She should not be scared of him. That's what I was suggesting. If he was being aggressive, which was not indicated in the original question, a little different, but he's naked, rip his balls off.

Haven't rtft but the majority of it and I'm shocked at the lack of compassion and understanding shown towards the boy. He clearly has severe learning difficulties and is also non verbal. Clothes may be painful for him to wear hence his nakedness. He's much more at risk of harm than the girl and his poor mother must be struggling with his behaviour. All the drama with comments along the lines of how young women should be able to go out without naked men chasing them. Ffs, he's not a nt man chasing her and he's not a predator. I doubt he's capable of attacking her and probably has no desire to do so. I hope he and his mum get any support they need and I would teach boys and girls some empathy and yes, basic human kindness. Boys and girls. Not every male is a sexual predator.

I was sexually assaulted by at 11 by a man who had a mental health condition similar to what OP has described here. And yes, I also heard some of the same comments about being kind or that he didn't know what he was doing echoed back to me too at the time (even though it was 25 years ago).

I'm glad you're not ignoring this OP and that you're helping your daughter. As much as I have empathy for this boy, your duty is keeping your daughter safe.

Given that it seems pretty clear from your message that this boy is very vulnerable, how is his mother being overprotective?

And rightly so OP.

Unfortunately too many posters thinks she should! It’s a scary world we live in (and I don’t mean because of your neighbours son, but the minimising and excusing of his actions and the suggestion your daughter should accept this)

What? That nursing home needs looking at. That's a horrible dehumanising thing to do to the elderly and unwell.

So if your bigger and stronger neighbour decided to run at you, naked, what good intentions make that acceptable?

it’s reasonable, and wise, to fear someone that can cause you harm. This boy absolutely could have caused her physical harm, and has caused it mentally. She has every reason to be scared of him.

Teach your daughter to treat him with compassion. Of course she can come back in if she's uncomfortable. But no need to be scared of him

^

Wtf

It’s not an excuse to say he’s autistic and “doesn’t understand” as that wouldn’t be accepted as an excuse if he didn’t understand the law and stole things from shops.

Just as a point of fact, @SNWannabe, it would be accepted as an excuse. To be convicted of theft it has to be proved that the accused had the intention to permanently deprive the owner of the goods in question. If you are mentally incapable of understanding, you cannot form the required intention and couldn't be convicted.

He wasn't a 40 year old nt man "running at her" though but a severely autistic child.

I was quoting the original person who said "Perhaps besides being autistic he is mentally retardant. Maybe his IQ is like a child. Maybe his mother could put his clothes on backwards so he doesn’t take them off. We do that at the nursing home."
It's fucking sickening, and i hope doesn't actually go on but is rather some twisted individual's idea of humour

@Meanswell I am sorry for some of my coarse language in some comments. But yeah ultimately I think you already know what to do. Obviously speak to the lads parents, but very much make sure your daughter doesn't feel intimidated by what happened. Make sure she knows how to defend herself and call for help.

As well as chatting with your neighbour it’s important to report to non emergency police so it is on record. They will treat with compassion but also it is a safeguarding issue and he is a risk to others and not just your daughter. This also demonstrates to your daughter that she and her safety is your priority above everything else.

A close friend has an autistic brother who physically abused her and her parents minimised and ignored the abuse. Autistic people often have bad impulse control and this together with an inability to understand social norms means this boy absolutely is a risk and that risk shouldn’t be minimised but safeguards need to be in place.

Umm… this doesn’t quite sit right with me. I’d not be telling me young daughter that she’s wrong for feeling afraid that a naked boy ran at her, or that the situation is totally safe and normal. Because it isn’t? It’s difficult to navigate but that doesn’t mean pretend it’s all fine and ignore it at the risk of the young daughter.

I think you should tell the local police via the non-emergency number. This may not be a one-off so better that a record is built up.

To the posters saying that he meant no harm, or that you shouldn't call the police on an autistic child- i wouldn't if he was 6, but he's 16, he's not a small child, you have no idea if he intended any harm or not.

Even if he didn't mean any harm, he frightened a younger child, and she has a right to go about her day unmolested.

I know I would be frightened if this happened to me.

@Soontobe60 i agree with you it’s a safeguarding issue OP just go over and speak to his Mum - she may not be aware he was missing let alone naked and running after your DD. Children with ASD often like to be naked as wearing clothes can be a huge sensory issue for them.

He should be properly supervised at all time, being naked aside if he has no sense of danger he could have wandered off on his own. Steps need to be taken to ensure he is safe at all times.

His lack of safeguarding has led to your DDs lack of safeguarding unfortunately, she shouldn’t have been put in that position at all. Go speak to his Mum she will probably be upset and mortified but will want to know so she stop it happening again.

Why are you so sure he wouldn’t have caused her harm? People with learning difficulties still have sexual feelings, and aren’t inherently incapable of acting on them or incapable of inflicting harm.

“There is evidence to suggest that incidence of physical and sexual abuse is higher amongst children and adults with a learning disability than in the general population.”

https://www.wirralsafeguarding.co.uk/procedures/11-9-assessing-sexual-perpetrators-learning-disabilities/

As uncomfortable a subject as it may be, it happens.

Compassion for him does not mean brushing it off like it’s not a big deal. It is a big deal, for him AND for her. Furthermore, her safety (and the safety of others around him)should not be sacrificed in the name of ‘compassion’.

I’m just a bit gobsmacked that people aren’t aware of how vulnerable this boy was to be out on his own naked, with no supervisory adults. In this scenario I would have knocked on the door and if met by a ‘what is the problem’ response I’d have phoned the police. I know it’s tough but you can get door locks specially for kids that can escape - and I’d be very worried that this boy is going to come to harm if he does this regularly.

The fact that he ran at OPs daughter seems to be the only thing people are focused on. A very vulnerable child, was naked, on his own!

I agree with this. It's a safeguarding issue for BOTH OP's daughter, and the boy, and that's why it's so pressing she speaks to neighbour/non emergency police about it so something is done!

It’s tricky, he isn’t doing it deliberately. I would mention it to the neighbour politely. That would be traumatic for your daughter. If it happens a lot I would report it. Because one day he might get hurt as a result.

I don’t want to start a shitstorm here, but my friend’s son has a severe intellectual disability and as he as grown bigger and stronger he does act out sexually. This situation needs to be addressed.

I think if you already are expecting her to be dismissive & argumentative (I guess based on your previous interactions) then I would just stick to the facts. It's unlikely you will be able to avoid upsetting her as it's such a difficult topic and involves her son so she's obviously going to feel upset and want to defend him. Some of the replies in this post might give you an idea on what to expect.

You could try something like this

Unfortunately yesterday X,y,z happened. I find this unacceptable because... It has left my daughter feeling.... I felt it best to inform you as a first step. I trust it won't happen again.

If she tries to argue I would personally just disengage and not try to persuade her. I don't think you have much chance of changing her mind if she doesn't think it's a big deal.

There's always one....

The misquote related to @irreverent saying that @Danielle9891 had claimed that autism was not a learning disability - as she has acknowledged, she was mistaken, because of course it was you who incorrectly made that claim.