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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

533 replies

Meanswell · 26/03/2023 22:14

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 26/03/2023 23:30

SkyandSurf · 26/03/2023 23:22

You just need to talk to her with compassion. Her son was in a vulnerable situation as well. You both want to avoid it happening again.

I totally understand having a visceral reaction over it, but in this case it will be more helpful to approach it as two concerned mothers who need to avoid a bad situation from reoccurring.

If she is not receptive then that's another issue.

The dd and the neighbour are not on equal footing here. Autism or not, he posed a very real threat to her. A strong visceral reaction is perfectly reasonable and sensible, considering not only the harm that was done to her DD, but further harm that could have very easily been inflicted had he caught her.

His autism does not mean he is incapable of victimizing and seriously harming another, and OP’s demonstrating compassion to him should not be at the expense of her daughter’s safety.

whumpthereitis · 26/03/2023 23:30

lovelychops · 26/03/2023 23:27

No you don't call the police on an autistic non verbal child 🙄

Show quote history

You do if they’re posing a threat to those around them.

irreverent · 26/03/2023 23:31

I'm an idiot, replied to the wrong person

ireallycantthinkofaname · 26/03/2023 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

what in the actual honest to god fucking century are you living in?

maddening · 26/03/2023 23:33

lipstickwoman · 26/03/2023 22:18

I'd just talk to your daughter and explain. Simple.

Your neighbour is probably completely mortified and doing the best she can. There was nothing malicious or pervy. Your daughter needs to understand there are people in this life who need some tolerance and understanding

You cannot know that at all, autism does not mean he is not a threat and if his behaviour is deteriorating then his mum needs to know so she can put steps in place.

cocog · 26/03/2023 23:34

I would also contact the police or at least have a strong word with his mum she may not have been aware what he was up to. Your daughter is a young girl why should she have to put up with it. This is not fair on anyone. His mother has a duty of care to protect him and others from him. I completely have compassion for her situation but she’s putting him in a position in which he could be sent to prison he will feel the same as every other teenage boy with same urges what would he do if she hadn’t run she shouldn’t have to be scared to leave the house alone.

Carouselfish · 26/03/2023 23:34

Sorry, hang on. ND people still have hormones and sex drives. Being ND doesn't make them not have this motivation, even if the understanding might not be there.
Speaking as someone who was pinned down, legs forced apart as an 8 year old with my best friend, by a boy with, as we were told at the time, 'learning difficulties' of about 12, (fortunately it went no further and we fought him off.) protect your daughter, speak to the mother, walk outside with your dd. She doesn't have to be 'nice' or 'kind'.

lipstickwoman · 26/03/2023 23:35

I think @LauraTMarantette has just blown all our discussion about what is acceptable or not completely out of the water. I so hope she's not genuine

Shz · 26/03/2023 23:36

It doesn’t actually matter if he is on the spectrum - running about naked in public isn’t acceptable and chasing a young girl (or any person!) and frightening them naked or not is also unacceptable.

Your daughter doesn’t have to “understand” and/or accept the behaviour because he is on the spectrum. What if he did something even more inappropriate, should she accept that to????

I am shocked how many people appear to be of the opinion that a young girl being scared by this is “overdramatic” .

Contact the parents, they need to step in here and resolve this - before he behaves this way to somebody who doesn’t know him and calls the police

Danielle9891 · 26/03/2023 23:36

Reinventinganna · 26/03/2023 23:11

@Danielle9891 Autism is not a learning disability.

I think you've misquoted me I advised the OP to contact the police so the teen can either get more support (if he's standing naked in the garden then he's not getting it) or the police can keep an eye on him as he could be doing this on purpose. What happens if there's a next time and the girl doesn't have the sense to run away? Yes he might have done nothing or he might have hurt the girl.
I personally wouldn't forgive myself if I was OP and I didn't ring the police and he attacked someone next time.

Also, if he didn't understand what he was doing and I didn't get him help I'd feel bad if the next girl's parents saw red and hurt him. Many people would if they thought someone was flashing at their kid. Especially if they didn't know his age or background.

irreverent · 26/03/2023 23:37

This had got far out of hand. To the woman asking the original question, I maintain the best thing you can do, assuming the neighbours kid didn't mean harm or genuinely try to cause harm, is reassure your daughter she could defend herself in that situation if it was worse, and give her advice how to. Also definitely shout loudly, let the neighbours know.

saraclara · 26/03/2023 23:39

This reply has been deleted

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Okay. I want the name and address of that nursing home because the CQC really needs to hear about that.

There are specialist garments for people who try to undress. Garments that mean that they are treated with dignity.

What you are doing would see the caring element of the report (treating residents with dignity and respect) being rated inadequate..

Original poster
Meanswell · 26/03/2023 23:39

I really don’t like the message that had been left. I have reported it.

I appreciate everyone’s responses in regards to this. I will explain its for both of their safety and I really dont think he should be left alone, again for his safety and others around him.

OP posts:
AppleDumplingWithCustard · 26/03/2023 23:39

irreverent · 26/03/2023 23:10

I agree fully, but it seems this is also the first occurrence so it's not common? But most important is to make sure the lass knows she doesn't need to be afraid of him.

But maybe it’s perfectly reasonable to be afraid of him. What makes you think you know that his motives are not harmful?

Proudofitbabe · 26/03/2023 23:42

Of course you're right to address it. Can't have naked blokes chasing people, let alone young girls, for any reason. By telling the mum you're giving her a chance to stop it repeating. You can be diplomatic/understanding, but your child comes first for you, and rightly so.

Reinventinganna · 26/03/2023 23:42

Danielle9891 · 26/03/2023 23:36

I think you've misquoted me I advised the OP to contact the police so the teen can either get more support (if he's standing naked in the garden then he's not getting it) or the police can keep an eye on him as he could be doing this on purpose. What happens if there's a next time and the girl doesn't have the sense to run away? Yes he might have done nothing or he might have hurt the girl.
I personally wouldn't forgive myself if I was OP and I didn't ring the police and he attacked someone next time.

Also, if he didn't understand what he was doing and I didn't get him help I'd feel bad if the next girl's parents saw red and hurt him. Many people would if they thought someone was flashing at their kid. Especially if they didn't know his age or background.

Show quote history

‘He's nearly an adult now and he's lucky that a parent didn't publicity shame him online or went down there and started shouting and screaming or worst. Not everyone will know he's got learning difficulties’

No. These are your words.

Original poster
Meanswell · 26/03/2023 23:43

I also need to reiterate i do not think my daughter should put up with it, or that she should understand he didn’t mean it.

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 26/03/2023 23:43

You need to tell the mum OP. Your daughter shouldn’t have to put up with this because he’s autistic. The behaviour needs to be stopped. It could escalate, you don’t know. If you play it down with your daughter she could be more at risk. Or she may not be. But it’s best not to take a chance.

ARangaupatree · 26/03/2023 23:43

I'm struggling with your question tbh- surely you just go round to see her and say what happened - openly and the consequence - ie my daughter was scared. And then see what she says. She may be unaware - either in general that he is doing this or of this specific issue, in which case I suspect she'd be grateful to know. the worse case is that she either gets defensive or brushes it off - in which case you need to explain it is a problem that she needs to deal with otherwise it needs escalating- Does her son have a health worker/social service support do you know?
As for your daughter - i think just explain that this is just part of X's personality- he probably doesn't mean any harm but you are speaking to his parents and that she did the right thing in coming home

rwalker · 26/03/2023 23:43

Hat is the big deal just tell her son was outside naked

autistic or not and if anyone saw him or not it’s not acceptable
just tell her there no need to mention your daughter just the fact he was outside naked

Danielle9891 · 26/03/2023 23:45

irreverent · 26/03/2023 23:31

I'm an idiot, replied to the wrong person

It's ok it happens. 😂 I wished this site would shade in or highlight when we quote someone so it shows who wrote what.

LovingLivingLife · 26/03/2023 23:45

irreverent · 26/03/2023 23:37

This had got far out of hand. To the woman asking the original question, I maintain the best thing you can do, assuming the neighbours kid didn't mean harm or genuinely try to cause harm, is reassure your daughter she could defend herself in that situation if it was worse, and give her advice how to. Also definitely shout loudly, let the neighbours know.

I don't understand how some posters keep saying that the girl was in no danger, shouldn't have been scared or could defend herself. Unless she has been taught proper self defence I don't think a young teenage girl would stand much of a chance against a 16yo boy. Personally I think she did the best thing possible to run back inside and lock the door.

Again I definitely second the thought that non verbal autism somehow means a lack of sexual urges or intent. Perhaps, quite likely, a lack of understanding of the impact/ hurt that's being caused.

Personally I would as a first resort contact the mum but not in an apologetic way - factual but making it clear that it can't happen again. Who knows, perhaps a carer was supposed to be with him and wasn't paying attention, it could well be that she actually wasn't aware.

Original poster
Meanswell · 26/03/2023 23:45

My deal is I wanted to approach her without upsetting her. My first reaction was to go and knock. However she is very overprotective, argumentative and I also want to be understanding and tactful whilst ensuring the safety of my child

OP posts:
ToastMarmalade · 26/03/2023 23:47

I’d be concerned for his safety, the boy’s more than your daughter’s. He is showing no awareness at all for what nudity means, and that means that he will be a target for anyone who notices and could well be someone who just goes into someone’s car if they asked him.

Kids with SEN are more likely to be abused, bullied and targeted.

Having a kid with SEN I know it is difficult, and I have sympathy for the mum, but honestly I would raise this with someone as I worry for that boy’s safety. My friend has special locks on her front door because of her non verbal son, and it’s because of his safety.

WilsonMilson · 26/03/2023 23:48

I think some of these replies have been crazy.

No one should be in a position where they have a naked teenage boy running at them, autism or not. Totally unfair on your daughter who is now anxious about it happening again. Sorry, but that’s just not on.

I would absolutely be speaking to his mother immediately and if it happens again I would phone the police.