To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

[Meanswell]

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

Yes it did happen. I would like to approach this situation with sensitivity as I can’t imagine the difficulty. I came to ask how best to speak to his mum.

I dont think he meant harm but nevertheless my daughter has been affected by his behaviour. Again i acknowledge its not an easy subject

People with autism still have sexual feelings and attraction you know! And it's not down to the OP to educate her daughter, it's up to his parents to safeguard their child and prevent him from doing anything that can harm others, or harm himself.

@lipstickwoman Oh God how dim can you be?

Well done for continuing the age-old, regressive practice of making girls think they have to be kind and accommodating to everyone, no matter their own comfort and SAFETY. Yes he has autism, but he's also a male, stronger than her, and WAS NAKED.

I’m completely shocked at the amount of people saying it’s not a big deal and to have compassion. Should we really be showing young girls that a threat from a male isn’t a big deal and to show compassion. Talk about mixed messages. The op can deal with it, in the right way to support her child but still explain the situation to her.

It's a safeguarding issue for the boy too that he has been allowed/was able to do this though.
Saying nothing isn't an option, harm could occur to both parties if nothing is done. I would just neutrally explain, 'Hi, this happened, we thought you should be aware because obviously it's not safe/sensible in and would be best if measures could be put in place to stop it happening again.'

Autism or not, I would be on the phone to the police. It’s not appropriate behaviour and his mother needs to monitor him better, or get help if she isn’t capable of parenting him.

Why, do you think its the sort of thing that happens a lot?

Agree there's no way we can know what his intention was, but even as an adult I'd be startled and likely frightened if a nude teenage ran toward me and would want to avoid a repeat of the situation. Ridiculous to suggest that this is in any way acceptable or that one must be some sort of prude for finding it uncomfortable.

Autism or not, a young girl seeing an older naked male is going to be frightening.
Brushing off her fear is not fair on her.

I'm shocked at the comments telling a young girl to be more understanding.

You could call the police. Explain you know it was not done with I intent, but are worried both for your daughter and others who may see him AND his safety.

I did similar and the police dealt with the situation very sensitively. The issue had occurred near a school and I was very concerned that someone less familiar with profound autism might react with violence.

As someone who works with KS5 students in an ASD provision, I can tell you that they most definitely have sexual feelings and need help to act in an appropriate way.

OP you are being very diplomatic and tactful towards your neighbour but you are right to protect your DD and so do need to say something.

Yes I agree with what your saying. What I meant was, see how DD feels in the morning and how badly affected she has been. Take the lead from how she seems, I suppose

However, I must admit, I did think that non-verbal autism was maybe a different kettle of fish and that it wasn't sexually motivated. Having read some of the other posts, it doesn't appear to be that clear cut. So OP, you need to do what you think is best for your DD, while also speaking in a measured way to your neighbour. Good luck.

Telling your daughter he’s harmless or didn’t mean to upset her would both be bad ideas. Apart from minimising her feelings no one can know what his intentions were when he chased her. Your poor DD.

His autism doesn’t mean he’s incapable of sexual feelings, or indeed incapable of committing sexual assault. Of course in the event of the latter he may not be fully aware of what he’s done, but the damage has still been done to the victim.

I would also be calling the police tbh. What he did IS very serious, and needs to be treated as such.

Bollocks. OP clearly knows this family and has said in her original post no harm was intended. In THIS situation she is asking how to speak to the boys mother. I am asking if it's a one off is it necessary. The boys mother generally has things under control if it the FIRST AND ONLY time.

Nowhere have I said pervy behaviour needs accepting. I'm just saying a blanket zero tolerance attitude may be questionable and some UNDERSTANDING may be required

It's actually not a bad idea to, as pp have said, talk to police and ask them to go round and explain to the mother what has happened and that something needs to be done to prevent it happening again

Speak to the mum 100%. I'm shocked at some of the responses on here. I am sympathetic to the issues but if he's going to do things like that when unsupervised then he needs supervision when he goes out, for others' safety as well as his own. It's that simple.

I agree. I'm aware of the issues with severe autism (family) but this is absolutely unacceptable.
Is he getting too physically strong for the mother to prevent him leaving the house now? Or was she just unaware he was out? Either way she needs to make sure he's not left outside, naked or not, for his own safety as well as others.

‘It won’t be sexual in any way’

@Mum23amazingkids you don’t know that. Do you personally know him?

‘Also explain what autism is to your daughter so she can be prepared in case if any more “weird “ behaviour’

Explaining autism and excusing inappropriate behaviour are two very different things.

Totally agree about speaking to his mum (or dad? Or both?) and that this is a safeguarding issue for both your daughter or other witnesses and the boy.

However a bit shocked that people think that support/care help etc can somehow be arranged for the boy. I have two severely autistic DS and tying to get any kind of support or care for them is next to
impossible. Maybe this will help to get mute but the state social care is in...

I think you’re doing the right thing talking to his parents. As much as he is non verbal and may have meant it in an innocent manner, it wasn’t taken as an innocent matter to your daughter. This gave her a fright, so much so that she doesn’t want to go out front again and that is not fair. Next time it could be someone younger.

It’s great you’ve spoken to your daughter and reassured her. Chat to the mum, be gentle and explain that you just wanted to let her know it happened. Be there to listen to her and support her. You are showing no judgement in your post so I know you won’t be judgemental when you chat to her. How she responds is on her, she may be angry but she may be angry out of upset and shock. You’re doing the right thing by your child and hers. He needs protecting too and would be horrible for him to come up against someone who is maybe not as understanding.

I have just created my account because I was hoping to get some advice regarding something else. But your thread was the first thing I saw and after reading the first page of replies, I did feel people were asking too much about why etc.

My advice would be to tell your daughter exactly why you didn't think he had ill intent, but if he did, well he was naked, and if he tried to hurt her, just make sure she knows how to incapacitate him and remove herself from the situation. She's feeling vulnerable and you need to let her realise she wasn't, he was.

A 16yo with autism is almost certainly feeling sexual urges. We don't know what he was feeling in this situation, but to suggest he'd never be a risk becuase he's doesn't have sexual feelings is ridiculous and dangerous.

He also needs to be protected from harm by others.

@Mum23amazingkids how on earth do you know ‘It won’t be sexual in any way?

What a ridiculous assumption.

You have to talk to his mum and tell her what's happened!, he cannot stand naked like this outside, ok he chased her but next time he could rape someone , he has working parts , he's a man ,he may not know its wrong , just like he doesnt understand he shouldn't parade outside naked, but he needs closer supervision by his carer , if he's mum can't do it perhaps he needs more carers !