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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

533 replies

Meanswell · 26/03/2023 22:14

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

OP posts:
maddening · 27/03/2023 20:03

It isn't even just about the safety of people around him, imagine he flashes the wrong person, he could be in danger himself.

Allblackeverythingalways · 27/03/2023 20:07

zingally · 27/03/2023 16:20

How old is your dd? Any older than about 10, I'd tell her to toughen up - of course she can go out the front - what nonsense.

As for the mum of the autistic lad - she already has enough on her plate without hearing about this as well. Let it go.

Toughen up?
Jesus christ how dismissive.

I got flashed a few times as a teen, it was scary. I still remember each incident and I'm now in my 40s.

How dare you minimise and victim blame!

He needs to know that it's unacceptable. If he continues, it needs to be dealt with.
What do you think will happen if it continues?
People won't head tilt and go "awww he has learning disabilities, leave him be"

ChocSaltyBalls · 27/03/2023 20:10

zingally · 27/03/2023 16:20

How old is your dd? Any older than about 10, I'd tell her to toughen up - of course she can go out the front - what nonsense.

As for the mum of the autistic lad - she already has enough on her plate without hearing about this as well. Let it go.

Disgraceful post.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 27/03/2023 20:17

He is out of order. Your DD (or anyone else, for that matter) shouldn't have to deal with a flasher outside their house. I'm pretty sure it's illegal. I don't want to get embroiled in the frankly crazy discussion here, but if it were me I'd be talking to his mother, and depending on how that went, possibly the police too.

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 20:29

It would seem that a lot of the replies excusing the boy's behaviour have been made by mothers who have autistic sons. (not all - some are speaking unbiasedly in saying his behaviour is unacceptable)

This blindspot that some mothers have regarding their sons hormones and sex drive is causing them to downplay and minimise what the boy has done, and the impact it has had on a 13 year old girl.
This is unacceptable, and as a mother of young girls I find it very, very concerning.

emptythelitterbox · 27/03/2023 20:31

Talk with his mother but probably pointless since shes defensive and coddles him. Next would be to phone the police.

FrostyFifi · 27/03/2023 20:38

It would seem that a lot of the replies excusing the boy's behaviour have been made by mothers who have autistic sons. (not all - some are speaking unbiasedly in saying his behaviour is unacceptable)

The thing is that it needs to be dealt with properly to protect the boy as well. He'll be another victim of a failure of safeguarding.

OhmygodDont · 27/03/2023 20:41

I’m not excusing the boys behaviour more honey catches more flys when it comes to trying to get the other mum to listen and even when it comes to getting SS to listen.

Police if be doing it as a pervert flashing a young girl and running upto her which is exactly why many a man would end up likely giving the boy a good thump for Charing at their daughters naked.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 27/03/2023 20:41

OK I've looked it up. It's not illegal to be naked in public, unless you're intimidating or doing it to shock, and it's up to the complainant to prove it.

FrostyFifi · 27/03/2023 20:44

Running at a child would probably be seen as meeting both criteria then.

Northernsouloldies · 27/03/2023 20:53

No one needs to see a naked person on the street let alone a 13yr old girl. This boys mum needs told ASAP. If it's not remedied I'd phone ss.

OoooohMatron · 27/03/2023 21:04

Dacadactyl · 26/03/2023 22:21

How old is your child?
Is she a teenager and being overly dramatic? Does she know and understand his issues?
Has he done this before?

I appreciate that, at any age, your daughter would have been freaked out by this. But, I haven't voted because I am curious as to how you answer the above.

Yeah that's right, young girl is exposed to and she's being over dramatic. Have a word with yourself. Personally OP, I wouldn't care if this boy has autism, my priority would be protecting my daughter. Speak to the mum.

OoooohMatron · 27/03/2023 21:06

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Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 27/03/2023 21:15

Some of these comments I really hope you don't have daughters

Jupiter15 · 27/03/2023 21:23

underneaththeash · 26/03/2023 22:27

if he’s non-verbal and a teenager he clearly won’t understand. Just ask your daughter to come and get you and then ring your neighbours doorbell and take him back inside.

Just because someone is non-verbal and autistic doesn’t mean they can’t understand!

Jupiter15 · 27/03/2023 21:29

I’m shocked by the number of posters saying the daughter is being over dramatic. A teenage boy/ young man ran towards a young teenage girl outside her home, Naked! It is absolutely not ok. Just because he is autistic doesn’t mean it should just be ignored! Unbelievable.
Of course you can have empathy for the mother and her son but it still needs to be dealt with.

SunshineGeorgie · 27/03/2023 22:24

@saraclara

I'll say what I like

From the op: He didnt run in the house, my dds words were he sort of ran at me.

Zooeyzo · 27/03/2023 23:03

It's very worrying how many of the posters are infantalizing the autistic boy. He may well be non verbal but communicates using a device or sign. Just because he doesn't talk doesn't understand or communicate.
Autistic people have the same biology and hormones as NT people- they're not aliens. The OP clearly doesn't know much about the boys situation and everybody is speculating that he doesn't understand or has no sexual desire because autistic people are like babies wtaf.
My son is autistic and this really worries me.

Shz · 27/03/2023 23:05

Non verbal does not equate to low intelligence, end of. You are making absolutely ridiculous (and insulting) assumptions about a person you do not know.

And people who are not autistic can also have low mental capacity, they too are not above the law.

Deeply deeply concerned that you appear to think an autism diagnosis equals being allowed to behave in ways that endanger others.

Diagnosis doesn’t mean any of us get to behave however we please without consequence. It just doesn’t

Dirtydiesel · 27/03/2023 23:15

"and everybody is speculating that he doesn't understand or has no sexual desire because autistic people are like babies wtaf."

People who cannot communicate and do not understand, are not babies.

jetHenley · 27/03/2023 23:18

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 20:29

It would seem that a lot of the replies excusing the boy's behaviour have been made by mothers who have autistic sons. (not all - some are speaking unbiasedly in saying his behaviour is unacceptable)

This blindspot that some mothers have regarding their sons hormones and sex drive is causing them to downplay and minimise what the boy has done, and the impact it has had on a 13 year old girl.
This is unacceptable, and as a mother of young girls I find it very, very concerning.

Totally agree

Dirtydiesel · 27/03/2023 23:23

I have a 16 year old with autism and a severe learning disability and I would be furious if someone caring for him allowed him to be wandering around outside without clothes on.

bluegreygreen · 27/03/2023 23:49

There are two young people who require safeguarding in this scenario.

Those who minimise the significance of the event (or think they can tell the boy's motive because they know some other people with autism ??? ) would risk causing harm to both.

OP's primary responsibility is to her daughter; if she can also help the boy's mother to access professional support 5hat would be generous but not her responsibility.

Her daughter has no responsibility to her older, larger male neighbour. She did exactly the right thing in getting herself out of harm's way. She should not be encouraged to do differently (talk to him? understand that his brain works differently?) at her own risk.

ItsMeAgainYesHowDidYouGuess2 · 28/03/2023 04:54

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onirgellep · 28/03/2023 07:39

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Neglectful? Lazy? Maybe. Or a burnt-out/broken carer? IDK Often there's little or no support for mums like this over decades

And who would make a better carer for this young person? There's little to no suitable respite care, or specialist foster carers/childrens homes or residential school/college placements

As you'll know back in the 1970s there were large asylums where these sorts of young people could be 'cared' for = all closed long ago because of neglect/abuse and grim lives of institutionalision. Parents were encouraged to admit their children at 12 and then go home and forget about them

Clearly being cared for in the community is a better prospect but only if the care is actually provided = and it;s not