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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

533 replies

Meanswell · 26/03/2023 22:14

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

OP posts:
x2boys · 27/03/2023 14:20

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 14:11

@x2boys
People with autism aren't above the law - their condition doesn't give them a free pass to indecently expose themselves to others, or to sexually assault others.
You say it's a safeguarding issue, and yes it is. While an offender may not be held fully accountable on account of an intellectual disability, he could be put on the sex offenders' register, or committed to a facility for offenders with disabilities. And rightly so - to safeguard any more girls and women from being sexually assaulted by him.

Perhaps educate yourself about the vastness of the spectrum ??
someone can have autism and have full.capacity other people can have autism and have capacity in some areas but not others and then there are the people that are so impacted by their autism that they do NOT have the capacity to understand their actions ,you keep.saying he exposed himself ,their is a huge difference between a person who deliberately expose,s themselves and knows what they are doing autism or no autism or somebody who like the teen in this scenario is naked outside for what ever reason ,my own son given half a chance would go outside naked because he has no understanding of why that's wrong
how do you imagine the authorities would be able to prosecute someone who can't speak ,can only communicate in a very basic way and has no understanding of what they have done let alone place them in the sex offender register ,this is why it's a safe guarding issue,to protect everyone.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 14:24

And the teen in question hasebt,sexually assaulted anyone and there is no evidence i,based on what the Op,has written he will.

maddening · 27/03/2023 14:26

x2boys · 27/03/2023 14:24

And the teen in question hasebt,sexually assaulted anyone and there is no evidence i,based on what the Op,has written he will.

Indecent exposure/ flashing is a form of sexual assault though.

Ijustdontcare · 27/03/2023 14:28

x2boys · 27/03/2023 14:24

And the teen in question hasebt,sexually assaulted anyone and there is no evidence i,based on what the Op,has written he will.

Yes, he has OP'S Daughter. Indecent exposure is classified as sexual assault. I understand this is probably a bit too close to home for you, but that doesn't change the fact the boy should be reported to the Police and Social services for them to investigate and determine the correct course of action going forward.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/03/2023 14:30

The young person in question has committed indecent exposure. That's a crime, a real, fully fledged crime. A woman was jailed for pushing over a cyclist recently, and I'm pretty sure she didn't have the capacity to understand what she did either. Capacity is a factor, but it isn't the only issue that a court would consider - public protection is also a factor.

My creds were mentioned up thread but to re-iterate - I am the mother of a 17 yo young man with autism. And like fuck would I expect any of my young neighbours to be kind if my son had committed indecent exposure.

Nikeandreebok · 27/03/2023 14:32

Whether charges are pressed or not, is not really relevant. This behavior needs to be stopped, and if that means by official channels via police, social services, then so be it. This should not be taken lightly. A 16 year old exposing his bits in public is not acceptable, no matter what his mental capacity is. Also, there is nothing wrong in saying that the parent/carer may need help. It's not a reflection on their parenting. If they can't take care of their child properly without external support, then they'll have to seek external support. End of. I'm quite astonished that some posters are telling the OP that this is the time to teach her daughter a lesson in compassion! F* that. Police or failing that social services. Your daughters health and wellbeing comes first, middle and last. Don't be guilt tripped into thinking otherwise OP.

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 14:39

@x2boys
In such severe cases of autism as you describe, if that person committed a serious crime and was a risk to others, he would be committed to a secure unit for people with intellectual disabilities.

Do you think if a severely autistic man raped someone, or murdered someone, that he should remain free to potentially commit a similar crime again? It seems that is what you are saying.

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 27/03/2023 14:42

Nimbostratus100 · 27/03/2023 07:11

I dont think you should approach your neighbour at all, and if your daughter was genuinely upset, which I find weirdly oversensitive, then 5 minute sympathy, and move on

YOu are making a huge deal over a nothing.

Have you ever been flashed in public by a naked man? Confused it's a disturbing and distressing experience for anyone, never mind a young teen girl. Your dismissal of her shock and upset is ridiculous.

IsaiditwasLighthearted · 27/03/2023 14:44

Theeyeballsinthesky · 27/03/2023 07:22

a young teenage girl is being “over sensitive” for being afraid when a naked 16 year old boy runs at her?

fuck me this place sometimes

I agree, I seriously hope some posters are just posting shite like "she's over sensitive" for the LOL's and reaction. Do they really believe a young teen girl shouldn't be upset over being chased by a larger, older, naked teen boy. Otherwise i despair for their ignorance and misogyny.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 14:50

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/03/2023 14:30

The young person in question has committed indecent exposure. That's a crime, a real, fully fledged crime. A woman was jailed for pushing over a cyclist recently, and I'm pretty sure she didn't have the capacity to understand what she did either. Capacity is a factor, but it isn't the only issue that a court would consider - public protection is also a factor.

My creds were mentioned up thread but to re-iterate - I am the mother of a 17 yo young man with autism. And like fuck would I expect any of my young neighbours to be kind if my son had committed indecent exposure.

As the mother of a young man with autism though you do.understand that it's a huge spectrum and a person has to have capacity to be charged with a crime?

TheSoapyFrog · 27/03/2023 14:54

I have a son with non verbal autism. He also has profound learning disabilities. He much prefers being naked, and loves being outside. He does not have the mental capacity to commit a crime.
However, if this were my son, I would most definitely want to know. Although he loves being nude outside, he shouldn't be nude outside, and I don't give him the opportunity to do so.
He requires supervision at all times and probably always will do.
Sometimes I think I'm doing all l can, but then he suddenly learns how to do something, and i have to revise it.
For example we had a chain on the door. He couldn't figure it out. I thought it was enough, but one day he did figure it out. And he escaped. So I had to make changes.
And I am very protective over my son, which is exactly why I would want to know.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 14:55

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 14:39

@x2boys
In such severe cases of autism as you describe, if that person committed a serious crime and was a risk to others, he would be committed to a secure unit for people with intellectual disabilities.

Do you think if a severely autistic man raped someone, or murdered someone, that he should remain free to potentially commit a similar crime again? It seems that is what you are saying.

Don't be ridiculous,if course not ,🙄you started this by saying you would press charges the point is for a person to be charged with a crime they would have to.understand,what they have done ,im not in anyway minimising the behaviour but some posters can grasp,that some people with such disabilities are not capable if understanding what they have done .

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 15:00

@x2boys
"As the mother of a young man with autism though you do.understand that it's a huge spectrum and a person has to have capacity to be charged with a crime?"

If they commit a serious crime but don't have capacity, then they'll be committed to a secure facility for people with intellectual disabilities. They won't, and shouldn't, be allowed to remain at large in society because they are a risk to others.

Shz · 27/03/2023 15:05

Do you know the boy concerned and his actual mental capacity? Autism does not equate to low intelligence which is what many responders here seem to be assuming about this young man - that he is not mentally competent and lacks understanding which is a huge assumption to make. People with autism also have se drives- indeed some have deep interest in sexual things so nobody knows the intent here.

And quite frankly even if he is not mentally capable if he behaved this way towards somebody who didn’t know him and who did defend themselves he could end up injured.

The OPs 13 year old child has an older teen indecently expose himself to her and then chase her. Can people take a second to say well bloody done to the girl for having the presence of mind to get herself to safety and to discuss what happened, including her trauma, with her mother??

poetryandwine · 27/03/2023 15:16

Males indecently exposing themselves usually do in an obvious state of arousal. At least that’s been my experience and that of friends when this has happened to us.

We have no idea whether the boy’s sexuality was a factor in this incident. It is more serious if it was, I think, but it is quite serious enough anyway. OP, I think your plans as of this morning were very good. You sound sensitive, but your DD rightly comes first for you and it is also very much in the boy’s interest that he never do this again.

Spambod · 27/03/2023 15:39

Protect your dd. Boys feelings are not more important than girls safety and feelings. You have no way of knowing what he is capable of. This sounds really scary. I really hate this be kind message for girls only. He cannot behave like this no matter what his issues are. He should not have done that. He needs much more supervision.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 27/03/2023 15:48

Meanswell · 27/03/2023 09:03

To make it clear. He stands outside usually in boxers. He was naked, i dont know his intent and nobody would know. However he was naked and if i went outside and saw that i would feel uncomfortable.
He didnt run in the house, my dds words were he sort of ran at me. He is much bigger than her.

So I would definitely report this to social services for his own safety. If this is a repeated behaviour and has escalated to him being naked then his parents must take measures to prevent this from happening. Maybe they should have some sort of support from social services.

jetHenley · 27/03/2023 15:55

x2boys · 27/03/2023 14:24

And the teen in question hasebt,sexually assaulted anyone and there is no evidence i,based on what the Op,has written he will.

He has indecently exposed his penis to a child.
It's a form of sexual assault and he has broken the law.

Drop the autistic faux pass.

If someone doesn't have the mental capacity, but commit serious crime, they will need to be put into a professional facility / setting to stop the crimes from happening again. That's if they don't end up getting charged and convicted (again, which is entirely possible, even if you have autism you know..)

x2boys · 27/03/2023 16:03

jetHenley · 27/03/2023 15:55

He has indecently exposed his penis to a child.
It's a form of sexual assault and he has broken the law.

Drop the autistic faux pass.

If someone doesn't have the mental capacity, but commit serious crime, they will need to be put into a professional facility / setting to stop the crimes from happening again. That's if they don't end up getting charged and convicted (again, which is entirely possible, even if you have autism you know..)

Show quote history

How would you charge and convict Someone when can't even speak?
how could you cross examine them? some of you don't seem.to.have the faintest clue about how severe autism can be

dryingontheradiatior · 27/03/2023 16:08

How would you charge and convict Someone when can't even speak?
how could you cross examine them? some of you don'tseem.to.havethe faintest clue about how severe autism can be

Autism doesn't make it ok to expose yourself to people in the street, which is classed as sexual assault!

And to answer your question, they would be charged based on witness statements, evidence, and in the case of people with learning disabilities, clinical/psychological history. What you are suggesting is that if somebody in court decides not to speak for a whole trial, there won't be a verdict.

Autism would be taken in to account but it doesn't make people above the law.

Tarantellah · 27/03/2023 16:08

x2boys · 27/03/2023 16:03

How would you charge and convict Someone when can't even speak?
how could you cross examine them? some of you don't seem.to.have the faintest clue about how severe autism can be

Show quote history

Being unable to speak doesn’t prevent the police charging someone with a crime. Witness testimony would be used as evidence. The difference is that a person with mental capacity would be sentenced to prison, whereas a person who lacks capacity would be placed in a secure unit for people with intellectual disabilities, or sent home with a care order. If the mum can’t prevent her son committing criminal acts then the authorities need to intervene and put appropriate supervision in place for everyone’s protection.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 16:08

Shz · 27/03/2023 15:05

Do you know the boy concerned and his actual mental capacity? Autism does not equate to low intelligence which is what many responders here seem to be assuming about this young man - that he is not mentally competent and lacks understanding which is a huge assumption to make. People with autism also have se drives- indeed some have deep interest in sexual things so nobody knows the intent here.

And quite frankly even if he is not mentally capable if he behaved this way towards somebody who didn’t know him and who did defend themselves he could end up injured.

The OPs 13 year old child has an older teen indecently expose himself to her and then chase her. Can people take a second to say well bloody done to the girl for having the presence of mind to get herself to safety and to discuss what happened, including her trauma, with her mother??

Well he's non verbal.which often is a giveaway for low intelligence,yes I'm sure people will.point out that somebody who.was once non verbal is now a professor at Oxbridge,and that some non verbal people have written books ,ect however in real.life most people who.are non verbal.and are autistic tend not to.have capacity and tend to be severely impacted ,they struggle to communicate even the very basics .

dryingontheradiatior · 27/03/2023 16:14

x2boys why do you think being non-verbal means that they are above the law? They would be charged differently as other posters have said (not going to standard prison for example - there is a unit for people not far from me that are on the spectrum or have serious MH disorders that have committed crimes), but they would still be charged.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 16:16

dryingontheradiatior · 27/03/2023 16:08

How would you charge and convict Someone when can't even speak?
how could you cross examine them? some of you don'tseem.to.havethe faintest clue about how severe autism can be

Autism doesn't make it ok to expose yourself to people in the street, which is classed as sexual assault!

And to answer your question, they would be charged based on witness statements, evidence, and in the case of people with learning disabilities, clinical/psychological history. What you are suggesting is that if somebody in court decides not to speak for a whole trial, there won't be a verdict.

Autism would be taken in to account but it doesn't make people above the law.

Er,no I'm not talking about somebody deciding not to.speak.,
I'm talking about people,who can't speak ,some people are completely unable to.speak ,my13 year old son has never uttered a word.in his life that's not him.choosing not to speak ,for what ever reason his autism impacts him to such a degree that he's completely non verbal,that's what non verbal means

zingally · 27/03/2023 16:20

How old is your dd? Any older than about 10, I'd tell her to toughen up - of course she can go out the front - what nonsense.

As for the mum of the autistic lad - she already has enough on her plate without hearing about this as well. Let it go.