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Original poster

To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

533 replies

Meanswell · 26/03/2023 22:14

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 27/03/2023 11:50

You should speak to the mother in a 'I'm not sure you are aware, but your son has been standing naked outside the house, and it has really upset my daughter. I know it's not easy, but for his own safety, I thought I would mention it to you.' kind of way.
My brother has learning difficulties, and likes to be naked, our mother used to stop him answering the door like it. But since she died and he is living on his own, we have had to really be strict on telling him he can't do it, we have told him that if he answered the door naked, someone might complain to the police, he can't answer the door or be outside naked. He still stays naked inside, but puts on shorts to answer the door.

CalistoNoSolo · 27/03/2023 11:51

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/03/2023 11:36

This person sounds as if has pretty severe learning disabilities... It doesn't sound if he has enough ability to realise that re social appropriateness /boundaries...

Its a body, there was no contact. It sounds as there was zero intentionality by the naked person.

This is a time for compassion and understanding...

And also explaining to the daughter that not EVERYONE has a brain that works normally.

Don't recall who said it, but a society should be judged by how it treats thr most vulnerable...

Show quote history

My priority will always be my daughter's safety and well-being. A naked male chasing and scaring a female of any age is never OK, no matter where on the spectrum the male is.

TrashyPanda · 27/03/2023 11:54

This is a time for compassion and understanding

And also explaining to the daughter that not EVERYONE has a brain that works normally

Don't recall who said it, but a society should be judged by how it treats thr most vulnerable

A 13 year old girl is very vulnerable when faced with an older, naked boy

where is your compassion and understanding for her?

she did the right thing by getting herself to a place of safety.

when faced with a male exposing himself, women need to think of their own safety and nothing else. Always.

JuvenileEmu · 27/03/2023 12:17

There are some weird posts on here. Of course an autistic teenager will have sexual urges- he has the same raging hormones as any teenage boy. Not understanding social mores around respecting other peoples boundaries doesn't make him less dangerous ffs. And telling the daughter she isn't in any danger and shouldn't feel scared? She potentially could be in danger, and she should not be getting given the message that being frightened by men's inappropriate behaviour is something she should overcome and be compassionate about.

While I know this is a rare case, a few years ago, very near me there was a rape and murder of a young girl by a teenage boy, who were both residents in a group home for young people with autism. I don't know how to do links, but if anyone is interested, you can google the murder of Melissa Mathieson by Jason Conroy.

TrashyPanda · 27/03/2023 12:17

Mum23amazingkids · 27/03/2023 09:50

You be known hundreds of teen autistic boys over the years and I’m yet to meet a 16 year old non verbal autistic teen that expresses sexually this way . So the probabilities are extremely small

Show quote history

My niece and nephew (aged 5 and 6) were sexually assaulted by their teenaged foster brother who had autism

it happens.

no matter how hard you try to deny it, it happens.

TrashyPanda · 27/03/2023 12:30

Obviously you're protecting your daughter BUT she is 13, an excellent age to explain to her about LD

she is an excellent age to be told:
did the right thing by removing herself from the situation
that it is NEVER acceptable for any man to expose his genitals in the street
about setting boundaries, not just accepting situations she doesn’t feel comfortable with.

women of all ages are abused by men in various ways and sadly we have to teach our daughters about this and how they can live their lives safely. That is always going to be any mothers first concern.

no woman should be subjected to a male flashing her. It’s especially bad for a 13 year old.

whumpthereitis · 27/03/2023 12:34

Crazycrazylady · 27/03/2023 11:34

Ok fi think it's no hard to speak to the mum and let her know what happened, from your post it sounds like it was a one off and not a regular occurrence ? He may have slipped out unknownst to her .

She should absolutely be made aware of it so she can keep a close eye ! Have a conversation with him .

But to the posters who immediately advocating calling the policeHmm. What would that achieve expect put an already stressed woman under more pressure And waste police time, do you really think they would charge a seriously disabled boy after a one off incident?

Of course it shouldn't have happened but the lack of empathy from some people on this thread has genuinely shocked me .

The mother being stressed is irrelevant in regards to this. The mother being stressed is not justification for downplaying the risk this behavior poses and brushing it under the carpet. The mother being stressed is not of greater concern than the safety of OP’s daughter, the boy himself, and anyone else around him that may be at risk.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 12:45

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 10:45

Oh for goodness sake. To everyone posting saying talk to his mum in way that expresses concern for his safety; that something could happen to him or someone could hurt him -NO!!!!

This boy's safety is not the op's concern so do not guilt trip her into feeling that it somehow should be, or that she should bring it up with his mum. To do so would downplay and minimise how this has affected the young girl at the centre of all this.
No girl or woman should be expected to be tolerant of a naked teenage boy running towards them, regardless if he's autistic or not.

Forget the 'be nice, be tolerant' brigade, op. Your daughter and her safety come first here. If you chose not to inform the police, I would let his mum know that if it happens again you will. And yes, I would press charges if it happened again, if it were my daughter.

There have been a few replies on this thread from women who have been sexually assaulted by people who were autistic or had intellectual disabilities. These poor women were told to be kind and understanding, that the perpetrator didn't understand what they were doing. One of these women said her brother used to do the same as this boy did on this occasion, and he went on to sexually abuse her.
If only someone had spoken up for and protected these young girls at the time, their stories might have turned out very differently.

You're doing right in speaking up and standing up for your daughter, op. Don't let anyone downplay what happened.
Best wishes to you.

You would press charges would you ?
how do.you propose you would do.that when it isn't your decision,to make??
it would be up.to.the Crown prosecution service to press charges not YOU,and trust me they wiol.not be be pressing charges on a severely disabled teen who by all accounts doesn't have the capacity to.understand his actions ,🙄

whumpthereitis · 27/03/2023 12:46

It’s fucking wild what some posters think women and girls should have to put up with in the name of ‘compassion’, ‘being kind’, and saving the mother stress.

If these posters have daughters, then hopefully said daughters never have to find themselves in the position of finding out their safety and well-being is of the least importance to their parents.

whumpthereitis · 27/03/2023 12:54

x2boys · 27/03/2023 12:45

You would press charges would you ?
how do.you propose you would do.that when it isn't your decision,to make??
it would be up.to.the Crown prosecution service to press charges not YOU,and trust me they wiol.not be be pressing charges on a severely disabled teen who by all accounts doesn't have the capacity to.understand his actions ,🙄

Show quote history

Not quite. It depends on what country the poster is in, for one. Also, there’s always the possibility of bringing a private or civil prosecution. While the boy himself may not be held liable, those with authority over him that failed to prevent him from acting could be.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 12:55

FrostyFifi · 27/03/2023 10:54

Can people stop saying "learning difficulties" when they mean "a learning disability". They are very different things.

I used the term in my post. I'm a bit surprised that that is what stood out to you given the seriousness of the event I discussed.

I was a child myself and not privy to exact diagosis, it was the 1980s and he was described as rd if you must know.

You also said he was fairly high functioning now I'm not condoning his actions or minimising what happened to you but learning disabilities ,can be mild ,moderate ,severe or profound ,my son has severe autism and severe learning disabilities,he has a very limited understanding of the world around them and really doesn't have the capacity to understand his actions or how they impact others ,he likes to be naked too ,I don't let him outside but he would go.outside given half the chance and he wouldn't understand why being naked was inappropriate ,his understanding is very different to someone who has mild learning disabilities,who does understand what they are doing and how their actions impact others.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 12:56

whumpthereitis · 27/03/2023 12:54

Not quite. It depends on what country the poster is in, for one. Also, there’s always the possibility of bringing a private or civil prosecution. While the boy himself may not be held liable, those with authority over him that failed to prevent him from acting could be.

Show quote history

Well in assuming it's the UK given its a UK site 🙄

FrostyFifi · 27/03/2023 12:57

@x2boys sorry I think you've maybe mixed my post up with a different one as I didn't really have that level of detail about the man's condition but it wasn't autism that I'm aware of anyway, it was what used to be called mental r-word is all I know.

FrostyFifi · 27/03/2023 12:58

@x2boys and it wasn't to me, it was in the small town where I grew up though.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 13:01

FrostyFifi · 27/03/2023 12:57

@x2boys sorry I think you've maybe mixed my post up with a different one as I didn't really have that level of detail about the man's condition but it wasn't autism that I'm aware of anyway, it was what used to be called mental r-word is all I know.

Sorry I apologise ,I did .

JDHC · 27/03/2023 13:05

Dirtydiesel · 27/03/2023 09:38

To be on the sex offenders register there needs to be a crime committed and there needs to be capacity.

What he has done is indecent exposure.

The lad was naked and heading towards the OPs daughter.

Ijustdontcare · 27/03/2023 13:05

Please report to the police asap. What happens next time when it's a younger child who can't outrun him or doesn't live next door and able to get to safety.

I'm shocked by the number of people minimising this and saying he can't have sexual urges.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 13:09

JDHC · 27/03/2023 13:05

What he has done is indecent exposure.

The lad was naked and heading towards the OPs daughter.

Show quote history

If he doesn't have capacity to understand his actions he still.won't be charged ,it's a safe guarding issue,not a criminal one .

jetHenley · 27/03/2023 13:11

I've name changed for this but want to put across another experience (multiple on this thread) of sexual assault caused by a severely autistic teen.

I was 9 years old, I was sexually assaulted by a then 17 year old autistic teenager. He had quite severe learning disabilities but was verbal. I was lead down an alleyway to get some water balloons and he took his pants down, revealed his penis and took my hand to stroke his penis. He also tried to put his penis in my mouth.

I remember it like it was yesterday, and the police were involved.

This was nearly 20 years ago and at the time he was put on the sex offenders list. His parents sold up and they moved away. His parents were in total denial, and minimised his behaviour because of his autism. Maybe if they didn't minimise his behaviour (they did it in front of him) maybe, he wouldn't have sexually assaulted a 9 year old girl.

Being autistic doesn't equate to not having sexual intentions.

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 13:12

I don't live in the UK, and yes, where we live I would be able to press charges against a male who indecently exposed himself to my 13 year old daughter.

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 13:15

My reply was for @x2boys

x2boys · 27/03/2023 13:33

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 13:12

I don't live in the UK, and yes, where we live I would be able to press charges against a male who indecently exposed himself to my 13 year old daughter.

Where ever you live if the person doesn't have capacity to understand their actions ,what do.you imagine might happen ,remember we are talking about a severely disabled teen who is non verbsl.and has limited understanding,by all.accounts ?
This is a safe guarding issue in not condoning what's happened but most civilised countries wouldn't prosecute a severely disabled person .I would like to.think.

x2boys · 27/03/2023 13:36

jetHenley · 27/03/2023 13:11

I've name changed for this but want to put across another experience (multiple on this thread) of sexual assault caused by a severely autistic teen.

I was 9 years old, I was sexually assaulted by a then 17 year old autistic teenager. He had quite severe learning disabilities but was verbal. I was lead down an alleyway to get some water balloons and he took his pants down, revealed his penis and took my hand to stroke his penis. He also tried to put his penis in my mouth.

I remember it like it was yesterday, and the police were involved.

This was nearly 20 years ago and at the time he was put on the sex offenders list. His parents sold up and they moved away. His parents were in total denial, and minimised his behaviour because of his autism. Maybe if they didn't minimise his behaviour (they did it in front of him) maybe, he wouldn't have sexually assaulted a 9 year old girl.

Being autistic doesn't equate to not having sexual intentions.

If they were.able to prosecute than the perpetrator must have had capacity to understand what they did was wrong and by the sounds of their actions they clearly did,the autism spectrum is huge however and many people won't understand it's wrong to be naked outside .

dryingontheradiatior · 27/03/2023 13:51

A straight up question for anyone saying to leave it...

If a naked man ran at you in the street. Would you ring the police? Or would you stop to wonder if they had ASD?

It is highly likely you would ring the police. You would not question doing anything else. The only reason anyone is saying different is because the OP knows he is on the spectrum but if it happens again, the next person might not, and they will ring the police. OPs DD also shouldn't have to deal with it.

How the police handled the issue is up to them. As it is a safeguarding issue they will likely alert CSC and discuss with the mother as he has exposed himself to a minor, and indecent exposure is against the law. If he already has a SW then they will pick it up.

Aerielview · 27/03/2023 14:11

@x2boys
People with autism aren't above the law - their condition doesn't give them a free pass to indecently expose themselves to others, or to sexually assault others.
You say it's a safeguarding issue, and yes it is. While an offender may not be held fully accountable on account of an intellectual disability, he could be put on the sex offenders' register, or committed to a facility for offenders with disabilities. And rightly so - to safeguard any more girls and women from being sexually assaulted by him.

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