To wonder how I approach my neighbour about her nude son

[Meanswell]

So i feel quite awkward in posting this but i am wondering the best approach as I don’t want to upset anyone but i need to protect my child.

A neighbour who lives near me has a teenage son with non verbal autism. He sometimes like to stand outside the front of the houses. Today my daughter was taking the dog out for a walk. He was outside naked with everything on display. My daughter stood in one spot and he kind of ran towards her. She came straight back in and locked the doo. I genuinely don’t think he meant anything by it but he was left alone for a couple of minutes.

I genuinely don’t want to upset his mum and I know he doesn’t understand why he cannot do that. My daughter feels quite shocked and said she will never go out the front again. I am now worried if he acts inappropriately again, how do I approach this situation gently.

I agree with this @whumpthereitis

@Mum23amazingkids your comments are very rude and presumptuous. Just because you have never met a man like this, doesn't mean they don't exist.

Some years ago, in the 1980s, when I was a young woman (about 18,) and still living at my parents house, there was a young man, I think he was about 26, with learning difficulties. Fairly high functioning but still had learning difficulties. (Still lived with his parents.) He lived kind of opposite. His windows were at 10:00 o'clock and sort of to the left but opposite.

Everything was fine until I got to about 17/18 years old, then he just randomly started to stand in his mum and dad's bedroom at the front, and masturbate completely naked... It was so upsetting. I started to go out of the back door and walk out the back gate to go into town or to go to work, (I never told anyone as I didn't think I would be believed.) I got to the point where I couldn't go out the front. Not even in the garden. In case he was there.

I actually told my mum about it eventually. She kept looking but never seemed to catch him. And then this one time she spotted him, and she said 'his mother would go mad if she knew what he is doing.' But she never said anything to her. I left home not long after. I know that he was doing it just so I could see it. Because I was a young woman in my late teens. Never did it when my brother was in the garden, or my parents. Just when I appeared.

He left home not long after I did, and none of us ever saw him again. He moved away, and left the area. Never knew why.

Still doesn’t make it common 🙄. And the higher stats are children and adults with disabilities being abused more often too because they are more vulnerable

Oh for goodness sake. To everyone posting saying talk to his mum in way that expresses concern for his safety; that something could happen to him or someone could hurt him -NO!!!!

This boy's safety is not the op's concern so do not guilt trip her into feeling that it somehow should be, or that she should bring it up with his mum. To do so would downplay and minimise how this has affected the young girl at the centre of all this.
No girl or woman should be expected to be tolerant of a naked teenage boy running towards them, regardless if he's autistic or not.

Forget the 'be nice, be tolerant' brigade, op. Your daughter and her safety come first here. If you chose not to inform the police, I would let his mum know that if it happens again you will. And yes, I would press charges if it happened again, if it were my daughter.

There have been a few replies on this thread from women who have been sexually assaulted by people who were autistic or had intellectual disabilities. These poor women were told to be kind and understanding, that the perpetrator didn't understand what they were doing. One of these women said her brother used to do the same as this boy did on this occasion, and he went on to sexually abuse her.
If only someone had spoken up for and protected these young girls at the time, their stories might have turned out very differently.

You're doing right in speaking up and standing up for your daughter, op. Don't let anyone downplay what happened.
Best wishes to you.

Where I grew up there was unfortunately a serious sexual assault by an adult man with learnings difficulties, against a small child, the daughter of a neighbour.
Whatever diminishment of capacity he suffered from would not have lessened that little girl's distress.

Obvously that is a more severe case but it's naive to suggest that things like this don't happen or that we should pretend they don't in a misguided attempt to be kind. It's not kind to put someone vulnerable in a position where they do something awful or illegal, it's a failure of safeguarding.

@irreverent I fully understand wanting to report it to the police, but there very likely wasn't a crime committed.

It would be indecent exposure, which is an offence? Yes his autism would be taken into account but it doesn't mean that it was acceptable.

As I've said we have experience of severe autism in the family and can say that yes, autistic teens get the same sexual urges as NT teens and this has to be dealt with appropriately to avoid affecting other innocent people. The mum/parents aren't managing to do this.

Of course the parents need to be told of their DS behaviour.

The DD need to know her upset is valid for starters but what if he does it again and someone takes action against this young man.

MN is always very much pushing for measured responses but not everyone has measured responses. What happens if someone sees him if he does it again and starts shouting or even giving this young lad a thump becuse they have upset them or someone they care about.

The DD needs to feel protected but the young lad also needs to be protected.

You Can't Know She's Not In Danger

Fuck sake.

Go read the bloody thread and educate yourself.

Can people stop saying "learning difficulties" when they mean "a learning disability". They are very different things.

I do have understanding of severe autism. It's still NOT acceptable to put other people in fear and alarm like the OPs DD.

Can people stop saying "learning difficulties" when they mean "a learning disability". They are very different things.

I used the term in my post. I'm a bit surprised that that is what stood out to you given the seriousness of the event I discussed.

I was a child myself and not privy to exact diagosis, it was the 1980s and he was described as rd if you must know.

*r-word that should say.

I’ve seen a number of “predator exposure” videos where the accused is autistic. So to those saying his motives were definitely not sexual, you don’t know this.

I say this as an autistic woman myself with an autistic son. They might not have been sexual, but they might well have been.

And that what? Negates the evidence that there is a higher likelihood of their committing them? Bollocks does it. It’s a not a binary choice between victim and perpetrator, and being the former does not prevent someone for being the latter, and nor does it excuse it.

Your complete dismissal of those that have been ‘the wrong type’ of victim is fucking gross. A perpetrator being autistic does not mean the impact on the victim is lessened, or that they’re not in fact victims.

Do you think that people with autism never get sexual urges? He's an older male teen. Odds are he has hormones surging through him that he can't understand. It's not protective of him or of girls like the OP's daughter to pretend this hasn't happened. For his sake alone, his carer needs to be made aware so that she can ensure this never happens again. I've worked with young men like that in the OP and they can be deeply inappropriate in terms of sexual boundaries. It isn't their fault, but when people around them don't take it seriously because they don't understand what they are doing, it is theirs. He either needs to be taught not to behave this way or prevented from doing it, because he is a danger to himself and others right now.

Brilliant - OP, just tell your frightened kid that @Mum23amazingkids has met hundreds of teens with autism and none of them express their sexual feelings this way, so she really should stop moaning and get on with it.

Talk about victim blaming.

I wasn't talking about you. Many, many people have said it in this thread. It is an important distinction to make. A learning difficulty is something like dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD. I'm pretty sure people aren't trying to say someone was attacked by a man with something like dyslexia. And I imagine people with learning difficulties don't want people to think sexual assault is common with ND.

@Wanderingowl your post is absolutely spot on, simply don't see how anyone could think otherwise in this situation.

Stop dramatising things to suit your agenda ! If you see my original post I tell her to go and speak with the mum . I just don’t think people should start screaming this boy is a molester . He is a vulnerable child just as the op daughter . Nothing in what I said diminishes the hat the girls felt like or behaved .

I think you failed to comprehend my reply . The reports often suggest a higher incidence because children with disabilities are also more often victim of abuse . That’s what I meant and in this case no it’s nit often as easy as blaming either .

We really see this differently @Mum23amazingkids

There is no need for me to dramatise anything. A young girl has been flashed by her neighbour. That's dramatic enough.

No, I understood your reply perfectly. You deflected onto a separate issue, as if higher incidence of being a victim and higher incidence of being a perpetrator cannot both be true.

oh, and in regards to this:
“Stop dramatising things to suit your agenda ! If you see my original post I tell her to go and speak with the mum . I just don’t think people should start screaming this boy is a molester .”

What fucking agenda? Safeguarding? As opposed to your ‘brush it under the carpet, there’s no way he meant it like that, his mother is stressed and therefore everyone should just accept alarming behaviour’ one?

no one has said he is a predator. What has been said is that it shouldn’t be discounted as a possibility. It IS a possibility, whether you care to accept it or not. Either way it’s behavior that needs addressing to prevent harm coming to him and those around around him. Op’s daughter ran away, someone else could very well turn around and kick his head in, regardless of whether his actions are sexually motivated or not.

Molester or not, we should not be exposed to male genitalia anywhere unless we consent to it. I say again we are having to scream about it on a daily basis, keep penises out of our spaces but oh, oh no it's ok, he's autistic, he gets to wangle it about with a free pass.

He doesn't, it is inappropriate regardless of his disability.

Ok fi think it's no hard to speak to the mum and let her know what happened, from your post it sounds like it was a one off and not a regular occurrence ? He may have slipped out unknownst to her .

She should absolutely be made aware of it so she can keep a close eye ! Have a conversation with him .

But to the posters who immediately advocating calling the police. What would that achieve expect put an already stressed woman under more pressure And waste police time, do you really think they would charge a seriously disabled boy after a one off incident?

Of course it shouldn't have happened but the lack of empathy from some people on this thread has genuinely shocked me .

This person sounds as if has pretty severe learning disabilities... It doesn't sound if he has enough ability to realise that re social appropriateness /boundaries...

Its a body, there was no contact. It sounds as there was zero intentionality by the naked person.

This is a time for compassion and understanding...

And also explaining to the daughter that not EVERYONE has a brain that works normally.

Don't recall who said it, but a society should be judged by how it treats thr most vulnerable...

Obviously you're protecting your daughter BUT she is 13, an excellent age to explain to her about LD