Teenager told me I “play the victim” all the time

[PiccaZ]

Which is exactly the same thing his father always accused me of.

So I genuinely am asking you all if IABU or not, am I playing the victim?

Ive been non stop all day, up at 7 to take teenager to the gym, food shopping, home, took other DC out for the day to a place they wanted to go to, home about 4, sorted school clothes, cleaned downstairs, packed lunches, school and home admin. Put dinner on. DS says he had a headache but no paracetamol in the house, I go out to get paracetamol, come home and he asks for berroca, go back out and get bloody berroca. Finally sit down with a glass of wine and DD comes in “what time is dinner” - explain about 20 mins. Then 2nd DD comes in “what time is dinner” - 20 bloody minutes, then DS comes in “what time is dinner” - FGS it’s 20 BLOODY MINUTES.

DS then accuses me of always being grumpy , I explained it was the 3rd time I’d been asked within the space of 2 mins, I’m trying to have a quiet glass of wine whilst cooking, it Will be ready when it’s bloody ready

and then I get the “oh poor mummy always playing the victim”

AIBU here? Ok he didn’t know I’d already been asked twice before so probably wondered why he was getting shouted at, I get that

You are being a martyr - he didn't deserve shouting at for asking a question and you seem to be massively proud of how much you do - which just sounds normal.
Gym- i don't know why a teenager needs to go to a gym - exercise doesn't need to be in a place that you have to drive to- unless it is convenient? do they have bikes?
Food shop - do on line - easier to plan as well
Paracetemol/beroccoa- I wouldn't have gone out for either- especially not the Berocca which is a ridiculous gimmick and never an essential
washing school uniform- I assume you have a washing machine??

Your teens need to do more!!

Litrally stop being a martyr. Berocca is not an essential item is it

It’s a total headfuck to do a really ridiculous chore for him that you were happy to do because he wasn’t feeling well and asked so nicely, then relate it to taking the face off him later for something entirely innocuous and unrelated. That’s really unpleasant behaviour and yes, martyrdom. It’s not his fault you’ve got four kids.

I'd be putting it back on him. He's 15. Your assistance to him should be aimed at preparing him to be an independent adult. I'd sit him down, say you've reflected on his comment and have realised you're taking on too much when a teenager is more than capable of contributing to family life. Going forward he will be doing his own laundry, ironing and will be expected to cook for the whole family twice a week including doing dishes after. If he keeps going, he'll also need to vacuum mid week and clean the bathroom.

Kids are coddled way too much these days and get to adulthood without learning any household skills. His future girlfriends will be forever thankful that he is not a spoilt mummies boy who has his mum run around after him doing everything for him.

Start making life easier for yourself.

Get the supermarket shop delivered (hopefully there is at least one which delivers to you?).

Amazon Prime account for shit like the (bloody) Berocca - next day delivery. "needs" it sooner? they can take a multivitamin or whatever is in the house or make themselves a smoothie for the vitamins FFS.

The kid who goes to the gym can surely get the bus there? Plenty of body weight exercises to do on you tube if not.

At 15, 13, 10 and 8 they can plan and make a family meal each once a week, with various levels of help, and they should be doing, in order to prepare for life. And an 8 year old can absolutely make her own packed lunch the night before.

sorted school clothes, cleaned downstairs, packed lunches, make dinner
all things your kids can do/help with, they sound a lazy spoiled bunch.

I'd never heard of Berocca. I googled it and a special trip for that is silly. He could have a glass of orange juice. It sounds as though you need to be more selfish and then you'd maybe resent them less. Plan some things for you in the day as well.

Have a few come backs ready. Don’t put up with it, and make them feel like shit for saying it. Don’t mention their dad saying it though. Maybe try, no I’m just fed up with being treated like a slave. Now go and set the table/ insert a chore they will hate. Make sure there are negative consequences every single time. Eventually they will stop. Just remember they are only parroting what they have heard, and say it because it wins them an argument.

someone's got a case of mommy martyr syndrome

I get that, but when do you actually spend some quality time with them if you're working a lot all week then running round all Sunday. You said bloody Berocca so it doesn't really sound like you were happy to pick it up. I was helping my single mum a lot long before I was 15.

I think you need an overhaul, don't go in guns blazing but start getting them to pickup a bit of the load here and there and build up to them making a fair contribution to the chores, it will stand them in good steed for life. I don't just mean tidying, my 5 year olds can run the vac round and dust Get everyone to pitch in at the same time, get the chores done as a family and then you'll have more energy and time to spend with your DC.

He asked you a reasonable question, it wasn’t his fault you’d been asked it twice already. Your response to snap at him came form you being grumpy- not actually to do with his question. I can completely understand why you were grumpy, but best to just own that ‘Sorry I snapped at you, I’ve been running round after everyone all day, and I just want a bit of peace to drink my wine while I wait for tea to be ready’

From your son’s perspective, you’re running round doing things parents do, things that if you haven’t told him, he doesn’t yet have the maturity to realise on his own he and his sisters could be helping with. And then you’re grumpy about it later. I’d be saying to him that you’ve thought about his victim comment, and that it’s not acceptable to speak to you like that. I’d explain why it’s frustrating to run round after three teenagers all day and get no help or thanks, and that things are going to change from now on, you will no longer need to feel like a victim because they are going to do their share !

I think he was being fucking rude.
I would rethink going out of my way for him for a while.

Wow that was really out of line. I'd have informed him very quickly that he was never to speak to me like that again, and he could get himself to the gym and buy his own berocca. He sounds very ungrateful and like he's picked up his dad's attitude.

I kind of agree that you were unreasonable. They asked a simple question and the third got snapped at which made him defensive. If you're doing so much that you're being rude to your kids, slow down. Deep cleans can make. Take a breath so that you're not so on edge.

They're still human beings, with hunger, appetite, digestion, they're not just some inanimate things you own.

I can't imagine having no say or even knowledge of what I'll eat and when.

I think he used the phrase he did to get a rise out of you - and clearly it's worked. That doesn't mean it's okay but it's very normal for teenagers to push boundaries and wind their parents up for a reaction.

That said, your post does read like you've been a bit of a martyr. I mean, there's absolutely no need to get up at the crack of dawn on a Sunday to take a 15yo to the gym - that's just batshit.

I wouldn't have gone back out for the berocca but going to get your children medication when they're unwell is just being a parent really - I get it's annoying that you live rurally and had to drive but it's not your 15yo's fault that you didn't have any painkillers in the house. Again - that's on you as a parent for not having supplies in.

The rest of it just sounds like a normal weekend with four children - ultimately it was just a day out, the food shop, laundry, a bit of admin and sorting lunches and dinner - it's not the battle of the Somme.

I've never given any of my kids berocca

The apple never falls far from the tree… when theirs is no intervention. You need to challenge this nonsense right now. His future partner and children will thank you.

“There is”, note “theirs”.

Also, they are not YOUR jobs that they are being asked to help with. They are the jobs that need doing by all capable members of the household… because they live there and you don’t have servants.

Of course you were unreasonable!

I don't normally say this but your day sounds pretty easy to me.

Also going out for bericca is just ridiculous.

I can't believe you 'needed' a glass of wine after what sounds like a busyish day.

Also agree your teens need to do more so you stop snapping at them for asking a perfectly normal question.

Maybe if they are given this attitude in their teens many of them wouldn't grow into abusers of women ?
You can blame the likes of Andrew Tate for this type of behaviour not the women who stand up to it .

@DaveyJonesLocker

so what did your mum do with you then??

ask you if you when she should cook tea. Plan her evening around cooking tea to exactly when you want it? What if you were hungry for tea at 5pm when she needs to get home from work or you didn’t want tea until 10pm should she wait til 9pm is to start making it?

my point is most kids have a defined tea time that is dictated by their parents and they manage just fine. Cos at the end of the day - the parents are in charge

you are martyring yourself completely and you shouted even though your son didn't know that you had already been asked twice, it genuinely sounds like you do play the victim