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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenager told me I “play the victim” all the time

150 replies

PiccaZ · 26/03/2023 20:45

Which is exactly the same thing his father always accused me of.

So I genuinely am asking you all if IABU or not, am I playing the victim?

Ive been non stop all day, up at 7 to take teenager to the gym, food shopping, home, took other DC out for the day to a place they wanted to go to, home about 4, sorted school clothes, cleaned downstairs, packed lunches, school and home admin. Put dinner on. DS says he had a headache but no paracetamol in the house, I go out to get paracetamol, come home and he asks for berroca, go back out and get bloody berroca. Finally sit down with a glass of wine and DD comes in “what time is dinner” - explain about 20 mins. Then 2nd DD comes in “what time is dinner” - 20 bloody minutes, then DS comes in “what time is dinner” - FGS it’s 20 BLOODY MINUTES.

DS then accuses me of always being grumpy , I explained it was the 3rd time I’d been asked within the space of 2 mins, I’m trying to have a quiet glass of wine whilst cooking, it Will be ready when it’s bloody ready

and then I get the “oh poor mummy always playing the victim”

AIBU here? Ok he didn’t know I’d already been asked twice before so probably wondered why he was getting shouted at, I get that

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 26/03/2023 21:13

So we have your version what is the other version?

I don't think people can tell from this alone, I know people always go along with whatever the op puts but it is not correct as we have no idea what their version is to judge it

sonjadog · 26/03/2023 21:14

Hard to say if you are being a martyr or not from one incident, but it is maybe something to think over? I grew up with a mummy-martyr and it wasn't good for anyone, she was exhausted and we children needed to learn to do things for themselves. My mother would also get stroppy about not being appreciated from time to time. As I got older I found it incredibly frustrating that she would be upset and exhausted for not being appreciated for doing things no-one had asked her to do or needed her to do.

YukoandHiro · 26/03/2023 21:15

So... my mum was always doing this and as I got older I realised that all her choices were her own and that's she. it got a bit grating. It's different circumstances to what you're talking about but she'd paint herself as someone who had sacrificed everything to serve her DH and DC, when in fact she made all those choices activity (eg gave up work to be a SAHM so lost her career standing etc).
Do you think you maybe perhaps be babying your older DC a bit? That will both make them more likely to wind you up a bit - they're pushing away, rather then pulling back to you - and also mean that you feel exhausted and put upon and unrecognised

LondonPretty · 26/03/2023 21:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

redskylight · 26/03/2023 21:17

Despite the long list, it sounds like you basically had a day out with your children and you've done some fairly normal house stuff?

Your children should be helping with the household tasks.

unfortunately if you live in the middle of nowhere, this does put pressure on you to take your older children places as they can't do this themselves.

I agree with other posters. You're doing a lot - but some of it is self imposed (if you did a food shop why were the berocca and the paracetomal not bought then? Maybe ordering online might work better? And then because you're tired you expect your DC to feel sorry for you and snap. Asking when dinner was, was not an unreasonable question!

batsandeggs · 26/03/2023 21:18

i get that you’re running around a ton and it’s a lot and you’re tired of everyone always being at you for something, but that’s literally parenthood. so I think there has to be a bit of give and taken, accepting that realistically the kids are limited in how they can help you, so don’t be running out for bloody berocca on top of everything else. one less thing to be grumpy about.

they’re old enough to help out, within reason, so figure out with them where they can help to lighten the load. some more bits to be less grumpy about.

I don’t think it’s bad that your kid called you out for being grumpy, and neither is it wrong for you to acknowledge it - because you DO have a lot on your plate! but that’s no their fault. also, the attitude from your child sounding like your ex, I would completely nip that in the bud. A very honest conversation about how and why it made you feel bad wouldn’t be amiss here.

maddening · 26/03/2023 21:18

You need to take him to task on his attitude- tell him he does not get to abuse you in your own home, you won’t be a victim and he needs to consider counselling as his behaviour is worrying.

FinallyHere · 26/03/2023 21:18

I had to Google berocca tablets and cannot imagine the circumstances in which I would had gone back out for "effervescent vitamin energy tablets"

Sorry.

I absolutely understand that you have a lot on your plate and are feeling the pressure of working full time so not being around very much through the week for your teenagers.

However, when I think back to how I took my SAHM for granted and had so little respect for all that she did for me, I tend to side with those on this thread who suggest that you are being a bit of a martyr and a pushover Sadly pandering does not tend to engender any respect.

I tag won't be easy for you to turn this around. I wish you all the very best.

Newpuppymummy · 26/03/2023 21:19

How old are your kids? They sound like entitled brats. Why are you doing everything?

saveforthat · 26/03/2023 21:20

Your children are certainly all old enough to do a proper clean. Why don't you give them a room each (in addition to their rooms) that they are responsible for cleaning or maybe the older ones do all the hoovering and the younger ones dusting/wiping etc.

dinmin · 26/03/2023 21:21

Agree the berocca was unnecessary.

I would set them all down and run them through what you did today exactly as in this post. Tell them something has to change and. they need to start helping with things. They can help decide who does what. If they don’t see you much in the week even more reason for them to be with you helping to cook etc!

with the when’s it ready thing - in future when one asks, tell them to tell the others too…

Sqqueeeeeeee · 26/03/2023 21:22

So, with respect to your DS (because the rest of what you’ve done isn’t actually relevant). He had a headache and there was no paracetamol. The shops aren’t in walking distance so you went and bought some. You got home, he then very nicely and politely asked if you would get him berrocca. Knowing you didn’t have to, because he was very polite, you went and got him some berroca. Then, later on, he asked you what time dinner was and you snapped and swore at him. He called you grumpy (which you were) and you ranted about how unfair everything is. Yeah, you were absolutely playing the victim. You chose to do things you didn’t need to do or they were basic expectations of raising a family which you chose to do.

Did you not do anything nice today? Was no one polite to you at all? Where was the place you went out to? Did you enjoy it? The fact you’ve listed absolutely nothing positive in your OP is demonstrative of playing the victim.

namitynamechange · 26/03/2023 21:22

The trick is to have jobs for anyone who asks questions. So child one: "when's dinner", "about 20 minutes, time to lay the table, thanks for thinking of it". Child 2 "when's dinner" "about 20 minutes, but its about time to wash the tomatoes/cut the bread up and put that on the "table. Thanks for reminding me". Child 3 is unlikely to ask anything at that point.

Hankunamatata · 26/03/2023 21:23

You work then they should all be cleaning at weekend with you. We all do 1 solid hour in the house where each kids gets given cleaning chores like hoovering, mopping, dusting, sorting laundry into piles and putting first load on, cleaning all kitchen sides and doing their rooms. Two hours at the most and we are done

namitynamechange · 26/03/2023 21:24

(But if they do keep asking then it just proves what lovely helpful children you have. Win win)

Abcdefgh1234 · 26/03/2023 21:24

My kids always helps me in the kitchen. My DS is 16 aswell. Helps me cook and cleans dishes after. Wont even dare to say that to me.
if my ds got headache and there is no paracetamol and i’m tired i just ask him to drink water or go bought it himself. If the headche really worse maybe i bought him paracetamol but in no way i would go back to buy him berroca.

ScramblePud · 26/03/2023 21:25

You shouted and swore at your child with a headache for asking what time dinner was? And your excuse is that you did exactly what every other parent on the planet has to do?

Justalittlebitduckling · 26/03/2023 21:26

I think at that stage he could make his own dinner. Going out again to get barroca is a bit much. Where is the father in all this? Why didn’t he contribute anything to the day?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/03/2023 21:27

Sorry but it does sound as if you are doing far too much and then playing the martyr card.

Stop being such a pushover.

Teenagers are capable of making their own packed lunches and sorting out their ownlaundry.

Your husband is more than capable of picking up some headache pills or Berroca without you having to leave the house. Twice. And I hope he does his own laundry too.

Draw up a list of chores. Kids and 'DH' all cook at least once a week.

Please stop being such a 1950s housewife.

OoooohMatron · 26/03/2023 21:27

He sounds rude and ungrateful but you do come across as a bit of a martyr. Get the kids to muck in around the house, their not babies.

OoooohMatron · 26/03/2023 21:27

*they're

DeadbeatYoda · 26/03/2023 21:27

Don't mean to be awful but more fool you for letting your DH talk to you like that. Kids pick that stuff up. You need to stop being a doormat.
DH can get his own paracetamol ( and Berrocca) tell teen he can whistle for the lift to the gym unless he apologises for being such an ungrateful git.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/03/2023 21:28

@PiccaZ

your kids need to learn some respect for you ASAP

there would have been no way I’d have driven out again after getting the paracetamol. No way.

stop being so accommodating and start putting yourself first sometimes!

Singularity82 · 26/03/2023 21:30

Why do you tolerate him speaking to you like that? I would be horrified if my kid was so disrespectful to me. Cheeky little shit.
stop skivvying round after him. Why did you go back out for Berocca after already going the shop?! I’d have told him to get lost.

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 26/03/2023 21:30

You're doing all those things for your kids, but they've done nothing to help. Get them helping out with things - couldn't any of the children do the packed lunches or vacuuming? Helping to prepare the dinner, lay the table or wash the pots? I certainly wouldn't have gone back out to get the Berocca.

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