Teenager told me I “play the victim” all the time

[PiccaZ]

Which is exactly the same thing his father always accused me of.

So I genuinely am asking you all if IABU or not, am I playing the victim?

Ive been non stop all day, up at 7 to take teenager to the gym, food shopping, home, took other DC out for the day to a place they wanted to go to, home about 4, sorted school clothes, cleaned downstairs, packed lunches, school and home admin. Put dinner on. DS says he had a headache but no paracetamol in the house, I go out to get paracetamol, come home and he asks for berroca, go back out and get bloody berroca. Finally sit down with a glass of wine and DD comes in “what time is dinner” - explain about 20 mins. Then 2nd DD comes in “what time is dinner” - 20 bloody minutes, then DS comes in “what time is dinner” - FGS it’s 20 BLOODY MINUTES.

DS then accuses me of always being grumpy , I explained it was the 3rd time I’d been asked within the space of 2 mins, I’m trying to have a quiet glass of wine whilst cooking, it Will be ready when it’s bloody ready

and then I get the “oh poor mummy always playing the victim”

AIBU here? Ok he didn’t know I’d already been asked twice before so probably wondered why he was getting shouted at, I get that

I don’t think I am martyring myself - there literally isn’t anyone else to do the rest of it? We live miles away from the shops and the gym.

Packed lunches are for the smallest - she does make them sometimes.

School uniform they all have to bring down to me to get washed.

Your teens need to help out.

Today i did a roast, but my teens peeled and chopped the veg, made the Yorkshire batter, washed up etc. I wasn't going to do it all solo while they were glued to their phones!

I don’t know about playing the victim, but I do think you’re being a bit of a martyr. You’re doing far more than you need to. How bad was your son’s headache? Did he actually need paracetamol? Why on earth did you go back out for berocca? That could have waited. Why are you doing their packed lunches? Why are you sorting their school clothes? Get them to step up more and do their bit.

Why on earth are you pandering to that shit?

I've ds spoke to me like that there would be consequences

Why are you running about after them so much?

You might not play the victim but you're certainly playing a total mug

You do more in a day than I do in a week. Have a 2nd glass of wine, put your feet up and tell them dinners ready whenever they make it. And don’t forget to tell them every 20 mins that you’re hungry.

How old are they all?

15 13 10 8

You're martyring yourself.

No one NEEDS berocca so badly you have to drive and get it. They can wait til they (or are near a shop next.

Get them helping out more.

Would not accept that attitude or comment that dinner would be going in the bin and they’d be directed to the cereal cupboard.

Nobody needs berroca so going out again to the shops that are miles away for a demanding 15 year old is martyrdom to an extent.

Can't you get shopping delivered, and get your kids bikes

I genuinely do want to take your feedback on board but realistically they aren’t going to log on to the laptop and start topping up lunch accounts or paying for breakfast club - do people’s children do that?

Food shopping I need to plan for meals and drive there

Cleaning - downstairs needed a deep clean, they do tidy but it needed a proper clean

Gym - I encourage them to exercise

Appreciate I didn’t need to go back out for the berroca - he asked really nicely and I felt bad he doesn’t feel well

When I've read again what you've done today, it doesn't sound too bad. The bad part is if no one has helped. The older ones especially. Sounds like a typical weekend around here, but mine will help with dishwasher, hoover round, help out with a bit of cooking sometimes, walk the dogs etc.

Sounds like a few things going on here:

*You r pissed off with your ex and how he spoke to you

• You r annoyed at your son as he sounds like your ex *You r worried your son is becoming like your ex *You r feeling a bit hard done by and walked over by everyone in the house *You r moaning a lot about your life and everything you do

So you have a few options but I'd do the following..

*Stop moaning
*Start making time for yourself
*Get the kids to help around the house
*Don't allow your children to put you down
*Spend more quality time with your son
*Have some.open discussions with your son about his interests, and try and build a strong bond and open communication with him
*try and enjoy time spent with your kids
*Don't diss your ex to your kids and stop thinking about him, move on

I don't know about anyone else but I was cooking for my whole family when I was 15 (I loved it though to be fair, however all of us were expected to at least help chop and peel veg, cook an easy bit of the dish by the time we were 10ish). My 4 year old even now has to get stuff out of the fridge for his packed lunch (Yoghurts, Babybels etc). It sounds like you're doing everything for them and setting them up to fail. Your 15 year old could be at uni in 3 years, or if not may still want to move out, and if you don't start encouraging thembto do things for themselves they will be absolutely hopeless!

I can't get over how much you run around after them. You went out for paracetamol and then back out again for berocca??

No wonder you snapped. You literally haven't stopped the whole day. I assume you work M-F? You need to rest at the weekend not run yourself ragged.

I work. A lot. They don’t see me much through the week. I think I feel bad at weekends so want to make it up to them

To the PP who mentioned my ex, Christ I don’t bad mouth him at all; we get on well

Appreciate I didn’t need to go back out for the berroca - he asked really nicely and I felt bad he doesn’t feel well
He was well enough to go to the gym.
Berocca isn’t a painkiller or a medication. It’s not a necessity and you could have got some another time.

There’s two issues here…

1. Whether you ‘play the victim’ a lot. I dunno, I don’t know you.
2. Whether you are going to allow your child to speak to you in such a disrespectful contemptuous manner with no punishment. I wouldn’t, but then I also don’t shout, so 🤷‍♀️

How you respond to this behaviour teaches your son how to treat women.

You may not be playing the victim, but you’re certainly playing the martyr!

“What time’s dinner?” on repeat is normal family life, and he didn’t know he was #3.

But that Berroca nonsense? Why did you do that?!

Teens are sometimes horrid. My youngest went through a (mercifully short) period of saying 'it's not all about you Mum' whenever I asked for help that she didn't want to give.
You (and all of us) are allowed to take a little time for ourselves, and to not spend every second at our teens' beck and call.
You were short with the third one, but I'm pretty sure they'll live. Apologise, make sure they don't get away with the mean generalisation, and don't beat yourself up!

Not unwell enough to not be a cheeky wee sod.

What were the consequences of being do rude to you?

Mine don't put money in their lunch accounts but they're responsible for their own uniform and packed lunches and if I was doing a deep clean they would be helping

Ultimately, back to your original question. Your child shouldn't be speaking to you like that, it's a terrible attitude to have. He's picked it up from somewhere, seems obvious where if he sounds just like his Dad!

But yeah if you're gonna do all that running round by choice, I wouldnt be snapping at them just because they asked when dinner was. Its a normal question. They weren't to know the other 2 had asked.

Your letting them push you about. You are snapping because it's all built up. But then your the bad guy.

Firstly do things because you want to not because your hard done to. You want to get berocca because ds has a headache fine but accept you chose to do it.

Second ask people to do stuff, not in a irritated way. But if they come asking when dinner is give them a job.

Third take time for your self , if you are running round doing everything for everyone all the time it's not appreciated and it leaves you feeling like shit. Be a bit selfish sometimes.

Tbh yeah I agree with him. You've written this whole long list of everything you've done but it's all basic life and parenting stuff. They didn't choose to be born, your kid is poorly, it's your job to provide them with medication. Personally I have a kit with everything in so I don't have to run out for stuff, you choose not to so you have to get medication when it's required.

If you communicated to them when to expect dinner you wouldn't have to say it so many times. I don't like this idea that kids should be expected to eat whatever they're given whenever they're given it. We wouldn't enjoy that.

So yeah, I think you're complaining about the very normal life you've chosen and it's not their fault.