Teenager told me I “play the victim” all the time

[PiccaZ]

Which is exactly the same thing his father always accused me of.

So I genuinely am asking you all if IABU or not, am I playing the victim?

Ive been non stop all day, up at 7 to take teenager to the gym, food shopping, home, took other DC out for the day to a place they wanted to go to, home about 4, sorted school clothes, cleaned downstairs, packed lunches, school and home admin. Put dinner on. DS says he had a headache but no paracetamol in the house, I go out to get paracetamol, come home and he asks for berroca, go back out and get bloody berroca. Finally sit down with a glass of wine and DD comes in “what time is dinner” - explain about 20 mins. Then 2nd DD comes in “what time is dinner” - 20 bloody minutes, then DS comes in “what time is dinner” - FGS it’s 20 BLOODY MINUTES.

DS then accuses me of always being grumpy , I explained it was the 3rd time I’d been asked within the space of 2 mins, I’m trying to have a quiet glass of wine whilst cooking, it Will be ready when it’s bloody ready

and then I get the “oh poor mummy always playing the victim”

AIBU here? Ok he didn’t know I’d already been asked twice before so probably wondered why he was getting shouted at, I get that

@DaveyJonesLocker

“ I don't like this idea that kids should be expected to eat whatever they're given whenever they're given it. We wouldn't enjoy that.”

eh?! When they are adults, buying and cooking their own food for themselves that’s when they can decide what time they want to eat

You do sound a bit of a mummy martyr OP. Maybe stop doing so much for them.

I wanted to add, my brother never needed to wash his uniform once as my mum automatically done it, even ironed it and hung it on his bedroom door frame for the next day ready for him and the rest she would put in his wardrobe! He never had to take turns with her washing and drying the dishes! He literally barely had to lift a finger as my mum just done it all without complaining which is the difference I was mentioning to him when he called! My mum is a vegetarian and she would even cook two meals every day, a vegetarian one and a meat one for my brother without him having to take part! No way would that ever be the case when my sister and I was growing up! There is 11 years between my brother and I and she had him at like 34 or a year or two younger so was much later in life but he literally grew to be a entitled little shit now, whereas my sister and I had to work for everything we wanted and was both made to leave home early! Was a difference in time but also a difference in treatment and it showed in the behaviours we all exhibited later on in life!

It's an infuriating, entitled response. He knows how to push your buttons!

I think you need to put some boundaries in place to protect yourself: in this instance I would have said no to the berocco. He should have mentioned it earlier.

I also think it sounds like you need more help - one of the kids could have helped sort the school clothes and the packed lunches

I would have made sure one of the children helped me with the dinner. They can tell everyone what times it's going to be.

You sound exhausted . I am sure they are perfectly capable of helping. Even if they are not that helpful, at least they will understand why you are tired,

Just tell him to fuck off and if he wants to see you play victim you can show him what that REALLY means. I wouldn’t tolerate that.

Your DC are taking the piss.
Asking you to go out twice for medicine and then speaking to you like that?
Would love to see them try that at my house.....

That's a really rude thing to say to your mother.

It's also a classic of misogyny, negating a woman's complaints with another version of "you're hysterical".

You do far too much for them and I wouldn't have gone out TWICE for things they requested. Paracetamol maybe but certainly nothing else. They need to be doing their own lunches and uniforms too. Do they cook at all? The eldsst two especially. Isn't part of parenting teaching how to do basic household tasks? Look how much you do and your son came out with that? Lovely.

Definatly tell the entitled little brat to fuck off !

I strongly suspect she has picked it from a frrom her Dad,

Your Prick of jerk of a Husband

Children like sponges 🧽 absorbing everything

I put YABU because whatever kind of day you had, he’s just a kid and you got cross with him about something that was not his fault. It’s stressful, I get it.

If I were I’d just apologise to him, and say look it’s not easy doing it all on your own, but that you are sorry you shouldn’t have snapped. That way, you are treating DS with respect, but also getting across that it’s not easy.

Why are you wiping their arses so much OP?

Jesus don’t do that!

Oh he’s parroting his dad! Nip that right in the bud OP.

YANBU

You should stop running your kids around so much and absolutely should not have run out for the berocca.

If a child of mine spoke to me the way your daughter did, she wouldn't get dinner.

The answer to the question, 'When is dinner?' is, 'I'll call you when it's ready, dear, and in the meanwhile, you can clear and set the table, thank you.' Nothing stops teenagers from bothering you about dinner, like giving them work to do if they come near you in the kitchen.

You are not obliged to give a straight answer to a rude question. You're not The Hired Help.

Don't be drawn when they whine at you about dinner or anything else you're doing for them. (Where's my laundry? Where are those shoes you said you'd clean?, etc). Give them the job of ironing, folding, putting away, etc.

Make them do without extras if you've already got them what they need and you're sitting down or have something better to do.

Make them do more for themselves.

Tell your H his criticism wasn't asked for and isn't welcome.

I’m on the fence.

He’s being awful, pushing buttons,testing boundaries and trying on different personality aspects for size. In other words being a developmentally average teenage boy.

He needs pulling up on some of that.

Don’t assume that he’s growing into your ex. I’m sure he’s better than that.

But there’s a lesson here for you too. You were tired, a bit dysregulated, maybe hangry. You lashed out. Maybe you’re looking for more appreciation but it’s not a teen’s job to provide that. The hard part of parenting teens is that you don’t get the feel-goods that you get from little kids .

You probably need to fill your cup more than you are. You’re doing a lot for everyone but maybe you need to do a bit more for yourself. A glass of wine to unwind is not enough.

Well it's hard to tell based on just the info given, so I might be wrong. And my response is coloured by my experiences of my own mother.

But it does sound to me like you are martyring yourself. It's not fair or nice to shout in response to a reasonable question. How was ds meant to know that his siblings had already asked?

So then you need to look at why you shouted. You were stressed. As an adult it is your responsibility to manage your own stress levels. Your teenagers can't set your boundaries for you, it's not their job to carefully work out how many things to ask you for based on how busy your day has been and the beds of their siblings. It's your job to set boundaries rather than pushing yourself too the point you become grumpy and shouty.

Work out what is a reasonable, less non-stop day, and then only agree to that many requests.

Your kids will get slightly less of their "wants" met, or have to organise more things for themselves, but if it were me that would be worth it to get to live with a consistently calm and non-shouty parent.

He was really rude to you - I don't think you were playing the victim at all by getting pussed off by bring asked the same question three times, after a really busy day. I hope you told him it was totally unacceptable, I imagine it was very hurtful hearing him put you down as your ex did.

I don't think whether you're doing to much for your kids is relevant - he was rude and needs to apologise, and this is an opportunity for you to share some of the housework put with the kids.

I get that if you live in an isolated area there's a big need to bring them places like the gym, but could your son at least get a bike and get about himself? If not can you look at moving - otherwise you have at least 10 years of being a taxi driver for your kids.

Don’t let your kids speak to you like and then make them dinner. In fact don’t make them dinner. Make them do it.

And no of course you didn’t need to go out for berroca - he didn’t need it. Could have waited.

Please don’t let your children behave like this anymore. The world doesn’t need any more entitled lazy kids.

That’s a really unpleasant phrase for him to use. I’d be pulling him up on that very sharply.

Fine, you shouldn’t have snapped but you’re human. He needs to know though that he can’t speak to you like that, and if indeed it is his genuine opinion that you’re always moaning, perhaps he could reflect on how much pressure there is on you as a single parent and step up to help out more.

It’s-a teenage thing “you think you’re the main character” “playing the victim” etc. I’ve been doing 60 hour weeks (often more) and if I EVER try to ask my kids to maybe do the washing up they say the same. They genuinely don’t realise that I get tired and need help. They think I am superwoman who can work all the hours to keep them in new clothes, phone contracts, cash and snacks. However, I remember feeling the same as a teenager. So I cut them a little slack THEN make them do the washing up. Fight for your rights.

”Am I playing the victim or are you being selfish?”

I think 2 things

1. I wouldn't tolerate that from my teen (or indeed anyone in the house) when I was driving around for them, cooking for them, minding them. I'd be very very clear that he wasn't to talk to me like that. Actually if my teen said that to me I'd be really really angry at him and would let some of that anger show. He needs to know that you are a full human being with a life and not someone who serves his life. I have three kids now in their early 20s and not one of them ever said something like that to me. If they did, they'd have regretted it. Did they all say thank you for the driving, for getting stuff for them for cooking dinner? If not, why not?
2. If he reminds you very much of his father when he talks like that, you need to make sure you aren't being triggered and try to divorce the resemblance to his dad from the actual behaviour. This is hard.

OP I was talking to my 84 year old mother about something similar todayShe doesn't understand why so many people, presumably in my age group ish, are running around so much after their kids. (This came from a lunch she had with mums in that age group).

If I'd asked for a lift to the gym at 7 on a Sunday - 7! 😱- , I'd just be told no. I'd only get a lift anywhere if it was convenient.

How far are you from shops? Me and my sis would be asked to get things en route home from school. Paracetamol yes, Berocca no.

Deep clean - we had cleaning duties at weekends. In fact, when I was 15, both parents were working 7 days a week because they started a business, so I did a lot of laundry and hoovering. I'd come home from school and put on laundry. Still managed to have boyfriends etc so it wasn't a hardship.

I would assume he’s heard his father say it of you.

"Shit with sugar on" is the response to any capable child. Play entitled games, win entitled prizes