To be cheesed off about the pasta bake incident five years on

[Dangelis]

This is as light hearted as it gets, I'm not actually fuming about this! I am interested in some perspectives though.

In 2017, five friends from East Anglia and I got an Airbnb in London so we could all go to a late night event nearby. I was the first to arrive (I live in London but was bunking in with them anyway) so I went to a supermarket and got a few bags of crisps, soft drinks and some small charcuterie type stuff - enough for everyone, but mainly because I like having this kind of stuff around while I'm getting ready to go out, so I paid for it myself. I figured the others could order delivery if they wanted anything bigger.

On my friends' group chat, I'd noticed a few references to a "pasta bake" and some requests for money over the past two weeks, but I'd skimmed over these.

When my friends turned up, one of the couples (who I barely knew) arrived with THE pasta bake. I was surprised as I thought it had been a joke - and practically speaking, it sort of was. There were two huge ceramic oven dishes full of the coldest, most wet and cheese-less penne bake I'd even seen, and they'd been sitting in the back of someone's car covered in foil for over three hours, all the way from Kings Lynn to Southwark. They were carried in with GREAT fanfare by the woman of the couple, who proceeded to re-heat this huge beige thing in the oven, and then ladle big, sad, stodgy bowls of it out to everyone (not what anyone wants to try to hold and shovel down while trying to put on makeup and get into a cocktail dress!!!). She talked about the cooking process and recipe too, as if we couldn't work it out. The way this woman went about it, you'd think she thought she'd rescued the whole night from disaster and starvation. I think I attempted to navigate my way around an undercooked piece of broccoli and watery pasta for a bit before hiding it in my room. It was honestly so bizarre to watch this performance happening while the rest of us were enjoying the vibe of getting ready to go to a quite expensive and elegant night out.

So far so bland. But the next morning, the woman went around telling everyone how much the ingredients (penne pasta, broccoli, not enough tomato sauce, and cheese In Name Only) had cost and calculating how much each person in the house owed them for the privilege of being involved in THE pasta bake. I honestly can't remember if I paid up or not - I think one of my mates who was closer to them paid for a few of us out of embarrassment.

This couple are divorced now, and I haven't seen the woman since the event. I've never brought it up with my friends, but I find myself thinking about this all the time. Was I being snotty about what was, in theory, a nice but misguided gesture? Am I overestimating how much small-towners know about food availability in Central London after dark? Or was this genuinely weird and off base?

It was weird! I think I would have declined the food tbh.

I think it was nice thing to do, and what ever you were doing, and wherever you were going, you had the option of being full before you left - which is often a good idea, and works out a lot cheaper in many ways

Its weird that you have never discussed it with your friends- because you are still clearing thinking about it ALL these years later!

Out of interest, were you going to a restaurant before the show or was the pasta bake and your snacks the only food? Did everyone else have your crisps and snacks? If they did, I would have laughed at the women and made a point of saying that of course you wouldn't be charging everyone for eating your snacks.

The only weird thing is spending so much time thinking about it 5 years later and writing the script.

"If you do the right thing for the wrong reasons, the work becomes corrupted, impure, and ultimately self-destructive" aka Narcissistic Altruism. It may have had the bones of a nice idea but it was done with the expectation of both praise and monetary reimbursement, which negated any good intentions.

Nah, I agree with you, that's proper weird

Why have you specified the place names?

Depends whether the event you were going to included food or not. If not, your crisps and charcuterie were not going to be enough to sustain everyone through thr whole evening. I am a Londoner myself, and know there are trillions of food outlets available 24/7 but have you considered that maybe the woman and her partner were looking for a way to cut the cost of the night out, having Presumably already paid their share for the Airbnb and the event?

Penne is very exotic in Kings Lynn tho

Well, a pasta bake probably doesn't travel well, and it's cheap as chips to make, so asking for a contribution (of what? 50p per person? bearing in mind it was years ago before food price inflation) seems a bit odd.

But, still thinking about the incident 5 years later is more odd tbh.

I would have felt sorry for her and wondered if her life was a bit closed off. Maybe she had once attended a getting-ready and there was a successful pasta bake there and she wanted to re-create that. God knows. Other people’s food normality can be wildly different from
one’s own. Just “oh no thanks, I’ve already eaten” is usually sufficient.

I think she was trying to be nice but it just wasn’t your thing and they were weirdly stingy about the money.

It takes all sorts. They are not really your kind of people…

The grandiosity, and the expectation that you all pay for something noone actually asked for, makes it a definite irritation. Was the friend always a bit like this?

Two things baffling

1. you never have spoken about this with your friends and neither they to you
2. you start a thread 5 years afterwards

Maybe she was equally as unimpressed with your ‘charcuterie’

I know you say it's lighthearted, but it is weird to be dwelling on this all these years later!

On my friends' group chat, I'd noticed a few references to a "pasta bake" and some requests for money over the past two weeks, but I'd skimmed over these.

It sounds like there clearly was an arrangement for somebody to make pasta bake and an expectation made upfront that the cost would be shared. The food might not have been to your taste but I’m not sure what the bake-maker did wrong here.

I agree! It is weird that I do that! I'm laughing at myself here too, before anyone attributes too much earnestness to my outrage.

So someone says in advance that they’re going to bring a pasta bake and says in advance that it would be for all and contribution expected.

So you had plenty of opportunity to say “there are loads of places to eat in London and I don’t fancy a big meal when getting ready” - yet you didn’t.

The only thing this person did wrong, was not be a great cook 🤷🏻‍♀️ (in your opinion)

And now you’re griping about in 5 years on? You’re not a nice person.

And by the way… I expect you bought some cold meats, yes? “Charcuterie” my arse 🤣 You sound like a north Lynner who’s been to Peterborough once (let alone London) and come back up their own arse 🤣

You got the air bnb?

who invited her?

My mum has a similar pasta bake story that we have never forgotten.
When I was a child we always went for a family day out to another family’s house in the holidays. My mum always made lovely food - the other mum tended to be very frugal in many ways( think no lights allowed on evening in the evening) . Both families had plenty of money.

Once the mum made pasta bake for lunch and made a huge deal about how she had saved the ends of pieces of cheese to melt down for weeks to make this cost effective meal. It took the shine off the occasion and my mum decided she would be a fool to continue making special meals for this family. Like you OP I never forget things… 😁

You were snooty about it before it arrived, ignoring the details and dismissing it as joke. When it did arrive (to a fanfare!) you were insulting. All you had to do was decline it in favour of your superior charcuterie board and never given it another thought.

And your last paragraph about how little out of towners know about food after dark ....... So good that you were there with your crisps, processed meat and soft drinks. Every day (and night) is a learning day.

When my friends turned up, one of the couples (who I barely knew) arrived with THE pasta bake. I

but you said you got the air bnb for five friends

Sounds like a Mike Leigh play, and something that would become an in-joke amongst friends.

In reality a thoughtful gesture to those who had had a 3 hour journey.

I remember when Pasta Bakes were the most oft repeated ‘recipe’ on MN. You should be grateful it didn’t have tuna in it.

As a way to illustrate the monumental journey taken by the pasta across time and space.