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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at this comment

107 replies

Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 10:40

Due to extremely difficult circumstances we’ve both had to give up work. We had tried part time and outsourcing things (eg got a cleaner) but it still wasn’t working so I became a sahp full time - still didn’t work so dp gave up too.
DC have multiple complex health and SEN issues.

At no point have family offered support or practical help . We’ve now been on the receiving end of judgemental comments now neither of us are working .

We’ve been told we should be volunteering to give something back to the society that is ‘keeping us’ 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Honestly had enough

OP posts:
704703hey · 25/03/2023 10:43

But you're taking care of vulnerable children? That IS giving back

Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 10:45

704703hey · 25/03/2023 10:43

But you're taking care of vulnerable children? That IS giving back

Yes and what they don’t know (because they rarely bother to talk to us ) is that we regularly volunteer for the pta events at school as that’s the most we can manage for

OP posts:
HaveANiceFuckingDay · 25/03/2023 10:45

Do BOTH of you have to give up work ? What are you living off ?

Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 10:47

It’s just been a long history of contact dwindling and if there is contact it’s all about them and if we say anything about dc it’s ‘well in my day that was bad behaviour’ or minimising medical things.
They are happy to regularly help with other grandchildren as they are ‘no trouble at all’

Im just angry and hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 10:47

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 25/03/2023 10:45

Do BOTH of you have to give up work ? What are you living off ?

Universal credit

OP posts:
Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 10:50

It’s not even about childcare that’s an example I think all I’d really like is for them to say they’ll pop round for a coffee and a chat or to say ‘come on come round here for lunch’ or something just some emotional support . Anything really

OP posts:
Reddickyouless · 25/03/2023 10:52

Tell them it's none of their business, you've got enough on your plate without adding to it

FrenchTrellis · 25/03/2023 10:53

That sounds so hurtful OP. I would be pissed off too!

Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 10:59

I think they are ignorant but also have deliberately distanced themselves and are extremely judgemental 😞

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpier · 25/03/2023 11:15

Is there a reason you both have to give up work ? I say this as a parent of a sen child and yes i agree it’s extremely hard without support but it really would be a absolute last resort for me to give up work I couldn’t afford living on universal credits .
id explore every avenue I’d bash down social services door for a start as I have often .
saying that I’m sure it was done if it wasn’t a last resort so yanbu .

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 25/03/2023 11:19

People just don’t get it. You do end up with people that were previously a huge part of you life being people you just walk away from sadly.

I’ve had to cut off one of my cousins for their constant “now your youngest is at school what about this job” type messages that are a deliberate attempt to make me feel shit for not working (though if you say anything the claim is “just trying to help…”)

A lot of people simply do not realise how little support there is now. I thought it was bad pre-covid, but there’s just nothing now.

Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 11:20

gettingolderandgrumpier · 25/03/2023 11:15

Is there a reason you both have to give up work ? I say this as a parent of a sen child and yes i agree it’s extremely hard without support but it really would be a absolute last resort for me to give up work I couldn’t afford living on universal credits .
id explore every avenue I’d bash down social services door for a start as I have often .
saying that I’m sure it was done if it wasn’t a last resort so yanbu .

We are a lot better off on UC and it’s taken away our financial stress but the main reason is we were doing jobs that we needed to be concentrating on and we couldn’t because of lack of sleep and Id had a breakdown we kept trying to cut hours and outsource but this is the best option for the time being

OP posts:
clpsmum · 25/03/2023 11:21

Tell them to fuck off

I feel for you life is not easy and as a parent of a child with sen I'm sure ignorant people judge already you don't need it from your family.

Sending big hugs

Minfilia · 25/03/2023 11:22

Do they have a point though? Why would both of you need to give up work if someone is at home FT?

TheHoover · 25/03/2023 11:23

Unbelievable. Tell them to fuck off.

Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 11:23

Minfilia · 25/03/2023 11:22

Do they have a point though? Why would both of you need to give up work if someone is at home FT?

We have 3 dc only one is at school all have asd and adhd and medical issues too . So it’s a constant juggling act

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 25/03/2023 11:26

We are a lot better off on UC

I guess that's not the answer that nixes the 'society is keeping you' thinking. Was expecting you to say you had several DC with sen to explain how it wasn't possible for a SAHP to manage the caring while the other worked etc. Obviously up to you not to explain, but if the answer is that you're better off on UC then you'll have to suck up judgemental folk who don't understand that there's a lot more to it than that.

704703hey · 25/03/2023 11:27

Don't let anyone criticise, they're not living your life.

Easier said than done but you're doing what's best for your family.

Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 11:28

Pinkdelight3 · 25/03/2023 11:26

We are a lot better off on UC

I guess that's not the answer that nixes the 'society is keeping you' thinking. Was expecting you to say you had several DC with sen to explain how it wasn't possible for a SAHP to manage the caring while the other worked etc. Obviously up to you not to explain, but if the answer is that you're better off on UC then you'll have to suck up judgemental folk who don't understand that there's a lot more to it than that.

One of our main issues was finances causing more stress on top of the medical stuff it was awful

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 25/03/2023 11:28

x-post, okay well I think that's a better answer and maybe having a plan/saying it's also a temporary thing until more DC are in school. People will still think that some kind of part-time gig is possible with 2 adults and one DC in school, because 5 people is a lot of people to be covered by UC otherwise.

Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 11:30

Pinkdelight3 · 25/03/2023 11:28

x-post, okay well I think that's a better answer and maybe having a plan/saying it's also a temporary thing until more DC are in school. People will still think that some kind of part-time gig is possible with 2 adults and one DC in school, because 5 people is a lot of people to be covered by UC otherwise.

We really did try but it just didn’t work out

OP posts:
Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 11:33

Even when my parents know we have hospital appts , therapy appts , therapy to do at home , etc etc. no sleep and have to do so much extra washing and cleaning due to certain issues they think we should be able to use any spare time to volunteer when actually we need to eat or sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
Outoftouchinconsiderate · 25/03/2023 11:33

It’s like they expect us to make more hours in the day!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 25/03/2023 11:34

People will judge inc family. That's what people do. I'd stop interacting and look for emotional support from parents at sen groups etc.

Hopefully you will be able to access something like direct payments to get some respite.

704703hey · 25/03/2023 11:37

I don't think (some) people understand that you don't go on UC for shits and giggles.

It's not for fun.