To be pissed off at this comment

[Outoftouchinconsiderate]

Due to extremely difficult circumstances we’ve both had to give up work. We had tried part time and outsourcing things (eg got a cleaner) but it still wasn’t working so I became a sahp full time - still didn’t work so dp gave up too.
DC have multiple complex health and SEN issues.

At no point have family offered support or practical help . We’ve now been on the receiving end of judgemental comments now neither of us are working .

We’ve been told we should be volunteering to give something back to the society that is ‘keeping us’ 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Honestly had enough

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

People talk to me like I've never thought to ask for help. Like there's all this help out there that I just haven't asked for.

I know the feeling.

As if there’s a plethora of respite, childcare and activities waiting for us if only we ask for help…

Sadly when you’re in the circumstances you are you really find out who around you is clueless, ignorant or just downright offensive.

This thread is a very sad read. I am SAHM and main carer to our disabled DC, who has complex needs. DH works but only because I enable that through my full time care. If both of our children were disabled we could easily have been in the situation OP is in and we may have had to do the same as them.

People can never understand it unless they've been there. And if you haven't then sure, you can have your opinion, but it isn't an informed one.

OP you are raising three children under challenging circumstances. Hats off to you and your partner.

Thankyou for so many kind comments for once I feel valued and that’s not something I usually feel

People have the idea that those on UC are living lavish. A lot are working for pennies and need the extra cash to feed their family, it's hardly living the life of Riley. Pretty sure most would take working full time for a decent wage over being a SAHP scraping by each month. Ignore them OP if that's what's keeping you sane then carry on as you are

Reduce your contact since they are useless anyway. Ask them if they want to try walking in your shoes for a day so they can see how much you have to deal with. Practice saying “Mind your own business” if all else fails. They sound toxic 😰

They sou d as though they're only capable of adding to your burden. Grey Rock where you essentially cut then out of your trusted circle and keep them at an emotional distance is very liberating. But it can be a wrench. But you can only give so much OP. If they can't be there for you then why listen to their painful comments?

If this works for you right now then fair enough. Unfortunately people will judge, including family, as neither of you working is a strain on an already struggling society. However, no one should be better off on UC than at work so that’s not your fault but rather the Government setting a low minimum wage and employers not paying fairly. Lots of jobs aren’t family friendly either especially with SEN kids so people like you are forced out of work. We need to do better as a country to support people so that work isn’t impossible for those with caring responsibilities.

You sound like your doing your absolute best for your family in what is a very difficult situation. Don't let awful relatives grind you down.

Precisely this OP. Benefits are there for people that need then and you and your family NEED them. Don't explain to ignorant and judgemental family members or strangers on a parenting forum. You are doing the best you can hats off to you I'm sure you are doing a brilliant job

Do you have a social worker? If not I think you need one. As PP pointed out, residential or foster care would cost the state a lot more. I would be very open with social services about your situation.

Oh dear, @Outoftouchinconsiderate I hope your family don't need help from you as they get older.. (if it was me, they wouldn't be getting it.)

I think all you can do is not spend time with people who make you feel bad. I'm sure it would be nice if people offered to make you lunch or help in the house. I know a lot of people with young children who don't get a lot of help. You can't help that. Just as not everyone understands your circumstances you might not understand theirs. Two partners who work full time and have young children also have a lot on. I'm
not comparing but just saying you don't necessarily know what others are dealing with so can't necessarily expect them to help.

People fire their mouths off without thinking about the impact they have on others.

Don't let them guilt you into volunteering, unless you particularly want to. After all you have a child with SEN who needs to come first anyway.

TBH OP - unless specifically asked, why would anyone think 2 SAHPs would need help? Help with what?

I'm on UC too and I've noticed people can be pretty rude to me about it.

Especially because of the cost of living crisis and people are struggling

Not help what I meant was emotional support more than anything just to check in with me or meet for coffee or lunch or just a chat. If there’s contact it’s initiated by me and they don’t stop talking about themselves and if I say anything I’m immediately had a go at or things minimised and dismissed

Also they know all the dc diagnosis ! So I’d assume anyone else would realise it’s a lot to deal with and ask

Unfortunately, I think the cost of living crisis has left a lot of people struggling and more unhappy than ever. Working all the hours with nothing more to show for it than those that don’t. It can be difficult not to feel resentful. It’s not ok to make unkind comments to you, it perhaps is coming from a place of stress and unhappiness at the current climate

You don't have to explain or defend yourself - you've made it clear:

Exhausted
Breakdown
Work compromised by above
Severe disability in children, two of which aren't in school
No support from family
The financial aspect is a small bonus

You have to do what YOU have to do - if this is what is making your family tick right now, then that's all that matters.

My bro and sister in law are in a similar position - both have had catastrophic breakdowns and are now both at home with my niblings full time.

It's unlike your situation will be the same forever - things will improve in one way or another and one of you is bound to return to work, if not both of you one day too. But right now, this is what works for your family unit.

Your family who are criticising you absolutely suck and don't deserve your time and energy.

I just wish people who feel that way could be me for a week as they’d realise the privilege they actually have. I don’t think people mean it unkindly even sometimes they just don’t understand what it’s like to be a parent to a disabled child / children. I feel like I’m always in a state of high stress as I just don’t know what will happen next and I feel like a carer and cleaner not a mum

If there’s contact it’s initiated by me and they don’t stop talking about themselves and if I say anything I’m immediately had a go at or things minimised and dismissed

How many people you know speak to you this way OP? I'm not sure if you're saying everyone speaks to you this way or specific people. It sounds like these are not people you should be meeting for coffee and a chat though?

It’s just my parents

I just wish I had parents who cared, I feel hurt

@Outoftouchinconsiderate I don’t think those outside of the situation can ever really get it, even when they try to ☹️

Both my children have SEN and other health issues, as does my husband and my own make quite a list! We do both work but I I totally appreciate the struggle. Im
sorry you don’t have the support you need and deserve.