To be pissed off at this comment

[Outoftouchinconsiderate]

Due to extremely difficult circumstances we’ve both had to give up work. We had tried part time and outsourcing things (eg got a cleaner) but it still wasn’t working so I became a sahp full time - still didn’t work so dp gave up too.
DC have multiple complex health and SEN issues.

At no point have family offered support or practical help . We’ve now been on the receiving end of judgemental comments now neither of us are working .

We’ve been told we should be volunteering to give something back to the society that is ‘keeping us’ 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Honestly had enough

Same here op. Both children disabled, one with learning disabilities and one with type one diabetes both require round the clock care. I'm also disabled myself.
It's exhausting. Fuck what other people think.

One of mine has type 1 too. It’s a horrendous combination as aspects of autism seem to affect diabetes - blood sugar can get up into the 20s from meltdowns and it’s stubborn 😭

Oh poppet, do you want to send me a message and we can talk over Facebook or something?
My ds T1D was only diagnosed 15th this month and it's hard as anything I can't imagine what it's like with autism on top pushing up blood sugars but I'm happy to chat and listen and support one mum to another. X

Thankyou so much I will send you a pm when I’ve got everyone to bed

I've got multiple children with complex needs so I understand your struggles but for us it wouldn't work if we were both at home.
I need a break from my partner as much as I need a break from the kids 🤣.
He works full time but is amazing with the kids when he's home.
I volunteer at a food bank just to give me a break and have a conversation with other people.
Do whatever you got to do to keep fit and well and ignore anyone else who doesn't walk a day in your shoes 🤷‍♀️👍🏻x

People don't understand how much help children with ASD, ADHD and other ASN may need. Even some parents with children with ASN may not quite get how severe ASN needs can be.

We have 3 Children with ASN my DHS hours are slowly reducing as time goes on. It feels like a matter of time before he's out of work alongside me.

It's exhausting, it can affect your mental health due to lack of sleep and the constant need to watch a child who will put themselves in harm's way at any opportunity they get.

Our dc has lost support set up by social services as they say he's to much and that was with 2-1 care they said they needed 4 adults to 1 child. The respite centre around here costs £700 a night and only has limited spaces. There's over 300 children in our county with severe or profound ASN it's not workable.

No one should judge anyone for not working as you can't see what's going on behind closed doors. I don't tell people I don't work unless asked what I do but I also don't say how we are physically exhausted, punched, kicked or our house has locks everywhere just to keep everything that could be dangerous safe. We have to sleep with house keys in our bed.

It must be a pretty depressing life with neither of you working though. Do you just talk about the DC all day? It must be mind numbing.

This is what has happened with us over the last 2 years we just kept reducing hours to try to manage but it’s still wasn’t enough 😞

It sounds really tough OP, but I don’t think it’s a competition. It’s also really tough to be working all hours while trying to parent and struggling to pay the bills including childcare. Of course it’s a privilege to have kids without complex needs, but equally it’s a privilege to be able to get an allowance so you can both give up work to look after your children.

I’m glad you’ve both got carers allowance and hope that when the kids are at school things ease off a bit.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do about your parents other than maintain contact and try and clearly communicate what you’d like from them. Once the kids get older that may help family relationships also.

No a lot of time we are out at appts or therapy and often one of us at one place with one dc and the other at a different place. We don’t really get much time to talk unless it’s some kind of handover almost if we are swapping over dc. When we are both at home together it feels like one of us is with dc and the other cleaning or something (we need to wash bedding very regularly) . School runs for our eldest factored in and then the awful nights mean we are never bored and always hectic

How is that a remotely fucking helpful comment?

Honestly, I think if there are two adults, who have chosen to have 3 children, and neither of you are working then you’re going to have to expect some judgment. It might not be nice but unfortunately a lot of people will be judging.

I've read your post and responses as I'm going to admit that I was struggling to understand why you would need 2 adults to manage 3 children. There's still part of me thinking, OK, you had a disturbed night so nap, just as I did when I cared for a newborn and a toddler. Just what exactly do you need to do?
So if I can ask those questions it's not so odd that other people wouldn't understand, even family. It sounds like your life is incredibly hard.
When you say you feel everyone is judging you, do you really just mean your parents? What about friends and neighbours or wider family?
There's nothing stopping you having a long term goal too. In time when all the children are at school there might be more opportunities available to you. Use this time well to repair your mental (and physical?) health. Join a carers support group where you'll be with people who have an understanding of your situation.
In the meantime don't wait for an invite from your parents, take the lead and ask them over, maybe an Easter Egg hunt and dinner.

Soooooooo much ignorance on this thread. Unsurprisingly like.

They have good reason not working.

children with autism and diabetes. Do you even know how difficult that is to manage?
Why do people even comment if they lack understanding, the mind boggles.

You absolutely should feel valued. I'm sorry you don't.

I've a family member who has a 7 year old. ADHD and only ever slept for 5 hours in a 24 hour period with a bit of an appetite. Child used to climb the curtains, climb out of windows (third floor flat), began getting violent at school and with others. The family member was a single parent and ex partner insisted it was because the child wasn't disciplined properly.

Child has now been approved for medication but now only sleeps for 3 hours in 24 and has minimal appetite (only eats chicken nuggets and pizza and dinner is usually 1 nugget that they struggle to finish), teaspoon of beans and tablespoon of mash. My family member ended up having a breakdown because they burnt out taking care of them, working and all on 3 hours sleep.

I don't know how bad your children are but I suspect, for now, its better to ha e two parents at home tackling that situation with more than 1 child than it is to potentially have the sahp to resent the working parent. It's stressful enough to potentially cause a split which is something you really, really don't want.

Just remember, someone will always have a negative opinion and will always have that, regardless of your choices.

Generally, opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has them. And they are arseholes!

As someone in a similar position to op the ignorance on this thread is familiar to what it's like in real life.

The reality is the op will be doing the best they can. If people around them knew what life was like they'd be lifting their spirits telling them they are doing what they can and are great parents and offering support.

Disregard them, nothing to do with anyone how you run your life.

I can imagine it’s very difficult to manage, yes.

DD probably has autism (awaiting assessment) and hardly goes to school. She’s not that ‘bad’ really, in that if everything is okay then she is okay.
However she takes up all my time. I have to be available to drive her to and from school during the middle of the day. She doesn’t like to be left alone too long any other time which means I can’t go far. So I hardly go out. However I’m fairly free in the house. I thought about trying to work online but I don’t think I can commit physically to the hours of being online , but mainly mentally I can’t do it when she is having bad episodes, which can last for days.

That’s with her being fairly okay, if she was really disabled I can see how much worse it would get. i also had someone suggest I volunteer. It devalues the idea that volunteers don’t need to be reliable and engaged as well.

Because ALL their children are disabled. I have two kids, one disabled, one not. The non disabled child is 10x easier on my physical and mental health than their sibling.

This morning I was woken up at five am by a phone being launched repeatedly at my head and high pitched distressed shrieking because the phone/missile had run out of charge. The next five hours I have been followed to the kitchen, bathroom, loo and asked 'iPad? Bear Hunt?' more times than I could even count. I have had to separate the kids in order to keep the younger one safe, I'm kind of floating between the two rooms giving as much of myself as I can to both kids.

It's not normal hard. It's super hard.

But I think @JudgeRudy point is if she can ask this question then others won't necessarily get it either (let's face it people don't know what they haven't experienced) so the reactions are based on that. OP can't just expect people to understand.

I have a toddler and so many of the parents I know complained about how hard it was when they were younger and didn't sleep through the night (normal baby stuff). That's normal to me. My point is just because someone complains something is hard (such as if OP tells friends and family how hard her life is) they won't necessarily know still because lots of people talk about how hard they work and how tired they are and similar.

My only point is others don't understand and it's not their fault but you can't always rely on other people for support. I agree getting to know people in similar situations is a good starting point.

@Outoftouchinconsiderate how are you?
How are you doing /feeling?

From what I have read it seems to me the one thing you need is someone to see how you are. I get this.

Also judgement and ignorance will come from everybody ( examples, oh it's not that bad some have it harder. They just acting that way for xyz. What did you do to make them act like that).

On judgement you have to ignore or my go to one is, my son never asked to be disabled.

Have you had a carers assessment? If not get one. That could open up an avenue of help. Then try to find a sen parents group as they will be the most understanding regarding how it impacts. May also be one online.

You are doing what you need to do - that is justification for UC. By you taking action now you are likely to be saving the state tons of money later on because you are meeting your children's needs now thus ensuring them better, more stable futures .

Honestly, until you have a child with SEND or acute medical needs you just cannot know what it is like. I only had one with SEND and one with manageable but life long med needs requiting appointments and although we both worked the toll on my health has been substantial.

Good luck. Keep away from the negativity and blow the stupidity of others that make these comments.

This.