To be pissed off at this comment

[Outoftouchinconsiderate]

Due to extremely difficult circumstances we’ve both had to give up work. We had tried part time and outsourcing things (eg got a cleaner) but it still wasn’t working so I became a sahp full time - still didn’t work so dp gave up too.
DC have multiple complex health and SEN issues.

At no point have family offered support or practical help . We’ve now been on the receiving end of judgemental comments now neither of us are working .

We’ve been told we should be volunteering to give something back to the society that is ‘keeping us’ 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Honestly had enough

I'd also question why you both don't work. However if UC have assessed your circumstances and are happy you can both be at home (I presume you're both claiming carers allowance for different children?), then it's really no one elses business.

These comments do hurt so much, especially when they people who know your circumstances. I'm a working single parent now but when my DC were both much younger and I was in receipt of lone parent benefit, a school friend said to me that her husbands taxes supported me. I was so shocked. Couldn't look at her in the same way again. Now I'm working again and paying taxes (oh holy grail!?!). A friend of my mother's made a comment to me as well ''isn't it nice that the government paid you to leave your x''. Just beggars belief sometimes, the callousness of being who are in better situations. They wouldn't swap with you but they still grudge you fresh air! When you get a good job that pays well, they grudge you that too!

You do what works for your family OP, ignore everyone else! They're probably jealous your not working but don't actually realise what looking after a child with health issues entails, it is more than a full time job!

Yes we both get carers

We found that we really couldn’t meet the dc needs and our own unless we were both at home it was ending up with a situation where we were both unwell and exhausted and my mental health was horrendous

You don't need this negatively in your lives. Cut them all off, they do nothing to enrich your lives.

You are doing what's best for your children and everyone else can fuck off. It's not like any of them would swap places with you in return for any amount of benefits. I have no problem with my tax money supporting families with disabilities and additional needs. If circumstances change in the future where it becomes feasible for one or both of you to work, I'm sure you will.

I can’t wait till they are all in school this isn’t ideal but for now is the only way to manage the needs of everyone

We have 4...2 with big health needs and 3 are under 2 so I sah or do appointments etc and clean cook and hubby works and helps out soon as he gets back in..sounds like maybe you need to juggle things differently maybe. 🙂

Who are these people who are judging you? Just don’t tell people your situation. (We’re very similar, except dh does work but I’m on pip long term and Ds is on dla, we just don’t tell anyone about our finances).

Tbh if you receive UC it's just spent on the economy anyway.

Take a deep breath and step back from them.

People asking if you both had to give up work obviously don't have great imaginations. I have no children let alone children with complex needs. I can totally understand with a range of adsional needs why you'd boyhe struggle to work. Especially with how many issues our health and social care system is facing at the moment. There's often not any support, or the level you need to take care of a child's complex needs.

Sorry op. I think lots of people don't understand disability / long term health issues and the impact. As shown by the comment you received and the comments here!

It's as if different people have different things going on....

If your parents are judgemental, please stop looking to them for validation or support.

You need to accept that they are not going to support you emotionally or in any other way.

If someone is kicking you, don’t go back for more.

Minimise both contact and expectations. If they ask why you’re never in touch any more, tell them you could not cope with their judgemental attitude.

Aren’t UC absolutely hounding at least one of you to get a job? That’s usually what happens.

No we both get carers allowance so no requirement to work

It’s almost as if not all children with extra needs are the same…

And the Op herself has health needs added to the mix.

That’s good, I know of a friend who was in a difficult situation and absolutely bullied by them. If anyone is nasty about your situation then they aren’t worth your time.

If you hounded SS for support (not that you'd get it) to be able to work, that would cost the country more than your payment in benefits. It doesn't make sense to force people who have pre primary/disabled children/are carers etc into work, yet everyone I know 50+ aren't getting jobs that they are experienced and qualified to do. We've got our thinking about work, backwards. I can remember the stress of working when mine were young, one autistic. Yet here I am desperately looking for work at 55. If the jobs on offer were 30+ hours, living wage, then it would make sense to criticise, but we are allowing employers to offer shit jobs and shit wages and prop up those billion£ companies via our benefit system. You'd have to be thick to criticise anyone who is a carer because they have to rely on benefits. OP as said, distance yourself as much as possible.

Ignore the judgemental aholes. X

People are so awful family or not just cut them off I would!!

My friend is a single parent she works 3 days a week (22.5hrs) but has 3 kids one a toddler and 2 in school.

Both in school are autistic with adhd, one has severe OCD and the other one is partially sighted and they both struggle with wraparound care and she feels her toddler might be the same.

Her ex is hopeless and took a job abroad to avoid having to do anything he'd never shown any interest in this before they separated. He's also intermittent with maintainance!

She's a teacher and feels loathed to give up her job because she loves it and has trained hard for it but she said that it's a constant juggling act even with 2 at school with constant appointments. Her mum and sister thankfully help her and I do too.

We went on "entitled too" and she would be better off on benefits by about £300 a month but is hanging on in there but I can totally see why this is a better option for some people.

People have to remember no 2 people's situations are the same and what works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another.

Do what you think best and tell them to go away ❤️

Your situation is exactly the reason we pay taxes, in my opinion, and exactly the person the money should be going to. People who are struggling with taking care of family members, children, adults, elderly, with medical issues, that’s exactly who should get the help. I can relate to the no sleep when you are caring for someone who is having life and death health issues and you have to keep watch. It is a full time and exhausting job.

Do not listen to anyone who tells you to ‘earn your keep’. You are already doing that!! By taking care of high medical needs children. It is a sacrifice of love and you and your dh are good examples for us all.

It would cost society a lot more if your kids went to residential or foster care because you couldn’t cope. Forget what other people say. They are not living your life you are.

You can bash down social services door but you won't get anywhere.

And sometimes even if they try and help they can’t.

we’ve got a budget for respite for our DD. There is simply no-one available through them to do it.

We even went down the route of offering more money privately and still there was no-one. Not even for £100 an hour.

Do you really think the op didn't try that or that maybe her circumstances are different to yours?

You do what you need to do op. Take no notice of others. Explain once and if they don't get it don't bother again. As for no help or support from family sadly this is very common. I had the same treatment when I got divorced was working partime and receiving tax credits, my exh did next to nothing in the way of childcare. I just learnt to lower my expectations and grow a thick skin. Concentrate on keeping the balance in your family unit that is the must important thing at the moment.