School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

[AIBRU]

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

I wouldn't expect them to 'put their big girl pants on' when it came to dealing with MY child's allergy. If they're uncomfortable then it's in my child's best interests anyway.
It's crap, but it's part of it.

I'm not sure where being female comes into this, did I skip over that?
My child has a food allergy. Ive been in this situation op is. And I totally get it from the party parents view.

My DC had 2 kids with numerous allergies at their party, I did the food. I did a quick text to the parents asking for suggestions of easily purchased supermarket party food that was ok for them and they stayed to help supervise food. One offered to bring a packed lunch. Sorry your DC has missed out , those parents sound lazy tbh.

And I totally get it from the party parents view.

I get it too. Inviting my youngest would be a terrifying prospect for many. So I do get it.

making the OP’s child obviously the only one not invited is utterly shit behaviour though.

Kids with disabilities are going to be excluded. I have long since accepted that with mine. I’ll fight it where it’s important and ignore it wheres its not.

I heavily judge a parent who allows her DC to invite all the boys except the disabled one, or all the girls except the disabled one. That is very judge-worthy behaviour imo.

the fact that you have taken the time and energy to KNOW that all other children of the same gender have been invited tells me that you are over invested in children's birthday parties to a quite extraordinary degree

The OP probably hasn't taken the time and trouble to find out who has been invited @Nimbostratus100. I used to collect DD from primary school and you don't need to be a detective to know things like this.

That said, DD was never excluded from class parties (thank goodness).

I'm shocked that far too many people can't be bothered to educate themselves about allergies. It isn't difficult to know that a child can't eat egg or dairy, for example, or to make sure they don't eat foods containing them. and as the OP said that she would be staying I really can't see the problem.

My niece is a nut allergic vegan. I don't not invite her because of this. I use google to find recipes that make delicious meals that she can eat.

The party host doesn't sound very nice to exclude just one child, and anyone who thinks this is OK needs to ake a long hard look at themselves.

Class!

It is not ok to exclude a child in my book. Says a lot about the parents.

I'm going to direct posters to my updates now because there are judgements being made without them being read.

I liked the mum before, there is no huge back story, my daughter is not bullying hers, that I do know.

As I said, fine for no invite normally but not happy for one child to be excluded. Even if another parent did it to someone else, I'd take issue with it. Added reason of allergies which we had discussed makes it worse.

I won't be saying a thing unless she wants to discuss it but of course I'll remember and keep my distance.

I feel for you @AIBRU
Quite a few of the posters on here seem to be completely lacking in social awareness

I have narcolepsy this is hilarious the general public do seem to think that you just fall over and pass out. Some people do but it's incredibly incredibly rare I don't know any narcoleptics who do that.

I once sent invites into school and one child did not receive theirs. I didn’t realise until after the party and felt awful and went out and bought her a present. Her mum had messaged me to ask if the girls in the class had been invited and I replied ‘yes’ I didn’t realise that her DD hadn’t got her invite. I wish she had called me. Maybe something similar??

No, I wouldn’t offer to look after your son for the day, unless we were close and it was appropriate.

But I wouldn’t exclude your son from a birthday party that all his class were invited to. Especially in a situation where you (like the other parents) were able to stay to help manage the situation, and where his needs could be accommodated because you’d actually been to the venue recently and had them accommodated.

Excluding people because they have health needs, with no attempt to meet those needs in reasonable ways (in this case with zero effort on the part of the other mother as the venue covered the catering) is ableist.

Exactly this. I refused to let my DS leave one boy out because he didn’t like him. Fair enough if he’d been nasty to DS but that wasn’t the case. It is cruel to leave one or two out - bloody awful of parents to allow that. How the hell are parents bringing their DC up if they think doing this fine?

And re allergies - just talk to the parent and if you’re nervous ask if the parent can stay - don’t exclude the child. My DS had a friend with type 1 diabetes - few families would invite her back for a play date even though the mum was happy to come and sort out the insulin part way through. She was so upset that people were leaving her DD out like that.

I am hoping this happened to my DD yesterday with all the other girls that she plays with being invited and not her. If it wasn't an accident then it is a shitty thing to do especially with us accidentally stumbling on the party. I suspect the parents let their daughter choose who she wanted. It must have been obvious mine wasn't mentioned. I would probably have made sure my DD left out no one.

I genuinely felt awful as I had actually sat with the class photo to make sure nobody was missed! If it’s deliberate that would be horrid.

Awful behaviour on her part.

I hope your daughter is ok.

It never fails to amaze me how unkind some parents can be around the issue of parties.

We haven't been on the receiving end of it, but I have definitely heard stories from my children that definitely made me judge the parents involved.

I did a hard swerve on a couple of mothers and as the years went on I was very happy I did.

Nice people don't exclude one child.

Very reasonable to ask a parent to hang around for the party and be eyes on their own child if there is a risk, being honest that you might be nervous when looking after so many.

To unilaterally exclude the child for that reason, is just awful.

OP, this is a heads up on who she is, believe her.

My daughter is in Primary 3 and there is a wee boy in her class who has some kind of SN. I don’t know many details about it but I do know that he is often throwing chairs around the classroom, biting teachers etc.

In the interests of inclusion he has been invited to whole class parties at soft play etc. unfortunately his parents refuse to stay, on the basis (apparently) that no one else is staying and “it’ll single him out”. He causes absolute havoc every single time.

I’ve decided to have a girls only party for my daughter this year and he is the reason, to be honest.

Apologies I seem to have quoted the wrong post

Weirdly I was going to say my girl would mainly invite boys if she had a party even though she plays with the girl whose party she didn't get an invite for and other girls. She just loves to play football or play "tag". Her best friend is a boy.

@FattyFattyToadboy I was a bit confused for a second. 🤣

both my kids have NUT allergies, they have never not been invited to parties because of this, its basically go with Epipens and avoid foods that we cant eat. I always offered to provide a lunch box if necessary, most of the time this was not required, no Drama at all. I wonder if the kids have fallen out perhaps ?

Really feel for your DD @AIBRU Leaving your DD out is not nice, fair or clever.
Our DD has an allergy and Queen Bee mum decided it was too much to deal with, but of course we had to manage her DC’s preferences. As she was Queen Bee gradually other families followed suit. By KS2 cakes and treats would be sent into class to share every week and never suitable for DD, always left out. School wouldn’t do anything about it. Thankfully we moved for High School. The DD flourished an we saw how this low level bullying had effected her.
if this mum has influence please think about starting discussions now to avoid other families being unfairly scared away from managing allergies. I now wish we’d gone in early with a forthright ‘This is what to do re food’ list instead of letting the mum in our situation work on everyone’s fears.

Our DD has an allergy and Queen Bee mum decided it was too much to deal with

Why is it that Queen bees lack the intellignece to deal with stuff like this?

What makes you think it's anything to do with the allergy?

You don’t get to pick which parties your children are invited to - your child is not entitled to an invitation.

additionally - you’ve no idea why your child wasn’t picked.m to go. Perhaps the birthday child simp didn’t want them there

So you don't think it is rude to deliberately leave one child out?