School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

[AIBRU]

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

I simply couldn't afford (both financially and mentally) to accommodate such risk and responsibility

but the OP's dc's allergy isn't life-threatening and they don't even need to carry an Epipen around. So where's the risk and responsibility? Especially if a parent stays.

You don’t get allergy training when you get diagnosed 🤣you get told to avoid the allergen through the medium of reading labels on food.

Oh to live in your world!

Some very selfish and weak people on this thread with talk of 'mental load' and 'it's too stressful'.

Who cares if it's an inconvenience just suck it up and do the right thing by the child fgs.

I think that’s a slightly different situation. Even in that scenario though I’m not sure I would have excluded just one child. Purely because in my experience of bullying it’s rarely just one child acting completely independently. There’s usually a ringleader/queen bee/chief bully and then a group that laugh along and encourage it, but often don’t directly partake and are usually ok when the ringleader isn’t present. I wouldn’t have invited any of them either. But I appreciate that that’s highly dependent on the situation. And a tangent.

In any case as the parent of a child who’s been bullied you must be aware that deliberate exclusion IS a form of bullying and a highly damaging one? Which was my original point.

So DC goes to the party and eats something that causes a reaction. Party Mum is busy - there are 20 kids to watch and cakes or entertainment to sort. Reaction could be anything from a rash or upset tummy to something much more severe. Do we think allergic child's mother would say - "Oh, no worries, these things happen - we always knew that this was a possibility". Or do we think she'd be onto the No Win, No Fee lawyers and practising her Daily Mail sad face and saying "But everyone knew about DC's allergies - it was common knowledge in the playground and I'd made PartyMum aware".

I wouldn't in a million years risk that. (With my close friends' kids who I knew I could trust, of course, but not in this situation).

I'd rather live in my world than one where you think comparing choosing to be vegetarian to having allergies is OK 😂
And exactly. You get diagnosed and don't get training, but it becomes second nature. You get a quick couple of minutes demo with an epi pen.
You know who else doesn't get training? Everyone, including those who may host kids parties in the future. If the mum of the birthday kid isn't comfortable dealing with the allergies, then so be it. That's life.

Well given this update and the fact that you say the children are friends it appears that the mum has a problem with you.
You clearly don’t like her and it appears the feeling is mutual.

So the obvious answer is to issue an invite but ask the parent to stay rather than drop and run.

I'm confused at how you came to the conclusion I didn't like her? Of course I now don't like someone in these circumstances, what an odd thing to say. I thought she was alright before.

It's quite evident from how you write that you can't abide the woman.

And if you don't think that, it's certainly how you come across.

So perhaps the reason she doesn't want DS (and then you as a result) at the party is this?

This thread is eye-opening. Shocking how many ableist posters are totally comfortable excluding a child with health issues. Sad to think they will probably raise their children with the same ableist values.

I can’t see anything in OP’s posts that hints that she didn’t like this woman.

OP is honest about the fact that this woman has ‘gone down in my books’ AFTER this incident.

I think if I were her, I'd have apologised and said something if I didn't feel comfortable but as the parents are staying for the party, I'm not sure why that conversation is necessary as she wouldn't be responsible for my DC.

Either way, I've chalked it up to simple ill intention. She could just be cruel enough just to exclude my DC or it could be excluding my DC due to allergies that the venue is perfectly able to accommodate. Again, it is not due to numbers as more invites were extended later.

I agree with you @ChristmasSirens

Yes, and also attempting to excuse the ableist mum by turning it around on OP and saying she must be the problem because ‘you clearly don’t like her’ or ‘you can’t abide the woman’.

I’m not shocked by how many are ableist. It’s so much more prevalent than people realise.

I am shocked by how many are openly so and wouldn’t even bother to make it hidden.

One mum told me, after a long time and once she’d got to know us realised DD2’s narcolepsy wasn’t as scary as she thought and was apologising, that she’d only allowed her DD to invite 10 of the 15 girls in their class so that DD could be discreetly excluded.

The ones who’d openly allow just a child with a disability or health need to be excluded is quite staggering.

I dont think it's ableist to suggest the other mum may be scared or uncomfortable with the responsibility.

You are absolutely right. Ableism is rampant, I’d just not expected people to be so open about it.

It’s ableism to exclude a child with health issues that can reasonably be accommodated.

The venue could accommodate the need. The excluded child’s mother would have been present the whole time. People can be uncomfortable, of course they can. It’s laziness at absolute best to not even bother, and the laziness is rooted in ableism.

@ChristmasSirens but if the host is fretting over it, then they have every right. I've always been very understanding of people who've felt this way.

That said, that's assuming it is the allergy that's the issue. Op has said there's a chunk of the story missing.

The host should put her big girl pants on and realise her discomfort around children with medical conditions isn't a good enough reason to exclude them. Allergy kids know they are different. They shouldn't have to deal with adults discriminating against them in addition to all the other stuff they have to deal with.

The host could at least have a bit of consideration for the child and not allow her child to invite everyone else.

It’s bad enough that the child is, inevitably, going to be excluded by some people because of it. People could at least shield them a little by not making it so blatant.

Not to mention the lesson that they are teaching their own child by saying that it’s ok to leave someone out for a health or disability reason.

And of course it's not ableist!
Would all of you happily look after my autistic son for the day? Or take my mother with severe dementia out for the afternoon? Of course not - it would be stupid and risky for both parties. Not ableist at all.

100% this!

Exactly, we don’t get training, we have to read labels. You can read labels. It’s not ok to be useless because you’ve got a vagina you have to be capable.

It’s not ok to be useless just because we’re female. What if your grandkids have allergies, are you just never going to host them or are you going to read a label on a food product?