School mum hasn't invited DC due to food allergy

[AIBRU]

DC has food allergies. There's a school mum I'd spoken to about this before as she was curious.

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies. I explained that we never expect people to cater to it and always make sure we bring alternatives. When she mentioned again "still, it must be so tough", I said it wasn't. It isn't at all, DC has now been to loads of parties and DC has never had to eat the food we've taken with.

DC is the only child of their gender not invited to the party, which now turns out to be in a party venue (another parent told me this). We have never had a party venue charge more or say they could not cater for DC. We've never even been to a restaurant who could not cater for DC.

I'm annoyed, not necessarily that my child is the only one who's not going (although it's a bit of a shitty thing to do) but that they've clearly used this as an excuse.

AIBU?

Ridiculous if that’s the reason.
DS was friendly with a physically disabled classmate in year 5 - the mum stayed at the party with them - it was fine. The mum wasn’t a particular friend of mine but I made her welcome (it was at my house), there’s always ways around things.
No-one us happy being the mum of an only child not invited whether it’s all girls, all boys or ‘whole class’ or of a so/callled friendship group.

One child makes your child’s life miserable. Do you invite them or not?

What the hell has that to do with the thread??

What if the venue can’t accommodate everyone and you have to leave one out

Or this??

I’m on a roll with examples today 🙄
ones that were actually anything to do with the OP's post would be good, not random ones that don't mean anything.

That sounds tough OP.

I sort of get it. DS10 has a best friend who has multiple serious allergies. We have had him here and at parties but I'm ALWAYS on the edge worrying about cross contamination etc. His Mum usually provides food and I try and get an allergy friendly treat in for him but as I'm not used to navigating this stuff I do find it quite stressful. If anything happened to him whilst he was in my care I would be devastated.

Exactly this.

Sorry OP but just because it's no big deal in your eyes, doesn't mean she thinks the same. It's her child's birthday and she wants to enjoy that, plus there's already the stress of all the other children there. You are not entitled to tell her it's nothing for her to worry about, because you've lived with dealing with it for years and it's no biggie to you. She doesn't want the added mental load, and you're just not getting that however much you insist there isn't because you'd do this, that and the other, that to her, there IS.

The other option is there's another reason your child hasn't been invited. Maybe there's been a problem in class you're not aware of.

You've also decided that some of the children going are somehow less eligible then your son would be. You don't know her situation and it's not your place to decide this.

Maybe she doesn't want the added mental load. Maybe the children have had a falling out. Maybe it's not everyone in the class invited (how would you know this? the grapevine? DS telling you?) have you gone round asking every single parent if their child received an invite?

She doesn't sound like a crazy woman, so there's a reason he's not been invited. You don't have to agree with it, but that doesn't make her bad or wrong.

DS had a whole class party for his 10th birthday.

One boy had food allergies. His mum sent me a text asking if I minded if she contacted the venue beforehand, regarding the food etc, I didn’t mind. The boys DF stayed with him during the party and all was good.

I wouldn’t have liked the responsibility of him being there by himself though.

Of course deliberate exclusion of one person is bullying. I’m amazed anyone finds this a novel idea - it’s not as though it’s that different for adults. Inviting everyone in the office out for lunch/drinks and deliberately excluding one person is workplace bullying. And as for deliberately excluding them because they’ve got a health condition - well, that’ll get you dragged in front of HR sharpish.

That’s why I won’t ever tolerate my DC inviting every child except for one to a party. Small group or whole class. Those are the choices. Because the whole point of parenting is to raise decent, principled adults.

Restaurants manage to cope with allergy sufferers. It’s not a big deal.

If someone’s vegetarian you’d accommodate that and that’s a lifestyle choice.

Basically, it seems that a lot of people just CBA to accommodate other people's needs.

The Mother had told the OP that her child had a birthday coming up - see below

She had told me her DC had a birthday coming up and that she didn't know how to navigate the food allergies.

It wouldn't have been unreasonable to assume that she was giving the OP the heads up about the party. Also, the allergies are not life threateneing.

Imagine someone writing a response, just to show how ridiculous your initial comment was.

Imagine that flying spectacularly over your head..

I think its fair enough not to want to accommodate another child's needs in your own home. So many opportunities to be blamed if something goes wrong, its a big responsibility. The fact she raised it already means its likely that she is anxious about it

Also there is no guarantee that he is the ONLY boy not invited, theres no way of knowing that.

Most parents stick around. Many just sit on their phones and say hi, bye and maybe a brief chat. It's a bit isolated so going out of your way, leaving and coming back doesn't always make sense.

Allergies do not require an epi pen and are not fatal.

The kids are friends and have been chatting after school. No issues evident.

I know all other children of the same gender are invited.

It is not about spaces and I can't say specifically why but let's just say school mum was inviting extra people that were not invited initially. I've realised she's not spoken to me since the invites went out.

No, I'm not 100% it is due to allergies but she had set it up to be an issue despite me saying otherwise in the beginning.

The reason people know about DC's allergies is that DC was invited to a majority of parties in the past. Note that I don't say all and I've had no problem with this. I don't give two hoots if DC is invited to all parties but the circumstances around this make it a dick move.

We deliberately excluded the boy who had been bullying DS from his party.

Not the whole class was invited. About 5 girls, but all of the boys, except the bully.

And frankly, you can feck off with the notion that we, as parents, were bullies for not inviting the child who had, for example, spat at DS approximately 3 days prior.

Would absolutely take that stance again. Other boys that were friends with DS should not have been excluded, in order to put forward more acceptable numbers to placate a bully's feelings.

We only know from OP that the child is "very fond" of her DS. In our case, when having a meeting with the head, and the bully's parents, despite teachers first hand witnessing the things this child had done, the mother refused to believe it declaring her DS "the sweetest boy in the class" and "great friends" with our DS.

The more you think about it, the allergies aren't even a problem (the boy has never had to eat anything different than what has been given to him at previous parties) so he's not there for "allergy" reasons.

It's either, that the whole class isn't going and OP hasn't actually checked this, or there's a problem with the DS, or a problem with OP.

Except there is a way of knowing that and it's not in their own home either. It's in a place that has accommodated allergies very well in the recent past for my DC.

OP, just wondering, is this private school, with a very small class size?

Or is this state and large class size?

It's totally ridiculous to compare choosing to be vegetarian to an allergy.
Restaurants have training on allergens.

I'm not a "my child is precious" parent, I know the capabilities of my child and how any child can be but I know my child would not have been bullying this child. I have left something out in case school mum were to recognise this thread and it's not entirely relevant but you'll have to take my word for this. If anything, my DC is very much 'let's all get along and not argue'.

They don't stick around. My DD late primary would be horrified if I hung around while she attended a party.

My DD has stopped having parties because of the drama it causes of not inviting everyone . A party now is like at least £15-20 per child for the stuff she wants to do. She has the choice of class party or one or two close friends for a big event and sleepover with lots of presents. She always chooses the two friend thing.

I think that’s a little different. It’s fair enough not to invite your child’s tormentor to their birthday party where you want them to experience joy.

I would expect to be approached by their parents where I would calmly & unapologetically explain.

They do.

I'm sorry if in your reading of this thread you've made assumptions but I haven't mentioned my DC's age.

I was answering another poster not you op. That's fair enough I don't know how old your DC is but DC approaching secondary age generally don't appreciate helicopter parenting.

Mind you just found out mine wasn't invited to a party but all the girls she plays with were. I wont say anything but it is a bit bemusing. Only found out as we were at the venue they were having it at. It probably is fairly common to leave kids out.

Not easy explaining to a 5 year old that they aren't invited. Too early for all this drama!

Or don't have the party. It isn't a nessesity.

Completely agree with @musingsinmidlife and @TwinsAndTiramisu I simply couldn't afford (both financially and mentally) to accommodate such risk and responsibility. If the party is at a venue and they can cater for different food requirements for no or very low extra charge then sure, no problem. Otherwise I simply can't afford it. You honestly can't expect people to organise their (!) party around your (!) child. Unless we're talking about private schools and parents with no financial constraints.