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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Avoiding an aquintance's holiday brags without coming off as a jealous hag

135 replies

AltyDalty · 24/03/2023 05:37

Someone I know and see regularly on (group setting, we are not technically friends but frequent exchange of polite conversations) is a very well-to-do woman, living in a very nice house, expensive fashions and takes holidays abroad regularly (I mean like 5 times a year at least!). It's really doing my head in and for the sake of my mental wellness I muted/hid her profiles on social media. I get the usual advice that I shouldn't be envious, social media is not real and only displays curated version of her life bla bla... but everytime I see her living her best life I get pang of jealousy and puts me in a rotten mood all day. Now I'm not alone in this, someone else within the group also feels the same and we do often talk smack about her in private. I don't know if there are more others around feels the same but I suspect.

Yesterday out of curiosity I checked on her profile and she completed her climb to Mera Peak in Nepal which as she wrote one of her biggest dream, the post got so many responses (but I do notice only 1 or two people we mutually befriend reacted). When she returns to the country, AIBU if I don't congratulate her and pretend that I don't know about her milestone travel? If she brings that up my plan is to respond very minimally like "uhm ok" as I just can't fake it. I'm not happy for her.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 24/03/2023 07:10

I think you need to manage your social media better if it is making you so unhappy. I think the way others use it doesnt suit you so maybe step away.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 24/03/2023 07:11

@AltyDalty if she's just an acquaintance and your jealousy is triggered by what she posts on SM, I'd suggest unfriending/blocking her. Make it easier to avoid her. If you feel she's bragging to you in real life then it's more difficult, but you could mention how hard you're finding things financially and hope she's sensitive enough not to mention her spending.

Also, look at your own life and try and make is as content as possible. Then you'll be less bothered about what other people are doing. What's your situation?

SunshineAndMonsteras · 24/03/2023 07:11

AltyDalty · 24/03/2023 06:04

I know this is more of a me problem than a her problem, but I also feels that it is so tone deaf to live that kind of lifestyle when so many people are suffering, also nonchalantly shoving it unto our face when she knows we (the people she know) can't afford that life.

Fuck me.

No it isn't. The only person shoving it into your face is you.

I make under average wage and have 3 foreign holidays a year. Not everyone is destitute and not everyone doing noce things is super rich

Rockingcloggs · 24/03/2023 07:12

Would you prefer her to be down on her luck? Homeless? Miserable?

Is she supposed to never ever mention her life in any way in case it upsets other people? Her lifestyle is as 'valid' as yours is and I'm not sure why her fortune affects anyone else.

usernother · 24/03/2023 07:14

I think you'd be doing her a favour if you removed her from your social media. You don't sound very nice OP.

Aussiegirl123456 · 24/03/2023 07:14

Oh dear.
You are jealous and bitter. Nothing good will come or that.

SunshineAndMonsteras · 24/03/2023 07:16

I can see why op namechangeng for this

Fizbosshoes · 24/03/2023 07:16

I am friends with a school mum who goes away every school holidays (Disney, skiing, Greece etc) a couple of times we've chatted as school holidays were coming up. One time they were going away for Easter, and asked what I was doing. We couldn't afford to go away but I didn't say so, I just said I was working and trying to sort out some days off and holiday clubs for DC. She said lucky me that I wouldn't have the stress of packing or jet lag!!

follyfoot37 · 24/03/2023 07:17

I can't really afford a holiday either, so doing a working holiday down a coal pit
Photos to follow.
Will @ you @AltyDalty

ladydimitrescu · 24/03/2023 07:17

You are jealous and bitter. Actively seeking her posts out to bitch about with your friend is so immature. Honestly, grow up. She's done nothing wrong at all. You cannot expect others not to enjoy themselves because it might upset you.

Tellyaddict123 · 24/03/2023 07:19

She doesn’t sound like she’s doing anything wrong, it’s all on you. If she isn’t your friend delete her from social media.

Not sure why someone enjoying their life is making you feel bad, I hope you feel the same about loads of people, why is it a race to the bottom for you?

MyMNprofile · 24/03/2023 07:22

You sound like you think the only point of social media is to try and make others jealous of your lifestyle.

CantFindTheBeat · 24/03/2023 07:23

From your post, I feel quite worried for this woman.

The level of hate you have for her, that she is oblivious to, is actually quite scary.

Perhaps focus on finding happiness in your own life and stop directing your hatred toward a relative stranger?

Beezknees · 24/03/2023 07:26

I'm poor (a single mum in a council flat getting UC to top up my shit wage) and I think you're being ridiculous.

user1492757084 · 24/03/2023 07:26

You are jealous.
It seems you are also unable to find anything wonderous to do that doesn't mean travel or expense.
Find a beautiful vista, tree, lawn, pool and immerse your soul in the beauty like a holiday. Stare at the sky, listen to lovely music etc.
Visit galleries, photograph flowers, brush horses or whatever.
Not everyone can afford to holiday abroad but you should be able to enjoy simple pleasures and rejoice in your existance.
If you can not stop bemoaning another's good fortune then stop pretending to be friends.

Lamelie · 24/03/2023 07:29

AltyDalty · 24/03/2023 06:04

I know this is more of a me problem than a her problem, but I also feels that it is so tone deaf to live that kind of lifestyle when so many people are suffering, also nonchalantly shoving it unto our face when she knows we (the people she know) can't afford that life.

This is a 100% a you problem!
I came in to sympathise thinking it was going to be similar to my old next door neighbour.
One September back to school we were both in the drive on the first day back to school.
“Good summer?”
”I’ve got to spend a week at home next year, I’m exhausted, we did too much”
Me open mouthed as we’d juggled all summer- separate leave, dcs to clubs and gps…
”You might want to think how that sounds before repeating that!”
Bless her she was so tactless. Moved away and explained so many times how they would have stayed but their identical but extended to our house was too small for their smaller than our family.
@AltyDalty keep her muted on SM/ avoid/ lead the conversation on something else. She’s doing nothing wrong.

YearsOfStagnation · 24/03/2023 07:29

‘Now I'm not alone in this, someone else within the group also feels the same and we do often talk smack about her in private. ‘

Just because she has holidays? How horrid you both are.

I don’t post photos ever and I find selfies truly odd. But posting about the good stuff is a normal part of modern life. You need to stop following her and perhaps try and think what you can do to better your own life.

And despite the holidays you have actually no idea what’s really going on for her emotionally. A photo is just that.

BessieSurtees · 24/03/2023 07:29

You can’t avoid sounding jealous because you are.

You can avoid her holiday pics by staying off her Facebook.

She is not shoving it in your face, she is not bragging, she is posting on her social media.

Why do you holiday in Wales, don’t you know some people can’t afford to eat well, never mind go on holiday?

GeekyThings · 24/03/2023 07:30

Fizbosshoes · 24/03/2023 07:16

I am friends with a school mum who goes away every school holidays (Disney, skiing, Greece etc) a couple of times we've chatted as school holidays were coming up. One time they were going away for Easter, and asked what I was doing. We couldn't afford to go away but I didn't say so, I just said I was working and trying to sort out some days off and holiday clubs for DC. She said lucky me that I wouldn't have the stress of packing or jet lag!!

Now THAT is tone deaf! She sounds like a peach 😂

Thighlengthboots · 24/03/2023 07:30

You are being unreasonable purely because you mentioned muting her and then said you specifically went to her profile to purposely look!! Comparison is the thief of joy. I dont know why you are purposely winding yourself up here and thats 100% on YOU.

Sure, it can sometimes be galling to see this stuff and fleeting envy is natural but whats not natural is to marinate in it and wind yourself up into a bitter state which you clearly are doing by purposely going to look at her profile. Someone on my friends list had a carribean wedding and anyone who looks at her profile would see glamorous shots of a couple in love set against a golden beach. However, he hit her when they went home and she ended up in a woman's shelter. They are now back together posing up a storm but things are clearly not the paradise she portrays. I am not saying your friend is in the same situation but its utter madness to look at social media pics and assume their lives are "perfect".

Step away from encouraging your own envy by looking at this stuff and focus o n the things you can do to improve your own life. Jealously is the fastest road to misery that I know and nothing good will ever come of this.

bellac11 · 24/03/2023 07:37

AltyDalty · 24/03/2023 06:04

I know this is more of a me problem than a her problem, but I also feels that it is so tone deaf to live that kind of lifestyle when so many people are suffering, also nonchalantly shoving it unto our face when she knows we (the people she know) can't afford that life.

God almighty. This is one of the rare occasions I would say 'get some counselling'

Tone deaf to live a lifestyle of ones choosing?

Nonchalantly shoving it in peoples faces? You know you can choose who to read about/look at on SM?

Get on with your life and stop being so consumed with other's lives.

Appleblum · 24/03/2023 07:38

Jealousy is very unattractive.

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/03/2023 07:43

Unfriend her OP, for her sake.

Then go spend a bit of time counting your own blessings and reflecting on the millions of people who have so much less than you do.

Thighlengthboots · 24/03/2023 07:44

Fizbosshoes · 24/03/2023 07:16

I am friends with a school mum who goes away every school holidays (Disney, skiing, Greece etc) a couple of times we've chatted as school holidays were coming up. One time they were going away for Easter, and asked what I was doing. We couldn't afford to go away but I didn't say so, I just said I was working and trying to sort out some days off and holiday clubs for DC. She said lucky me that I wouldn't have the stress of packing or jet lag!!

But thats not remotely comparable is it? This person isnt bragging about it or making snarky comments to others, she is simply posting on social media and those who dont want to look at it dont have to. The OP bitching about her behind her back is the one being rude and nasty here, not the person sharing their life on SM.

By this rationale, people shouldnt post their kids because those who are infertile would be upset, noone should post their car because someone cant afford a car, noone should post about their job because it might upset unemployed people, noone should post about their husband or spouse or wedding because those who have just divorced or split up might feel hurt, noone should post about getting a degree because others might feel hurt they dont have one. Noone should post about their gym goals because there might be some who are physically unable to exercise and its "insensitive". Everyone has something that someone else might be envious of, if you lived life like this you'd literally never talk about anything at all. It speaks volumes that someone is almost wishing someone else's life should be miserable to make their own feel better and thats completely an issue with them and their own self esteem. Life will be very hard and utterly miserable if you constantly compare yourself to others.

THisbackwithavengeance · 24/03/2023 07:49

Are you jealous of Victoria Beckham? Or Pippa Middleton?

Or any untold number of rich, wealthy women who 10 to 1 haven't even earned the money themselves but been born into it or married into it? Look at Katie Price. She's always on holiday.

The world is full of people who have more than you, more money, more possessions, more luck. Equally it's also full of people who could only dream of living your life in the UK.

So why focus all this negative energy on a woman you only have fleeting contact with in the first place? And "talking smack"? My teenagers use that phrase. You mean "bitching"?

This woman may be lucky, maybe she's got a rich husband or generous parents. Or maybe she works very hard for her own money and likes to spend it on holidays? It's her business.

What would stop you going on holiday more OP? Travel doesn't have to be 5* hotels, expensive flights and cruises; it can be done on a budget if you plan it right.

I would be thrilled to chat with her about her travel experiences personally. She sounds interesting.