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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much time should I spend playing with our children?

116 replies

sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 07:25

I'm a SAHM with three under 5. DH has suggested (not in an unpleasant way) that I don't spend enough time playing with the kids but honestly I just find playing with toys utterly boring.
I do very odd bits of arts & crafts, sit with them whilst they colour or use play-clay, I am hopeless at baking, painting is too messy and the role play stuff I just think they can do on their own. I do take them to lots of classes, clubs and plan fun days out but I will admit that when it comes to playing with toys I switch off after 5-10 mins.

AIBU to just think they should be able to play on their own and do the creative stuff at pre-school?

Honest responses - how much time do you spend playing with your children?

OP posts:
TheRookie · 23/03/2023 07:54

I am not the kind of parent who sits on the floor playing Barbies or trains. I encourage, talk about what they're doing, give scenarios but I have too much to be getting on with. I'm lucky my kids are pretty good at playing independently. I have friends whose kids need constant playing, and they never get anything else done.

Marblessolveeverything · 23/03/2023 07:58

I probably played about three hours a day spaced out. I work in education and know how important this is for their brain development.

Children need to have play you mention they have outlets so that will help.

Would you lead them in "tidy up" games etc? That is play also.

ThereItIs1 · 23/03/2023 07:58

Oh god I constantly feel guilty about not playing/ doing enough with my 18 month old! We probably spend an hour a day (total, not all at once) reading books, and then maybe up to another hour/hour and a half playing (again broken up, not at once). We maybe do an activity I've planned (foam play, finger painting, sensory tray etc) a couple times a week as well (hoping this will increase now the weather is improving and we can get outside more). We also go for a walk every day, and I see friends with kids 2-3 times a week so they play with others then. But they also probs watch at least 2 hours of tv a day (usually awake 5.30am-6.30pm) which I feel SO guilty about, but it's the only way I can keep the house clean/ cook meals etc if they're chilling out in front of Bluey or Postman Pat!

Don't beat yourself up, day in day out childcare is HARD and yes, can be so boring!!! It sounds like your kids have a full and happy life, and that's what matters!

reluctantbrit · 23/03/2023 08:01

I do think children at that age needs playing with parents. It is boring to drink pretend tea or change voices for teddies yes, but that's part of having small children. I found often that if I play with DD, she would add things we did together then in her own play. How do they develop ideas otherwise?

We never did lots of crafts at home, I am not bothered about the mess but I am useless with it and while we did the odd things, it was often more prepared kits instead of thinking of things myself.

We played a lot of board games togehter.

Isthisexpected · 23/03/2023 08:02

I think it doesn't matter whether you find playing boring or not, it's typical of under fives to want to play alongside their parent and part of your key responsibilities as a parent, just like feeding and changing them.

It's not just about the play. Playing with them is an opportunity to build their self esteem, enrich their development as people and build a strong foundation. Have you ever read any books on child development? I recommend Phillipa Perry's work. If you're not using play as an opportunity to do these things then I wonder when you are. Taking them to toddler groups etc is great but doesn't do the same thing as what I'm talking about here in terms of their development.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 23/03/2023 08:05

I don't think it has to be dedicated hours. If you did 5-10 mins to get them started then crack on with whatever else you're doing and then join in again for another 5-10 mins. I think you're lucky that you have kids that can play independently!

museumum · 23/03/2023 08:06

I’ve only one child so I sucked ot up and did it.
but you’ve had three in less than five years - well done! That itself surely excused you, they can play together.

DidyouNO · 23/03/2023 08:06

I have four DC and I always struggled. Many may disagree but having one earphone in and listening to a podcast or an audio book at the same time actually kept me going for longer, made me feel like I was also doing something for myself as well and the time spent felt less mind numbing but I could also hear them and interact.

BelindaBears · 23/03/2023 08:08

I have one child and am quite silly tbh so I really don’t mind getting down in the floor and playing teddy picnics or whatever. I wouldn’t want to do it all day every day but on weekends and the mornings and evenings before and after preschool, sure! She’ll age out of wanting to play with me soon enough.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 23/03/2023 08:11

….as much as possible as long as it doesn’t involve bloody Lego..

Mateyduck · 23/03/2023 08:12

I don’t play. I read with them, draw with them and do craft bits and make cakes - that is it for me. I can’t play with toys on the floor, it’s just not me!
it’s ok to have your play limits! Perhaps dh can do that bit.

Redebs · 23/03/2023 08:14

Young children need a lot of attention. You really should be playing and engaging with them a lot of the time they are awake.

Having three children and finding them boring is a bit strange. Maybe watch Bluey yourself for some inspiration for playing together?

Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 08:16

I'm not saying I don't do anything, I've played doctors, hairdressers, ice cream shop and picnics many a time! I will just quite quickly then try to let them crack on with it themselves. Being with them all day everyday certainly makes the days long, I only have one DC doing 15 hours at pre-school so there's a lot of time to fill!

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 08:18

How old are the youngest, I’m assuming they are too young to amuse themselves?

Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 08:22

@toomuchlaundry twins almost 2 and my eldest has just turned 4.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 23/03/2023 08:26

How much does your DH do with them? What is he suggesting you should be doing more of? I’m impressed you get out of the house, I struggled with just one!

Interacting with them is key

HarrietJade · 23/03/2023 08:28

I'd guess around 2 hours daily (broken up into lots of small sessions) of actual focused sit-down play with my 11 month old, plus about 45 mins at some kind of parent & toddler session. About 30 mins daily of craft/imaginative play with 4yo on school days. At weekends and school holidays it's much more as we're together the whole time - a few hours!

I love doing craft stuff though as I studied art and DD1 is particularly into imaginative play, it's just the best way to engage with her. I do think it's important to have an adult to play especially for younger dc, before they're socialising with other dc. I wouldn't employ a nanny who just wanted to do all the practical aspects of childcare but not interested in playing with dc, so if I'm doing that role as a sahm then it's just part of parenting really.

BertieBotts · 23/03/2023 08:31

How much time does DH spend playing with them?

You should interact with them but it doesn't need to be playing. If you're sitting on your phone/computer for the whole day and they are parked in front of the TV (I am sometimes guilty of this) that's not good.

OTOH it's important for you to have some downtime and independent play is important.

What are your hobbies and interests? I like to get DC involved in things I'm doing, so we will paint/colour/glue together as I find this fun. I like making little things for them like doll's house furniture and they make some random junk model.

I like doing puzzles so we do those together. Starting with children's puzzles, my 4yo can help me with adult ones now.

I will play the odd board game because they tend to be short. I quite like seeing how they role play so I'll join in but not all the time as it gets repetitive. I prefer joining in when I have another adult with me.

I like seeing them do "baby science" so I set up various sensory experiments etc for them.

5128gap · 23/03/2023 08:32

Children don't need adults to play with them at all. It's a fairly recent pressure put upon us that in reality will make negligible difference to their development. Its the time, attention and conversation that matters, not the activity underpining it. Pretending to make tea is no more stimulating for the imagination than reading, art or walking in nature. Play to your strengths and give yourself a break.

Butterkistfiend · 23/03/2023 08:33

Oh for goodness sake, I knew the replies from all the helicopter parents would imply you’re damaging your child for life by not partaking in imaginary play with them all day 🙄

Honestly, no wonder so many mothers suffer with anxiety and depression, parenting has been made into such a bloody chore, with no downtime.

OP so long as you’re engaging with them regularly, socialising them regularly and are doing a bit (10 mins perhaps twice a day) of imaginative play with them each day, they will be fine.

Flittingaboutagain · 23/03/2023 08:35

OP so long as you’re engaging with them regularly, socialising them regularly and are doing a bit (10 mins perhaps twice a day) of imaginative play with them each day, they will be fine.

^ do you think you're doing this OP? I see so many mums just on their phones at playgroup I wonder if they're the same at home.

Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 08:45

@BertieBotts @toomuchlaundry

DH does play when he has time, he's quite good at mucking around and doing typical dad games which they love! But he works a lot, very long hours and is often away so I would say that it's much more of a novelty to spend half an hour playing hide and seek a few times a week.

I'm not really sure what my hobbies are anymore which is probably part of the problem! I'm sure I'm not alone in this but often feel a bit lost since having children and giving up work.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 08:46

@Butterkistfiend thank you for this!

@Flittingaboutagain yes I am engaging with them, I am probably guilty of spending too much time on my phone but aren't we all a little these days! I'm certainly not glued to it

OP posts:
BeanyBops · 23/03/2023 08:47

My child is 3 and yet to develop an interest in toys that lasts longer than 2 minutes. Admittedly this could be chicken or egg because I don't play with her with toys at home either! But even as a baby she had no interest when I was desperately waggling teething and baby toys around over the lock downs.

She plays a lot at her grandparents one day per week, she plays 3 days per week at nursery, she has a morning each of play at football and swimming lessons, and the remaining time is playgrounds, outdoors day trips, parks (playing with sticks, walking on walls etc), meet ups with friends, scooter and bike etc. Yes there's a lot of TV in there too.

I can't bring myself to feel too bad about it.

BeanyBops · 23/03/2023 08:49

Oh and of course if she comes up to me and initiates some imaginary play I'll join in for a little while.