How much time should I spend playing with our children?

[sunisbetterthanrain]

I'm a SAHM with three under 5. DH has suggested (not in an unpleasant way) that I don't spend enough time playing with the kids but honestly I just find playing with toys utterly boring.
I do very odd bits of arts & crafts, sit with them whilst they colour or use play-clay, I am hopeless at baking, painting is too messy and the role play stuff I just think they can do on their own. I do take them to lots of classes, clubs and plan fun days out but I will admit that when it comes to playing with toys I switch off after 5-10 mins.

AIBU to just think they should be able to play on their own and do the creative stuff at pre-school?

Honest responses - how much time do you spend playing with your children?

I didn't 'play' a lot with mine when they were younger and I don't now... we do board games and go out on trips and we talk.

It sometimes astonishes me how generation after generation of people has been brought up without parents who have had the time to 'play' with them and yet suddenly it is deemed absolutely necessary.

Anecdotally, it seems to me that children who are sent off more to amuse themselves (and this is much easier if they have a sibling or siblings) become more independent and able to occupy themselves, whereas children whose parents spend a lot of time focusing on them end up with children who are more likely to whine that they are bored. I appreciate this is just my experience amongst my family and social circle, I wonder if it bears out on a wider scale.

I play with DS (3) quite a bit on my days off because he’s currently an only and loves having a play mate. Probably against the mumsnet trend here but I don’t mind building Lego and train sets, I find it quite therapeutic! I’m quite happy playing with his toys in our tiny garden as well. I would be dreadful with make believe play and I’m not looking forward to that stage at all.

Would I play with him so much if he was perfectly happy to play independently or had a sibling to play with? Probably not, to be honest! I’d love a bit more down time.

@VivaVivaa DH and I were known to carry on playing with the Lego or train track long after DS had wandered off to do something else!

When I was a childminder I found breaking the day up into specific play times really helpful for both the kids who generally all love a routine, to ensure a good range of play/learning (bear in mind. This was my job so not suggesting this level of detail as a parent!) & to keep me sane amongst multiple toddlers might be worth trying something similar but it is ok to let them play on their own but I do think they need some guidance and play with a parent/carer. Typical childminder day:

Back from school run free play but get out just a few specific toys rather than let them at everything! I used toy boxes rotated each day. Get them set up then let them free play. Eg box of Happyland, dinosaurs, cars, knex, etc depending on age.

Before lunch some sort of table craft/activity. Hama / water beads, painting, print out pictures to colour, sticker books etc. get aprons, a plastic table cloth and paper plates and painting is a lot easier to contain and clear up.

After lunch stories & songs then some time playing together - things like teddy bear picnic still traumatised by the child that made me do this every day for about 18 months dressing up,den building, role play etc.

Always get outdoors regardless of the weather and make sure you're seeing another adult at least twice a week!

Yup another lego fiend here. But fuck me the train set I would happily chuck out the window!

I think there's confusion on this thread between play and interaction. I hate "playing" and never did much of it. But I was always interacting and facilitating play/crafts/activities for my DC.

As a pp said, I don't think that through most of history parents have got down on the floor and played with toddlers for hours on end, have they?

Couldn't agree more.
Its really concerning to me, the ever increasing pressure parents are put under. Some studies show that something can have some benefits for some children in some circumstances, and before we know it, such thing stops being a potentially beneficial added extra, and becomes a NEED.
Do people seriously think all the adults whose whose parents didn't play with them as children (whole generations of us) lack imagination and interpersonal skills, never reached our full potential and have poorer outcomes?

😂 I regularly find myself picking at the Lego long after DS has gone to bed when I’m in front of the TV!

I think the key is to interact lots and show a genuine interest.
I use to set them up with an activity while I was prepping dinner or something and chat about what they were doing. Get them to help with little jobs in the garden etc. I always read with them everyday.

I would sit down and play but not everyday.

I'm exactly the same as you OP, but at least in your case they have each other to play with. Do they happily get on with playing together? If so I don't really see the issue.

It's so hard when you're with the kids all day OP. Even play that you do doesn't feel enough, the kids always want more!

I've found that if I set aside fifteen mins a day, early doors, that is really focused on play, it makes me feel less guilty later in the day when I CBA and gently encourage DS to play alone/ watch TV.

Probs not the greatest parenting, but as an adult I stand by my right not to enjoy endless playing- it doesn't mean I love my kid less, just that I'm a grown up with different interests. If I do a 'slot' of playing a day, I feel like this is enough.

The relentless expectation not only to play with your kids all the time, but to really enjoy it too is crippling. I'm 35, of course I don't want to be making playdoh for hours. Do a bit of it because it's part of the job of parenting, but cut yourself some slack.

I appreciate our parents may not have spent hours playing. However my childhood there was an abundance of older children, family and friends who would "play" to avoid been assigned a chore!😂

I definitely remember my mum playing with me 45 years ago. Shopping, tea parties, board games, puzzles, painting.

Maybe not the whole time but she played at the beginning and then helped how to continue to play on my own/with other children.

It is good for children to learn to play on their own, lots of imagination comes from doing things without further input from adults. But also children learn from adults, sharing, proper use of things like scissors, problem solving, learning about social interaction. That does not come from playing alone naturally.

@aSofaNearYou they're playing together more and more which is great!

In all honesty I don't have loads of memories of my parents playing with me as a child but I had a wonderful childhood and 2 siblings.

I'm very grateful to hear that I'm not the only one who doesn't particularly enjoy it! It can often feel like everyone is doing all sorts of fun activities when you look at social media and then feel like a terrible parent! I'll make sure I'm putting some dedicated time to play a few times a day and facilitate them playing with each other around that. I do think it's really important to encourage them to use their imaginations and play independently rather than needing parental input for everything.

How much time does he spend playing with them?

I wouldnt be taking parenting criticism from someone who works long hours/works away so cba actually parenting

I took mine out a lot.

Played occasionally but not that often. Did occasional crafts etc. Read every night

Encouraged them to play independently and together but no. I didn't spend hours playing with them and dont think anyone should

I don't remember playing with my parents either. I remember playing things like ball games with them, but I spent most of my time playing with toys with my sister. Perfectly normal to me!

hones cannot get over the poster saying you should be spending most of your day playing with them ! I have only once know a parent to do this and she was so focused on her dc that it was actually negative for his development and ended in divorce.

It’s not realistic to be constantly entertaining dc. No wonder so many mums are depressed.

When I grew up parents very rarely played with dc and we all still turned out ok.

As long as your not ignoring them all day or sitting them on screens all day they will be fine.

I have read that it’s less important to spend hours playing with dc and more important to give them a shorter burst of undivided attention. It’s impossible for anyone to give their dc hours of undivided attention every day and your dc will sense your bored trust me.

I played loads and loads with my first born, less with my second born (because he was playing with first and I was busier) and less again with my third. They do absolutely love it when DH or I properly play with them, though. I remember during the first lockdown, the older two were 4 and 6, and we had this very long running game of Sylvanians which came out every day when the youngest was napping (he would’ve destroyed it!). They were always so excited about that. Now the older ones mostly want to build Lego or play board games and I really enjoy that too. Imaginative play can be hard work for adults - it’s not natural for us in the same way it is for kids.

But one good piece of advice I got was to remember that play is no fun for anyone if one person isn’t enjoying it. Better you spend 10 minutes playing in a fully engaged way than an hour when you’re constantly wandering off to do a job, check your phone, etc.

Gosh I hate playing with mine aswell 🙈. I probably do about 90 mins a day spaced out. He is almost 4 so its a lot of role play and pretending with various action figures/dinosaurs/cars. We go out everyday aswell though whether thats soft play, parks, involving him in shopping or going to a friends house. It is important to play with them but I get its mind numbing.

Op you should have known this is MN. You must completely devote yourself to your dc, make sure you are playing with them every hour, working on their development with creative ways, feeding home cooked meals with ingredients you grew in your allotment, make their clothes from organic materials, your home must be guest ready at all times, don’t forget to also make time for your relationship and of course your mil, but you must also make sure you are only doing exactly 50% of all chores and mental load and taking regular spa days and overnights in a hotel with wine, also you should be a Sahm as you had dc so you should no expect anyone to raise them for you including a nursery, but also put them in nursery for their development, but also you must have a high flying career and solid pension and a running away fund, don’t forget to have a hobby and keep a social life going, but make sure your back at 9pm as don’t forget your a parent now, join the pta and run the bake sale while your at it but don’t expect any help with dc from family as they have done their time, but also allow unsupervised overnights with family otherwise it’s selfish. And one last thing make sure you smile the whole time so your dc see you as the role model they need and deserve.

Don't feel guilty.
I'm totally addicted to my phone.

When my child asks me to play (usually roleplay dolls) I've done it, and the delight on her face when I make jokes and things, it's etched in my memory.

in theory I say play with them as much as possible, including as much as you can bear, as a rule. You don't get the time back and it's a balance of 'if I play a little bit I won't feel guilty and will remember it forever'

But in reality you're going to be mentally and physically drained by having three children and then you're expected to play with baby toys for an hour or so? You can let yourself off for not wanting to and not being able to bear to.

Think of what you can do. So for me I can do Lego building as this was my toy of choice as a child and I can impress my child with the things I can build.

You could have a real look at what games or toys you can bear, even enjoy, then have them on hand to suggest to the children.

Get a big messy matt and some crafts and give them a challenge then just clean up when they're done.

As for what your husband said, sorry but it's not on. You're a stay at home mum, great, but then he's coming into your role to criticise? I hope that doesn't continue exponentially :( He should be grateful for your contribution which is invaluable to the family, not telling you to do better.

Sorry forgot to mention you must take them to eat at fine dining restaurants from birth so they learn etiquette and are able to sit without a murmur, but don’t even think about using a screen in public, but also you must not take them to dinner incase an adult happens to see them as dc should not be seen in restaurants. Hope that helps

You have three kids... surely the joy is they play with each other so you don't have to.