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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much time should I spend playing with our children?

116 replies

sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 07:25

I'm a SAHM with three under 5. DH has suggested (not in an unpleasant way) that I don't spend enough time playing with the kids but honestly I just find playing with toys utterly boring.
I do very odd bits of arts & crafts, sit with them whilst they colour or use play-clay, I am hopeless at baking, painting is too messy and the role play stuff I just think they can do on their own. I do take them to lots of classes, clubs and plan fun days out but I will admit that when it comes to playing with toys I switch off after 5-10 mins.

AIBU to just think they should be able to play on their own and do the creative stuff at pre-school?

Honest responses - how much time do you spend playing with your children?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 15:23

@happysingleversary

I like the "as much as I can bear" rule! :)

I think DH regretted the comment when I reacted quite defensively and he did apologise / accept that it's different when I'm with them all day everyday rather than an hour or so a few mornings and evenings a week plus weekends. One of those flyaway comments that has resonated a bit and left me questioning if I do spend enough time playing but having read lots of responses I think I'm doing okay!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 15:23

@Bookworms77 this did give me a laugh!

OP posts:
riotlady · 23/03/2023 15:25

Bookworms77 · 23/03/2023 14:09

Op you should have known this is MN. You must completely devote yourself to your dc, make sure you are playing with them every hour, working on their development with creative ways, feeding home cooked meals with ingredients you grew in your allotment, make their clothes from organic materials, your home must be guest ready at all times, don’t forget to also make time for your relationship and of course your mil, but you must also make sure you are only doing exactly 50% of all chores and mental load and taking regular spa days and overnights in a hotel with wine, also you should be a Sahm as you had dc so you should no expect anyone to raise them for you including a nursery, but also put them in nursery for their development, but also you must have a high flying career and solid pension and a running away fund, don’t forget to have a hobby and keep a social life going, but make sure your back at 9pm as don’t forget your a parent now, join the pta and run the bake sale while your at it but don’t expect any help with dc from family as they have done their time, but also allow unsupervised overnights with family otherwise it’s selfish. And one last thing make sure you smile the whole time so your dc see you as the role model they need and deserve.

This is too accurate 😂

AlltheFs · 23/03/2023 15:31

I can’t imagine why anyone has children if they aren’t prepared to play when they are little?

DD (3.5) is at nursery 4 days a week. On her days at home my DH and I probably do a good 6hrs a day of play and activities between us. I spent most of Monday being Wendy from Bob the Builder with a very strict list of requirements. DD is very specific!
We do very elaborate role play, dressing up, hours of paint and crafts and when the weather is better we are in the garden playhouse doing endless “shops”.

We are also just getting in to Playmobil and I’ll happily spend all day with that and the toy kitchen. I actually spent all of a really dull Teams call rearranging the toy kitchen by myself earlier.

I’m 45 but with a strong inner child 😊

Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 15:35

@AlltheFs but you've just said that your DD is at nursery 4 days a week so it's understandable that you'd want to spend more time playing on your day off.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 23/03/2023 15:36

I'd be honest with yourself and if you need a break or zone out then put the radio on etc and encourage them to play with something that you don't need to be hands on with.

Watching a tuned out parent on their phone is the modern equivalent of taking a toy to Dad and he just carries on reading the paper.

Only you know whether your children are getting what they need from you.

Botw1 · 23/03/2023 15:37

6 hours a day?!

No chance.

TheIsleOfTheLost · 23/03/2023 16:11

I very rarely play with my kids. That's what other kids are for. I engage them by taking care of them, bed time story, homework, trips to the park, attempting to get them to "help" with cooking and gardening etc. I consider my job to be getting them to grow into responsible ish adults, the same as adults throughout history. I am more than happy to kick through leaves, jump in puddles, pretend to be aeroplanes and get covered in mud.

potentialmediator · 23/03/2023 17:17

The less you play with them, the more they learn to play independently and with each other. Obviously still having constant interaction with them, facilitating the play, reading to them/crafts/days out. I feel parents’ job is everything else and their job is to play.
I do play certain things but also learnt to set boundaries “I’ve got to make dinner now, I’ll come see the den in 10 minutes”.

When I felt obligated to play all the time (endless role playing with 3yo) I found it so draining and don’t think it did my eldest DD any favours. Now I really enjoy being at home with them more as I can potter /get on with housework and they’re great at entertaining themselves. Within reason obviously! And so much easier as they get older.

jannier · 23/03/2023 17:26

Sometimes you have to force yourself to be silly and play join in it's very important for learning and easier the more you do. Role play is a chance to model things like behaviours, sharing and turn taking.
Messy play is shown to aid eating and speech as well as build fine motor skills hand strength, early writing and creativity ....could you join a group that does it or get a crafty pod the do all mess in ?

Butterkistfiend · 23/03/2023 17:33

Bookworms77 · 23/03/2023 14:09

Op you should have known this is MN. You must completely devote yourself to your dc, make sure you are playing with them every hour, working on their development with creative ways, feeding home cooked meals with ingredients you grew in your allotment, make their clothes from organic materials, your home must be guest ready at all times, don’t forget to also make time for your relationship and of course your mil, but you must also make sure you are only doing exactly 50% of all chores and mental load and taking regular spa days and overnights in a hotel with wine, also you should be a Sahm as you had dc so you should no expect anyone to raise them for you including a nursery, but also put them in nursery for their development, but also you must have a high flying career and solid pension and a running away fund, don’t forget to have a hobby and keep a social life going, but make sure your back at 9pm as don’t forget your a parent now, join the pta and run the bake sale while your at it but don’t expect any help with dc from family as they have done their time, but also allow unsupervised overnights with family otherwise it’s selfish. And one last thing make sure you smile the whole time so your dc see you as the role model they need and deserve.

😂😂👏👏👏

lunar1 · 23/03/2023 17:42

I played with mine plenty, went to groups, did lots of reading. As they got a bit older I starting baking/cooking with them both once or twice a week. That was a bit of a PITA for a while, but at least my sons can find their way around the kitchen!

I also read for myself and sat on my phone, you can't entertain them every minute.

northernbeee · 23/03/2023 18:26

I don't recall sitting and playing with my kids. I'd read books with them, we'd go on trips etc, but when it came to playing, then no, they did it on their own or together. They've both grown up to be well rounded, communicative adults who are both at university now.

CityGrownWillow · 23/03/2023 18:26

Wow, I came on here assuming I'd be with my people and that we all hated playing, obviously not 😂 OP I hope you're not feeling awful like you're the only mum who doesn't like playing with their kids. I only have one child and I've always hated it 😂
I'm happy doing crafts, board games, baking etc, anything that has a structure for a bit.
Things I will not do; Barbie's, roleplay, a made up game. I just can't 😂 I did try to when dd was younger but she's nearly 7 now and doesn't bother asking me anymore, now that I've written that it sounds awful 😂

Honestly don't worry, I'm sure there's far more of us who hate playing than those who enjoy it/do it 🤭 some of us are better at different stages of parenthood, I feel like I just don't do well with this age and below, and I think that's ok.
Especially as you've got a few kids, they can entertain each other, surely that's why anyone has more than one 😂
Sending you lots of love and play free days 😁

northernbeee · 23/03/2023 18:28

100% this!

MeridaBrave · 23/03/2023 18:29

It doesn’t matter what you do, what’s important is talking to them all day and encouraging them to respond for language development - that’s why role play with an
adult is important to encourage them to speak.

northernbeee · 23/03/2023 18:31

TheIsleOfTheLost · 23/03/2023 16:11

I very rarely play with my kids. That's what other kids are for. I engage them by taking care of them, bed time story, homework, trips to the park, attempting to get them to "help" with cooking and gardening etc. I consider my job to be getting them to grow into responsible ish adults, the same as adults throughout history. I am more than happy to kick through leaves, jump in puddles, pretend to be aeroplanes and get covered in mud.

100% this!

Original poster
sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 18:34

@CityGrownWillow thanks for this!
I like to think I'll be better when they are a little older and I can do more things like board games. I guess only time will tell! But the toddler years and the constant role play is draining isn't it, not to mention that they have an incredibly short attention span anyway.
DD is just getting into Barbie, heaven help me!

OP posts:
Theelephantinthecastle · 23/03/2023 18:36

It's funny, I actually feel like there is a lot of pressure not to play with your kids. IRL, my PIL especially but also my parents will criticise us for getting down on the floor and playing. On Mumsnet and other parenting forums, I feel like there's loads of people saying how much they hate playing with their kids and think it's better for kids to play independently.

I do play with my kids a lot but that's partly because they are in childcare for half the week so I am more up for it when I do see them and partly because I just enjoy it. Especially role play with toddlers. I genuinely find it fun. I don't do arts and crafts or baking and I don't love playgrounds in the winter... I think it's really fine to focus on what you enjoy doing with your kids.

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/03/2023 18:39

sunisbetterthanrain · 23/03/2023 18:34

@CityGrownWillow thanks for this!
I like to think I'll be better when they are a little older and I can do more things like board games. I guess only time will tell! But the toddler years and the constant role play is draining isn't it, not to mention that they have an incredibly short attention span anyway.
DD is just getting into Barbie, heaven help me!

For what it's worth, mine could play board games from about 2, of the Orchard Toys variety so you're almost there!

Marinapeppina · 23/03/2023 18:43

The idea that you need to be constantly playing with your kids is ridiculous. Doing activities like reading with then, getting them involved in tidying up, taking them to the park, making sure they have opportunities to play with other kids is plenty.

As long as the kids are playing, it's fine. They don't need you to play with them. They do need playmates but these can be other kids.

Mamabear48 · 23/03/2023 18:56

I don’t I avoid it as much as possible I absolutely cannot stand playing 😂 I’ve got a 5 year old and 1 year old and I find it soooo boring

Getthefiregoing · 23/03/2023 19:06

Marinapeppina · 23/03/2023 18:43

The idea that you need to be constantly playing with your kids is ridiculous. Doing activities like reading with then, getting them involved in tidying up, taking them to the park, making sure they have opportunities to play with other kids is plenty.

As long as the kids are playing, it's fine. They don't need you to play with them. They do need playmates but these can be other kids.

I agree with this.

Mine is only 18 months but I already know I won't enjoy the imaginative play stage when it comes. I loved imaginative small world play as a child but I was content to do that by myself. I'm hoping he'll be the same! The only thing resembling small world play for him at the moment is his brio train set and he happily plays with that by himself.

I really like doing toy rotation, and his toys are set up in a sort of loose Montessori style which I find keeps him interested for longer.

I prefer getting him out to playgroups where he can play among other children. Or go to the park or take a bucket to the beach to collect shells and stones. The more fresh air the better! He also attends a messy play group where they do all the arts and crafts stuff I simply don't want to do at home.

For us home is where we relax: he potters with his toys by himself, brings me books to read together under a blanket, "helps" me with chores, cuddles up with me to watch cartoons. I don't feel the need to be constantly in his space- I'd rather leave him to discover his toys by himself.

Of course sometimes I get down and set his train track up with him, or cut up cardboard packaging to make ramps for his toy cars, or sit with him and build block towers for him to knock over. But most of the time it's nice to see him playing happily alone.

Lilacsparkles · 23/03/2023 19:13

god you're totally fine , I think people are missing tht you hve twins and a four year old! Very easy for the parents
Tht stick their kids in nursery most of the week to boast bout how much they do... the fact tht you're worried about it shows how much you care. Be kind to yourself x

Theelephantinthecastle · 23/03/2023 19:17

I wonder how much of this is about definitions.. some of the things people are saying that they do instead of playing I would think of as playing, to be honest. Like going to the park, picking up shells on the beach, taking them to the park, pretending to be aeroplanes, board games..