How much time should I spend playing with our children?

[sunisbetterthanrain]

I'm a SAHM with three under 5. DH has suggested (not in an unpleasant way) that I don't spend enough time playing with the kids but honestly I just find playing with toys utterly boring.
I do very odd bits of arts & crafts, sit with them whilst they colour or use play-clay, I am hopeless at baking, painting is too messy and the role play stuff I just think they can do on their own. I do take them to lots of classes, clubs and plan fun days out but I will admit that when it comes to playing with toys I switch off after 5-10 mins.

AIBU to just think they should be able to play on their own and do the creative stuff at pre-school?

Honest responses - how much time do you spend playing with your children?

And I was the "I love Lego" mom. Helps with developing spatial awareness. Spatial ability helps with STEMI careers.

I like Lego too, sometimes. And building train tracks (though DS2 barely lets me these days).

I don't like doing dance parties or playing sports - DH does the dance parties etc.

I do think the point of siblings is so you can be like "Argh go play with your brother" XD I was forever playing with my sister though. We had a multitude of worlds we could slip into at any moment, I loved it.

I also get them to help me with household tasks.

I hate pretend play, and I can't do it for more than a couple of minutes. I don't mind setting up the toy kitchen or Playmobil or whatever so that it's ready to use but then they are on their own. I do have 2 close in age but they mostly play separately rather than together as they have quite different interests.

I play with my kids in other ways though. I'm happy to do play doh, crafty things, puzzles, baking etc.

I think a large part of how happy they are to play alone is just their nature. My eldest has never been good at imaginative play and would rather be doing something active or screen based, my youngest can play happily alone with her toys for hours!

I used to play with mine a lot on my days off.

Messy stuff. Rolling about on the floor prentending to be animals. Art. Cooking. Dancing/air guitar and all sorts. Getting random stuff out of the kitchen cupboard. He liked getting a bag of onions and hiding them in saucepans with lids. Nothing particularly organised, just fun/chaos/random.

Most memorable was a potato fight making "snowballs" out of mash! Took ages getting that out of our hair.

I had my son youngish and had loads of energy.

Now DS is in high school and just wants to play Xbox and hang with mates.

Have a read of The Playful Parent by (I think) Julia Deering. Gives great ideas for three levels of playing: where you're involved throughout, where you pop in and out of playing and where you set something up for them but don't get involved - depending on what else you're doing or your mood. I also think it's totally fine for DC to find their own games. My parents' generation didn't spend much time 'playing with' their children and I think they could get dependent on you for entertainment if you don't let them find their own.

This is my hill.

Children do not need adults to play with them and in fact just observing any group of children in a natural setting for five minutes will tell you that what’s important is that children play together, especially role play type games. Adults are not meant to play these games. If they are having to it’s because they are a poor substitute for other children.

Look at any society or community that lives more instinctively than the West. The children run round in
a big pack playing whilst the adults do jobs. When the adults have down time they chat to other adults. The children get plenty of touch, affection, responsive caring but not playing.

I hated playing and rather than force a desultory performance from myself I did with the children what I was good at (reading, baking, gardening, organising days out, walks and bike rides etc) and facilitated lots and lots of time with other children for them to play.

OP, you're fine crack on love ❤️

how much does he play with them?

I never role played with mine at all really I don't think. Not like my DH does with them, he can make up stories too, I can't do that. I preferred helping with puzzles, setting up train track, or getting things out for them like playdough or setting up a sensory tuff tray when they were toddlers. Singing nursery rhymes, reading to them and taking them out for walks. Even as mine have got older I have no qualms with saying no when they ask me to play Barbie or something like that, but I do spend hours reading to them, even when they are old enough to read themselves, that's my thing to make up for not being a fun imaginative role player. I did find Bluey helpful for play prompts, but when it comes to feathers I told them the magic runs out after 5 goes in real life.

I did a bit of the imaginative stuff, but what I did loads of was reading to them/ looking at books, we did quite a bit of physical play as well, races, football, beach cricket and swimming . I baked with them as well from a very young age (2 or so). We also play board games and cards as a family.

It's not about constant attention but a good balance in the day

Mine are older now but I wish I'd played with them more!

I spend a lot of each day I'm home with my kids playing with them. I spent more time playing with my DD (eldest) than DS because often they play well together now and they don't need me then. I hardly play with both of them at the same time thinking about it. I play with DS as needed and then when he naps I play with DD. DS does play alone a little bit but not loads. DD also plays alone a fair amount now she is 4.5 but it has been slow-going and even now she doesn't really like to and doesn't play independently for long periods of time.

Honestly though, I think your situation is fine, I do it cos I have to! Otherwise we have tears, tantrums and whinging from DD, so I don't really have a choice. I wouldn't choose to spend so much time playing with them tbh if I didn't have to. I do enjoy some of it though don't get me wrong but certainly some of it is boring!

I found playing imaginative with mine boring. We would read books everyday, play board games and do baking or crafts. Also go play groups park etc. Regularplay I left them to entertain themselves

I was going to type a reply along these lines. Until relatively recently (he’s now 3.5) I found it quite challenging to ‘play with’ my son because he wasn’t interested in role play and had a very short attention span. I read with him loads, went on walks, talked to him a lot, took him to the playground and soft play etc. But I really did struggle with playing with his toys on the floor.

I beat myself up about it for a while but now it’s much easier so I’ve concluded there’s no point in trying to force anything before it’s the right time.

Also, you’ve got 3 under 5. I’ve got two and I find it bloody difficult to play with both at the same time. If we get the puzzles out for example the younger one wants to eat the pieces and the older one gets frustrated. And so on.

I think given the choice, a lot of parents would opt out the imaginary school/shop game. It's as tedious as listening to 'look at me mummy, watch me jump' all morning. I guess it doesn't matter too much what the activity is as long as they're practicing a variety of skills.
How about 'Karen goes to Next' ....and demands to see the manager or 'Baby is poorly and Mummy tries to book at doctors appointment'. There's a lot in this one. You gotta wait for 0830 exactly to dial so you get through, you have to select the right number (1 for dieing, 2 for dead) ....you could hum a bit of Vivaldi or tell them 'Your call is important to us. The Dr could have a daft name.
I think it's the interacting that counts. Anything is play at that age. My 'soldiers' used to march up to recieve cutlery and set the table and I'd be the Segant Major and inspect it (kindly).
Does you OH have a point. Are you dreary moany mummy? Conversely, is it very easy for your husband to walk in and throw himself into a game....when your stuck with the drudgery and already done your time!
Maybe shake it up at the weekend. Get him to pack the kids bags. Ask him if they're ready. Did he get their snacks etc. Then you hop in the drivers seat and tell them you don't know where you're going. Make them laugh. You push them on the swings, he can be coat monitor on the bench.

Yep finding ways to play with all three is hard, the younger ones are still very much at the wanting to eat everything in sight phase or just chucking DDs toys across the room so then she gets cross.

As I've said, I take them out a lot, these kids are not missing stimulation or playtime I'm just admitting that I'm not great at siting on the floor to play with dolls or cars but I do set them up and encourage them to play independently as much as I can. I dedicate a bit more time with DD whilst the twins nap which goes down well and makes things easier.

DH is great at playing but realistically it's half an hour a day because he is working late and barely makes it home for bedtime, some days he doesn't make it home at all. Not here to criticise him really because he has a very demanding job which is why I became a SAHM but I guess I'm sensitive on the subject because I don't want to feel like I'm failing.

Thank you to all those posting supportive responses and suggestions

Amen to this.

…not keen on imagination, generally, are we?

I’m in the minority apparently. I loved the imaginary play.

I play a bit but not loads. It is boring I agree. I do every fucking thing else so I figure this can slide, but I make sure I do enough of it as it’s what they remember isn’t it.

I agree, and it makes me really sad because my DD4 is an only, and on her 4 days in the week that she's at home she doesn't get many opportunities to play with other kids, maybe an hour on a couple of the days. So DH and I are poor substitutes for other children and play with her all day.

This thread is a fascinating insight into other parent's lives for me. I can't imagine being home with my child and not playing with her, like it's the absolute default, and not a boasting way, she just won't play alone. If I tell her I'm tired of playing then she'll cry actual tears or nag at me until I play. I put a 2 minute timer on the other day and asked her to play alone for 2 minutes, she spent it watching the timer and then told me she doesn't think she can try 3 minutes!

Those of you who have one child and don't play with them all day, I'm incredibly jealous, how did you make this happen? Was your kid always happy to play alone or did you have to train them in some way?

I read somewhere once that 15 minutes of your undivided attention is enough to top up their mum meter. I sometimes quite enjoy playing but when I’m not feeling it at all, I give it 15 minutes of my full effort then encourage them to play without me. It’s not a daunting amount of time if the activity is something you won’t enjoy and it helps you to know there is an end time.

I struggled with that stuff too when the kid was that age. My time came later when he was older, playing lots of word-related board games and creating foreign language activities. My suggestion would be to turn whatever your interests are into an activity for them. That might not be suitable until they are older though.

Well that's lovely, but you don't have to play with your child for 6 hours.
That'd drive me round the bend.
Perhaps I'm a bad parent.

But questioning why someone would have children if they aren't prepared to play with them is ridiculous.

We're adults. We're parents, not play mates. Sure, a bit of playing will probably benefit them, but it shouldn't be an expectation.

Christ if I played for 6 hours on the floor with my DD I wouldn't be able to get up again. My back would be shot for a start.

I don’t ever play where I take the role another child would take, nor do they ever ask me to (they have always had each other so possibly this is different for an only).
I help with and do anything they ask for if they ask nicely, but I don’t set up activities for them, they ask for the things they can’t reach.
I interact with them doing things around the house. They like to hang up washing, turn on the washing machine, sort clothes, cut vegetables (with a lettuce knife), water plants. These are things they can’t do independently while they can happily play for quite a while alone.
I put the phone completely away and I come over every time they want to show me something. You can have plenty of engagement without joining their games.