Daughter accused of instigating a serious incident. Is she really wrong?

[wasshereallywrong]

I have name changed for this to not link to previous threads as this is outing and I have told people in real life.

I am going to preface this be saying my DD 13 is a gobby little sod so I know she can be annoying and hasn't got the best school record but she has no time for injustice which has led to conflict for her in the past but to todays incident...

My DD has several black friends (we come from a very white area). She was told today that one lad was going around using the N word. This isn't the first time and so she took it upon herself to confront him and tell him it isn't right and it is racist. Like I say she is gobby so I imagine she was heated when she said it. He pushed her away and told her to leave him alone, everyone gathered around and she said she wasn't going to fight and went to move away, he pushed her again and ran off. Two of her friends then caught up with the lad and several punches were thrown. I am not saying the fight was acceptable. It was 2 on 1 and he was hurt and fighting is never ok.

My DD has now been given a day of internal exclusion because she initiated a serious incident. Did she though or did she call out unacceptable racism? Was it not the lad who was using the n word the person who instigated it? I have said that she has to accept that she was wrong to get involved in something that wasn't to do with her but was she wrong? If people don't call out racist behaviour how is it stopped? I am going to be speaking to the head teacher tomorrow as I missed his call today but AIBU to be proud of her for taking a stand against racist behaviour and to be arguing with the punishment for starting this when if he hadn't made the comments it wouldn't have been necessary to 'talk' to him about it. And is the school wrong for punishing someone for calling out this behaviour?

She may not have done it the right way but sadly some kids just don't give a shit about what adults say.
I suspect the OPs DD probably knows exactly what type this lad is and if he's known for trouble then trouble may well be the only language he knows. Being called out on something by a peer can be far more effective than running teachers. What use is calling the teacher, him getting a telling off and then being back on the playground shouting his vile abuse again?

She may have jumped in hot headed manner but kids snap. She may not have witnessed this incident of him being racist but she has witnessed it in the past by the sounds of it on multiple occasions! She had every reason to believe he had said it again. She did not use violence. She opened a conversation which he wasn't willing to have so he lashed out. And yet she still didn't use violence. She is not responsible for the other kids actions.

Firstly I have reported your comment with the use of ‘mental’ as a slur - that’s absolutely unacceptable language

Seemingly absolutely zero shits given by the OP or her daughter for the two black kids that are now likely to be permanently excluded for physical violence which the OP's daughter instigated in her "crusade against racism".

Nope, she's all about how wrong the school is for punishing her daughter.

The girl was obviously trying to impress her friends. Now there’s been a fight and they’ve probably been excluded and have a record of punching someone. Brava, not…

Indeed funny isn't it the OPs so proud of her daughter for being a moral crusader against something she didn't even hear but the outcome is her 2 black friends are now likely to be excluded and miss several days of school all because she couldn't resist an argument.

Cannot believe how crazy people on this thread are posting!

And it sounds as though she is known to be somebody who will go off in an extremely dramatic manner if people decide to wind her up. She could have been completely stitched up by other kids who could have wanted to see her batter him for their own entertainment and lied (or told the truth) - nothing to do with them wanting to see natural justice at all.

She's incredibly vulnerable if she is the default 'let's tell her x story because she'll be the one who gets into trouble/we want another kid to be humiliated/threatened/battered' teen. Because she could be used as a tool for bullying, for disruption, for distraction - and she'll be the one to suffer the consequences, whether it's an internal exclusion for a day, suspension, expulsion - or by wading in against somebody who has no qualms about using a weapon or has friends/siblings/parents who do. And they could also see themselves as people who don't take any nonsense and will stand up for themselves/others just as much as she does.

Your daughter is toxic, OP.

She basically starts shit with lads and then sets “her boys” on them if they react. Disgusting behaviour.

OP you sound pretty reasonable to me. Willing to accept your DD is 13 and makes mistakes. Her mistake here was acting on second hand info. and not escalating through other channels - like a teacher. I’d tell her the punishment is for how she dealt with it that but you are proud she calls out racism. I would not be happy that boy laid hands on her. Whatever she said violence is not acceptable so it’s good she refused to engage.

Good luck .

My son was in a very similar incident. He called out someone using that word against another lad and three days later he ended up in a fight with the word user. He was given a day of isolation but was let out after the circumstances were revealed. I’m not a fan of fighting but I am extremely proud that he stood up for his principles. It’s a hard one.

You agree with calling someone ‘mental’ as a deliberate slur? You think I’m being precious by calling that out?

Maybe channel her passion towards law or human rights

This thread has it all!

Ask to see the CCTV. If the incident was exactly as she has described to you I’d be raising merry hell with the school. Of course it would be better to tell an adult if such appalling language is being used in school, but what she did was an acceptable response imo. Children are allowed to say “that’s wrong” in response to racism, and to walk away from a fight. They aren’t responsible if others escalate the sensible words into violence.

Exactly! And that info was drip fed out of the OP. The anti racism warrior doesn’t seem so pious now when it’s two black boys in a mostly white school dealing with the consequences which I sincerely doubt were as light as one day’s internal suspension. But forget about the actual victims of racism, the OP’s daughter saw a great reason to start a fight with a known trouble maker, magic! I hope the OP is taking pains to get her daughter to apologise not only to the school but to the parents of those two boys who no doubt have much more awareness of racism beyond school yard rumours.

She was sticking up for her friends over racial abuse. Didn't give him the right to push a girl. Has the lad been punished?

👏 👏 👏

How dare you. I’m not an apologist for racism. I actually am a lawyer though. Hot heads don’t do well in a profession where you have to cooly examine the facts. Mouths who rush in and get others in serious trouble are not ideal lawyers. Did you miss the part where two black boys actually ended up in a physical fight after OP’s daughter stirred the pot? What a victory.

We'll never know will we?

We had something like that happen in my school. Kid was seriously told off from all angles, spent a day in isolation,parents called in etc. We took it very seriously ,it was recorded as a racist incident and we used all the tools available to us in the behaviour policy. It's been 3 years now and the kid hasn't used that word again, or at least not in school.

At the very least schools should be given the opportunity to deal with incidents like these and only if their reaction is ineffective other alternatives should be sought.

The anti racism warrior doesn’t seem so pious now when it’s two black boys in a mostly white school dealing with the consequences which I sincerely doubt were as light as one day’s internal suspension.

A girl using words is not responsible for the actions of boys who use fists.

There are a lot of assumptions being piled on - did the DD instigate her friends to get into a fight with the boy (or are people making their own facts up)? Is it not possible they’d had enough of racial slurs and being bullied and snapped after seeing their friend pushed over?

OP you have not once acknowledged the fact she didn't hear this information herself and instead claim you are not justifying her behaviour but keep drip feeding extra snippets to imply the boy definitely said it / the teacher told her she did nothing wrong.

Yes it would be noble of your DD to stand up to racism. But that is not what this was. This was your DD thinking she's above the normal channels and taking matters into her own hand - about something she hadn't personally even witnessed. What happens if someone tells her tomorrow that someone else has done something to wrong someone? Is she the school police and it's okay for her to just barge round confronting everyone? She needs to reign herself in.

With your attitude and inability to acknowledge her approach was inappropiate, she's going to eventually get on the wrong side of someone seriously with this m.

Some of the comments on here! Your DD is 13, still very young with a lot to learn. Personally I love her passion and sense of Justice, but it was second hand info, maybe that's a lesson for her to learn.

But to punish her? That's wrong, she was physically assaulted herself and did she ask those 2 friends to go after the lad? I get the impression not, they chose to off their own back. I think they could all learn something from this, but your DD been made the instigator of all of this is bulllshit.

Hilarious. Another thread about bullying and everyone is basically encouraging kid to smack back the bully. Throw in a racist and all of a sudden it's "go tell a teacher, they'll deal with it".

Obviously they did not. Perpetrator has built up a reputation of being a racist and no one has done shit about it.

I would kick up merry hell and I'd also join forces with the black boys parents in pushing for the expulsion of the idiot.