To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

He is already doing more than his legal obligation. He can't afford more because he's paying ex's debts, it's the OP who would be paying and as you rightly said - it's between the parents.

Ex also has an obligation to make responsible decisions for her FIRST children as they are more important than her new baby, no?

You should really stop projecting. Plenty of us are both Mums and Step Mums and bitterness doesn't come into it.

Spot on.

Yeah, and so does she. She already can't afford the kids she has. Or her debt, despite keeping all the assets the debt bought.

So she's got knocked up with a 4th, by her affair partner. Sounds like a winner all round. And her ex partners problem how?

Why can’t multiple things be true at once? OH is getting a (very, very) good deal with the OP, she’s subsidising a nice lifestyle and buffering the effect of his commitments.

EXW having another baby but saying she can’t afford things because of COL crisis doesn’t necessarily mean she means she can’t afford the baby, she might mean that the three children she shares with your OH cost way more than a measly £400 a month to look after. If they’re all in primary, then the going halves on uniform is very little IME.

Offering to have them 50/50 would be seen by lots of people as too disruptive for the kids. I’d never agree to it with my kids, and I know they’d struggle with it.

Am I the only person who wants to know what the debt was for? I think £400 plus the £200 for the debt is good going for three kids that he doesn’t have to house or regularly feed and manage. I know I spend that for gas and electric.

The OP essentially houses and feeds them when they come over, how would he support them without her? I don’t care what the EXW does with the money as I think £400 is pathetic and the CMS is definitely not taking into account that he doesn’t need as much money to live on as he’s getting his lifestyle funded.

If he is the only one paying off their collective debts then he should say no to an increase in maintenance. Once this is cleared then maybe he can consider increasing the payment.

If she couldn't afford the debt payments then having another child was an unwise decision. Her work income may be decreasing but this was her choice. This wasn't something that your partner agreed to so he should not have to suffer because of it.

Well no, not really as he pays a lot on top of that if you read the post. Sounds fair OP in this circumstance (and often I'm the first to agree with the pp I've quoted, just not on this case)

OP has said that the Ex has a similar lifestyle to her own. So it’s not a matter of OP doing really well and Ex struggling to meet costs. They’re both doing fine.

Ex as made a decision to have another child and would now like OP to partially fund it. How is it OP’s responsibility to fund that choice? Why don’t you give the Ex some of your money, or do you begrudge her?

He's paying the minimum? He's paying CMS and all her portion of debt while she keeps all the assets

CMS is definitely not taking into account that he doesn’t need as much money to live on as he’s getting his lifestyle funded.

Of course it doesn’t because newsflash it’s based on his income, not his needs and OP’s income is neither here nor there. If he was living in a palace with a multi millionairess, it would still be the same.

What’s that got to do with it ?

No, Op doesn’t want to pay more, which is quite an important factor considering she would be the one funding it.

Everyone can see the OP's post so why are you making false statements? He pays maintenance, extras AND all of his and his ex's joint debt. Why do you feel the need to lie?

I wonder how many people who are protesting would be prepared to dole out their earnings for DP's children when the mother is already getting significantly more than she's legally entitled to and OP is already picking up the slack.

No I get that, only point I’m making is that CMS calculates from income under the assumption that that person needs to keep a roof over their head and pay bills etc themselves - so they’ve calculated based on a system that obviously doesn’t apply to all families. The op’s OH pays what I consider a pittance for three kids and just because that’s what CMS have said is enough, I don’t see it as enough or fair. I sort of feel like the paying off the debt goes some way to balancing it out

Have you completely missed that the OP and DP have regular access to the children and pay for everything while they are with them ? Or that he pays what CMS recommend based on his salary ? Or that he’s paying debt they accrued as a couple ? Or that there wasn’t a problem until his ex had another baby ? What exactly is making you feel ill, and why do you think the OP should contribute to his children from her own salary ?

OP, I was in a situation like this with a man child. His ex saw my house and lifestyle and wanted in. Whilst CMS is only based on his income she was pleading for more that he couldn't afford and it would have been me footing the bill ( by subsidising his housing costs etc)
Best thing I ever did was get rid of him before he took more off me.
Be really careful here. These people can suck you dry.

Sorry you are a massive mug. Let them rear their own children. You will never have a baby here. You aren’t even married.

You’re suggesting that the CMS should take into account that he doesn’t need as much money to live on because he’s getting his ‘lifestyle’ funded by the OP. You might just as well say that the CMS should take money from the OP to subsidise his children. Because that’s what it would amount to.

As I said in the OP, our lifestyles are similar. The children are housed and provided for in both homes, and both households pay for extra bedrooms and clothes and bikes and wellies and haircuts and music lessons and school trips and whatever else they need.

It’s entirely up to her and her partner how they spend their money, and I don’t know the minutiae, but to give you an idea of their lifestyle: they went on two family holidays last year, two overseas couples trips including one long-haul, they’ve got a new dog recently, she goes to a £80/month gym, and her car is considerably newer than mine. AND they’ve chosen to have a baby. According to OH she has always been in debt and overspent, so perhaps it’s all on credit. But really, that’s not my problem, and as long as the children aren’t suffering, it’s not his anymore either.

Their household spending is their choice, as is ours. We have only been on one holiday in the last year (with the children) and I go to a discount gym and drive an old car. We have put off having a baby as wanted to get the house ready first.

I’m sorry she might be finding times tougher, but I’m going to stop feeling guilty about it.

You’re suggesting that the CMS should take into account that he doesn’t need as much money to live on because he’s getting his ‘lifestyle’ funded by the OP. You might just as well say that the CMS should take money from the OP to subsidise his children. Because that’s what it would amount to.

I’m not saying CMS should take OP’s income into account and I also think that her funding him is unfair but her choice. What I am saying is that the CMS calculation of £400 for three kids is absolutely pathetic and calculated for a man who has to house and feed himself and his kids when he has them - which he doesn’t. I don’t actually understand where the rest of his money is going if he’s contributing only 25% of the household costs overall but not on the mortgage?

If he has another child then all children are the priority not just the precious first born

You don’t need to feel guilty about anything. You are literally the father’s girlfriend. You are already doing far more than you should. You absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty. You should be questioning why you have taken on so much responsibility here for children who aren’t yours and a man you aren’t even married to who is going to be broke for several more years. What’s in it for you?

But OP originally said they'd have them 50/50 or full custody and ex has refused. They could go to court to apply for 50/50 and then everyone's circumstances, finances too, will be taken into account.

LOL at this. Is this wishful thinking?
The NRP’s new partner could be a millionaire and you still wouldn’t see a penny of it.

Going by your logic, would you be ok if the maintenance went down dramatically if the RP married a millionaire? I think not.

From what you say he is only paying the minimum, which is only 12% of income if they are with her full time, the half uniform and activities on top is expected even though it can’t be enforced, as the CM payment isn’t intended to cover these costs.

The debt he/they accumulated is a separate issue and doesn’t help support the 3 DC in a cost of living crisis. How long until this is paid off?