To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

Bye.

Okay, but what part of this is OP’s problem? Or indeed financial responsibility? It isn’t. Him paying more in the way of maintenance means OP paying more in the way of maintenance, and she is in no way obliged to do that.

It does help support them because she's supposed to be paying it and is keeping the money instead.

I mean it does help support the DC in the cost of living crisis, as their mum isn't having to spend £££ each month on debt repayments, so that's extra cash in the household being spent on the DC.

I suppose it depends really. Is he working full time hours and is his ‘flexible’ income all declared? Or is he working self employed and minimising declared income or spending a considerable amount of time doing the house up rather than working?

You have no need to feel guilty . He's paying more than is expected with the debt and all the extras

It doesn't sound like she's working much to support her lifestyle and her children but apparently it's OK that her partner is having to subsidise it all

And I'm not a bitter step parent , or any kind of step parent before anyone says it

I don't get this ^^^ and all the comments about him being generous by contributing £400 for his three children, a paltry amount and less than 1/6th of his income.

Repayment of the debt is his responsibility - presumably taken on by the household by his ability to repay. It does not follow that the debt is split 50/50 once the relationship ends. We don't know what it was for, but even that is irrelevant. It's his debt, not contributing towards the children's upkeep.

OP is the only one being generous. That's her decision.

🤣🤣🤣

His first children are his priority.

Do you say the same about mums/RPs who go on to have more children? Bet you don’t.

Do you say that about children in general? I’m a mum of 4… is it just my first born who is my priority?

Go away with your warped logic about men’s second children not being equal to the first. It’s comments like yours that make stepmums extremely protective of their children, so you’re not doing those precious first children any favours and you’re actually being very counter productive.
If I was a stepmum and was made to feel like my children mattered less to the point they don’t deserve even the basics, I would absolutely be overcompensating for that every time.
Your comment is very divisive and unnecessary.

No. She chose to have another child.

What on earth are these joint debts that she can't pay off because she doesn't have enough, but he has to pay for years. What debts, exactly?

Doesn't work like that with joint debt, he's responsible for the whole amount if she doesn't/can't/won't pay. Morally OP and OH might feel they are paying her share, legally its his debt.

Why is it his debt alone, given that it was taken out as a couple ? And how do you know that the ex hasn’t kept the assets bought by that debt ? A lot of assumptions here. If he’s paying what the CMS have asked based on his wages why should he pay more, given that the OP is already paying 75% of the housing costs ?

Yeah, this. If she were working full time and still having problems making ends meet, for the kids' expenses, I might think differently. She wants to be a low earner, won't let the bio-father have his kids more and went ahead with another pregnancy. It's not the OP's family's problem to fix.

It’s not OPs problem.

In effect, he's paying £800 out each month.
£200 for his debt, £200 for her debt and £400 for the children. So she's really getting £600 from him.
Perhaps worth considering upping the £400 to £500 or £600 once the debts are paid off, if you were in agreement with him doing this.
But as for you paying it.... I wouldn't.

LOL. Like it is that easy.

Op, you sound like a smart cookie and your partner sounds decent too. However I genuinely don't think you should be paying towards his children in any way other than having them have a home in your house. Any extras like uniforms, music lessons all are his responsibility. And if he can't afford them. then he needs to go back and negotiate with his ex.

I can empathise as I dated a guy who was giving close to 1K for one child whereas I was getting very little/if anything for 2. His ex seemed fine but they (her new partner, new baby etc) had also grown accustomed to their lifestyle funded by my now ex and he in turn felt obligated to keep giving that. I couldn't imagine staying with him if I had to help fund that too. I appreciate you earn double (I also earned a lot at the time) but what's the point if its going towards someone who really isn't family.

The children her OH and ex share are school age.

Childcare for the baby is irrelevant.

OP I agree with you.

If he wants to increase it then I'd look at your joint bills in the household differently.

Total bills excluding child costs for his children.

Look at both your salaries and incomes.

Minus what he pays for his children from his salary.

Then each pay an equal percentage towards the household bills.

He'll either see that he pays less than you (Eg the child costs and his equal percentage are more than his income) or see that it eats all his income and he can't contribute more.

I'm not suggesting you refuse to cover holiday costs etc because I'm always if the opinion if you get with someone with children you are accepting some level of responsibility towards them.

But he needs to see to be able to explain to her that he is paying equally and that her choosing to have another baby increased costs as much as anything else. Because you are also having to absorb costs such as food, utilities etc increasing for the time they are with you.

No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it. It should be cleared in a few years at which point he’ll a more equal amount to our household’s costs.

So your response is he'll increase the CM by half the debts amount and she pays 50% and that they'll get that all drawn up and signed and agreed legally.

He got himself into thousands of pounds of debt along with his wife, has his children less than 1/3 of the time, pays the legal minimum child support, leaves his girlfriend to pay the rest of his expenses, and fucks around doing DIY instead of working to pay for himself. Jesus, raise your standards.

*their responsibility

But you know, the ex wife doesn't need to worry about that. Just having more children and trying to get her ex's girlfriend to fund them.

The double standards on munsnet are hilarious. If this is as a women with three kids living with a higher earning male partner, everyone on here would be ranting about them being a blended family and a family pot.

The op and her do sound like they've behaved decently in all this. It's not the ops responsibility to fund her partners kids and the dp sounds like between the debts and cm, he is paying his share particularly since she kept assets from the marriage. She absolutely shouldn't have had another child if she couldn't afford them.

He’s paying off debt that he and ex accumulated while together and presumably the ex kept the assets that debt bought. The CMS calculation is based on his wage after living expenses. The fact that the OP earns more than him and pays most of those living costs is irrelevant because she is not responsible for paying for his kids. And where do you get the idea that he doesn’t have his kids, given that the OP clearly states that they do, and that they pay for everything when they do ?

@ OP no you are not being unreasonable at all. Cost of living has increased for everyone, not just her household. You already pay more than the recommended amount in the extras bought. If you start down that path it will NEVER end and you will always be asked for more and more. Their new baby is not your or your DHs responsibility.

On a side note regarding joint debts and the distance travelled - have you asked CMS for a variation to take these debts and the travel distance into account? Some joint debts are taken into consideration when working out their payments and also the travel distance.

OP your income is double, so suggest it would be fairer and you might be happier with the situation if you contribute proportionately into the household account rather than 3x.

Can your DP look for a better paid or second job if you want to start a family before the debt is repaid?