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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

629 replies

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 15:26

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

OP posts:
CoffeeBean5 · 22/03/2023 17:55

Blossomtoes · 22/03/2023 17:43

And she’s happy with that. You’re just stirring the pot.

Show quote history

You sound like the ex wife 😂I’d be really upset if my friend told me she financially supported her boyfriend’s ex ie paying all the children’s expenses. I think it’s awful that the boyfriend is paying off all the debt and is pressured to pay more CMS to his cheating ex. His ex should pay off half the debt. She seems to be living comfortably.

Original poster
Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 17:57

Thanks everyone, you’ve helped me see the situation more clearly.

As I said in the OP, she hasn’t actually asked for more money yet, but has been hinting which tends to precede a request. Our households are largely similar (though no baby brother here - yet!) and there are some priority differences but the children are well-looked after in both. If they were destitute it’d be another matter.

If a request does come in, it’ll be a polite no. When the debts are cleared, perhaps OH will consider increasing his maintenance, but as we may have childcare costs by then, I doubt it. His ex will just have to tighten her belt like everyone else.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 22/03/2023 17:58

You sound like the ex wife

I actually sound like OP. I was in exactly her position once.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 22/03/2023 18:01

Blossomtoes · 22/03/2023 17:43

And she’s happy with that. You’re just stirring the pot.

Show quote history

Exactly.

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:03

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 15:41

He pays the CMS-recommended amount (plus the same on top towards their joint debts, but that’s irrelevant).

I don’t think she’s had much, if any, increase in benefits since having the baby as it’s her fourth at home. I do understand why she and her partner wanted a baby together though.

I guess I’m more than happy to pay extra for the children when they’re in my home or school, but don’t see why I should pay for them in their mum’s house too.

They're only in your house once every two weeks so of course he should pay for whilst they're at their mums! Your boyfriend should in theory pay for HALF of the costs of having the child! Not just for when the kids are at your house!

Speaking of, EOW is awful and not enough in my opinion. Regardless of how often you have them in the holidays.

Either way though, it's none of your business what your boyfriend pays the mother of his children

GreenSunfish · 22/03/2023 18:05

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 16:02

We’re not married, and CMS is based on his wage only. He pays his ex £400 a month and about £400 to their shared debts. It’s about 1/3 of his post-tax income.

If we weren’t together I don’t know what he’d do - he could probably only afford to rent a one-bedroom place and wouldn’t be able to afford holidays or hobbies for the children. If we were strictly 50/50 we’d probably be renting a two-bedroom place. I love them though, we get on wonderfully and I’m happy to pay for them when they’re in my home.

£400 a month will not feed, clothe and house 3 children never mind provide a few small luxuries or emergency things. That’s less than £33 each week per child which is not much. Paying the bare minimum the CMS dictates is legal but immoral. He might be paying a little more than this with trips/holidays etc but not much. His ex will have no pension in these years of looking after the kids. The ex’s new partner will be paying more for your partners kids.

Marmight · 22/03/2023 18:05

So the CM plus debt is £800 which is a third of his take home pay.
What's he doing with the other £1600 which lands in his bank every month?
Also on £40k gross, and allowing for the kids to be with you EOW and half of school holidays, CM should be around £520ish pounds a month
Something isn't adding up

waterSpider · 22/03/2023 18:06

And, of course, if you do have a child then the CMS amount will go down!

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 18:06

TheNefariousTIG · 22/03/2023 17:49

Have the CMS figures risen in the last 3 years, despite the fact that absolutely every other cost and bill has? As I understand it the CMS amount is a bare minimum figure. If your OH can afford it and is sure the money is being used for the kids benefit then I’d be inclined to offer more. I understand his commitments mean you contribute more to the family pot but surely this was something you knew when you got together?

No this is not spot on. His costs of living will also have gone up. CMS is a proportion of wages, it has absolutely nothing to do with how much things cost.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 18:06

TheNefariousTIG · 22/03/2023 17:49

Have the CMS figures risen in the last 3 years, despite the fact that absolutely every other cost and bill has? As I understand it the CMS amount is a bare minimum figure. If your OH can afford it and is sure the money is being used for the kids benefit then I’d be inclined to offer more. I understand his commitments mean you contribute more to the family pot but surely this was something you knew when you got together?

She pays enough as it is. Doesn't mean she has to pay more when she's told to. They aren't her kids. Mum and dad should be ashamed tmif they even consider asking her to pay a penny more.

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:06

@Nastyurtium As a household we’re completely fine and have a good lifestyle

So you're doing really well as a household, you know she is struggling to meet costs as she's told you, yet you STILL begrudge giving her a little more? Wow

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 18:07

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 17:57

Thanks everyone, you’ve helped me see the situation more clearly.

As I said in the OP, she hasn’t actually asked for more money yet, but has been hinting which tends to precede a request. Our households are largely similar (though no baby brother here - yet!) and there are some priority differences but the children are well-looked after in both. If they were destitute it’d be another matter.

If a request does come in, it’ll be a polite no. When the debts are cleared, perhaps OH will consider increasing his maintenance, but as we may have childcare costs by then, I doubt it. His ex will just have to tighten her belt like everyone else.

Good stance to take imo.

AaaaaandBreathe · 22/03/2023 18:07

I'll hazard a bet that a lot of PPs on here wouldn't be telling a man who CHOSE to spend some of their OWN money on giving their cared-for step children lovely experiences that they're ridiculous, daft or whatever else she's been called. The Step Dad would be getting shit for not caring about his SC (strangely enough, as the OP is also on here despite her generous contribution because they are a FAMILY UNIT.)

I'm assuming OP is smart enough to have discussed finances before agreeing to have a baby. She has already stated she can afford this on her own. Her partner has debt which she knew about and as an adult, that is her decision.

OP and her OH have tried to see children more. EX said no. Children are happy at both houses and have a similar standard of living.

EX and AP decided to have another child despite her not even being able to afford to pay her debt but that's ok?? Of course not, OP's OH should find more money than the extra 50% CMS he already pays (including the added extras) because the ex doesn't want to change her lifestyle despite having another child which now means she has to work less (which she knew). AS an aside, OPs OH has saved the ex getting a bad credit rating by doing this.

It's not ex's or AP responsibility - it's only OP's DP who is the disgrace here and OP is just a fool.

@Nastyurtium I agree that you should not pay anything above what you have been, particularly as you are trying for your own baby (it's awful some people think everyone can have babies but you just because your OH has debts! Everyone else in this situation is allowed 3/4 kids despite the fact they can't afford them!). You sound like a fantastic step mum and I'm sure you will be a wonderful Mum.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 18:08

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:06

@Nastyurtium As a household we’re completely fine and have a good lifestyle

So you're doing really well as a household, you know she is struggling to meet costs as she's told you, yet you STILL begrudge giving her a little more? Wow

Why should she give her more? The kids are not her responsibility. Don't you get it? They have two parents. One of who has decided to work less and have another child and is now complaining about money.

amiold · 22/03/2023 18:08

Absolutely not.

She's getting her debt paid off and getting what the cms say. Does she do any drop off/pick ups? I'll bet not.

It's up to their partner to provide for the new child and if that's meant she can't work then that's on him.

As for pp mentioning things going up and cost of living .. it's gone up for everyone not just resident parents.

Frankola · 22/03/2023 18:08

So essentially she has had another child with someone else and she couldn't really afford to so she's skimming your DP for extra money...

Nope. Along as he's paying cms for HIS kids appropriately and has contact etc then I wouldn't.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 22/03/2023 18:10

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:06

@Nastyurtium As a household we’re completely fine and have a good lifestyle

So you're doing really well as a household, you know she is struggling to meet costs as she's told you, yet you STILL begrudge giving her a little more? Wow

So would I when she doesn't work, can't afford the kids she has already, but decided to get knocked up with her affair partner.

She needs to pull her big girl pants up and fund herself, or stop having kids she can't pay for...not sponge off OP because OP happens to be dating one of the father's of her kids.

ItsTimeToWine · 22/03/2023 18:12

Sounds like the cheeky chancer wants to carry on having kids and not working at your expense. He's also paying their joint debts too, she's taking the piss. Reiterate the offer to have the kids more and leave it at that. You shouldn't be subsidising kids that aren't yours and nor should your partner for that matter. Sounds like she couldn't afford another child, didn't stop her though.

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:13

@TwinsAndTiramisu I'm sorry but what the resident parent does and how she lives her life is absolutely nothing to do with anything! The absent father has a legal responsibility towards his children!!!! There's no getting away from that I'm afraid

JennyDarlingRIP · 22/03/2023 18:14

So many people don't read the OPs comments he pays
£400 CMS
£400 joint debts (£200 of which ex should be paying
Half of uniforms trips etc
He earns £2400 a month.
He is doing renovation work to OPs house that she says it's worth approximately 20% of its value.
The fact OP pays more towards living costs is because she earns more, and type very kind OP to treat your partner's children with generosity, this is so important.

If she asks for more (remember it's if at this point), in his shoes I would say ok pay your £200 a month off the joint debt and I can give you £200 more for the children, because essentially by paying that he is giving her £200 more in her pocket anyway.

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:14

@Fluffodils I never said OP should give her anything! I'm talking about the children's father! It's actually NOTHING to do with OP. It's between the children's parents

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:17

@Nastyurtium perhaps OH will consider increasing his maintenance, but as we may have childcare costs by then, I doubt it. His ex will just have to tighten her belt like everyone else.

I'm sorry but your own expenses absolutely should not have anything at all to do with what maintenance your boyfriend pays! His first children are his priority. Especially as he's not there full time.

I'm hiding this thread now. The vile vitriol being spouted by the jealous step mums on here is sickening. Thankful that I'll never ever have to go through this with my child

Ladybyrd · 22/03/2023 18:18

If you're subsidising him, he can't afford what he's already paying, which is more than she is entitled to with the loan repayment. I'd tell her if his wages increase, of course he'll give more, but until that happens, he can't.

Survey99 · 22/03/2023 18:21

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us.

Sounds like you and he are living well beyond his means.

That doesn't mean his ex should have had another baby she can't afford and he should subsidise it, but understandable he could find it difficult to see his own children go without due to his ex's life choices. If he was living alone he could have the choice to live on beans on toast and give what he wants to his kids, but living in a partnership with someone else who has their own lifestyle needs/wants, that choice is taken away from him somewhat.

You got together with a man with children and this is one of those difficult situations that you need know all the facts, if the kids are being significantly impacted or just can't afford the latest iPhone, then search your soul and your own conscience of what is right or wrong. It is not something anyone else can tell you the answer to.

This is why I would think very hard before getting together with any man with children.

aSofaNearYou · 22/03/2023 18:25

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:17

@Nastyurtium perhaps OH will consider increasing his maintenance, but as we may have childcare costs by then, I doubt it. His ex will just have to tighten her belt like everyone else.

I'm sorry but your own expenses absolutely should not have anything at all to do with what maintenance your boyfriend pays! His first children are his priority. Especially as he's not there full time.

I'm hiding this thread now. The vile vitriol being spouted by the jealous step mums on here is sickening. Thankful that I'll never ever have to go through this with my child

Funny that you have the nerve to talk about "vile vitriol" whilst arguing his first children should always be his first priority if he has more.

Their expenses do come into it if he's already paying above what he's required to pay.