To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

I don't think this comment is fair. It's up to the OP to decide how she views their household finances and how she spends her money. How would you feel if your higher earning DP withheld money for you and your needs if you were a lower earner or earned less due to caring responsibilities for DC?

So many double standards on MN.

@Nastyurtium I can see you are quite the lovely person. But boy, are you naive.

We're all trying to warn you of the inevitable path you're about to embark on, but you're too loved up to hear it.

Please, put a stop to this. And you're not doing anything wrong by that. You're actually making it right.

He's already being very generous. They only take the biological parents earnings into account anyway. Not your joint income. What you earn is nothing to do with her.

I don’t think it’s at all obvious that he should pay more. His Ex has made decisions that have impacted his ability to earn and look after them. He pays CMS plus half of school uniform and trip costs and he’s paying off her half of their joint debt (I dont’ think this is irrelevent to CMS question - it’s money she should be spending and isn’t).

Providing you would be happy to take them full time, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell her you aren’t prepared to pay more.

Some quite nasty comments on here. Telling the OP that her partner and stepchildren aren’t her family, really @CoffeeBean5? If she’s happy with her financial set up, it’s not really the issue. She asked for advice on her partners ex claiming more maintenance, not a list of what she’s doing wrong.

Why are people acting like every other household in the world but the OPs works on a 50/50 split of finances?

That's certainly not the way it works in my home.

Is my partner naive? Should he LTB? Am I rubbing my hands in glee? Must my vagina be in tiptop shape for him to put up with it?

Wild.

YANBU. If they were cash strapped, that's one thing, but the fact that they're taking multiple holidays indicates they aren't.

If it would effectively be coming out of your pocket, that means he can't afford to pay any more. And how would he manage if he was living alone if you're having to subsidise his salary?

If he is paying what he should be, it would be a polite no from me. It's gone up for everyone.

We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time.

Reiterate this though.

It would be completely different if they had children together. OP’s boyfriend’s cheating ex is probably laughing. She doesn’t have to pay for holidays, uniform or hobbies for her dc because her ex’s new girlfriend is funding all of that.

Apart from when she says "No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it."

This, with bells on.

They’re not her stepchildren because she isn’t married. They have two parents who can pay for their things, but they don’t. They rely on OP. Don’t you see that OP is being taken advantage of financially?

I would do this too - I’d offer regularly anyways if thats what you want.

If they decline then they can’t claim more money. (Or so it used to be, anyways!)

Only - the £400 is for the joint debt that OH's ex apparently can't afford to pay, not maintenance, which kind of knocks a huge whole in your "evil" comment!!

he’s not able to pay for his children when they are living with him, and that you are needing to fund the extras.

This

Why are you complaining about the mother when their father needs you to subsidise his lifestyle?

Plus most likely he still might be living with his children's mother if she had managed to accidentally let another man's penis fall into her vagina!!

And she’s happy with that. You’re just stirring the pot.

Now you've mentioned he's paying all their joint debts, if their DM asks for more money he needs to tell her it's not possible- the extra £200 he pays out for her each month means he has nothing to give her. Don't allow him to cut back on what he pays at home Op, he's paying too little already, what the Hell would happen if you lost your job and couldn't shell out for everything

he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month,

then he can't increase the maintenance - end of

He pays the the recommended cms of 400 a month , buys half of uniforms and school trips and also pays 400 a month on joint debt so saves her 200 a month on that. I think that's enough as it doesn't sound like she's living in poverty

This.
You shouldn’t be funding it he should, but as a parent in the other position the CMS calculation doesn’t make any true consideration for the “luxuries” like school residential, phone contracts, sport subs etc. if he can only provide 50% of the basic costs he legally has to pay, then all I would say is the coparenting relationship will only get even more hostile when she finds out he will be having another child

I agree with this. I'm baffled why everyone is effectively calling him a waster.

He has his kids what works out at 1.8 days per week (when taking account of half school holidays), pays £400pm maintenence, £200 towards his ex wife's debts, pays half of trips/uniform etc. He pays his and ops household expenses proportionally to their earnings, renovates a house of which he owns only 10‰ (which will increase the value of it for both of them). He also has a job which when they have a child will allow him to do more of the childcare/pickups etc

To me that is very far from being a waster. He sounds like a decent bloke

No, don’t give a penny more. Sounds like you both are contributing more to his ex than required.

Posts like this make me very glad I’m not in a blended family situation. It sounds so difficult and full of land mines to navigate.

Especially since you’re now trying for children, no need to meet her over the top demands.

Have the CMS figures risen in the last 3 years, despite the fact that absolutely every other cost and bill has? As I understand it the CMS amount is a bare minimum figure. If your OH can afford it and is sure the money is being used for the kids benefit then I’d be inclined to offer more. I understand his commitments mean you contribute more to the family pot but surely this was something you knew when you got together?