To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

Its always the same on here

Ops dp doesn't sound like a bad man or father yet she shouldn't have children with him 🙄

I've not seen anyway bring up the fact that she left because she was shagging about and took her children to live with the ap straight away!

If you are a single mother on here and you introduce the kids to a new partner before a year into the relationship you get your arse handed to you

I am a bit torn on this because of unknowns that you don't know either. First, the debt. If he is earning the same or more now than what he was earning when they were together, that debt is mostly food, heating, children stuff, clothes, transportation costs, school costs, etc. But possibly she spent a lot more on just herself. IDK and neither do you. But if it is household debts, since their arrangement was that she stay home and he pay the bills, then he should be the only one paying the debt. And household debt does include her having some clothes and fun sometimes, just not extravagant. I am sure he did.
Child maintenance. 400 is a laughable amount. I don't care what you claim, you can't support 3 kids on 800, which is what the amount would be if she matched his. And sure, you all feed them every other weekend and on some holidays. But that is nothing compared to every day. He gets them, what, 80 days per year? 100 being generous? That still leaves more than 250 days on her plate alone. So, let's say that his load is 400 and hers is 600. You still can't really raise 3 kids on 1000 per month. Not without being in poverty conditions. You also don't know that her newer car cost more than yours. My car goes for 12000-14000 on average and I paid 6500 plus about 1000 on repairs.
And you are probably 100% percent correct that her new man is not paying for things for the kids. You also cannot know how much the trips they are taking cost. There are tons of ways to travel low cost if you want to badly enough.
I am really torn because I am heavily of the belief that parents who have limited or no custody of their kids should be paying a lot more than they do in child maintenance or support. Because they are also usually not doing sick days, doctor/dentist/eye/etc visits. They are not putting in the day-to-day work. They aren't doing nearly as much cleaning, cooking, etc. And they certainly are not putting in 50% of the childcare duties. We can claim "they said no" all we want, but that is what courts are for.
I cannot tell you how many times some man told me fairy stories about his ex, especially if they had a child together and how many times he was exaggerating if not outright lying. And maybe your guy is not this, but frankly, most people, even the nicest, downplay their bad role in past relationships and exaggerate how bad their ex was.
It is up to you if you want to fund his lifestyle, including the one he had previous to you. Unfortunately, there are a lot of things you don't know and possibly never will. I also have a heavy bias, so I am inclined to side with her on the kids needs vs what he and yourself think they need and how you all think she should run her life.
You should know that I was going to be way more on you and your OH side until you plopped down the number of 400 for child maintenance for 3 kids, even if he does have them around 27% of the time. And let's all be honest, that high percentage probably has more to do with you than him.

Finally some common sense. Not every man is bad and every woman is a martyr.

@Nastyurtium apologies I've only skim read after the first few pages but just wanted to say you sound like you have your head screwed on and are a really kind and generous person. The children are lucky to have you as a SP.
I would think it is an absolute no to any future additional request for money, you are not a walking bank for this woman. Also I think as others have probably said, it's actually very little to do with the costs of things increasing but more to do with the extra children she's knocking out (except like you've said if OH wants to give more when debts are paid but even then 😬)
Enjoy your renovated home and good luck with TTC xx

This isn't really a nice judgement to make, is it.
Are you and everyone in your world, baggage and history free?
I sure wish my ex was more like him.

@Nastyurtium in fact your OH sounds like a dad doing his best for his kids and also considerate and supportive of his ex partner.
He's a keeper ❤️.
Setting a great example that he's in it for the long stretch when you have your own child👏🏻.

baggage free...no. But most of us women here haven't left three kids behind us and moved on to try and make a new family with someone with more money.

We can judge.

The ex wife left with their 3 kids and moved in with her affair partner, then had another baby with him, then used the baby as an excuse why she needs more money as she can’t work as much.

We can judge.

He's a cocklodger who has kids he can't provide the recommended amount for AND pay his debts AND fund his current lifestyle without it being supplimented by the OP.

OP has allowed a situation to arise where he's effectively not paying his way. And she's so committed to him she wants a change with him.

The problem here is that he's living beyond his means and you enable this.

And you now want his kids / mother of his kids to take the financial hit for him choosing to led a lifestyle with you that's beyond his means.

You need to scale back your ideas of what he can afford or accept that you will have to fund it. You can't take away from the kids on the days they aren't with you, just so you can have this lifestyle.

He can't afford the lifestyle you want without you funding it. You need to consider downsizing to satisfactionllly

I’m baffled by this attitude.

The information required to check out the CMS calculations is all here.

He is providing for his children. If his ex wasn’t so irresponsible and was paying her part of the joint debts instead of having a child she can’t actually afford, then he would be able to contribute more to the children directly. But either way he’s contributing above and beyond.

I guess it's up to him what he pays to his family but it's up to you about how much you want to be involved in this financial scenario. I think if you're getting annoyed now then you should think again about having a child with this man and bringing a 5th child into this family financial mix.

Spot on 100%

The court has no jurisdiction for maintenance alone when the NRP earns less than 3k per week UNLESS there are special circumstances such as a severely disabled child. You are indeed chatting crap.

He does pay the recommended amount as set by CMS plus an additional £200 debt to cover his ex wife's portion of a debt she says she can't afford. The ex wife is not taking a financial hit. Where did you get that from? She's not meeting her own obligations by paying for a joint debt yet decided to have another child.

Oh and on top pays for extras too

But her current partner is the father of her latest baby surely and he is responsible for it financially. The ex isn’t financially responsible for some other man’s child.

Oh dear…..
This is what happens when you get with someone who already has kids from a prior relationship.
Those kids are HIS responsibility financially, not yours and not for you to interfere with any decision.

True. I don't agree with a lot of these comments. But OP should of really thought about having a baby with this man. Everyone is entitled to move on of course I don't know why MORE kids need to be added though ultimately it's not fair on them when it goes to shit.

I agree with everything here! The ex wife needs to get a job. She can’t afford a fourth child? Well that’s the dad (the affair partner) of that child’s responsibility, not OP and her boyfriend. OP also covers the costs of family holidays, school uniforms and hobbies for dc that aren’t hers, so the ex wife doesn’t really have much to pay for. I’m assuming the £600 from her ex, her affair partner’s financial contribution and her benefits will cover food, bills, and the holidays she seems to be able to afford.

I’m also confused why OP moved across the country and bought a house just for her DP to be closer to his dc.

Definitely not sounds like she needs to learn to live within her means. He is paying cms then contributing towards things the kids need and paying her half off the debt which sounds quite a bit if once the debt has gone he can up his contributions to your household by 25%. You have offered to gave the kids more guessing refused as her cms would reduce.

The ex sounds so money grabby. Reminds me off my brothers ex. On the cms calculator do you have recorded how many nights you have the kids. It reduces the payments. My brother had his a lot but she reported to cms he never had them. Also when they are 11 then can tell court where they want to live unless there are any real concerns court take into consideration.

He's paying his way to ex whilst living it up with new wife.

Her choice to have more children. He is paying the recommended level. My ex pays the recommended level and hardly ever sees the kids, but I wouldn't ask for more.

He’s paying what he can afford from his own income whilst also covering their joint debt. If OP wants to share her finances with him that’s her choice to so do so, but sharing her finances with him does not mean sharing them with his ex wife.

She left because she was having an affair and moved herself and the children straight in with the ap who she's had another child with

Yet he's the bad one?

And from what op has said she's living it up with her shag buddy