To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

I think any request for more money should be met with a firm NO!!
He’s already paying the recommended amount, plus clothes/shoes/school trips etc!!.. what is her new partner covering?!
He is also lying off her half of the debt, which he should get in writing and should actually be reduced each month off the child maintenance…. I’d have said right so my CM is £400, debt is £200, your debt that I’m paying for is another £200…. So I’ll pay the £400 debt plus £200 CM to you! Plus all the other extras that he doesn’t ‘have to’ pay for!
Her telling the kids that he can buy them this and that is disgraceful, I would very politely tell the children that Daddy pays mummy a huge amount every month and leave it there.
She sounds horrible tbh, clearly puts her own needs before the childrens, if she can afford another baby and several holidays a year then she doesn’t need more money, and quite frankly shouldn’t be dropping hints. I would get OH to politely reply to future ‘hints’ that he’s already paying her half of the debt and actually her finances are no longer his concern, he pays above what he needs to for the children and any future increases will mean less towards other things.

Presumably if he wasn’t spending so much time renovating the OP’s house he’d be able to further his career and increase his earnings and therefore the amount of maintenance?

£400 is not a lot for 3 children (debts aside as from your posts that ends soon). I think it’s incredibly unfair to have another baby when he’s not providing very much for the ones he’s already got - that goes for the ex too, but sadly you can’t control what she does only your own actions.

It doesn’t seem like your partner can afford another baby and it’s very unfair to refuse to increase maintenance to have another one instead of prioritising the children he already has! I can guarantee you won’t take on any of this advice though as your want for a baby trumps the needs of his existing children 🙄.

So op shouldn't have her own baby so the ex can get more money? Really 🥴

Them having a baby does not mean paying for it will come out of his income. Most likely, OP will pay for it.

She shouldn’t have a baby with a man who has existing children if it means the existing children won’t get sufficient maintenance no. It’s absolutely astounding some people don’t seem to recognise this. Other men are available!!

OP has said she doesn’t want the maintenance to be increased as they’ll have their own baby/childcare costs in future.

She’ll have a baby with the man she chooses to have one with, what you think she should do is irrelevant.

It isn’t her responsibility to either provide financially for his children (although she does), or to police his maintenance arrangement with his ex.

Oh I know she will! Because people in these situations tend to do whatever they want anyway regardless of the potential impact on existing children 🙄.

It’s not her responsibility no, but it’s pretty irresponsible to have another baby with a man who can’t provide sufficiently for the ones head already got.

YaWeeFurryBastard must be the ex.

The ex is irresponsible to have another baby if she can't provide financially for the ones she's already got. Don't see you commenting on that. Only the male as usual gets a bad rep

She’ll do what she’s fully entitled to do and have a child she can comfortably afford? Sure.

He is providing for the children he has, as well as paying off a joint debt. Given that the ex has only hinted at wanting to increase maintenance since having a new baby, it doesn’t seem like his contribution is in fact insufficient for his children.

@YaWeeFurryBastard it's not her responsibility to provide for the other three kids. Only her own. Kids in the second home don't decrease child maintenance much anyways as it goes - which is ridiculous in my opinion

Have you got first family syndrome?

Oh I’ve mentioned about the ex shagging about. I wasn’t very complimentary about it 🙈

Can’t you read then? Because I literally said that I’m my first post

“Much” being the operative word. Why should it decrease at all? The children have no say in this and it will be them that suffers. You could say it’s a coincidence with the new baby or you could say it’s because of the recent increase in cost of living?

I’m happily married to my first husband who’s got no previous kids 🤣 sounds like there’s an awful lot of resentful second wives on here though who should have chosen a man without kids and then wouldn’t have to worry about him daring to want to support them.

Anyone would think the cost of living increase would have been more manageable with three kids instead of four.

sounds like there’s an awful lot of resentful second wives on here though who should have chosen a man without kids and then wouldn’t have to worry about him daring to want to support them.

The problem is the second wives personally being expected to facilitate their husband paying maintenance for his kids. Either by subsidising it by paying extra for things in their household so he can pay more towards maintenance or by using her income to increase the amount he pays.

Your reply is very rude. To answer your question yes I can read. I am highly qualified surgeon working for the NHS. I was responding to the quote as I saw it. If you mentioned in previous quotes about that then I didn't read it.

To elaborate on what I said incase you didn't quite understand, you commented on the ex husband not being able to afford kids he already has. I commented that the ex wife shouldn't have had another baby if she couldn't afford the kids she already has. And who the OP has a child with is absolutely none of your business.

I don't get how OP's partner is getting more flack here than the partner's ex, who is leeching off OP for their joint debt, has chosen to have another baby, and also chosen to not work for years/hardly work. OP's partner does work, is paying what he's been told to, and more for the debt from assets he no longer has access to. He is literally paying for his ex's car ffs. Why shouldn't he have another child if he wants one when his ex has had one she can't afford? She needs to get a proper job and learn to manage her finances better.

Are you suggesting siblings suffer by virtue of having a sibling? The pot is only so big irrespective of whether it’s a half sibling or a full sibling.

I think your partner needs to get a bit of self respect. There is no way that I’d allow my partner to fund or facilitate me paying for my kids, nor would me paying for my kids ever be dependent on my partners income. and yes he earns more and has offered but it’s a no from me. They are mine to financially support. He isn’t acting like a parent tbh.

You could just as easily turn that in its head.
My sons had no say in the existence of their elder half sister either, and would have a higher standard of living materially if she didn't exist.
Not allowed to say that though, as that would be out of order. Blowed if I know why the sentiment is widely seen as acceptable towards younger kids.

Your son didn’t have a say, but you did on his behalf. You could’ve chosen a man with no children and given your child a higher standard of living materially if you wanted to.

Your maths is wrong - it is not £55 per day. Whatever way you look at it £400 a month for 3 kids is nowhere near what they need. It might be what the CMS says but it does not cover half the expense of 3 kids.

If it’s all that’s available it has to.