To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

The father pays half for school trips and uniforms and he and the OP pay for extra curriculars and also have housing costs for the children, so those can come off your list. Also OP has said they have everything they need at their house so they also have clothing costs.
So really, the £400 is to cover his half of the extra food and clothes purely on the days that it is not the father's job to feed and clothe the child. Bearing in mind he pays half for uniforms and has them half of their non school days....

Please think long and hard before having a baby with this man. He sounds like a massive sponge.

I don’t agree that your other half should lay any more. He’s already paying over and above the amount on the calculation by paying half for school uniform etc which he doesn’t have to do (although it’s great he does!).

I am the receiver of maintenance and we are looking at an increase but only because what my daughter receives hasn’t changed for 8 years and it’s currently half the amount the cams suggest and although promises are made to split costs in half the money never comes.

In my view of a request is made the response should be no.

So many typos… sorry 🤦‍♀️

You see, I don’t see this. Yes the OP’s partner earns less than her, yet he pays for his children’s maintenance, pays off his bad debt and contributes to the household finances. The OP owns 90% of the house, therefore should pay 90% of the mortgage. Yes the bills, food etc should be split as equally as possible, however if the roles were reversed I very much people would be saying “she’s a massive sponge, don’t have kids with her”.

He also puts in lots of hours renovating the house, saving £1000s of which 90% financially OP gets the benefit of. You aren’t all jumping on her saying she should pay for his labour. In a relationship, when building a life together everyone brings different things to the table to make the relationship work and be fair. Yes the OP might bring more money, however the OP’s partner is contributing through his time and skill working on the house. Surely to a certain extent their finances should be joint household income, they are obviously in a serious relationship and want to build a family together.

My partner also earns considerably less than me ( 3 time ) and I pay 85% if the household stuff , while he has always paid child maintenance for his kid himself I truly believe it’s up to both parents to help each other and I have recently suggested that I start paying the internet so he can increase CM a bit ( he pays more than he should already but cost of living is a thing to everyone ) his ex was actually fair and told us to just send the child ( now a teen ) more money directly so he can get his clothes himself and that way decrease her costs so we have been sending a extra £60 ( my stepson lives in another country so would be equivalent to £100 or thereabouts ) .
Its all about balance

People are bonkers ! The ex is also responsible for housing the children and herself as well, ops dp isn't responsible for her! If she didn't have children she would still have housing costs etc for herself

She also has a partner living with her who is responsible for his housing /cost of living and responsible for the baby who is also living in the house!

If £400 is all he pays for 4 kids and he only sees tem twice a months in 2 weekends then with all due respect he should be paying more as that is not enough

Try reading the thread or at least OP’s posts.

Children are a joint responsibility. Both parents choose to have them, both parents should support them. We are in a very similar situation to you OP, same arrangements, payments are over CMS levels and we still buy school schools, trainers, school trainer, pay half for trips, etc. in the same way you do. Same situation with time spent, etc. We live closer though (30 mins) and, as they have 2 other DC (we don’t) we do all the collect/drop off as it just makes it easier for them in terms of bed/bath, etc for their other DC.

Both households have similar incomes, me and ex’s DH are main earners, but my DH and ex earn around the same as each other too. Both I and ex’s DH spend money on SS too as we both love him, so why would we not? We even had his brother at ours and fed him one afternoon last week, it really doesn’t always have to be that bloody difficult if everyone just tries to be reasonable, after all the children didn’t bloody choose this and it’s about them, not what the adults want to try and have control over. Control is ALWAYS the thing that causes problems in separated families!!!

Sounds like with him paying her half of the debt too, on top of all of the maintenance and paying for half of activities, uniform, etc. that you are being very fair to maintain a workable relationship. Therefore I would politely say no if asked. After all your household costs have also increased.

No, you’re not being unreasonable. If his ex was paying equally towards the shared debt then yes it would be fair for her to ask for more as the primary residence. She isn’t so it stays the same until the debt is paid. You should not have to pay for for your partners children.

It's 3 kids not 4

@Harriyet & @coffeecupsandwaxmelts
Agree 100% with comments from above posters.

So he earns £2400pm net out of which he pays £800 leaving £1600 to contribute to his own home expenses. That's about £400pw. Surely that's enough for two people to live on if the OP, the higher earner, paid the mortgage. Even if the OP earned the same as her partner, their monthly income minus his CM is £4,000 Even counting mortgage repayments and bills for 2 working people (at least one not WFH) that's a good income.
I certainly don't think the OP should make up the extra CM his ex is asking for.
I'd never get involved with a partner's CM payments...ever, nor their debts.
Luckily I never fell for men who had children before meeting me. Too much aggro over everything.

Mum also gets £216.97pm child benefit. If she can't afford the kids she has then she shouldn't be having more.

It doesn't matter if the mum is a millionaire, a father is equally responsible for his children.

As PP has said, imagine if you weren’t around! His ex would be absolutely screwed.

No, she’s not paying off the joint debts because she says she can’t afford to and defaulting would impact OH’s credit rating too, so he’s just paying it. It should be cleared in a few years at which point he’ll a more equal amount to our household’s costs.

on one of ops posts. Ex partner isn't paying any of the joint debts, he's paying it all.

Or, and this is a wild idea, instead of being a sahm and having another child she can't afford the mother could get a job and support her own children 🤔

Exactly this ! It's like dads aren't allowed to have another relationship once they have kids, even if the first one ended due to no fault of their own !

Each to their own but if I wanted to start a family it wouldn’t be with a man with 3 children (primary age), debt and no way of funding a new life with me. 🤷‍♀️

Hes providing £600 pcm, He’s also buying extras, what about that is unequal?

She earns double what her partner earns, not they partners ex and new partner earn. And no, cam is based on a percentage of the non resident parents earnings, an increase in costs for the resident parent has absolutely no effect on maintenance.

It’s honestly getting on my nerves this. If this was a man earning double his girlfriend and insisting she paid 50:50 into a house she didn’t own and had no financial recourse to everyone would be up arms about it and telling her to get her ducks in a row. It’s the complete misandry (which I’ve just had to look up the word for 🤣)