To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

CM on that wage and contact pattern is £972pcm. Not £400. Have you made a typo?

No, OH earns under half that. But many PP have commented that any partner I have should earn the same as me and pay 50/50 to our house (which is not the case for the vast majority of relationships).

Ah ok, the way you worded that post confused me!
I agree about the 50/50 thing. My DH now earns around double what I do (used to be roughly the same before kids) and we still pay 50/50, which I find hugely unfair. It's sometimes like he's living a parallel life, rather than us both being in it together. So we are now in the process of rejigging how we arrange our finances, as it sort of crept up on us and it's only really come to a head now I'm on maternity leave again and I've personally ran out of money while he's sitting pretty!
Not sure I'd be doing what you're doing pre marriage though, but as long as you are still comfortable that the main thing.

Really? Every benefit?

I highly doubt that but regardless whatever the mother does or does not do the father still has equal financial responsibility for his children.

Which actually, as many PP have worked out, when you deduct the time they aren't in her household, works out at £55 per day for them. And don't forget that's only his contribution, she's got to pay for her own children as well which seems to get entirely forgotten.

That is hugely unfair! Good you’re getting it sorted.

If I was just paying the majority of a shared rent, or our house was owned 50/50, then I’d agree I’d be getting a rough deal. But the extra I pay goes into the mortgage of an asset which is mostly mine. Then the extras I pay for the children is through choice. I have protected myself and I am comfortable with it all.

In a few years our position will be different (he’ll have paid off the debt, we may have a child, we may get married) and we’ve agreed to look again at our finances and will reassess what’s fair at that time.

The only thing I was feeling guilty about was whether it was unfair not to give his ex more money, but this thread has helped me see the light.

I disagree with posters saying that you should run for the hills, OP. You’re financially savvy and you’ve made a choice to contribute more/provide extras for the children when they’re at your house. You’re not being tricked into doing this, it’s your choice and why shouldn’t you?!

Many people love and spoil their partners and children who aren’t their own. You’re not being taken advantage of, you own the house , for example, and he’s working on it.

You’re financially savvy

😂😂 😂

Yep, heaven forbid the children’s mother should make a contribution!

It’s not equal though if one party is reliant on the state and the CMS though is it?

She is, she’s choosing to be this generous, isn’t she? No one’s making her.

Plus they’re not married so he has no financial claim on her assets.

I think some posters find it hard to understand that I love the children and enjoy spending time with them.

Even if OH and I split tomorrow, I don’t think I’d regret anything. I am not bitterly pining to go on holidays alone - I actually prefer it with all of us!

@Nastyurtium Exactly! You know what you’re doing and you’ve agreed to it. You’re entitled to spend your money as you wish.🤷

Could you feed, clothe, house, pay for a club/hobby/swimming lessons and care for 3 children on £400 per month? The CMS was not set up to serve mothers and children. The figures are the bare minimum. If his ex didn’t have a new partner she would be in poverty.

If his ex didn’t have a new partner she would be in poverty.

Or she could get a job.

its not supposed to fully support a child; it’s their contribution alongside the other parent.

In any case, it’s still not the responsibility of OP. The child is the responsibility of their parents.

No but I could on £1200 which is Dad’s contribution PLUS the same from Mum.

Why is the CMS figure always put across as the total available with no expectation on the other parent to provide?

The OP shouldn’t be paying anything towards someone else’s children. Yes, you’re right - it’s a contribution - could you feed clothe, pay for swimming lessons, school trips and house 3 children for £800 if both parents paid £400. I don’t think OP should pay towards anything however the ex’s new partner seems to be paying more for this man’s children. It’s complicated but £400 is not enough to pay for children!!

There are also child care costs - nurseries, after school etc - would £400 cover that? I know these kids don’t need that because ex is a SAHM but would £400 cover that?

There are also child care costs - nurseries, after school etc - would £400 cover that? I know these kids don’t need that because ex is a SAHM but would £400 cover that?

well this is just the father’s contribution, don’t forget the mother should contribute too. But if the father has poorly paid job, then there’s not going to be much money for the children, whether they’re a together or separated family. Somehow separated fathers are expected to pull rabbits out of hats financially, whereas in a together family they just budget with the available funds.

Just say no. You can reiterate you’ll have the kids more then it’s her choice.

When you think it couldn’t get any crazier 🤣

Dad contributes £600 a month to his ex wife towards his children’s keep (£400 directly to her, plus paying £200 for her half of their shared debt), ex wife should also contribute £600 so that’s a combined total of £1200. The OP mentions that the youngest gets 30 hours free childcare and as the Mum is a SAHM she shouldn’t require any wrap around childcare. Thats more than fair for 3 children with no childcare costs. Plus she gets the child benefit.

I’m not sure why everyone is being so hard on the ex-husband (OP’s partner). His ex wife had an affair and left him, then moved the children across the country and the OP and her partner had to move too to accommodate the Ex-wife’s wishes. OP has mentioned that this has limited their earning potential, so why on earth should he pay more? Equally they’ve offered (and would actually prefer) a more equal custody split, the Ex wife doesn’t want this, therefore she should foot the additional costs without demanding more maintenance. The ex wife could have got a job to support her kids, she choses not to work.

If the boot was on the other foot and this was a woman who’s husband had an affair, he then left her, shacked up with OW, demanded more maintenance whilst also withholding equal custody, having made the ex wife move across the country to be near her children (hampering her career in the process) which she only got to see every other weekend people would be up in arms at the injustice of it all.

Just want to note that debts made by the pair of them being paid by your partner should be counted as special expense and deducted from the maintenance calculation. The days you provide and have the children should be deducted from maintenance also. YANBU - I would be asking my partner to pay 50/50 for your costs together as a house, his kids, his responsibility. The second you let things slide, you'll be the doormat or cash machine for the lot of them.

I cant stand women who crack open their legs and catch a jackpot from a partner and the biological dad! We're all struggling with money. Tough shit.

You shouldn't be paying anything for his kids at all. I don't understand that part. They ain't your kids to be paying for their costs hols etc. If things need paying it should only be him.