To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

Put the claim in anyway and see what happens.

This is the concern. It was a huge debt on an awful rate, but he’s in the final stages of it now, and doesn’t want his credit rating affected by her saying she’ll pay then not, and I don’t know that she’d be able to take out any separate credit to pay off her share so they could close the joint one.

I also don’t want to get into any discussions about what she feels entitled to over CMS, or formalise anything, because she tends to lay on the guilt and be a victim. This is probably outing but she’s likely to have another child too as she’s apparently desperate for a girl and now has four boys. That’d mean needing a bigger house eventually I just don’t want our household to keep paying more indefinitely.

I can’t disagree with the first bit.

Realistically though, getting to court could take 6-12 months, it would ruin the distant but cordial relationship we have and she’d probably start withholding access, fighting with us and upsetting the children. At the time of their split it was felt better that she moved to be close to her family so they could provide childcare (which they do - a lot), and nobody expected her partner to stick around (he was OH’s friend originally) so he wanted her to have the car and furniture for the children’s sakes.

If he’s struggling to afford his first children then maybe he should think twice about having more. I appreciate he is paying debt that isn’t all his which is unfair and once paid off could be used for another child but I still think £400 a month for 3 kids is not enough and when they are teenagers they eat money. If I was OP I’d be off and running but I know it’s not always that simple for some people.

I still think £400 a month for 3 kids is not enough and when they are teenagers they eat money

Amazing how many people know better than the CMS.

If the ex is struggling to afford her first children then maybe she should have thought twice about having another! The DP hasn't had another child yet!

I guess their mother will have to get a job then instead of living off her partner and ex partner.

Noone would ever ask that about a woman's wage. Only when it's a mans. Some equality here

If she was a SAHP with 3 DC at the time how can it be considered her debt?

From what OP said, it’s unclear what the debt is. It could’ve been household bills, food shopping, for all we know.

OP you seem to have a very negative attitude towards her, that will eventually affect the DC.

You're a step parent to 3 primary-school age kids, you earn double your partner's salary and shell out for 75% of outgoings. In other words the point of reason was passed many moons ago so it's basically open season - if you wanted your partner to address you as "Queen Nastyurtium" that would be perfectly fine in my book! Your partner has no idea how lucky he is - this is a real life unicorns are real type of deal he's got going with you.

@Nastyurtium you DONT have to do this. He’s not the last man on earth.

find someone without the baggage and someone who pays his own way
AND has enough leftover to help or treat you from time to time

why are you paying for his kids holidays? Why are you putting his family before yourself

honestly, this is a bad deal and you deserve better than this

Rubbish

£400 for 3 kids is an absolute pittance.

She's hardly living off her ex at £400 per month for 3 children. I dont know anyone who could feed, clothe, provide a home, childcare, school runs etc nevermind pay the gas bill for £4.30 a day per child.

It's the dad that is the cf. Taking the piss out of his ex and the OP

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 @Nastyurtium I’ve said the same thing to you a couple of times on this thread abs you’ve ignored it. I honestly don’t want to see you back here when his debt is paid saying DP doesn’t want to have another baby. Get the freeloader out and get this drama out of your life. Not your circus, etc.

I know a lot. They apply for every benefit known to mankind and top up with child maintenance.

She has a partner who is earning though. She is in secure enough a financial position to decide to have another baby with that partner despite already having three children she says she is struggling to support. Of course you can’t rear three children well on 400 quid a month, though many of us were reared on that or less. However the father of the children is making the contribution he is required to make plus paying off the mother’s share of the debt. And I hate to say it but until she had another baby there was nothing stopping her getting a job

The 75/25 living costs split seems fair as you earn double his wage. This gives you both the same 'left over' the cm and debt are his responsibility so it's fair that comes out of his pot. The only issue I'd have is u paying for kids when they are at yours. He should be doing that. With regards to paying more cm, if he can afford to after he's paid for everything else (including covering his kid's expenses when with him) then that's his calll otherwise it would be a no from me.

Doesn’t mean she can demand more because she went ahead and had another baby with someone else…

It’s the amount the CMS says he should pay. She’s not supposed to keep them on that money, she’s supposed to pay the costs too. And she’s the one who’s chosen to have a fourth baby.

No he shouldn't pay more, £400 a month as his share towards providing for the children is fine. Especially if he is paying towards other larger costs in top. The mother should also be contributing to the costs of raising her children. She will also be getting the CB which should be going towards the children's costs. The only thing I would argue with is if there are any nursery/wrap around costs because I think it's disgraceful this isn't included in CMS calculations. Everyone is under pressure because of the cost of living crisis.

Exactly. I love how people suggest men just need to earn more but the women in the same circumstances just need to cut their cloth.

Meant to say, @Nastyurtium

DONT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY.

this situation will blow up and you’ll be saddling yourself with a world of pain that you won’t be able to escape. Ever.

It's not pittance, it's calculated off his gross income and based off what he earns. He also covers £200 of her portion of the debt on top. Plus extras. It's his contribution to his children, the man is not meant to pay for every single penny to bring them up. she also gets all of the child benefit, nor does it impact of any of her benefits she may be claiming. As someone else said it actually works out to be around £50 per day.

Maybe she would prefer that he goes onto benefits and pays £7 per week? At least he's working.

Some people will never be happy unless their ex funds them every single penny for their kids. Such a sexist society we still live in that still has the view the man has to pay it all.

And I hate to say it but until she had another baby there was nothing stopping her getting a job
Why do you hate to say that? Getting a job is what most people do when money is tight and they are not working.

To address a few points:

Living costs: the split would be fair even without the children because the house is primarily mine and I earn double. If we split, I have a big renovated house. He gets what he’s put in. My money is protected. The risk is to him doing unpaid work, but the current living situation benefits him more, so it’s balanced.

What I pay towards the children is the nice-to-haves. I love them and I am choosing to spend money on things like family holidays and days out because I want to. If I stopped, that’d be fine too. OH could afford their basic needs and keep up with his essential payments.

Animosity: we only communicate by email with his ex so the children shouldn’t be aware of it, however it’s hard to feel much empathy when you have young children coming out with “mum says you have lots of money and you like spending it so you need to buy us new football shoes” and “mum says dad doesn’t give her any money and he should.” I’ve tried to be friendly but she doesn’t seem to respect us and at this point it’s mutual. We are cordial.

I could afford a child by myself, but I don’t want to do that. And there’s other men available, but have you found one in their late 30s who is childfree but wants children, is kind and loving, wants a settled relationship, earns 80k yet is on flexible hours to do school pick ups, works full-time and is willing to do about 30hrs a week on top of that doing renovations, and has zero baggage lately? Yes, OH is lucky to have me, as are the children, but I feel lucky to have them too.