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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

629 replies

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 15:26

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 22/03/2023 19:44

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 22/03/2023 19:34

He got himself into thousands of pounds of debt along with his wife, has his children less than 1/3 of the time, pays the legal minimum child support, leaves his girlfriend to pay the rest of his expenses, and fucks around doing DIY instead of working to pay for himself. Jesus, raise your standards.

Show quote history

And another way of looking at it is that his ex wants to have more children but doesn’t want to work to support them so is looking for more from her ex to fund children that aren’t his.

Yousee · 22/03/2023 19:44

SchoolTripDrama · 22/03/2023 18:17

@Nastyurtium perhaps OH will consider increasing his maintenance, but as we may have childcare costs by then, I doubt it. His ex will just have to tighten her belt like everyone else.

I'm sorry but your own expenses absolutely should not have anything at all to do with what maintenance your boyfriend pays! His first children are his priority. Especially as he's not there full time.

I'm hiding this thread now. The vile vitriol being spouted by the jealous step mums on here is sickening. Thankful that I'll never ever have to go through this with my child

Congratulations on sharing one of the vilest, nastiest sentiments on the whole of Mumsnet.

I'll just tell baby DS he's out of luck, he's the youngest so we'll have to keep him in the cupboard and lavish the older ones with every luxury money can buy. 🙄

jemimapuddlepluck · 22/03/2023 19:47

I'm not a stepmother, just sick and tired of women being told that they need to be doing more. We always need to be doing more and giving more. Stepmothers especially. God forbid women have boundaries and stick to them.
OP I think its very nice of you to provide things for your OH's children but you don't need to. All you need to do is be welcoming and treat them kindly. Im not saying your partner is some evil genius but its human nature to take things for granted. Now would be a good time to sit down and talk about what he expects from you when you have your own child. I would start withdrawing financially now, as in paying for things directly and if you do a lot of the caring for them, pull back there also, gently. Because when you do have your own child, things will change, your priorities will change and you don't want to become resentful. Good luck.

TiredandHungry19 · 22/03/2023 19:47

OP both your partner and his ex are taking you for a mug, and she's taking him for a mug too. Do not give her a penny more. She got to keep the items they bought from they debt they racked up, that only your partner is now paying for, when she cheated on him. Now she's had another kid she can't afford and is obviously angling for more money? Absolutely not. If you intend to have a child with this man I would make sure financially you are completely able to raise the baby on your own and that you don't have mutual debt etc because if you do split he's sure as shit not going to be able to give you any money.

Pubesofsoberness · 22/03/2023 19:50

Yousee · 22/03/2023 19:44

Congratulations on sharing one of the vilest, nastiest sentiments on the whole of Mumsnet.

I'll just tell baby DS he's out of luck, he's the youngest so we'll have to keep him in the cupboard and lavish the older ones with every luxury money can buy. 🙄

Show quote history

That poster is just bloody odd, presumably they aren't going to say the same about the ex who has had another baby and is now moaning about not being able to work as much 🙄

theWarOnPeace · 22/03/2023 19:52

He’s paying off debt that he and ex accumulated while together and presumably the ex kept the assets that debt bought. The CMS calculation is based on his wage after living expenses. The fact that the OP earns more than him and pays most of those living costs is irrelevant because she is not responsible for paying for his kids. And where do you get the idea that he doesn’t have his kids, given that the OP clearly states that they do, and that they pay for everything when they do ?

I’m not saying he doesn’t have them at all, I said he doesn’t have to pay for them/house them etc when he does have them - the OP said she pays for everything when they’re there. So I’m saying he’s got a cushty little situation where the OP covers giving them a nice lifestyle. Which is lovely and I think the OP is being kind and generous - but I still maintain that £400 plus the £400 for debts doesn’t make the EXW some kind of money making winner in this situation. Op said re the debts they have nothing to show for it and were things like family holidays when her OH and his ex were together and ex was a SAHM.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 22/03/2023 19:52

I bet his ex has a string of dc at op's expense.. Meanwhile op won't be able to afford any!

GeorgeA12 · 22/03/2023 19:52

Does the child maintenance calculation take I to account the time that you both have the children? I.e it has been reduced to take this into account?

Emmamoo89 · 22/03/2023 19:56

YANBU. X

Pubesofsoberness · 22/03/2023 20:03

They have them every other weekend, the ex moved 90 mins away making any contact in the week difficult and she doesn't want that anyway

Kids are primary age so having them half the holidays as well is a benefit if you are the nrp , not many, if any do! I say that from experience as it cuts down holiday childcare which is bloody expensive

Pubesofsoberness · 22/03/2023 20:03

If you are the rp even !

BluetheBear · 22/03/2023 20:13

In this instance, whilst I understand the point that the ex's new baby technically is irrelevant, it's interesting that were the OPs partner and her to have another child, his CMS would reduce and the ex would be left to pick up the difference or the kids go without something because a half sibling has been born. The law recognises that another child is costing the NRP more so his existing children get a smaller slice and it just assumes the RP will make up the difference. I get why that can't work in practice but I've always felt it was extremely wrong that CMS can be reduced if the NRP even lives with a step child, let alone has another of their own, but if the RP has more, it's tough.

This makes sense because if the RP is having another baby it makes sense that this is the financial responsibility of her and her partner. NRP of the Oder children isn't financially responsible for them. If NRP had a new baby then it's his child so of course that could should be taken into account too.

Viviennemary · 22/03/2023 20:14

It's a difficult one. I think if you as a family are much better off than his ex morally speaking you should help out beyond the minimum CMS payment required. But up to you in the end. It's obviously causing quite a bit of resentment which isn't good.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 20:17

Viviennemary · 22/03/2023 20:14

It's a difficult one. I think if you as a family are much better off than his ex morally speaking you should help out beyond the minimum CMS payment required. But up to you in the end. It's obviously causing quite a bit of resentment which isn't good.

Morally OP doesn't have to help out at all and in fact some RP's would be unhappy with a new partner of their ex flashing their cash

funinthesun19 · 22/03/2023 20:20

Viviennemary · 22/03/2023 20:14

It's a difficult one. I think if you as a family are much better off than his ex morally speaking you should help out beyond the minimum CMS payment required. But up to you in the end. It's obviously causing quite a bit of resentment which isn't good.

I don’t agree that one woman has to prop another one up but never the other way around. If the ex was the higher earner she would never be expected to care about the OP and her household. So really why should the OP give ex a second thought when neither woman owes each other anything?

TheRealist · 22/03/2023 20:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fluffodils · 22/03/2023 20:22

funinthesun19 · 22/03/2023 20:20

I don’t agree that one woman has to prop another one up but never the other way around. If the ex was the higher earner she would never be expected to care about the OP and her household. So really why should the OP give ex a second thought when neither woman owes each other anything?

Show quote history

Yeah my DH's ex used to suggest I pay for things and I siad when she pays for my kid I'd consider it. I think then she realised how bonkers she was.

Pubesofsoberness · 22/03/2023 20:23

Well if the exs new partner already has children then his cms would go down not only because he has a new baby but because he's living with his new partners children . That's what's really wrong with the system!

BluetheBear · 22/03/2023 20:24

Viviennemary · 22/03/2023 20:14

It's a difficult one. I think if you as a family are much better off than his ex morally speaking you should help out beyond the minimum CMS payment required. But up to you in the end. It's obviously causing quite a bit of resentment which isn't good.

Disagree

some people have more money than others

it's not OP's responsibility to support her DP's ex or even his children

mybeautifuloak · 22/03/2023 20:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as we do not believe that the poster is genuine.

He's not paying £400. He's paying £600. £400 CMS and £200 which is his ex's share of the debt repayment.

Original poster
Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 20:25

It’s none of my business, but I do sometimes wonder what their financial situation really is. She’s never really worked, even before having children, except for herself on various non-profit making ventures and now for her partner’s company (so probably more tax-efficient), but previously OH just used to give her his wages and they were together since they were teenagers. He doesn’t really know what their joint debt is from.

I don’t think they got any more benefits from having another baby, because there’s already three at home, and I know their costs will have increased because they moved to a bigger home at Christmas ahead of the baby’s arrival. I do wonder if maybe her partner’s not willing to spend specifically on her children, because they’re always dressed very cheaply whereas the adults go out together a lot and spend a lot on couple holidays. I know her family pay for a lot towards the children and always have.

I can imagine her wanting to have a baby to cement her relationship, and not have to work, without really considering the financial implications… But this is just speculation, because as I said, outwardly our lifestyles are similar.

OP posts:
Pubesofsoberness · 22/03/2023 20:26

Viviennemary · 22/03/2023 20:14

It's a difficult one. I think if you as a family are much better off than his ex morally speaking you should help out beyond the minimum CMS payment required. But up to you in the end. It's obviously causing quite a bit of resentment which isn't good.

The op has said plenty of times that they seem to have similar lifestyles, although the ex goes on more holidays. It doesn't sound like thet are destitute

taxpayer1 · 22/03/2023 20:28

Pubesofsoberness · 22/03/2023 20:23

Well if the exs new partner already has children then his cms would go down not only because he has a new baby but because he's living with his new partners children . That's what's really wrong with the system!

How is that wrong? Poor man has to live too and support his new family.

TiredandHungry19 · 22/03/2023 20:31

Nastyurtium · 22/03/2023 20:25

It’s none of my business, but I do sometimes wonder what their financial situation really is. She’s never really worked, even before having children, except for herself on various non-profit making ventures and now for her partner’s company (so probably more tax-efficient), but previously OH just used to give her his wages and they were together since they were teenagers. He doesn’t really know what their joint debt is from.

I don’t think they got any more benefits from having another baby, because there’s already three at home, and I know their costs will have increased because they moved to a bigger home at Christmas ahead of the baby’s arrival. I do wonder if maybe her partner’s not willing to spend specifically on her children, because they’re always dressed very cheaply whereas the adults go out together a lot and spend a lot on couple holidays. I know her family pay for a lot towards the children and always have.

I can imagine her wanting to have a baby to cement her relationship, and not have to work, without really considering the financial implications… But this is just speculation, because as I said, outwardly our lifestyles are similar.

Probably all goes on credit cards etc which she’ll get the next poor sod to pay for when she has another affair

GingerScallop · 22/03/2023 20:31

Sugarplumfairy65 · 22/03/2023 15:45

The CMS level is the minimum that should be paid and this takes into account the number of nights spent with the nrp. Even paying for half the uniforms and trips won't be that much extra.
The resident parents income has nothing to do with how much maintenance is paid

True. The problem though is that he has nothing more to give. Op is already subsidising first wife by paying holidays and stuff. If there is no more money for her oh to give then that is it. She isn't obliged to cover the increased costs of living for a woman she was never married to