To say no to OH increasing child maintenance

[Nastyurtium]

Need a sanity check here.

OH pays maintenance at CMS level to his ex for their three children. We have them every other weekend and half the holidays and provide everything they need whilst they’re here, as well as paying half of school uniform and trip costs.

I earn double OH’s salary and pay around 75% of our household costs. He is paying off joint debt from his first marriage; I pay for the children’s holidays, clothes and hobbies whilst with us. We live ninety minutes from the children (his ex moved after the split and this is as close as we can be with OH working in his field - if we weren’t worried about proximity, we could both earn double living further away in the UK).

His ex has been commenting a lot on the children costing more as they grow up (they’re primary age), the cost of living going up and the fact that she’s had another baby so can’t work as much, and I’m expecting a formal request for more maintenance money soon. We have a cordial relationship. She has a partner, who is self-employed and she works some hours for his business. I don’t know a lot about their finances but they take more holidays than us and seem to have a similar lifestyle, albeit in a cheaper region. We’d happily have the children for more of the holidays or even full-time but this has always been refused.

AIBU to just say no? If OH was paying half our living costs, it’d be his choice, but he isn’t and has nothing left at the end of each month, so realistically any increase would be coming from my salary.

I don't think it really matters what the ex's situation is, what you earn or how you organise finances in your home. He's paying the bare minimum he's legally allowed to get away with towards his children's upkeep. Plus the odd bit of uniform. It's not unreasonable, especially in the current financial climate, for his ex to ask for more.

If he's a low earner, he could utilise some of the hours and skills he uses to increase the value of your property asset in order to better provide for his children.

You should be more concerned with your own relationship. Your boyfriend’s children dictate your entire life and he doesn’t even have them half the time, he has no money and you are subsiding him, there’s no sign of a commitment between you and you are voluntarily delaying motherhood to suit everyone else. Start putting yourself first!

Why? Because those children also have a nrp who should be paying towards them . Why should cms drop for your children because your ex decides to move in with someone who already has kids?

it's usually not until a woman marries a man with an ex wife and kids that they realize how badly the courts screw men over in divorce/custody/child support proceedings.

My dad had a previous wife and 2 daughters. My mom was out of work right after I was born and my dad was barely making enough money to cover our needs yet the courts decided he had plenty of money to pay alimony to his ex wife who simply didn't feel like working and made my dad pay college tuition for his first daughter even AFTER she turned 18 (which he was planning to do anyway).

My husband's brother is one of the nicest men I've ever met. A genuine empath, super positive, fun loving guy, great dad. His ex wife is a narcissistic psychopath. She quit her job as a full time nurse at a major US hospital to work 20 hours a week as a school nurse in the burbs. She takes him to court regularly wanting more and more money even though he already pays her $2500.00 a month in child support for 1 kid. He goes to her house to pick her up and sees paperwork on the table indicating that she's spent over $20,000 on new boobs and a tummy tuck. Then she says she can't afford groceries so he takes her shopping. Then he got a small raise at work, she immediately takes him to court and the court is like "yeah dad, pay more". She hardly works, has no bills (lives with grandfather so no rent or mortgage). It's insane.

He earns £1200 a month after tax? That's an appallingly low FT wage, about £12k a year, not even minimum wage I think, why is he earning such a pittance?

It is not the minimum that he can get away with. It is what the law dictates. It is already a big chunk of his salary. So much so that he cannot pay his own way with his new family.

That is a fair enough attitude as long as you don't also think stepparents should treat kids as their own.

Too much irrelevant back story.

If she has one, two, three or more babies and how many hours she works doesn’t not affect the fact that if she can demonstrate their children is costing more, the amount of child maintenance she would be receiving could potentially be adjusted.

I was not going to comment on your private lives but since you chose to share, I think you should have thought about it before choosing a man who has already 3 kids from a previous marriage. And you can’t be sure you can earn double if you lived further away - you can’t be really sure of that.

£133 per child, per month. Around £4.50 a day each. Doesn't sound a lot, does it?

Treating kids like your own isn't all about money

But there is something wrong with a system that means you can be a single rp and have your cms dropped because the nrp has moved in with someone who already has children, especially if that person is already getting maintanance for the children themselves

OP you already know this is unreasonable and your OH should be applying for a variation for the joint debt.

Similar scenario here - Mum had two more children and her OH fucked off before the birth of the second (he’d only been back long enough to impregnate her anyway) my DH has ended up contributing more to his already generous CMS (he’s a high earner and paying twice what your OH is for one) and she asks for extras on the basis she’s paying all the bills alone (she’s not, strictly speaking she doesn’t work so the tax payer is paying the bills). It’s infuriating as she is quick to tap Dh up whilst her ex, parent to her two young children, is unemployed and has sailed off into the sunset. My DH is an easy target, he won’t let his son go without, but in reality he’s subsiding the two other children too.

In this scenario you’re already like my DH and being taken advantage of. You really need to hold some boundaries if he wants to give more. In reality you’re giving more and he can’t make that choice for you. Want to work past retirement so his ex doesn’t have to? No. Me neither.

His first children are his priority.

So any subsequent children he fathers are of lesser status? Oh dear …

I read it that he earns CMS at £400 + £400 joint debt so around £2,400 pcm or £40k per year.

At the end of the day though it’s 3 children who have £400 a month to help

really the only people who lose out are the children….

I feel so blessed because my mum and dad divorced so amicably and they made sure that they didn’t fight or argue and made sure whatever happened that they loved me and made me happy

it was as perfect as it could of been

CMS isn’t based on actual costs, but a percentage of earnings, so no, the mother can’t claim more by showing the kids are costing more.

If OP is like me she will have a good idea of how much she can earn in a different county - you can be pretty damn sure when you’re getting tapped up on LinkedIn so frequently.

How do you release that equity without selling your home? In the short term that’s not at all helpful.

Who says these children know anything about the money?

You do realise that the majority of children are oblivious to any issues their parents have with maintanance right?

Haven’t RTFT. It sounds as if both you and the ex’s new partner are happy to subsidize the two parents’ lifestyles. That’s your choice and totally fine if you wish to do that.

But, as PP’s have pointed out, the parents are the ones financially responsible for their children so if more money’s needed, they’ll have to generate it. Either your DP will have to find ways to earn more or his ex wife will have to get a job.

You’re already being very generous ( as is the new partner from the sound of it).

Idk how anyone can think this guy is paying the bare minimum, he’s paying off a car debt that the ex has kept and isnt paying herself for no real reason and she only suddenly ‘needs’ more money now she’s has another kid and is too workshy to provide for it herself. She’s got OP’s partner wrapped round her little finger for sure.

I'm with you OP here. The mum is being unreasonable shared care enables the mother to work more.

Totally unreasonable. But this is not for you to be sorting out OP.

Oblivious to maintenance for sure

oblivious to animosity?very doubtful.

And whoever said that the partners income is used in maintenance cases. Is incorrect:….

I meant partners partners. So this lady and the others ladies husband. Their income doesn’t mean shit.

Not true at all