Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop doing DH's washing til he learns to wipe his arse?!

397 replies

AtTheEndOfMyWick · 22/03/2023 07:48

DH and I have a pretty even split of household chores, washing is my job as 1) he doesn't know how to do it and 2) I actually quite enjoy it (until it comes to putting clean clothes away but that's another story...)

We have 3 DC, ages 2, 4 and 6. So doing the washing for everyone is a pretty full on job. DH seems incapable of two things which make it harder for me - firstly he rarely empties his pockets, which I've warned him about so many times.

But the second thing- I have no idea how to approach with him. He has the world's worst skid marks in every single pair of boxers. I just don't understand. Our 2 eldest kids appear to be better at wiping their arsed than he is. It seems to have gotten worse in recent months and its at the point now where I'm sometimes greeted by inside out shit smeared undies when I open the laundry basket, and almost throw up.

Needless to say I've got a case of the ick and can't imagine doing anything close to sex with him as it stands. The whole thing just turns my stomach and I'm sick of it.

What do I do?! How do I approach this with him? Honestly at my wit's end.

OP posts:
iaapap · 22/03/2023 09:56

Medical/health conditions are completely irrelevant to this behaviour.

Firstly, the OP would have mentioned if her DH was physically or mentally unable to deal with his underwear.

Secondly, if he has a bowel condition, then that does not impact his ability to think: oh shit, there is a mess, I'd better deal with it. And you know what, when people are ill/disabled/incapacitated, they are usually apologising for the mess and are sorry that you have to help them clean it. I have cared for enough people, including adult bum wiping and cleaning adult shit off floors, walls, radiators and carpets and I bloody know that a health condition does not make someone into a disrespectful selfish shite. They will generally say I am so sorry but there is a mess I can't manage please can you help me. And then you help them, no big deal, no problem.

Lycanthropology · 22/03/2023 09:58

No idea why this is so hard to bring up.🤷🏻‍♀️
Recently we've had really pooey toilets. I told the family still at home (DH and 2 DDs) that the shit fairy had retired, so don't be revolting slobs and clean up your own blooming mess. It wasn't hard to broach or to say the words. Everyone denied culpability, but the situation improved.

You could address the situation to everyone generally, OP, so you're not picking on your DH. This will make the conversation much easier all round.
He is a bit revolting though, isn't he?

Goodread1 · 22/03/2023 09:59

I am soooo glad I am single and not married

📚 reading this Op profile,

These kinds of threads and similar ones just highlight,
to me, to not forget why sometimes or often it's better to be just single than end up with just anyone L.o.l 🤣🤣🤣

butterfliedtwo · 22/03/2023 09:59

In which case you educate him in how it should be done

There is zero chance I'd ever 'educate' a grown man about how to wipe his arse. Fucking hell, could the bar be any lower?

Dalekjastninerels · 22/03/2023 10:02

Goodread1 · 22/03/2023 09:59

I am soooo glad I am single and not married

📚 reading this Op profile,

These kinds of threads and similar ones just highlight,
to me, to not forget why sometimes or often it's better to be just single than end up with just anyone L.o.l 🤣🤣🤣

So am I

OP, your husband has no excuse not to have a clean bum.

Something to consider for you.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 22/03/2023 10:02

Pansypotter123 · 22/03/2023 08:54

If it was a medical problem then surely he'd notice when he was taking his underwear off and take steps to sort it - by going to see his GP (unless he's burying his head in the sand) but most definitely by sorting out the dirty washing. It's not as if he wouldn't be able to see & smell his mess. Get him to sort it out.

I called off an engagement because of this (amongst other reasons!). My dirty sod would even get into bed after going to the loo and leave marks on my lovely white sheets (quite thick sometimes too).

And I have a bidet so absolutely no need!

I once had a partner who would leave marks on the sheets too. Honestly, how can people think that’s remotely ok?

Oldnproud · 22/03/2023 10:06

Orangepolentacake · 22/03/2023 09:48

Good lord now we even need to teach them how to wipe their arses

Show quote history

Well, assuming that it's not a medical condition - which no, doesn't excuse his leaving the offending pants for his wife to deal with anyway - someone needs to educate him one way or another on how to clean his arse, given that he's still ignorant in this skill. Who else can do this now other than his nearest and dearest. I'm not suggesting that she go in the bathroom with him and help him to do it, but that doesn't mean that she can't point him in the right direction. Or ditch him.

CaroleSinger · 22/03/2023 10:07

GiraffeLaSophie · 22/03/2023 09:40

I find it hard enough to contend with that youngest DSD does this with her knickers- I can’t imagine how I’d feel if her dad did it too.

I can understand why you don’t know how to bring it up in conversation. He knows he’s doing it, it’s not like he’s oblivious, so it shows a real lack of respect.

So there's no chance there might actually be something wrong with his arse making it leak and he can't be in denial?

Zebedee999 · 22/03/2023 10:11

Prevention is better than cure: High fat diets can make poop more liquid and prone to smear instead of a "clean break". Try low fat diet and high fibre.

Possible solution: I knew a family who had a plastic bucket with lid full of (what I think was) a weak bleach solution. Anyone with skid marked pants or period pants etc had to put them in this bucket which was then emptied into the washer once a week. This way no one had to see others mess.

Orangepolentacake · 22/03/2023 10:11

ljbrad · 22/03/2023 09:05

I read recently that around 30% of men do not wipe or wash their butthole cos they think it's not a manly thing to do.... stories like this make me belive it 😨

Wtf?? Where did you read that???

Dangelis · 22/03/2023 10:12

I have known a couple of men life this.

I have this secret little trick I use, where I don't marry them.

Mum23amazingkids · 22/03/2023 10:14

Get him toilet wipes and if you fonte Nat a full on condition conversation about it then just tell him he must use them as you are tired if having to stain remove . I’m sure he will get the very direct indirect

GiraffeLaSophie · 22/03/2023 10:14

CaroleSinger · 22/03/2023 10:07

So there's no chance there might actually be something wrong with his arse making it leak and he can't be in denial?

Show quote history

Yes of course there’s a chance that he’s experiencing some level of bowel incontinence caused by a medical condition. But no, I don’t think there’s a chance he’s ‘in denial’ about leaving shitty pants inside out for his wife to deal with 🤔

Aussiegirl123456 · 22/03/2023 10:15

Ew you poor thing.

Maybe he has a giant haemorrhoid or something that stops him being able to wipe properly or a leaky rectum. That should not be your problem though. Just suggest he does his own laundry?

pixie5121 · 22/03/2023 10:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebel2 · 22/03/2023 10:18

@Orangepolentacake not the same person you quoted but I remember reading that too, that it was "gay" Hmm to wipe/wash properly

Foxglove22 · 22/03/2023 10:18

How old is he? It might be an ageing problem whereby there might be some 'leakage' (so sorry!!!!) even if he is wiping his arse properly? But if so, he needs to deal with it by going to the GP, and also by cleaning his own pants in the meantime. I wouldn't expect my husband to deal with my period pants, so you shouldn't have to deal with his 'overflow'. Good luck xx

Floppyelf · 22/03/2023 10:19

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 22/03/2023 07:54

Agreed.

Show quote history

+2

Goodread1 · 22/03/2023 10:19

@Dangelis

🤣🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏

Hilarious comment I love ❤️ it

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 22/03/2023 10:23

But surely it's not hygienic for soiled underwear to be washed with other clothes? Unless you put everything on a really hot wash? Or use a gallon of dettol laundry cleanser every time?

I'd also be worried that he smells OP, surely he wouldn't want to be at work stinking of shit and his colleagues talking about him??

You need to be calm and factual and tell him asap I would not be calm I would lose my shit pardon the pun

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/03/2023 10:23

"How do you approach him?"

Just tell him straight.

And he probably gets it all over your bedsheets and towels too.

Disgusting.

Itstimeforlunch707 · 22/03/2023 10:23

Over40Overdating · 22/03/2023 09:42

@Itstimeforlunch707 the grown man leaving shit stained underpants for his wife to deal with is humiliating himself plenty without anyone else needing to.

Interesting you think him being taken to task for leaving the shitty pants for his wife to deal with would be humiliating but that his wife being faced with them with no apology or explanation, just an expectation to wash them without complaint is not.

And I’m very calm, thanks. Peaceful even. Not being disrespected in my own home on a daily basis helps.

Sigh. Can you point to the part of my posts where I said that it was ok for his wife to be left to deal with his stained underwear? I solely addressed potential health issues. There were plenty of other posters on the thread addressing the rest.

Please stop putting words in my mouth to support your own argument.

Dalekjastninerels · 22/03/2023 10:24

Rebel2 · 22/03/2023 10:18

@Orangepolentacake not the same person you quoted but I remember reading that too, that it was "gay" Hmm to wipe/wash properly

So they would rather have a poopy backside? Envy

Annonnimouse · 22/03/2023 10:26

This could well be a medical thing. Especially if it’s worsening over the last few months. If he isn’t seeing any improvement with increased effort to wipe and clean himself. Then he need to look at his diet. If that doesn’t help. Doctors