DH ate extra lasagne and didn’t tell me

[Lolabear38]

I’m currently at home with 2 poorly DCs. We are all getting cabin fever so I may be over reacting a little here.

Yesterday I made a big lasagne for our tea. We had it with salad, corn on the cob and garlic bread so it was a substantial meal. There was enough leftover for us to have tonight (planned). I said as much to DH and he said ok fine, he said liked it a lot so was happy to have it again tonight.

I went to bed before DH last night and, unbeknown to me, he had another portion of the lasagne and didn’t say anything to me. Normally not an issue but as I said I was planning on us having it tonight too.

Today has been a hard day with the kids but I thought ‘oh at least dinner is sorted’ except when I went to get the lasagne I was bloody annoyed to see we were one portion down! I hadn’t looked at it all day today as when I put it in the fridge last night there was plenty.

DH was working later tonight so DC and I ate before he got home. I considered giving everyone a smaller portion but then I thought, f$&@ it, we’re having a normal portion and DH can have whatever is left, which is a lot less than he usually would have. He’s now home and very annoyed and thinks I’m selfish and somehow food shaming him for eating the extra last night. He said I should have left him enough, but as far as I’m concerned I did last night!

There is plenty of bread/ baked beans etc. for him to make himself something else but AIBU to be annoyed and not to have left him enough tonight?

You are making up a different hypothetical situation that didn't happen and trying to apply it to this situation. No one ate or demanded the entire lasagna. It is a ridiculous comparative argument to try and make.

I didn't respond to your point about someone eating the whole thing because it is irrelevant and not applicable in any way to this post.

These kids are not very ill if they have the appetite to eat full adult sized portions of lasagna, salad, corn, and garlic bread.

If my husband did that he’d say you and the kids have yours and I’ll make myself something - that’s what most decent men would do.

She wanted lasagne, not a crisp sandwich. So she had lasagne. Her DH then came home and kicked off about her about eating said lasagne. Do you not get why that’s not okay?

Chicken pox (which is what they have) doesn’t generally impact appetite, particularly at the latter stages (which is where they are).

And she never said they ate two adult portions or anything to indicate that was the case.

The OP didn't say they were adult sized portions, did she? But she did say the DC are feeling better and in because they're contagious, which can be as much of a pain in the arse as the lying around on the sofa stage. And she said today was very hard.

Right so if someone estimates portions of a main meal that means they have all of their slices of bread allocated? 🙄

A wife tells her husband she has lasagne made for tomorrow so then he thinks he can't make himself beans on toast? Is he a simpleton? Can he not understand why a main meal which has already been prepared and cooked is different to beans on toast or an omelette?

Some people strictly portion main meals because their family does tend to eat equally. Some might do it due to cost. Some might do it because the family has a weight problem and they're trying to tackle it.

But for most of the rest of us it is perfectly normal to estimate portion sizes, it's not 100% strict and we will generally get it right most of the time.

When you're cooking for your family every day people tend to gain knowledge of their families eating habits.

I know my son will eat a lot more lasagne than my daughter will eat. I can tell by looking at the leftover lasagne whether there will be enough for them both to have it as a main meal or whether there's only enough left for my son to have some before the gym (he has a smaller portion of dinner if he's going to the gym soon after).

I know how many chicken fillets to cook for specific dinners. For some they'll eat lots of chicken, for others they won't.

I know whether I have enough leftover roast chicken to make a chicken curry

I know how to double up on ingredients if I want to make 2 days worth of dinners.

It's perfectly normal to assess what your family is likely to eat.

If there were different sized portions then how would people know at at glance that the tray held exactly two adult and two child sized portions and not an extra fifth portion? People are saying - everyone gets the same sized portion and her DH should have known at a glance the exact number of portions in the tray and that there was no extra. How would he know this at a glance if they had different sized portions?

She didn’t say all food was portioned, just the lasagne. There is no indication that any other food was in predetermined portions. In fact, this Normally not an issue but as I said I was planning on us having it tonight too. would indicate that’s not the case.

So, basically, he agreed the leftover lasagne was enough for another meal and would (on this specific occasion) be eaten by them all on two days. He then ate more of it, meaning that there was no longer enough for all of them the next day. He then kicked off and called her selfish for eating the lasagne.

The post I was replying to said "when a shared meal is made, everyone gets an equal portion and if yours isn't enough, you can bulk it up with something else". So for that poster (the one I was replying to) it is exactly about "everyone having the same set amount".

I skipped the bit you've put in bold because I don't really see how it relates to anything I've said. I'm not saying OP has done anything wrong- this is how it works in her household and apparently the households of a lot of people on here. That's fine. It's not how it works in my household or that of people I know IRL so I find it surprising.

Because he lives there and knows what a portion for each of them looks like. Yes, people eat differing amounts. But you’re saying that you can’t look at a lasagne or a curry or any other dish and know whether it’s sufficient to feed your family?

Yes, that’s right, I’m asking YOU a question based on some of your comments on this thread. So does your husband get to eat unrestricted and can have the whole pie, or do you still expect a share? Turns out you do expect a share. Thank you for confirming.

The OP doesn't say he knew it at a glance. She says DH was aware that the rest of the lasagne was for the evening meal the next day because she told him that, he agreed, and then subsequently ate more anyway. This is all in her very first post...

It was a lasagne made for 2 days.
I'm assuming the dish was half full. It's not that difficult to understand.

It's very easy to tell at a glance if a dish is half full or not. Very young children can tell 1/2 at a glance. It shouldn't take much time, effort, or problem solving. It's very very simple...even at very quick glance.

And for all of you who portion - I don't quite understand how he would get himself something else to eat? If food is all in predetermined portioned, how do you know if you can have a piece of bread or if it has been portioned out for school lunches? How do you know the cans of beans aren't already portioned for a future meal? How can he take anything from the fridge or cupboard without being in the same situation where he is eating food that has been portioned for another person or another meal. How do you keep count of every item of food to be sure that no one ate a banana or a yogourt that wasn't in their allotted and allowed portion?

Are you being deliberately obtuse? OP explicitly told him that this one specific thing was to be saved for a particular meal. That doesn't mean that everything in the house is.

That is just a bizarre approach! Why would you portion everyone out the same size regardless of their needs or hunger?

Because nobody is more important than anyone else. So if someone doesn't want all of their portion, that's fine, give them less, but don't assume they deserve less because they're female.

Kids portions are smaller but unless one child is a lot younger than another, those should all be equal to each other by default too.

My daughter usually chooses to eat less than my son (she's a bit younger and a fair bit smaller) but I see nothing bizarre in letting her know she's got the right to as much food as he has if she wants it.

She didn't assess how much her husband was likely to eat. He was still hungry after his allocated portion.

And if you read the thread, there are people fanatic about portions and how everyone gets the exact same portion and this was exactly 8 portions and he ate a portion that wasn't his. Many on here are extreme about portions and that is what I was responding to. They have clearly stated they do not eat or portion based on the individual or the context. That they premeasure and predetermine portions and anyone who eats more than their allocated and determined portion is a selfish asshole. So if he ate a piece of bread and that bread was allocated for lunches - he is a selfish asshole as that was not his portion. Just like since he ate a second helping of lasagna because he was hungry - he is a selfish asshole.

There are a lot of people on here who are very controlling about food. It would never work for us as we are more intuitive eaters and don't eat a set required amount every day. Nor do we controll each other. And if I am hungry, I open the fridge and find something to eat. If my husband was angry that I ate a portion of something that wasn't allocated to me, and so he didn't leave me any dinner the next night and told me to eat beans and toast when I came home late after a long day of work and then told me I was a selfish asshole when I was annoyed, I would not say yes dear, you are right. I am sorry, I was an asshole, I will always ask you before I eat any food and will only eat the portion that you tell me I can.

The part in bold relates to your prior comments. Specifically:

You’d ‘Have something else and turn the little bit of lasagne into a lunch or something.’

‘On average men are bigger than women and on average bigger people need to eat more. That's not sexism, it's biology.’

‘Honestly, I get the impression that other people have a much more regimented approach to cooking and eating than we do. We all cook, we all eat the amounts we want rather than assigned portions, it works fine. If my husband were to tell me he was saving something for a particular day and I forgot and ate some of it, we'd just laugh and have something else- he wouldn't eat his share and leave me to eat the Toast of Shame.’

All of which disregards the fact that he agreed it was enough, then kicked off about not being catered to sufficiently.

I don't think OP said they ate exactly half the first night. Maybe they did if each person had a measured portion.

She wanted lasagne, not a crisp sandwich. So she had lasagne. Her DH then came home and kicked off about her about eating said lasagne. Do you not get why that’s not okay?

Where did I say she shouldn't have lasagne? Although I read it that she made a large amount for convenience rather than taste. I haven't been rude to anyone. I haven't insulted anyone. I just said that rather than eating the same meal two nights running, I'd spoil myself and choose a snacky alternative. I have no idea why this has caused such perturbation that people think it's OK to call me abusive names and fat shame me. It seems out of all proportion to my comment about loving crisp sandwiches.

These kids are not very ill if they have the appetite to eat full adult sized portions of lasagna, salad, corn, and garlic bread.

OP has confirmed that her children have chicken pox, are feeling better but waiting to scab over.

Eating something later in the evening doesn't mean he was still hungry.
It means he got hungry again.
Because his body digested and processed the food he'd eaten. That's normal. It doesn't mean his dinner wasn't enough.

8 portions to mean simply means 2 dinners for 4 people.

He's the one who called her selfish!!!

Maybe they did or maybe they didn't, but either way as a PP asked you "But you’re saying that you can’t look at a lasagne or a curry or any other dish and know whether it’s sufficient to feed your family?"

It's implicit knowledge that most people gain through life, it's easy to assess whether there's enough left for another day or not. Most people will get it right most of the time with no effort even if wasn't in a dish that was obviously half full. It's not difficult.

I didn’t insult or fat shame you. She didn’t want a snacky alternative, she wanted the meal she’d prepared. So she had it. Your delight in crisp sandwiches is neither here nor there.

I’ll ask again - do you not see the problem with her husband kicking off about that? As you stated you don’t see what the fuss is about.

@YearsOfStagnation

I absolutely don't have a low bar. What a bizarre thing to say. My DH is kind, and considerate, and when I told him I had an extra helping of pasta last night his reply was simply 'I'm glad you liked it'.

It's my turn to do dinner tonight and I will be sending DD in with the remains of the pasta tomorrow.

I don't have a low bar. You just hate men.