Fall out with best friend over my child maintenance

[ellwoomans]

I’m really sad so perhaps not strong enough for AIBU! But I want honest opinions.

I have a decent job at the moment but my ex completely abandoned me and dc when dc was 10 months so my attention to work has not been great - I currently earn around 3k a month. I applied for maintenance and ex now pays 900 a month. The nature of his job means this could go up year on year, depending of course on if he decides to play games with pensions etc. Even if he was to do that, I expect I would still be receiving around 500 at a minimum. Whilst I KNOW this is much more than most resident parents, I do not consider it remotely enough to support our child when childcare alone is 1400 a month. If the childcare situation changes then of course that’s slightly different but at the moment this is my childcare bill.

I was very frustrated over the weekend following a large energy bill, the heating being used so much because dc is very little. I expressed this over some drinks with friends and said I felt it was all on me, to which my friend said I would eventually be making money from dc as ‘nobody needs 900 a month for a child of school age.’ I asked what she meant and she said if we were together then combined we may spend that on food, clubs, travel etc but for me to receive this in full and have my own separate home etc, that I am doing well from it and should feel lucky. I am ashamed to say I left there and then and said I wanted an early night. We’ve not spoken since. She is single and perhaps feeling alone, im not sure, but now im worried I was speaking out of turn? I don’t know who is right here and we’ve always been close but I feel very judged by her.

No sorry! I meant £1400. Bloody phone! Always have auto things. She has to pay rent out of that though. As she can’t get into social housing yet. On the way. So that leaves her £400 after her bills etc.

@Badbudgeter though maybe she’s lying to me?!?!

She’s right. Most single parents won’t even get close to that amount in maintenance. Even if £900 isn’t enough to cover what your child’s needs dictate, most single parents would consider that a lot.

@Cerealkillerontheloose you sure it's not £400 per week? That's what the calculator says based on £900 per month rent and a band council tax.

@Cerealkillerontheloose if she works she will be able to keep that money.

Looking at a child maintenance calculation, for someone on the average wage of £32,200 who never has the child overnight they would be expected to pay £321.86 per month… according to the gov this is adequate to raise a child, so £900 is quite a big jump up.

In an aside. How is your heating bill £480 if there are only 2 of you? Have you retained a large family home rather than downsized to suit new circumstances?
ps if he has left you and the child in residence in the family home and relinquished his entitlement to whatever finance he put into it this could be considered quite a sizeable contribution to the child and your household finances or have you decide to buy him out?

Honestly the argument about clothes etc is silly; to clothe a child shopping at John Lewis, Jojo and the like is about 600 a yr for a 1yo, unless you have decided everything has to be Hugo boss and burberry.

The childcare is to allow you to work for your career and income, which only you will benefit from now and in future as you are separated from your partner. So it is an investment for yourself.

If you are unhappy about the amount of time your ex contributes to the child you need to work towards joint custody and thus an equal division of responsibility and childcare costs. Maybe go to family mediation to discuss what you to consider to be reasonable.

Your friend if they have no children hasn’t a clue as to the stresses of childcare costs but ultimately, she is right that once you even get Dc to age 3 your costs will plummet and then you will have a large excess of money that is not required to fund yours and child’s lifestyle. Particularly if you’ve got the family home too. And you won’t have lost out on your career meantime.

Sounds quite peachy. And can only presume your flying off the handle and walking out on your friend occurred due to the enormous stress you must be under following separation with a young baby. Awful for you.

Long term financially if the payments are retained and indeed increase, whatever you feel you’re losing now will be more than recouped.

Tbh, it pays half of everything, plus more, if you don't think about the childcare bill. It stings now, but in the long run it'll work out good.
So in a nutshell, I think I agree with your friend, its a shame that CMS doesn't take the childcare into account, but it really is better than a lot of people have.
FWIW, in 2019 out of curiosity I worked out the expenses of DDs life, which included her %of the bills, the % of the house that's solely for her use, her clubs, her annual pass payments, meals out, clothing, pocket money, food, her % of costs for all of the foreign holidays we were taking, everything. It was £900, so I think that even by the time your son is a teen, you'll have a fair amount paid to you over what half of his expenses are.

There's such a lack of empathy on this thread. In the last year or so the OP has had a baby; gone through the breakdown of her relationship and become a lone parent to a young child, whilst holding down a job. Even if you are comfortable financially, it can still be very stressful knowing that you are 100% responsible for your child in every way, particularly while you are dealing with everything the OP has dealt with.

Maintenance is not a reliable source of income. If the OP's ex earns less or quits his job or moves in with someone with children or has his child to stay overnight maintenance reduces. It's possible that once the child is a bit older the ex will decide he wants her half the time, which could prevent maintenance being payable at all. The OP has to provide for her child regardless of any changes in her income etc.

Often divorce / relationship breakdown leaves you in a difficult and complex financial position such that an income which would have been comfortable isn't. You can find yourself temporarily stuck in a property which is too big / expensive for you or you might be locked into financial commitments from before your relationship breakdown; you might not have any savings left and the equity you hold in your property (if any) is probably significantly reduced.

Mumsnet can be so quick to tell women to leave bad relationships and yet so disdainful of single parents. Apparently single mothers are supposed to be able to care for their child 100% of the time and still provide at least 50% of what they need financially and be grateful if their ex puts in the other half. But if you're a SAHM or on maternity leave or earning much less than your partner, there's no expectation for you to provide for your child financially at all and you shouldn't be expected to do all of the housework and childcare either.

Shocker, children live a lifestyle commensurate with parents' incomes....

BOTH parents. And if your DC's father can afford £900 a month in CM (because his income is that large) then YOU are not profiting by it, your DC is and rightly so!!!'

When you don't need to pay so much child care you may be able to save some money for your child. I totally agree irregardless of what you earn a non resident parent should pay whatever going rate is.

@Circe7 I like what you wrote. @ellwoomans I think your friend was quite rude and dismissive. It’s a big thing to have full responsibility for your dc and for it all to be on you. It can be quite exhausting. You should be able to express that it is hard sometimes without someone dismissing you.

FWIW my grandma once said to me that personal financial information such as how much you earn etc. is private and no one else’s business and shouldn’t be discussed. I think she has a point. It can cause issues with friends and family so probably best to keep it to yourself.

But you absolutely should be able to say I’m finding this situation hard at the moment and a good friend will be supportive.

I actually thought when my dc was younger that when they went to school that I’d be better off financially. However, now I know that the older they get the more expensive they get.

I’m not from the UK so it might be different for you but clothes and shoes for older kids is priced much higher here. Almost as expensive as adult clothes.

I had to buy new running shoes for dc as they grew out of their hardly worn previous pair so quickly and was shocked that most decent running shoes were priced around $100 dollars. Children grow so fast. I don’t want to pay $100 dollars for shoes that in a couple of months will be too small!

When dc was a toddler I could get decent shoes for $20. Big price difference there. With the cost of living now I saw plenty of decent toddler sizes in $20 to 40 dollar range. So still cheaper for little kids. Also, getting dc’s haircut used to have a cheaper rate for younger age. So, now it costs me more for haircuts.

Also, while wrap around care at school can be cheaper than childcare there is always something at school that requires spending money: discos, fetes, excursions, incursions, school camps, free dress day (gold coin donation) book club, raffles, extracurricular activities etc. Then you have after school activities. Maybe your child needs tutoring.

The list goes on.

Why?
Just because your dc’s father isn’t paying that’s not OP’s problem.

Women on here can be so strange sometimes.
Why shouldn’t the OP get good cm if her ex can afford it.
My db paid £500 per dc until they finished university.
He was advised he could stop paying at 18 but he didn’t because he’s a decent human being.
Rather than saying OP is lucky we should be saying most single dm’s are unlucky to have ex’s that think a £150 a month is some sort of generous gift they bestow on the mother of their dc who has the temerity to have a hair appointment once a year!

I don’t think she’s a friend OP, she’s no loss. Anyone that tells someone they’re lucky when they’ve been abandoned by such twat of a man and left to raise a child alone, is a nasty piece of work. Good riddance to your ‘friend’.

How much you earn isn’t relevant. £900 a month isn’t a lot to provide to support your child. You don’t just have nursery costs, but like you say, every day costs like heating, mortgage/rent etc. The money is for his child, whilst your friend seems to think you’re using it to benefit yourself. He should be contributing to the care of his own child!

I just wouldn’t bring it up again. For whatever reason it stuck a nerve with your friend but I would just move past it.

Well said.

The NRPs that don’t pay or pay minimum should be ashamed.

My ex owes me £1000s in missed payments. As he’s self employed there’s not much I can do. I’m glad op’s ex is paying and what she earns is irrelevant.

OP YNBU - I’m surprised just how low some people’s bar is, just because some parents get away with next to no maintenance does not mean anything above the minimum should be applauded. Of course an ex partner who abandons their DC should pay a fair amount particularly as your childcare costs are high. I’d also be annoyed at a friend claiming you would benefit from your child when you’re the one doing all the parenting and sharing equal costs - they certainly wouldn’t be a friend of mine for much longer.

Posters are supportive of others unless they feel they’re too well off, you see it on many threads on here.

I don’t think you should be grateful for the child maintenance you receive, you deserve to receive that. But you do have a very comfortable income and probably should not be complaining about your finances. If you are running up energy bills of £450 a month, then you need to stop being so wasteful, I don’t think I could ru up a bill of that size if I tried and we are both at home most days.

I think you over reacted to your friends comment and if my friend got up and walked out on me I wouldn’t be instigating further contact either. If you want to make up with your friend, you need to apologise because it is definitely you in the wrong here.

The childcare is to allow you to work for your career and income, which only you will benefit from now and in future as you are separated from your partner. So it is an investment for yourself

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I cannot BELIEVE the comments on these threads.
So childcare costs are the sole responsibility of women, because we should feel so lucky we get to go to work??!!

im disgusted. I can’t remember the last time comments on a thread made me this angry.

OP please take this down for the sake of your mental health.

You need to apologise for getting up and walking out. In future try and read the room when it comes to talking about money worries. Of course people can have them on higher salaries but it is crass to bore on about it when you are in the company of lower earners. Also - it's a deathly dull topic of conversation for a night out.

Tbh I think your ex should pay your entire bill for childcare. If you're solely responsible for the child the rest of the time (incl weekend), then that's every single night (12-14 hours say) and then 48 hours on the weekend.
Add in half your utilities, travel to drop off and collect from childcare, food, clothes, medicine and basically your time. It comes to a lot more that 1800 pcm

That £200 is supposed to pay (at least) half of the costs of housing, heating, and household bills, plus food, clothes, activities etc.

this is just batshit 😂 child maintenance is not to cover 50 percent of costs of a house . . You can use it towards,a house, but the assumption is each parent will house themselves and the child will live with then, it’s a contribution to cover basic living costs.

thinj about it sensibly. If child maintenance was to cover 50 percent of housing very few resident parents would need to leave the marital home and have it sold.

child maintenance is a contributor to the basic living costs . How can folks be on a parenting website and posting and think non resident parents are supposed to pay half of a house costs.

She sounds a little envious, perhaps because her situation is less than favourable.

I certainly wouldn't fall out about it but wouldn't discuss finances with her in the future as seems to be a sensitive topic for the two of you.