Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

It becomes legally very tricky to give away money as you get older. The inheritance tax exempted gift allowance is £2000 per year isn't it? And if they gave you a wodge of money, it would be seen as deliberate deprivation of assets if they ever need care in the future. If they became rich in retirement, it is really too late to give it away. They could give you a regular gift from income, but most people are not aware of that.
Older people just can't start giving money away willy nilly

If I actively chose to have kids, and then decided my wealth is just for me, I'd.feel like an awful person. If you're having kids with such a selfish attitude, just don't, everyone will be better off

So what level of wealth should a person have before they consider having kids?

What percentage of earnings should be handed over at birth?

If you feel that way , it's fine, don't have kids. It's not mandatory.

BTW your entitlement is off the scale. Maybe get some counselling or something? It's really not normal.

Maybe they just don't want to. And why should they?

What the fuck is this thread? It seems like a bunch of kids trying to school parents that they are not being kind or something.

Can you please explain how I'm entitled?

I work full time. I support my parents financially. I'm not given or haven't asked for anything, I simply stated my opinion.

Maybe people like you who act on all their selfish wants and pop out kids just to tell them to go fend for themselves are entitled, have you considered that?

My parents where a bit like this. Classic boomers who often said that they worked hard and made good so anyone who was struggling should work hard like they did. They forgot that when they bought their first home (in fact, all of the three homes they bought) they did it on my fathers salary only because you could then. My mothers money went into savings and paid for the extras, that anyone could have if they "worked hard enough". She worked very part time and for the first twenty or so years of my life my father was in blue collar jobs. He got a promotion that paid for him to do professional qualifications that ended up with him being a director for a multinational. I think they forgot that although he did well, he could equally have stayed blue collar his whole life if someone else at his company had had a face that fitted better or was just a bit more experienced than him. I am not saying he didnt work hard and deserve the promotion, but as we all know, getting a promotion is as contingent on someone else with more experience/qualifications than you NOT applying as it is on your own abilities!

Then my marriage ended in the most appalling way. They started to listen when I explained things about the realities of life for a lot of people. They realised that I was working, at times, 70 hours a week and still couldnt afford a yearly holiday that they had taken for granted. That I was struggling to put fuel in the car some weeks, that money really was coming in and going straight back out again. They couldnt accuse me of not working hard, it made me very ill, so they did to their credit to a rethink and seemed to reset.

Since then they have given my sister and I a substantial gift each. Mine has made me financially secure in that it paid off my mortgage and has left me with the most I have ever had in the bank in my life (and it probably equals in total what you and your DH earn in a month, but its a massive amount to me as I have never had savings!). They realised that money put away is no good to them as they wont spend it and that when they are gone a hell of a lot will go to the tax man, so they decided to gift us some inheritance now when we need it.

It sounds like they are judging the situation based on their own lived experience and think that your world is (or should be) the same as theirs was.

Maybe people like you who act on all their selfish wants and pop out kids just to tell them to go fend for themselves are entitled, have you considered that?

So answer my question how much wealth should a person have and how much income should a child receive in order for a human not to be selfish to give birth to a child?

Do you know how much elderly care costs? If they give you the money now, let's say sell the second property, who is going to pay for their care? Will you?
Also good for them to go on multiple hokidays/year, it might be in 5 or 10 years time they won't be able to due to ill health so they should absolutely enjoy all these experiences now.

It's obviously not about a set amount, it's much simpler - if you are very comfortable and your child isn't, through no fault of their own, you're a selfish twat for not wanting to share your good fortune with them

I assumed this would be easy to grasp but the mental gymnastics some people on this thread go through to avoid admitting they're just greedy and don't care about other people is impressive

I would help my DC's but firmly believe a parent's money is theirs to spend or save as they please. They have no obligation to give money to their children or donate their time freely for childcare.

It's obviously not about a set amount, it's much simpler - if you are very comfortable and your child isn't, through no fault of their own, you're a selfish twat for not wanting to share your good fortune with them

Lol or the child could be less entitled.

I'm that child. My parents could have bailed me out but I'm not a twat. I know I should work hard. I know they don't owe me anything.

Good grief. Your generation is bonkers.

Oh god yes it's a truly insane concept to think that people shouldn't decide on lifelong commitments (like having children) if they actually are selfish greedy pricks.

If you feel this way truly, then should we also feel that our parents are not entitled to our time, care, visits in a nursing home? Because based on this logic we don't owe them anything? What a pathetic life view

They'll end up giving most of it to the tax man instead of their DGC or DC. Which is why some on MN will say YABU. :)

I don't think you're being unreasonable, to be honest.

I can't imagine either of my parents not being quite generous if they were in that position. My parents are both absolutely brassic, so it's mostly a hypothetical, but when one of them recently came into a bit of an inheritance (£60k - so a good chunk of money, but not millions), they gave my sibling and I £10k each. Despite the fact they will be living off the state pension and have next to no money of their own outside of that money. They just couldn't fathom having a windfall and not trying to do something good for their kids with it. So they definitely couldn't fathom having £200k income a year (is that right?!?) and not helping us out.

So it's not a mindset I understand, particularly.

If I were them I'd be wondering if I could help towards the mortgage or something, if not just because you were my child but also because of inheritance planning.

It's such a tough one though - as you've alluded to, it's very hard to talk about something like this without it seeming grasping. When it's not really about that.

My PiLs are the wealthiest people I have ever come across. DFiL spent his entire career working in oil, and his pension and investments are insanely lucrative. They own 14 properties in London outright, and I wouldn't like to even guesstimate what rental income they get from them.

Six years ago, my DH lost his job very suddenly and unexpectedly. I'm a care worker, and I ramped up my hours to 7am until 10pm, six days a week, in order to cover the essentials.
My DD (their GDD) was 7 at the time, and I owed £50 fees to her dance club. DH refused to ask his parents to help out as he said they would refuse. I didn't believe him, so I phoned MiL myself. Unbelievably, he was right enough. She said that DDs dance wasn't essential, and therefore she would need to stop going. I got a lesson over the phone in "affordability" and working hard to earn money. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I'd asked.
The irony was, MiL has never had a job. She left school, started dating FiL, then married him and became a homemaker.
I'll give her some credit, she's been an incredible homemaker over the years.
But I really didn't need a lecture on how I should work hard for my money.

DD had to stop dance lessons, as I couldn't meet the monthly fees.
I won't pretend it hasn't affected how I view them.

I always think posts like this very much depends on your mindset, upbringing and to some degree your culture.

I wouldn't ask because I do think it is entitled and grabby. Not everything that is theirs is yours. They may well leave it all to you or they might spend it all in a blaze of glory. That to me at least should be their choice. Once you become an adult your parents are no longer responsible you financially but have hopefully supported you to gain the skills needed in life. My parents never had any financial help from their parents either.

I have a sister who has a lot of help from my parents. She had a longterm health condition and had always relied on my parents. So to her asking for help is second nature and definitely not seen as a weakness or entitled. I'm not trying to make a dig at you or anyone else just explaining why I feel differently.

We also come from an asian culture so it's more a case of you taking care of parents as they get older rather than them bailing you out.

Neither my parents or inlaws have lots of money and I'm in a better paid job than both my parents.They have helped us in that my mum will allow us to stay at hers when we visit saving on a hotel. She cooks for us and my dad will always get in food I like and treats for rhe kids. So whilst they don't help financially I'm sure they would if I asked and they are generous but in a different way.

I should say that if they had the kind of money your parents do I can't imagine them not wanting to share it whilst they are here.

It's OK to feel as you do and you can do differently with your own kids. I'm not sure if you should raise it with your parents though or how you would go about it.

Less of the ageist generalising. This boomer, like many on this thread, is helping her kids as significantly as she can manage. As are all my boomer friends.

We recognise that our children are having to deal with a very different financial climate (especially regarding housing) that we did. Every element of their lives, from university onwards, has been way more expensive that ours. So many boomers have paid uni costs, helped with house deposits, and are now helping with childcare or supporting paying for nursery. None of which our own parents had to do for us.

So yes, fuck off with your boomer generalisation. I'm absolutely sick of hearing similar, left right and centre. Even from those whose boomer parents are helping them. I've reached my limit and sorry, but your post is the straw that's broken me.

Umm...I think it's alright to discuss this with them.

They may say no however.

It's not deprivation of assets if they're fit and healthy at the time they give the money.

And the IHT thing is often a red herring. If any tax applies on death, it's paid from the estate. No-one has to pay back tax on their gift.
People might not want some of their money to go to the govt on their death, but it's not a reason not to help your kids when they actually need it.

Sounds pretty mean to me OP. You obviously can't say anything and give yourself credit that you're doing everything on your own without any handouts, but I do agree on that kind of money - you'd think they'd want to pass some on - to their kids, or at least teach you how to invest yourself!

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy you sound 'nice'. Would that work the same way if the OPs parents were struggling financially? Should wealthy adult children turn round to their struggling parents and say 'you had a chance to earn your own damn money, we will spend ours on us, you entitled twats?'. Just checking your thought process works both ways.

Mumsnet is usually the wrong place to ask this sort of question but in the real world YANBU.

I can't fathom parents who wouldn't want to help their children and grandchildren out. I want to be in a financial position to be able to help my daughter out the way my parents have helped my sister and I. We've been very lucky to have had help with house deposits and we have been taken on holidays etc. We definitely don't expect it but my parents take so much joy in being able to help us. In fact they often talk that they'd rather see us spend some of our inheritance now because of the pleasure they get in being able to do these things.

My MIL is disabled and on PIP but she's always forcing money into my hand to buy my daughter things. She's the same with SILs son. She doesn't have much but she'd rather spend money on her grandkids than herself. It's the same thing, she gets pleasure from treating them and I'll be doing everything I can to be in a financial position so that my daughter has some savings to fall back on if times are ever hard. I think your parents are being really miserly and anyone who disagrees is also a tight git!

Wow!

They sound like utter cunts!

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

i winder what financial or childcare help they got with you were young. If they got help and don't help you, they're Def unreasonable

I'm sitting on the fence and not voting.

Firstly the value of their home and the investment property really isn't ''rich''. For sure it might be worth more than what yours is, but in the grand scheme of things it isn't.

Good luck to your Dad if he is still able to do consultancy work. As the saying goes, if you don't use it, you lose it...

Secondly you mention having a sibling in a subsequent post. From my observations with my cousins all who have siblings, the biggest cause of their arguments is one sibling being deemed to have received more financial help from their parents than the other.

The one receiving the help considers it a ''need'' whereas the two other siblings feel she dug herself a hole and could get out of it if she chose to. So siblings are a bit peeved with each other there. From my observations from a distance, their parents were wrong to ''pick a side'' and as they choose to bring more than one child into this world, surely it should be up to them to treat each exactly the same, regardless of the ''perception'' of who may or may not have enough.

I have been party to some of the discussions between uncle and aunt and the consenus is one feels more than the other that its time a certain offspring stood on their own two feet. Combined with the attitude that a certain someone's partner also isn't pulling their weight as much as they could, one of the parents wants to hold off on providing any further financial support...

Maybe this provides some insight into your situation or maybe not. What I will say as an adult child is I'm watching my parents assets dwindle away on health care costs as I have a parent who has been in private hospital care for several years now. I can assure you my parents of the 70's and 80's would be appalled to know this has been the outcome for them while they did everything they could to be financially prepared for retirement and old age.... and it could be how your parents are thinking too.

I really wouldn't touch the subject with your parents unless you want the other sibling to equally benefit, and this might well be out of your parents financial reach to provide and adequately provide for their much later years. Keep in mind (at least where I live) any assistance they might need from the Govt later on will see them handling over their past financial records looking for substantial gifts to offspring which will be considered asset transfer...

Do your parents know you would welcome some financial help?

What this looks like to me is that you can just about manage but don't have much left over for luxuries. From what you have said this is probably the position your parents were in at the same stage in their life.

So maybe they don't realise that you might expect anything from them. It's even possible they might think you would be offended if they offered.

What exactly would you think they should do? Bung you so much a month. Pay for a holiday. Give you a one off amount?

We are not as well off as your parents appear to be but are reasonably comfortable. Our DD is in the process of buying her first place. We would happily help towards the deposit. Her GF would love to help. But she wants to do it herself. So we are looking for other ways we can help without hurting her pride.

Maybe your parents just do not realise you would want or expect anything from them or think you would be offended if they offered.