Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

*From what they’ve said, I think it is something like the following:

Final salary pensions (probably around £80k for my dad, £20k for my mum)
State pensions
£100k a year ish coming in from consultancy work/investments (obviously the consultancy work won’t continue forever)
Two properties owned outright, they live in a five bedroom detached and rent out a smaller house
No idea really about savings but I know they have full holdings in premium bonds and max out their ISAs each year etc*

That is in no way rich. It’s comfortable.
They may live until 100yo, becoming more likely. Reality is privatisation of healthcare is looming. The elderly have complex health needs. If they are in their 60’s then that’s roughly 35 years they need to consider with these funds. On this basis I think YABVU begrudging them several cruises a year while they are still young and physically/cognitively able to get out and about and have fun, and not assisting to finance your life.

That seems rather selfish of them given their financial situation. Have you tried asking? Sometimes the older generation aren’t keen to offer but they might be happy to help out if you spoke to them about it. After all - don’t ask don’t get

I don't really understand parents like the OP's. My parents brought us our family home (in Wimbledon) and it came with no mortgage. They also save the maximum into a junior ISA for my kid each year so she has a uni fund. They do it because they want us to have a good life. I honestly think they would give us the last fiver in their pocket if we looked like we needed it.

We would also of course do anything for them.

I have assets in excess of 1.1 million, but you would be surprised how low my income is. What am I supposed to live on if I give 20k to my children?

Have you discussed this with them? Do they know you are "hand to mouth"?

YANBU.

Do you have siblings? Maybe they see it that an eg £50k gift to you would actually be a £100k gift if you have one sibling, and so on.

I would and have helped my adult ACs and the GCs. A lot. Mortgages, cars, Uni costs for GCs etc.

But, there's no obligation for everyone to do the same. Adults need to stand on their own two feet really.

Plus, I suppose your parents might be thinking as we are now (as pensioners).

We both know that if we require professional care/help, we will have to pay for it - state help is diminishing year on year. 🙁

So, we have tucked away a fair amount, and if we don't need it, then the kids will get it anyway.

But, of course we would help them in any sort of crisis. Luckily, they both have good jobs and are comfortable themselves.

From the stats you've given they'll have more cash coming in every month than they know what to do with.

They should seek financial advice, obviously, but as an example they could gift "out of income" to pay for your kids to go to private school or into a junior isa and avoid IHT. It's weird to me that they're not doing something like that to help their descendents.

It would be interesting to know their reasons. Unfortunately people don't talk about money do they!

The other thing your parents had mentioned their friends were doing, trying to avoid IHT by their parents gifting away their home... This would not work to avoid IHT unless market rate rent is being paid by the occupant. See gift with reservation of benefit rules.

No you’re not being UR, I can’t imagine not helping my children out if I had the finances to do so. My parents are very similar to yours - they had it tough when we were young and couldn’t afford to eat out, no holidays abroad or private education but after salary increases, wise investments coupled with property price rise they are doing very well and extremely comfortable in retirement. They also go abroad multiple times each year, eat out and socialise regularly.

They have been extremely generous with their money - they helped me and sibling get onto the property ladder several years ago when our salaries were lower and will always want to pay if we go out or go on holiday together. I often tell them to enjoy their money as they have worked hard and got to where they are themselves but their attitude is that they can’t take it with them when they die so they want to spend it on enjoying life with their children and grandchildren now. They don’t provide significant childcare as they like to socialise and do other things but wouldn’t think twice if we needed them

MIL is wealthy, OH is an only child. She’s kind to us at Christmas/birthdays (hotel voucher for Christmas), but that’s as far as it goes. We don’t expect anything, but I imagine if I were in that position, I’d want to treat my child/grandchild

Wow that is horrendous on a few levels.

I am intrigued as to what kind of christmas and birthday gifts you get. Are they generous (or not?)

We have helped our DCs already and our plans are to give them the best start possible. I always wonder why people don't help their DCs if they can

I am aghast at some of these posts, of course you’re not being unreasonable and also of course your parents by today’s standards are what most of us would considered Rich/ wealthy. My parents in good financial position ( not as much as yours) and Absolutely help us out here Nd there, give money for kids savings etc. I do not expect this at all but very appreciative of it. On the other hand PIL are much better off but wouldn’t dream of giving money and the one time they gave a small nominal about for the kids savings account they made such a big fuss over it that it took the joy from it.
i think people’s attitudes to money are vastly different, I try to be as generous as possible and if someone needs money I’d happily give it If I have it but not everyone feels this way. My parents brought us up having part time jobs as teens and never gave handouts then but now as an adult I know if I genuinely needed money I could ask and they would help.

I agree it's sad they've not thought to help you out, my parents aren't wealthy although they are comfortable financially and they've helped me when it's been needed.

I would want to help my dd out as well throughout her life.

Do your parents know money is tight? Have you got siblings?

It would be nice of them to give you some money but I don't think you should expect it and hold a grudge towards them. I would be happy for them that they have worked hard and been sensible with their money and are in a good position now, good for them.

Sure they were legally required to send you to school, but I hope they also provided a good home environment to support your education? Listened to you? Made sure you were well rested and fed before school? I mean they sounded like decent parents.

Don't get me wrong, I can understand your pov and I would also want to help my kids out, but it is equally important to me that as adults they are able to stand on their own feet. I think I'd find it quite distasteful if in future they have this expectation that because money is tight for them, I have to somehow make it better for them. Yes I can, but I hope it will be down to my own choice.

Sorry to break it to you but your parents arent rich by what you describe.
It sounds like they had to make their own money, why should you be any different? YABU.

Sometimes extremely wealthy people decide against giving their off spring an inheritance citing reasons such as - if they are clever they will make their own money if they are not they will just waste mine.

Perhaps they worry they will remove your hunger for success if they provide handouts. Maybe they are relatively young and still have another 30 years to live and pay for their retirement.

OP I am assuming you are about 40 going by the age of your parents, I think that’s too old to be wanting a free holiday for you and your DC.

100% not unreasonable. I am already planning how I’m going to help my kids when they grow up. My parents have helped me where they could over the years. I’ve asked my parents to change their will to skip me and go directly to my children as they will need it more than me in (hopefully) at least 30 years.

Honestly the same thing is happening with my friend as the situation you describe. The parents became very wealthy though a business they built up and sold. My friend actually earns well and has a flat but she’s an only child and her father has now sadly died. Her mother is sitting on the money and not really doing anything with it. I can’t understand why her mother wouldn’t pass on some now (as her daughter will inherit) and enjoy seeing her daughter build her life with it. She has a grandchild so they would then be able to buy a better house and give him more space. as they say ‘you can’t take it with you’. But each to their own I guess.

My parents are wealthy and they would give us their last penny.

They help us so much in physical and mental support, but also financially with holidays, help with school fees, deposit with house...

I would do anything for them, and they would do the same for me.

When my kids are old enough to worry about these things I couldn't imagine not helping them if I was able to.
I would hate to see them struggle.
Maybe it's time to talk to your parents but you probably need to know what you are asking for specifically otherwise it might not be a productive conversation.

This is interesting. Amongst our friends only one couple had much financial help from parents. A sum for the deposit for a flat. We didn’t get 1p from anyone. We started off without much. We now have a lot mostly due to DH having a successful business.

We have given huge amounts to DDs already (2 x value of our rental houses which we sold) and would give more if grandchildren arrive. We are due to pay eye watering IHT so we plan to give away our estate to some extent at least 7 years before we die! If the estate of these parents is well in excess of £1m, they need to do the same. Or at least plan.

However if it’s mostly income from consultancy and work pensions, that dies with them. It really depends what their overall estate looks like. We would never let DDs struggle.

That’s mainly nonsense! You can gift what you want and if you give excess income it’s immediately outside of your estate.

Gifts given with no expectation of care would not be deprivation.