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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very rich parents

636 replies

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

OP posts:
cherish123 · 21/03/2023 22:57

Yes. I think they should help. They may have worked hard but I would guess things were much easier for them a generation ago. House prices alone make it much harder for young families.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 21/03/2023 23:00

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 22:56

Well, the good news is that if they’re not very rich, we DEFINITELY aren’t - so I don’t need to worry about anyone saying that I shouldn’t be complaining on my salary 😁

Show quote history

Correct. Neither you or your parents are.

You are not poor though on £80k.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/03/2023 23:00

I agree with you OP!

DH and I were just discussing at the weekend how with people living longer, by the time most receive any inheritance they are usually already retired or nearing retirement themselves so don't really need it.

When actually, most people need help in their 20/30/40s when starting out and having a family!

I'd like to think that if we were in a position to help our DS by essentially giving him some of his inheritance early then we absolutely would.

blondiepigtails · 21/03/2023 23:00

i had a very modest upbringing but my parents were eventually very comfortably off. Very little money was handed out until my mother died and my father downsized the family home. I never believed that I was entitled to any of their money, it was for me to make my own way in the world a# they have done. However, we have given our DC substantial deposits for their homes. I think attitudes have changed over the years.

Ladybird69 · 21/03/2023 23:01

My ex PIL were mega rich, we didn’t see a penny they spent it all on SIL and her children. My dear Mum who was was practically penniless would give me odd £10/20 to treat the children or to help towards a school pair of shoes etc bless her.

Original poster
jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 23:02

To the people asking what I actually want from them - to be honest, that’s a tough one!

Certainly if they were to pay for an overseas holiday with the DCs I’d be incredibly grateful.

If they were to give us some money so that we had a savings buffer that would also be amazing.

But I think I would just appreciate some financial support in some way because I know that’s what I’d do for my DC. And the fact they don’t/haven’t done the same for me makes me feel quite insecure about our relationship.

OP posts:
theworldhas · 21/03/2023 23:02

The flip side that no one else has mentioned is that having wealthy parents, who live comfortably and will be able to support themselves happily into hopefully very old age is of itself a very fortunate thing. While it would be great to receive 5-10k now (figures plucked out of thin air for an example) NOT needing to worry about having to support them financially in the future in any way is of itself a huge bonus. And that is before even mentioning what you may one day inherit.

Elnetthairnet · 21/03/2023 23:03

YANBU. My parents and DH parents are in a similar position and have benefitted hugely from inflation such that at the point of retirement their salaries were several times more than they had paid for their (very large) homes. I will never earn more than my house costs despite having the same job as one of them. They also benefitted from hours and hours of unpaid childcare by our DGM’s, which neither set were prepared to do for their GC. And they both inherited ££££ from their parents. They’ve got a very very comfortable life now with multiple holidays per year, meals out etc. We’re not badly off, but every single penny is accounted for and there is nothing spare. Friends of ours have parents taking their DC/DGC on holiday, paying for private school, helping out a lot with childcare etc etc.
But what goes around comes around. It’s their money to spend, but I won’t be spending my time caring for them when they are old. Their wealth can pay for a care home.

EnchentButteler · 21/03/2023 23:05

It might seem odd to say it but I would love to be richer simply so I can be more generous with friends, family and charities.

I hate the fact I have to penny pinch because I would love to treat my colleagues to a round, my friend to dinner on her birthday or add a tenner to a good cause on just giving. But I literally can't afford to.

DH's dad is wealthy enough to go on multiple holidays a year and we can't afford to go on any, even in the UK. DH mentions it to him as part of a natural conversation, not trying to angle for money, and FIL pretends to empathize by saying they can only afford to go for a week not two, or a long weekend in Barcelona instead of a week.

My heart bleeds for him obviously but I know if I was as rich as him I would love to treat my son and grandkids to a week in the sun.

So obviously many people have said you're unreasonable to expect it but seeing it through my generous eyes I would love to be in a position to help people. Not as a Messiah complex but because it's nice to treat people to things they otherwise wouldn't get to experience.

maddy68 · 21/03/2023 23:06

They have earned it. They want to go on cruises and enjoy life.

My dad was very wealthy. He didnt give me anything problem is you're never wealthy enough. ... someone else has always got a better car , house , boat etc

So they don't see themselves as rich. Just comfortable

theworldhas · 21/03/2023 23:06

But I think I would just appreciate some financial support in some way because I know that’s what I’d do for my DC

But when they see you they probably see a strong and capable adult with a family, who they are proud of and who is seemingly doing well - not a vulnerable child who needs support. You can’t really compare your feelings now to theirs (or your feelings in 30 years time regarding your then adult child).

HelloBunny · 21/03/2023 23:07

My parents are the same. They’ll pay if we go out for dinner (just birthdays) or something like that, but have never given me a sum of money. My sister has had house deposits, cars, gap year etc... Because she asked.

Sunsetintheeast · 21/03/2023 23:07

Most people are the richest as they retire. Most people are the poorest with young families. They may feel they did their time, Donnie can you!

TheMatriarchy · 21/03/2023 23:07

Unfortunately well off boomers tend to think 'they earned it' - and cannot fathom that free university, retiring at 60 on final salary pensions, and massive increases in property values in their lifetimes, is not really 'earning it'.

Original poster
jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 23:08

Elnetthairnet · 21/03/2023 23:03

YANBU. My parents and DH parents are in a similar position and have benefitted hugely from inflation such that at the point of retirement their salaries were several times more than they had paid for their (very large) homes. I will never earn more than my house costs despite having the same job as one of them. They also benefitted from hours and hours of unpaid childcare by our DGM’s, which neither set were prepared to do for their GC. And they both inherited ££££ from their parents. They’ve got a very very comfortable life now with multiple holidays per year, meals out etc. We’re not badly off, but every single penny is accounted for and there is nothing spare. Friends of ours have parents taking their DC/DGC on holiday, paying for private school, helping out a lot with childcare etc etc.
But what goes around comes around. It’s their money to spend, but I won’t be spending my time caring for them when they are old. Their wealth can pay for a care home.

Yes, this basically sums up their financial situation, and the sort of thing I see going on around me. A lot of that generation (not all, I realise) bought houses which are now worth multiple times what they paid for them, have inherited ££££s over the years, had free childcare from grandparents etc. And some of them (of those who can - again, I realise that’s not all of them) do seem to gift 5 or even 6 figure deposits, pay for private school etc 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Spectre8 · 21/03/2023 23:09

soffa · 21/03/2023 22:38

To add to above point re 100K / yr at this age not that much (especially if most needs to be put back into investment capital rather than liquid assets):

Err, on top of 100k pensions & state pension that's 220k coming in...

And they will be taxed on that amount

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 21/03/2023 23:09

Did they help you at all when you bought your house and got married?

echt · 21/03/2023 23:10

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 23:02

To the people asking what I actually want from them - to be honest, that’s a tough one!

Certainly if they were to pay for an overseas holiday with the DCs I’d be incredibly grateful.

If they were to give us some money so that we had a savings buffer that would also be amazing.

But I think I would just appreciate some financial support in some way because I know that’s what I’d do for my DC. And the fact they don’t/haven’t done the same for me makes me feel quite insecure about our relationship.

You'll have to ask.

I've got say you really don't know what you'll do for your children in the future, that's fantasy, only what you'd like to do.

DaughterofZion · 21/03/2023 23:10

YNBU but on MN you might be told you are

my question is do you feel the same sense of responsibility towards them? Say they needed to live with you due to Ill health or bereavement. Would you happily take your parents in or would you think ‘you don’t owe them anything!’

parent- child responsibility to each other goes both ways especially when the child is an adult.

Moaning5 · 21/03/2023 23:10

Are they asset rich but cash poor maybe ?

lifeturnsonadime · 21/03/2023 23:11

According to you Op your parents were not born into wealth but worked hard for it.

Why don't you think you should also have to work hard , you're not poor by any means.

It all seems a bit grabby to me. Bet you're parents have their heads screwed on and have money in trust for your DC so that you don't think you have an excuse to sit on your arse on the basis of their hard work.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/03/2023 23:12

theworldhas · 21/03/2023 23:02

The flip side that no one else has mentioned is that having wealthy parents, who live comfortably and will be able to support themselves happily into hopefully very old age is of itself a very fortunate thing. While it would be great to receive 5-10k now (figures plucked out of thin air for an example) NOT needing to worry about having to support them financially in the future in any way is of itself a huge bonus. And that is before even mentioning what you may one day inherit.

Yes, a lot of people can not appreciate this unfortunately.

Original poster
jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 23:12

Op, how are they with Christmas and Birthdays?

Nobody in my family is hugely into Christmas and birthdays (we are the sort of family who may agree only to give presents to the kids, although haven’t reached that point yet). But I’d guess they probably spend about the same on me as I spend on each of them.

OP posts:
PuggyMum · 21/03/2023 23:13

It's the same with my FIL (who's now remarried anyway). He assumes because he had it easy with a job for life and final salary pension (also followed by consultancy work) that we have the same opportunities.

He messaged me the other day to ask when we were next planning to visit (250 mile round trip)..... it was all I could do to not remind him that a tank of fuel is £80!

Spectre8 · 21/03/2023 23:14

theworldhas · 21/03/2023 23:02

The flip side that no one else has mentioned is that having wealthy parents, who live comfortably and will be able to support themselves happily into hopefully very old age is of itself a very fortunate thing. While it would be great to receive 5-10k now (figures plucked out of thin air for an example) NOT needing to worry about having to support them financially in the future in any way is of itself a huge bonus. And that is before even mentioning what you may one day inherit.

This and my parents who do help me out also have money aside to cover a y care costs. They only helped with house deposit and they didn't have high earning jobs, they are just savers. However I dont expect more financial help because I'd rather they spend the money enjoying holidays, getting any care or help they need.

Furthermore I know they sacrificed alot raising us, often going without so we coukd have things. All that hidden cost of raising a child needs to be recognised too, so why shouldn't they enjoy their money. I know they had times that were so tough they could only afford to buy chips and let us eat and they went without food for a day. They couldn't afford holidays bsck then either. So for me I'd rather my parents go live their lifes now they can afford it. They have helped me out enough.