Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

Money =love; really? So how do you judge the love of the poor?

Money =love; really? So how do you judge the love of the poor?

I don't think Venus champ.

I value generosity. Which is totally different.

Talk about cereal box 😁

This.

Ha! Yes........

I agree with you OP.

I understand where your coming from some families really help each other out while others keep everything private and never offer any help even to their own kids. At least if they have all that money they won't need you running around after them in later life.

OP's parents, with their income of £200k+ are earning about 10x what my (public sector) pension comes to. I help my kids as much as I can, and as my mortgage is paid off and I have some savings, I still manage to have foreign holidays and have the life I want, too.

I can't get my head round having an income of £200k and NOT helping ones kids. They are living in very different and more difficult financial times. They have university loans to pay off, they have to find stupid amounts for house deposits, and pay vast amounts for childcare. None of those things applied to me and my DH (though there were some very tight times when I chose to be a SAHM for a few years, and when mortgage rates were high).

I can't watch my kids struggle when I can help out a bit. And can't begin to imagine how OP's parents can.

The thing missing in all of this is care costs.

My DGM was in a lovely care home, that did trips and activities, nice facilities and great staff. It cost £4.5k a month. Her bungalow was sold to pay for it and we were happy for all the estate to go in order to keep her comfortable and well provided for. But it wasn’t luxury like a country house hotel or anything. The OP’s parents (if they’re sensible) will be planning on approx 3 years of care costs for both of them at this sort of cost. That may not leave them much spare to give away now.

Also: why should they?! OP is not on the breadline though she comes across as very grabby and they probably have no idea she’s (in her view) struggling. They’ve worked hard and should enjoy their money. OP will be far better off when childcare costs end.

Honestly, the number of entitled people on this thread is eye watering. The poor parents! And I say this as someone who is 37 and almost exactly manages the circumstances of the OP.

*matches

I would never dream of expecting my parents to help me out. As a grown up, it is your responsibility to make your way in the World and not expect handouts

Funny thing is, there are lots of parents who get immense pleasure from giving to their grown up DC.

Read the thread.

I actually would be very happy with that if I you could specify exactly where your taxes went,sadly I suspect they'd be in that big PPP pot or the track and trace fiasco mates of Matt H not going to actual patients

Care home costs need to be factored into your planning. My second cousin's father developed early onset dementia in his mid 60s and he needed to be looked after. But looked after, he lived for another 20 years, to 88. The costs of his care consumed the proceeds of the sale of his own home, and the inheritance value of two homes from his close family (from son in law), and eventually part of his daughter's equity in her home, that she was living in. To sustain a cabbage, albeit a fat flourishing cabbage. The costs of his care burnt through the value of four family houses. I actually think that is a total disgrace.

Exactly this. Poor people seem to be (generally) very generous with whatever they have. Very rich families tend to have that culture too, again generally! It is this comfortably off group of people who accumulated moderate wealth - but sufficient that with normal/ comparable levels of generosity in proportion to what they have could benefit their DC and GC no end! - and who also lived during the period of our history where it was remarkably easier to accumulate it than at any other time, who seem to disproportionately have this tendency to be extremely stingy to family and happy to live in relative luxury compared to their children and think this is a good thing, when the vast majority of people around the world aim for the opposite of that; wanting a better life for their children than they have/ had. It is very odd and not a normal way to think. Obviously nobody is suggesting parents leave themselves destitute but some of the examples on this thread alone are truly shocking!

Fair point.

£1.2 million on care fees so far in my family (staying in family home with dementia x 2 plus 1 short term care home)

I so hope I will be in a position to help our DC. I'd love to be a grandparent that can help pay for school uniform, holidays, days out and treats when the time comes. That would give me so much pleasure.

My dparents didn't have much free income when we were little and they absolutely love being able to treat us and the grandchildren now. My dad is beaming when he offers to pay for a meal out for eg.

I've grown up without any expectations of receiving financial support from my parents, but it's lovely that they do want to share, help and treat us.

DHs parents however, I can't understand. They're far better off than mine, and yet never offer us/dc anything. It's fine, it's their money and choice. But it's not how I hope to be in the future.

We have not inherited anything, yet, but DH's mum's estate is waiting for probate and Dh's sister needs the money to buy a house to see out her years. She's 60 and has worked as a carer for the last 15 years. We want her to have a comfortable, secure place to live, with her partner. What she leaves or how she helps her DC is not our business. There's not a lot to inherit on my side as I'm estranged from my Father, and his estate will be left via his second wife and second family. I shall be lucky to get my christening gifts returned!

To have a DB of that level you’re likely to be Director General in the civil service. In industry that’s not the case. Mid to senior executives in a large corp can easily be on that

You have a joint income of 80K. You’ll be aight

You’ve put ‘very rich parents’ in the title like they’re millionaires😂

I understand. My MIL is a recent widow. She gets husbands pension, rent from her flat next to her house, has huge savings and a house and a trust from deceased husband that by rights is to be shared with her 2 sons. Does she help any of us out? Nope. Our kids get £20 on birthdays. That’s it. She goes nowhere, does nothing. Money sits there gaining zero interest whilst my husband wants to get a bank loan to pay for a few things here because he was out of work during covid for almost a year and we used all our savings and took out loans. Some parents are totally oblivious. We would even pay her back. My parents would help us in a heartbeat but don’t have her wealth.

She's a recent widow?

FFS, give her a break for a bit.

I couldn't think straight for a long time after my DH died. A few years later, when I could see straight, and could also see that I was managing okay financially, I gave my DDs a big chunk of my savings. I considered it my DH's share of what we'd saved for our retirement. Only he didn't get one. So I gave it to them as a kind of inheritance from him.

But no, when I was a recent widow, it didn't occur to me. I was busy adjusting to life alone and worrying unnecessarily about my future.

No - widowed 7 years ago. I’m not a heartless witch. We’ve never asked for a thing. She didn’t like her husband by the way. Stayed together for convenience.