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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very rich parents

636 replies

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

OP posts:
TheyAreMadeOutOfMeat · 22/03/2023 19:05

lifeturnsonadime · 22/03/2023 19:00

Why shouldn't they go on cruises?

Their money their choice.

I think it's a bloody cheek that you think they should give up their holidays to fund their adult daughter's holidays of choice.

Except nobody said that.

You're still banging on about holidays when OP has clearly told you several times it isn't about that.

Nobody has suggested her parents give up their holidays, either.

Fairly pointless to comment at all if you want to talk about things that aren't even relevant to the thread. Why not make your own thread about holidays since that is not the OP's reason for being upset but clearly some kind of big issue for you.

TheHoover · 22/03/2023 19:05

At your age you should be standing on your own two feet.

If I was in your situation I would hope they might do nice things like foot the bill for a meal, generous gifts for your kids etc. But I would not expect this.

ellyeth · 22/03/2023 19:06

We've recently had a similar thread to this. I was quite surprised that many people took the view "grow up, sort yourselves out, your parents aren't responsible for you any more".

I feel differently. Of course, if your parents are not particularly well off, it would be unreasonable to expect them to help. But from what you say, your parents are wealthy and I really can't understand why they wouldn't, without being asked, help you out financially. We did the same for our family and we aren't exceptionally well off. I couldn't bear to live a really comfortable life knowing that my children were having ahard time.

£80,OO does sound a lot but it is for two salaries and If you live in London or another big city you would find £80,000 doesn''t go as far as you would imagine, especially with high childcare costs.

malificent7 · 22/03/2023 19:06

I think it would be harder to bear rich parents not helping their kids if they just acknowledged how tough it is nowadays.

As it happens, my dad's dp is delighted that I work a stressful job and my dad won't help me out as much as my sister as i cost him more when I was growing up( i had severe mh problems).

Delightful. As a result I no longer want to see them much...if at all.

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:09

jennybrightcandle · 21/03/2023 20:56

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

Anyone spending 18K on childcare is not 'living hand to mouth'.
I'm much older than you, and live on less than half that.
Yes, you're 'grasping'.

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 19:09

TheyAreMadeOutOfMeat · 22/03/2023 19:05

Except nobody said that.

You're still banging on about holidays when OP has clearly told you several times it isn't about that.

Nobody has suggested her parents give up their holidays, either.

Fairly pointless to comment at all if you want to talk about things that aren't even relevant to the thread. Why not make your own thread about holidays since that is not the OP's reason for being upset but clearly some kind of big issue for you.

Show quote history

But that's what the Op said and then changed tack when she didn't get the answers she wanted.
Similar to several other threads with entitled Ops recently 🤔

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:12

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 21/03/2023 21:09

When my df won big money neither me nor my dc got as much as a bag of sweets.. Can't imagine winning even a nominal amount and not treating my dc...
At least if they need care in old age op you won't be getting called upon...

Why? Does caring for one's parents come with a price tag?

whittingtonmum · 22/03/2023 19:13

For me the question is: would your parents help you out if you really needed it? IE one of you looses their job/gets sick and can't work etc? If they would step up and help you then I would stop stressing about their wealth and regard them as my safety net. So in this scenario it wouldn't matter if you had no savings because your rich parents are helping out.

In your current situation you don't really need financial help. Once you are rid of the childcare costs you will be fine and can build up savings & go on holiday. A £18k budget just for holidays seems excessive. I recommend Homeexchange. Great & affordable way to travel with kids.

I don't think your parents are rich enough to start paying private school feels for DCs and possibly future gcs from your sibling.

In their position I probably be also cautious of giving my money away if the family of my dcs don't really need it. You are 35 with young children and I would be concerned about divorce and a future ex-husband walking off with half of my hard earned money at some future point - especially because you don't need the money at the moment.

I think you are run down with responsibilities like all mums with young kids and a job and are resenting your parents for not making it better. I would focus on yourself and your family and try and count my blessings.

If your parents don't help you out you also have more wriggle room on how much you feel obliged to get involved in caring for them should they ever need it in future.

lifeturnsonadime · 22/03/2023 19:14

The OP literally gives the fact she has to holiday in the UK rather than abroad as an example of the hardship she faces in life.

You have serious comprehension issues if you think that the issue for the OP is not thinking that her parents should be funding better holidays.

alwayscheery · 22/03/2023 19:16

Nosleepforthismum · 22/03/2023 15:59

My DH has a similar situation with his family in that his parents had nothing when he was born and then became very wealthy when he was in his teens. His parents made huge sacrifices, went bankrupt and put everything they had on the line for one particular job opportunity which fortunately paid off. They then subsequently had more DC who had a very different upbringing to my DH and want for nothing.

The difference between my DH and his younger siblings is huge. They are lovely but they have expectations of what will automatically be provided for them. Cars when they turn 17, house deposits, uni fees paid for, holidays etc. They are in their 20’s now and I know my in-laws are struggling with trying to get them to stand on their own two feet as they can’t seem to hold down jobs and have high expectations on properties they expect to live in and what cars they are prepared to drive.

It has really opened my eyes to how helping your children in this way is not always a good thing. My DH and I have discussed extensively about what to do with our own DC. We are financially fine in terms of being able to pay the mortgage and bills but no holidays, rare meals out, second hand clothes etc like most other couples with young kids. However, we have a plan to really increase our finances once the kids are at school and if successful will also mean that we will have a really nice retirement and enough money to travel the world and just not have to worry anymore.

I think I’d be very upset if my children at 35 expected us to partially fund their lifestyle to make their lives easier while simultaneously appearing to not acknowledge the sacrifices we had made earlier in our lives to be in the position we were in.

Thing is, you don’t really have any idea of the sacrifices or their situation when you were young and what they did to now be in their position. I would try not to compare your and their situations because the reality is that you have no idea what their circumstances were 30 odd years ago and neither do you know where you will be 30 years on!

This is a brilliant post.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/03/2023 19:16

But that's what the Op said and then changed tack when she didn't get the answers she wanted.
Similar to several other threads with entitled Ops recently 🤔

Well you've got that a bit wrong but 🤷‍♀️

And Loads of posters saying how much they enjoy treating/ gifting to / helping their kids and grandkids out. RTT. And many who have benefited for them.

It's not really about 'providing' for them.

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:17

WandaWonder · 21/03/2023 21:11

There is helping because parents choose too, and kids expecting to be helped to me there is a difference

Exactly this.

toxic44 · 22/03/2023 19:19

I don't quite grasp why you think your parents ought to give you their money when you say yourself they've worked hard to have financial freedom. When my mother went into care (I was living abroad but looking to return to UK) she sold me her house for top market price. When I told her it would leave me with nothing she said that was the price she could get and that she was helping me by not selling to anyone else.

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:19

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 21/03/2023 21:15

Sharing is caring
Yanbu.

Sharing is caring........? Is that from a cereal box?

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:22

Moonlightisenthralling · 21/03/2023 21:22

It's so tricky, my DF is a bit the same. He's not super rich but he's very comfortable, retired for 40 years, wouldn't cross his mind to even take us out for lunch. He says he's leaving it all to us which is lovely but I just don't get why you wouldn't want to enjoy it with your family whilst you're still alive. Baffles me, oh and yes he will be giving 1/3 of it to HMRC when the time comes ....

To HMRC to be spent on things like NHS..............

TheyAreMadeOutOfMeat · 22/03/2023 19:24

Anyone spending 18K on childcare is not 'living hand to mouth'.

What an absurd comment!!! Laughably stupid. For many families that exactly why they are living hand to mouth. What would you suggest they do? Leave the kid in the street and mooch off to work? Or give up one of their jobs so they can't afford their house?

Unbelievable that some people are this insane. Childcare is not a luxury bill. 🙄🤣

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:25

midgemadgemodge · 21/03/2023 21:33

They didn't grow up rich
You are not rich now
No one gave them help

It might just be that you seem to be coping as well as they did at your age so they have no worries for you

But getting older they have worries for themselves

This is wise.

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 19:26

lifeturnsonadime · 22/03/2023 19:14

The OP literally gives the fact she has to holiday in the UK rather than abroad as an example of the hardship she faces in life.

You have serious comprehension issues if you think that the issue for the OP is not thinking that her parents should be funding better holidays.

Well you've got that a bit wrong but 🤷‍♀️
Well read the above.
It's all in the Op

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 19:27

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:19

Sharing is caring........? Is that from a cereal box?

Show quote history

😂

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 22/03/2023 19:30

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:19

Sharing is caring........? Is that from a cereal box?

Show quote history

It's all I got 🙆

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:33

Wotnowconfused · 21/03/2023 21:54

Your parents made it on their own with hard work and clever investment. Follow their lead and stop moaning and emulate them rather than berate them.
There is greater satisfaction making it yourself rather than have it fall into your lap. Let's them enjoy the fruits of their labour without you thinking you deserve it too.

Yes, this; good advice.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/03/2023 19:35

Well read the above.
It's all in the Op

Yep. Read the ACTUAL OP.

venus7 · 22/03/2023 19:39

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 22/03/2023 19:30

It's all I got 🙆

Show quote history

O.K.

Crazycrazylady · 22/03/2023 19:45

I agree that of course it would be nice if th try helped you out given that they seem to be able to afford it but if not , then I wouldn't resent them for it which you seem to.

It's one thing if o be thrilled with a gift which you badly need, it's quiet another to be resentful of not getting one

I think that's what people on this thread are reacting to.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/03/2023 19:47

Can't wait to help out my kids - just like my parents ( classic boomers ) helped me.

There's nothing I'd like to do more actually. And even if it will probably be less, I don't think it's the amounts that really matter.

Clearly it takes all sorts. But giving with warm hands seems such a great mantra.

Maybe, you never know, OPs parents would actually enjoy going on a holiday with their DC and GDC. You know, see it as an actual pleasure.

😁