Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

I have said that if I can afford it I will put money aside to assist any grandchildren I have with costs of education / and or for them to put a deposit on a home. How is doing that rather than funding foreign holidays for my children selfish?

The "foreign holiday" red herring.

Time and again OP has pointed out they would have been delighted with a contribution to the mortgage or as savings or as initial deposit.( as you plan to do - so apparently reasonable ) and Indeed probably cost a whole lot more than a "foreign holiday".

You insist on dragging out the " foreign holiday". Which was just a simpler, cheaper example of how OP's family could have spread the goodwill in their direction. Not the only way. 🙄

I think I’d be very upset if my children at 35 expected us to partially fund their lifestyle to make their lives easier while simultaneously appearing to not acknowledge the sacrifices we had made earlier in our lives to be in the position we were in.

Partially fund our lifestyle? I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration to be honest, based on what I’ve said on this thread. Can you point to what I’ve said which you think counts as “funding our lifestyle”?

I acknowledged in my very first post that my parents worked hard for their money.

As for standing on our own feet. Well, we’ve worked full-time since we were 21 (and part-time before that, when we were studying), paid for childcare to allow us to do this (no family help), and have raised the funds for a deposit and mortgage payments ourselves, making sacrifices in order to do it. Does that not count as standing on our own two feet?!

Your OP consisted of moaning about the fact you have had to holiday in the UK rather than abroad and that your parents can afford to take cruises.

You then went on to complain that your mother was able to work part time and you are not.

So please forgive me for thinking that you resent your parents standard of living and think that they should be subbing yours.

Any money I set aside for grandchildren would be to sub university fees not for private school. State education is adequate.

The cost of property continues to rise so it remains to be seen if a bit of help with the deposit will enable the lifestyle you believe you are entitled to on the basis of your parent's hard work.

of course it's standing on your own two feet. It's what most people do. It's what I have done.

I don't begrudge my mother or wish she would pay for me to have foreign holidays.

Or complain that she has better clothes than I do.

Just waiting with my bingo card for mentions of iphones, avocados or takeaway coffees. 🤣

I mean the final line of your OP said -
So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

Yes I think you are. You literally moaned in your OP that you have had to take holidays in the UK and not abroad.

You have moaned that you have had to stand on your own two feet.

You have moaned that your mother could work part time and you can't.

You have subsequently moaned that your mother can buy clothes and you have to purchase on vinted.

I just couldn't be so bitter. I really couldn't. I'm 11 years older than you. I've had no handouts when my parents could have handed out. The difference is I don't think they owe me anything.

I don't begrudge my mother or wish she would pay for me to have foreign holidays. .

Back to the "begrudge"

It was " resent " previously.

Nope it's about sharing a bit. just like you're doing for your kids.

keep digging.

I think perhaps some posters are having us on and making a joke out of pretending to fit the clueless gammon-people stereotype. 😏 "Subsidise your lifestyle" etc, surely nobody actually thinks or speaks this way about their own children?!

I’m sure I read earlier upthread that your ideal would be to have the means to go part time (if your parents were able to financially support this) but apologies if I’ve got that wrong.

My post about not standing on their own two feet was about my DH’s siblings and was meant to be part of a wider view of why giving financial support to adult children is not necessarily a good thing.

I've had no handouts when my parents could have handed out. The difference is I don't think they owe me anything.

Why are you going to be giving your kids handouts?

You seem more focused on the fact that you never had handouts.

But seem to think it's a good thing to be doing for your children. Why bother?

You never had any.

Nope it's about sharing a bit. just like you're doing for your kids.

Yes because I want to, that is my choice.

My parents didn't choose to help me out. I didn't expect it and don't resent them for it, it is their money, they can do with it as they see fit. I'm not entitled to be subbed as an adult. I have no expectation or wish for it. If I inherit then that will be nice but I couldn't care less if my mother spent it all travelling the world either, her money her choice.

Just in the same way I wouldn't want my adult children to expect handouts either.

After income tax it'll be around £50k for two people - do you think a couple earning £50k each are rolling in it?

Yes because I want to, that is my choice.

Of course it is.

Why though? Why do you make that choice?

Clearly not every parent does, even when they are able to. See OPs parents.

OP are you DH’s parents alive, have they helped you?

After income tax it'll be around £50k for two people - do you think a couple earning £50k each are rolling in it?

Without dependents, or mortgage they will still be better off than many many people in this country.

God help the rest of the retirees not on £100k plus a year. 😄

I'm not sure what you are not grasping here.

Because I want to, not because I'm morally obliged to.

No adult should feel entitled to their parent's money. It is up to the parents to decide how to spend their money.

Feeling bitter because your parents haven't given you money is so odd to me, I don't feel bitter in the way the OP does because I never felt entitled to my parent's money as an adult.

@lifeturnsonadime

I'm not grasping anything.

I'm curious why you are making that provision for your kids as young adults?

I'm guessing ( forgive me if I'm wrong ) it's because you love them and want the best start for them.

I imagine that OP is struggling to understand why even though it seems her parents have wealth they haven't ever chosen ( as you have ) to share any of it with them.

The choice is the thing here. And what that choice implies.

Regardless of how entitled your kids turn out to be, you have chosen to do that for them.

It's because I can afford it and want to.

I'm not sure it's an indicator of love as such. I don't think spending money on a person is an indicator that you love them more. Love is shown in a multitude of ways.

I certainly don't think my parents loved me less because they didn't fund my wedding or give me a shit load of cash to put towards a mortgage. What an odd thing to think.

Feeling bitter because your parents haven't given you money is so odd to me, I don't feel bitter in the way the OP does because I never felt entitled to my parent's money as an adult
This is the crux of it.
Some people feel entitled to other people's time, resources and money and others don't.
It's a Narc trait, extreme jealousy and entitlement.

They don’t sound particularly rich, you don’t sound particularly poor.. I think their job was to bring you up with an education so you can stand on your own two feet financially.. not sure why you expect them to pay for you now so you can relax a bit more?
They should be enjoying their retirement .. as you said yourself they worked hard for their money.. they are probably expecting you to do the same? you sound fairly comfortable and maybe they don’t think that you are at a point where you need parental subsidy..

Parents who don’t help their children out, adult or otherwise, are pretty shit tbh. I couldn’t think of anything worse than swanning off on a cruise several times a year while my children and grandchildren were struggling.

My parents very kindly helped me and my sibling, they gave generously to charity and their attitude to money has rubbed off on all of us. My kids have JISAs etc., they give pocket money to charities and they will most definitely get house deposits off me and help with whatever else I can manage.

OP you are entirely reasonable!

while my children and grandchildren were struggling.

How is OP struggling.

Her examples are having to take UK holidays not foreign ones and not being able to work part time and not yet having savings, they will have an additional £18K when they lose their childcare costs very soon.

That's not struggling at all. It's wanting more than they can currently afford.

Giving of your own free will is very different to expecting.
It's the eyeing of what other people have and feeling bitter and jealous that's the issue.
It's not reasonable at all!

Hmmmm yes there seems to be an insight here in what you've said: that it's often people whose parents could not help them because they were not in a position to do so (but also seem jn many cases to have been the type who absolutely would have if they could have), who then seem to have an idea that helping their own children when they are able to would be a bad thing. Extremely odd, you'd think it would be the opposite: surely the whole point of working hard to earn more money in the first place is to avoid future struggles for your family, not see it as some sort of moral virtue to make them suffer, too, when not needed.

I find it very strange and it is totally at odds with how most cultures view family wealth at any level, in that the general view in mosf cultures I'm familiar with is that its entire purpose is to help the following generations. Not to make you feel superior to them while you boast about cruises. 🤣 Also very interesting that people with very significant wealth going back generations take the absolutely opposite view to these people who want to hang on to it all until they die: in families with significant generational wealth it's always been about conserving that wealth and how to pass it down to children and grandchildren in the most effective way.

I think it is something perculiar about a generation (again not all, but a large proportion of them have these views that other UK generations and other cultures do not generally share) who largely became far, far wealthier than their parents, primarily due to extremely favourable economic circumstances during the period of their working lives. Basically if you are aged 60-80 then unless you were very lazy or very unlucky it was highly likely you'd end up comfortable at least, if not rather well off and much better off than your parents (assuming you didn't come from an already wealthy family). Grammar schools, free university, cheap housing, jobs boom, inflate away mortgages, so much made of high interest rates but for a short period of time plus MIRAS!!!, possible to live on one salary so no extortionate childcare cost, cheap foreign travel as you hit middle age, final salary pensions for many, even much higher compound growth on savings and investments... the list goes on. So perhaps some weird kind of cognitive dissonance where there is some assumption that because this was possible for almost anybody in those economic conditions it must therefore be the same now? Obviously silly but this is why when people bang on about "lived experience" rather than analysing data it can lead to such false conclusions, because by definition it gives you a very myopic and limited perspective.

The "not understanding" is just about excusable, because that type of cognitive dissonance is a well-researched thing. The assertion that you want your children to suffer like you (believe you) did instead of wanting their lives to be better than yours was (if you have the means to make that happen), make things easier and happier for them, is peverse at best. Seems to be a huge empathy bypass among many and some very unusual levels of selfishness and strange views about family wealth that just do not translate to common views across the world or to other generations in the UK.

Again, obviously there are many exceptions and people that age who do not think or behave this way! But a disproportionate amount do seem to, compared to others, and I wonder why that is. It's interesting. I wonder if any psychologists have ever done a study on it. I do also wonder when these people reach the end of their lives whether they'll still believe, deep down, that treating their families in such a way was a good idea. I find it quite alien.

I'm not sure it's an indicator of love as such. I don't think spending money on a person is an indicator that you love them more. Love is shown in a multitude of ways.

Hmmmm. Yes. Not sure it's usually demonstrated by enjoying luxuries while people you purportedly love are stressed and exhausted and worried about money and you could easily take those problems away without any negative impact whatsoever on your own life. 🤣

Obviously people have other ways of showing love AS WELL and most people would do both if they could. But to deliberately NOT help a child or GC financially when you can and it would make a huge difference to their lives is not exactly showing love is it? Love isn't a feeling, it's about what we do.