Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

Not sure if they are as "rich" as you think.

Two holidays a year & 100k income + rental income isn't really rolling in it. Did your mum work or is that their total income?

*Not sure if they are as "rich" as you think.

Two holidays a year & 100k income + rental income isn't really rolling in it. Did your mum work or is that their total income?*

all relative I suppose 😂

Multiple holidays a year (the two cruises are the latest bookings) and 220k income minimum…

Well, obviously it would be of use. Why would you think it wouldn’t be?

I literally said above that hypothetically if they gave us a sum of money we would put it towards overpaying our (huge) mortgage.

All of your questions are answered in the thread. I have one sibling and no they didn’t pay for my wedding or contribute to a house deposit. Or pay my rent at uni, I had a loan.

Two holidays a year & 100k income + rental income isn't really rolling in it. Did your mum work or is that their total income?*

To be clear though , you don't think £100k a year and the rest, plus no dependents or mortgage isn't a great lifestyle?

I know 'rich and rolling in it are subjective but I think that's very very decent.

Like the average UK salary is £38,000.

MN blows my mind sometimes.

Again, they will be paying hefty tax on their pensions so no, their income isn't as much as some people think.
Your mother also took a hit with her own pension because she worked part time and not at all for 10 yrs, was this during your childhood at all op?

I can still remember the frisson of shock and horror when I asked to borrow £5 from my very well off parents, years ago, in the early seventies. I was desperate at the time.
I never asked for anything again.
And I didn't get anything either.
I'm not anywhere near as rich as my parents were but I’ve tried to help my DC out where I can. I wouldn't have them feel as I did.

Yes and I’ve accounted for that in the (very approximate and conservative) calculations.

Obviously they pay tax, as do I and you and everyone else.

Do you know something I regularly on mn try and put across the opinion that nobody deserves their parents’ money or house- whoever earned it deserves to do whatever they wish. In particular people asking for help, I say ‘but that’s their money that has to tide them over however long they live- which is true- people on here say ‘but they’ve 100,000’ and I think ‘yes but they either have no income or it’ll be ending soon so they’ll need to have that money for up to 20 or 30 years!!’ Saying that, seeing that they’re splashing it, as opposed to trying to save every last penny, and seeing you seem so nice (whispers: I hope they help you out op)!!

How do you know you wont need it for yourself.

What if you need to pay for your care etc?

How do you know something wont crop up?

People should make their own way in life and see any inheritance as a bonus when their parents have gone. Some dont even get money when parents have passed. No better pleasure than making it yourself.

My DH has a similar situation with his family in that his parents had nothing when he was born and then became very wealthy when he was in his teens. His parents made huge sacrifices, went bankrupt and put everything they had on the line for one particular job opportunity which fortunately paid off. They then subsequently had more DC who had a very different upbringing to my DH and want for nothing.

The difference between my DH and his younger siblings is huge. They are lovely but they have expectations of what will automatically be provided for them. Cars when they turn 17, house deposits, uni fees paid for, holidays etc. They are in their 20’s now and I know my in-laws are struggling with trying to get them to stand on their own two feet as they can’t seem to hold down jobs and have high expectations on properties they expect to live in and what cars they are prepared to drive.

It has really opened my eyes to how helping your children in this way is not always a good thing. My DH and I have discussed extensively about what to do with our own DC. We are financially fine in terms of being able to pay the mortgage and bills but no holidays, rare meals out, second hand clothes etc like most other couples with young kids. However, we have a plan to really increase our finances once the kids are at school and if successful will also mean that we will have a really nice retirement and enough money to travel the world and just not have to worry anymore.

I think I’d be very upset if my children at 35 expected us to partially fund their lifestyle to make their lives easier while simultaneously appearing to not acknowledge the sacrifices we had made earlier in our lives to be in the position we were in.

Thing is, you don’t really have any idea of the sacrifices or their situation when you were young and what they did to now be in their position. I would try not to compare your and their situations because the reality is that you have no idea what their circumstances were 30 odd years ago and neither do you know where you will be 30 years on!

" Obviously they pay tax, as do I and you and everyone else. "

Can you not appreciate that they are paying considerably more tax on money that has already been taxed?
Perhaps you will only realise that once you draw your own pension.

Did your mother work part time and not at all for 10yrs during your childhood?

How much do you need in old age though? The parents have excess and could give something now. If they don’t use the money IHT will be high unless their assets are not large.

You don’t need trusts to give money. You just give it! We have £millions in property. We will liquidise it eventually and give more away but leave enough for old age. DH still wants a Porsche or two!

@jennybrightcandle
I am confused. How did £100,000 pa pensions get to £220,000 income? Where is the rest coming from? The rental property? Assume this is gross. The second figure is very different from the first you gave.

I don't understand this comment. Money paid into a pension is not taxed on the way in. It is taxed on the way out but at the same rate as for other income. On top of that as a pensioner you don't (currently) pay NI and presumably aren't paying into a pension. So the payment from a DB pension of, say, £100k will be more than the take home pay of someone who earns the same amount through employment.

Can you explain your comment further?

How so, why do you think that parents of adult children should fund lifestyle choices at the cost of their own comfortable retirements?

What is unpleasant is the grift. The expectation that as an adult your mother or father should fund foreign holidays and the like

I think family is family and they should support each other however they can. Nobody's suggesting you leave yourself destitute but it does sound like you are being very selfish and also irrational from a tax perspective and also trying to conjure reasons to justify what you're doing. My family would never watch another family member struggle because we think we "deserve" a better liftstyle than they do. I couldn't enjoy luxuries knowing people I love are struggling for money and worried and can barely cover basic living costs. That is what is unpleasant.

It shows a huge lack of care for the wellbeing of even own children which to most people is baffling and yes, not really a nice character trait is it? It's not "grift" for it to be expected that families share what wealth they have. It's unpleasant for a well-off family to leave their children to struggle with money and many people would consider that shameful. It's just not the done thing amongst many people, to be so selfish and possessive of money.

Many of us view being able to pass it on and help family as the entire purpose of working hard to build some wealth in the first place. But of course you're free to continue to hoard it and watch your children and grandchildren be poorer than necessary if you wish, then donate a large proportion of it all to HMRC. How utterly pointless. But of course, entirely your decision! May as well burn half of your house down, or withdraw a large sum and have a bonfire with it. But yours to do with as you please, if that's what makes you feel happy.

£100,000 ish in pensions + state pension + £100,000 ish in consultancy income (all figures very approximate)

This. That's the normal way to try to set up the next generation if you have the means, then they will be able to provide for themselves just fine. And pay it forward to the next generation and so on, as you say. Obviously not everybody does have the means but to have the means and not bother then flaunt your wealth at your children like some posts on the thread describe, while telling them they deserve to struggle, is a very odd way to go about family relationships!

but it does sound like you are being very selfish

In what way is saving to help my children to pay a deposit on a home then expecting them to fund their own foreign holidays and live within their means selfish?

I have said that if I can afford it I will put money aside to assist any grandchildren I have with costs of education / and or for them to put a deposit on a home. How is doing that rather than funding foreign holidays for my children selfish?

I do not know a single 35 year old who moans about having to holiday in the UK and expects their parents pay for them to holiday abroad.

I do not know a single 35 year old who thinks that their parents should put them in a financial position to enable them to work part time rather than full time.

This is what the OP is moaning about. The OP isn't poor the Op just wants her parents to top her lifestyle at their expense.

I'm in the strange they don't help children or grandchildren a bit when they have so much. Some people are just tight, or perhaps they think you should earn your own money. However, if it were me I would share the wealth around a bit.

I understand op. We recently had to help fil with some banking and we're totally gobsmacked at his savings. My in-laws were lucky enough to inherit properties etc from their parents, pensions are extremely good, they've worked hard. Their home was bought for 2000back in the day, it's 800k now.
We have to help them maintain this big house as they refuse to downsize. They live just downstairs. It's daft.

Ten years ago our dd became seriously ill. I had to give up my job, she was in hospital on and off for 3 years. We were struggling. Then our car broke. Dh asked his dad if he could lend 250 pounds for just two months to get it fixed so he could visit us in the hospital. He refused. This was the one and only time we've ever asked for help. Never again.

So you can imagine the shock and yeah a bit of anger my dh feels now he knows his dads financial position.

We help our adult dc where we can. And if fil leaves us anything in his will (I'm not presuming), then we are going to share it between them to get on the housing ladder etc pay off uni loans etc. it's what family do! Look after each other.

Seriously, I mentioned foreign holidays once. As an example.

By your reasoning, how on earth is paying for private education not “topping up their lifestyle”?

I hate to break it to you but if you pay for the deposit on their house, your children are then more likely to be able to afford a foreign holiday.

You seem to be fixating on this thing about hokidays when that is not the point of what the OP is saying, she's already stated that. The point js that had her parents helped towards a house deposit when she was at that lifestage (or indeed if they made a significant mortgage overpayment for her now as they could clearly afford to) then she'd be set up to have a much better standard of living, and be able to take her own child on holidays, as well as not worrying all the time about money and being able to then save money to later help her own children in the same way instead of wasting money on mortgage interest. Not sure if you're being deliberately obtuse but it's quite obvious that the most effective way to pass on family wealth is to do so young to middle aged adults, when it will make the most difference to their life chances and therefore also those of subsequent generations.