Page 15 | Very rich parents

jennybrightcandle · 2023-03-21T20:56:04+00:00

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case. When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work. They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc. We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!) This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same. I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can. So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

Original poster

jennybrightcandle · 22/03/2023 14:13

alwayscheery · 22/03/2023 14:11

I most certainly will not be funding overseas holidays for adult children but if we see they are in need of a break we offer to book a holiday and we might pay for the flights , pay for the accommodation or book a large house in the UK and then pay for all the food and alcohol and organise all the meals. Alternatively we might go with them in order to facilitate 2 free child places.(we do need to lie down in a dark room for a few days to recover when we get back.)

Would you think of holidaying with your parents to reduce the costs?

Of course. If they offered to pay for a holiday I wouldn’t think they meant without them.

OP posts:

neilyoungismyhero · 22/03/2023 14:13

When I worked into my middle 60s I gifted my grandchildren and my children with random treats and loved doing it. Now I'm no longer working I don't have much spare income but give what I can when the grandchildren go on holiday and days out. I just can't understand seeing your kids struggle when you have the means of making their lives a little easier especially when they're working their bollox off daily to survive.
Parents can be weird.

Mammajay · 22/03/2023 14:15

Ask them for a long term low interest loan

Original poster

jennybrightcandle · 22/03/2023 14:16

AbuelaGetTheUmbrellas · 22/03/2023 14:06

@jennybrightcandle you are definitely not being unreasonable. Some of the replies are ridiculous- how can someone say they are actively saving (throughout their children’s childhood) to enable them to gift their children a deposit for a house, and in the same breath say you are unreasonable for feeling hurt your parents haven’t done the same for you?

Both my parents and PIL gifted us over £150k for our first house - it is because of them we are able to be mortgage free in our late 30’s/early 40’s and can afford for me to work part time etc. I will be eternally grateful to both sets of parents for giving us the head start they did, the way I intend to pay them back, is to do the same for my kids. If your parents had done the same for you, you probably wouldn’t need any help to afford holidays and could comfortably work part time. Those posters saying you are being entitled for expecting your parents to fund your holidays or allow you to work part time, are completely missing the point! If your parents had helped you with a deposit all those years ago, you would probably be in a better financial position today and wouldn’t need help to pay for holidays etc. I struggle to see why your parents can’t just say to you, “we didn’t have funds to gift you a deposit 20 years ago, but we’re in a better financial position now and want to give you £50k towards your mortgage”.

Either they really have no idea about how CoL crisis is really affecting you (in which case you need to make it clearer to them that you are actually being impacted) or they have some strong ideals about their adult children being self-sufficient/making it without help (not much you can do about that).

Yes this is absolutely it. Had we had that money earlier then it would have bought us more freedom now.

Although for what it’s worth their financial position changed massively in their 40s, so around 25 years ago (some PPs have assumed it was after they retired, not sure why!)

OP posts:

Outnumbered99 · 22/03/2023 14:21

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP I can't imagine not helping my children out in your parents situation, not handing everything to them at 18 but to ease their life in 30's/40's I don't know why they wouldn't.
Unless its that they genuinely have no idea how tough things are for a lot of people at the moment, and they think you don't need it?

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 14:22

AbuelaGetTheUmbrellas · 22/03/2023 14:06

@jennybrightcandle you are definitely not being unreasonable. Some of the replies are ridiculous- how can someone say they are actively saving (throughout their children’s childhood) to enable them to gift their children a deposit for a house, and in the same breath say you are unreasonable for feeling hurt your parents haven’t done the same for you?

Both my parents and PIL gifted us over £150k for our first house - it is because of them we are able to be mortgage free in our late 30’s/early 40’s and can afford for me to work part time etc. I will be eternally grateful to both sets of parents for giving us the head start they did, the way I intend to pay them back, is to do the same for my kids. If your parents had done the same for you, you probably wouldn’t need any help to afford holidays and could comfortably work part time. Those posters saying you are being entitled for expecting your parents to fund your holidays or allow you to work part time, are completely missing the point! If your parents had helped you with a deposit all those years ago, you would probably be in a better financial position today and wouldn’t need help to pay for holidays etc. I struggle to see why your parents can’t just say to you, “we didn’t have funds to gift you a deposit 20 years ago, but we’re in a better financial position now and want to give you £50k towards your mortgage”.

Either they really have no idea about how CoL crisis is really affecting you (in which case you need to make it clearer to them that you are actually being impacted) or they have some strong ideals about their adult children being self-sufficient/making it without help (not much you can do about that).

The Op didn't mention sensible stuff like a house deposit just whined about a foreign holiday.
Perhaps it's the Ops attitude they don't like?
Zero savings but prioritises a holiday 🙄

fiftiesmum · 22/03/2023 14:26

Like PP I want to give with warm hands. We have had well paid jobs with final salary pensions and have been very lucky with decent investments so I want to give to DC's and not to the taxman.
However DH is very much against this thinks the money won't do them any good - although he would be quite happy to give to his DB who doesn't work (but could).

sunglassesonthetable · 22/03/2023 14:31

The Op didn't mention sensible stuff like a house deposit just whined about a foreign holiday.
Perhaps it's the Ops attitude they don't like?
Zero savings but prioritises a holiday 🙄

Oh don't be daft. OP mentioned holidays because it's not uncommon to see GOs taking their families away on holidays.

probably cost a bit less than a house deposit (

Ihavekids · 22/03/2023 14:32

I dont think you can really call them rich.

They don't have unlimited cash, they have made smart decisions and for all you know have a strict budget to work to, one that yes includes 3 cruises a year. They've worked hard all their younger years to afford that

Perhaps they want to see you do the same, live within your means and grow sensibly.

Perhaps they don't know how stressed you are about money.

Why don't you just ask them? Say, Mum, we're all exhausted and would love a holiday, but money is tight and we just can't afford it, would you like to come with us and pay for the whole thing?'

They might surprise you and then hopefully your resentment will decrease?

Other than that, I don't see why they have to fund your lifestyle. You set up the life you lead. I think they want you to make decent financial choices and don't want to enable otherwise.

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 14:33

sunglassesonthetable · 22/03/2023 14:31

The Op didn't mention sensible stuff like a house deposit just whined about a foreign holiday.
Perhaps it's the Ops attitude they don't like?
Zero savings but prioritises a holiday 🙄

Oh don't be daft. OP mentioned holidays because it's not uncommon to see GOs taking their families away on holidays.

probably cost a bit less than a house deposit (

Daft?
To make going on holiday a priority over savings?
Yeah I'm daft as a brush !

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 14:34

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 14:33

Daft?
To make going on holiday a priority over savings?
Yeah I'm daft as a brush !

Show quote history

Not!

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 22/03/2023 14:36

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 22/03/2023 12:40

Surely it depends on your definition of “rich”. I would describe these people as financially comfortable, but by no means rich. Rich to me would be so much money that you would never realistically run out. We all view things differently according to our parameters.

Show quote history

Yes, and it is safe to say the kind of wealth described is so far in excess of the average that, if your 'parameters' don't consider it to be rich, you yourself are also quite rich (compared to the average). There are people whose definition of rich is "mortgage paid off, debts cleared, £5k buffer in the savings account". A LOT of people. Then there are the people (fewer) who might bring themselves to acknowledge that young Elon Musk is doing really rather well for himself these days. I think it is pretty easy to see whose perspective is the more rooted in the generally experienced reality.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/03/2023 14:37

To make going on holiday a priority over savings?
Yeah I'm daft as a brush !

Who said that exactly? 🤔

I think " the holiday " thing is that it's a bit more commonly done. And not as expensive. And a kind of throwaway remark from OP.

But convince yourself that's only what she was thinking about.....

girlfriend44 · 22/03/2023 14:37

YABU make your own money.

I assume youll get your inheritance when they die, until then its theirs let them enjoy their life. See how you can improve your own finances. Jealousy is awful especially about your own parents.

Original poster

jennybrightcandle · 22/03/2023 14:37

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 14:22

The Op didn't mention sensible stuff like a house deposit just whined about a foreign holiday.
Perhaps it's the Ops attitude they don't like?
Zero savings but prioritises a holiday 🙄

Show quote history

Well a house deposit wouldn’t be much help now would it, after we’ve already bought a house 🙄

It was just an example because I know this is an area where lots of parents help their offspring (there are multiple examples of that on this thread). For the record, once childcare costs reduce, we will be prioritising savings over a holiday. I’m pleased to know you will approve of that.

OP posts:

NeshNamechanger · 22/03/2023 14:40

jennybrightcandle · 22/03/2023 14:37

Well a house deposit wouldn’t be much help now would it, after we’ve already bought a house 🙄

It was just an example because I know this is an area where lots of parents help their offspring (there are multiple examples of that on this thread). For the record, once childcare costs reduce, we will be prioritising savings over a holiday. I’m pleased to know you will approve of that.

Show quote history

Great news Op
Which makes me wonder why you still think your parents should be giving you money?

Ultimately its their money and its best to get on with life and not constantly eye other people's money.
If you will have an extra 1.5 K ish per month shortly then you are very fortunate!

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 22/03/2023 14:44

OP you’ll be able to help your own DC with house deposits when you inherit.

sunglassesonthetable · 22/03/2023 14:45

I love that phrase ' give with warm hands'.

Original poster

jennybrightcandle · 22/03/2023 14:51

LooksLikeASugarInAPlum · 22/03/2023 14:44

OP you’ll be able to help your own DC with house deposits when you inherit.

Yes, we fully intend to help them with house deposits in any way we can - whether we inherit or not. I would choose to prioritise this over other spending (including cruises).

OP posts:

Weallgottachangesometime · 22/03/2023 14:52

wow. Shocked that people don’t consider Ops parents “rich”. I guess that’s matter of perspective then.
My parents, recently retired, live in a local authority bungalow, have very minimal/zero savings and low/average pensions. To me the ops parents seem very wealthy. Don’t cruises cost upwards of £3000 per person. To me that’s a huge amount of money for holidays every year. Again I guess it’s all relative to your life experience though.

Not to say they have to spend that wealth on their family mind.

fairycakes1234 · 22/03/2023 14:53

No, my parents helped us out with a mortgage, and i loved both of them so much for helping us (loved them regardless) but they always put us first, same way Id like to think id do same for my kids, cant imagine id be going off on holidays and if i earned that much and one of my kids couldnt bring their grandkids on holidays , it would just be wrong.

fairycakes1234 · 22/03/2023 14:55

girlfriend44 · 22/03/2023 14:37

YABU make your own money.

I assume youll get your inheritance when they die, until then its theirs let them enjoy their life. See how you can improve your own finances. Jealousy is awful especially about your own parents.

@girlfriend44
i would never assumed shes jealous, what gives you that idea. Sounds like shes struggling a bit and isnt it human nature to wonder what if?? Nope, not jealous

VestaTilley · 22/03/2023 15:22

I think YABU I’m afraid. Do you have siblings? If they helped you all equally that might be a lot. And maybe they don’t know you’re struggling. Maybe they think you’re too proud to accept help? Or maybe they didn’t have help so wouldn’t occur to them to offer it to you. Did they help pay for your wedding or give anything toward your house deposit, or pay your rent while you were at uni? They may think they’ve done their bit already.

YABU, I’m afraid. Everyone knows childcare costs a lot and we’ve been lucky for years that mortgage interest rates have been low (DH and I only - finally - got a mortgage

VestaTilley · 22/03/2023 15:23

Message cut in half.

I think YABU I’m afraid. Do you have siblings? If they helped you all equally that might be a lot. And maybe they don’t know you’re struggling. Maybe they think you’re too proud to accept help? Or maybe they didn’t have help so wouldn’t occur to them to offer it to you. Did they help pay for your wedding or give anything toward your house deposit, or pay your rent while you were at uni? They may think they’ve done their bit already.
YABU, I’m afraid. Everyone knows childcare costs a lot and we’ve been lucky for years that mortgage interest rates have been low (DH and I only - finally - got a mortgage 18 months ago, so sadly missed the boat on low interest rates).
You’ll feel better off soon when DC are in school. Your parents have done well through hard work, and probably are well aware that they need to save ££££ for future care home costs.
It would be nice if they took you on holiday etc, but they’re not obliged to. DH and I were loaned a bit of money to help with house deposits (a few thousand, not tonnes) and are paying it back. We’ve always paid our own 4 day a week childcare bill. We pay a big mortgage because we chose to live in a nice, but pricey, area. If our DPs help us that’s kind, but it’s not expected. Count your blessings.

alwayscheery · 22/03/2023 15:24

A contribution directly to your mortgage provider would be of great use. My FIL was not a particularly generous man but he was happy to make a mortgage overpayment directly to the building society to reduce his youngest daughters mortgage but he would not pay for holidays or clothing as he was quite a frugal man. Hence the direct payment.

But hey ho OP maybe you think it wouldn't be much use now.