Very rich parents

[jennybrightcandle]

I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here or not. I may be a terrible person and am willing to be told so if that is the case.

When I was growing up, my parents had a fairly average income. I had a fairly “normal” upbringing: 3 bed semi, camping holidays, state schools etc. However, over time, my parents have become very rich. Partly luck of course, but also a lot of very hard work.

They are now in a position where they can go on multiple holidays a year (they’ve just booked two cruises for this summer, for example). They own two properties outright (one they live in, one they rent out). They are fairly open about their finances and so I know that as well as claiming a final salary pension, my dad is also still bringing in around 100k a year in investments and consultancy work. They have told me that they have full holdings in premium bonds etc etc.

We are fairly typical of our generation in that we both work full time in order to pay our mortgage. Neither of us particularly enjoy our jobs but we can’t career change or reduce hours as we need the money. We haven’t been on holiday overseas since 2015. We are doing fine and not on the breadline, but things are tight. We don’t currently have any savings although hopefully that will change soon as our youngest will be starting school (previously we were paying around 18k a year on childcare!!)

This is where it gets a bit embarrassing but am I being totally unreasonable to think our parents could maybe…help us out a bit?! I mean, I look at some of my peers who have had significant parental help towards buying a house or free childcare etc. And I just find it a bit odd that they haven’t thought to do the same.

I know I shouldn’t expect it and that they have no obligation whatsoever to provide anything now that I’ve left home but I just find it kind of hurtful. They have so much money and we live fairly hand to mouth each month. I honestly can’t imagine being like this with my own children and plan to help them out as much as I can.

So…am I being horribly unreasonable, materialistic and grasping 😬?

There are different types of “struggling” and you can be coping ok (as we are) but still exhausted, stressed, juggling everything etc and knowing a little extra money would help. Surely you recognise this as presumably you will help your kids out even if they can still feed and clothe their kids. I don’t think it is a red herring at all.

I have no intention of funding lifestyle choices in my adult children. They are being taught to live within their means. Just as we do. If it means we can't afford it or have to tighten the purse strings according with COL rises than that is what everyone has to do.

The small amount of money set aside to assist with a property purchase is the limit of what we intend to give. We work hard and expect to enjoy our retirement. We may put money in trust for any grandchildren for education purposes or for property purchase, if means allow. We certainly won't be paying for foreign holidays or handing our so that our kids can have a better lifestyle.

I had no expectations my parents would fund nice clothes or holiday or sub my mortgage so that I can work part time nor has any adult that I know.

Exactly this. I just think if I am able to help my children out when they’re older, I will. Because why wouldn’t I? I just can’t see why I wouldn’t.

They have chosen not to help us out, even though I think they could afford it (although I know one or two posters seem to think they can’t).

I don’t understand why they have made that choice.

I think you are BU mainly because it sounds like you know a lot more about your parents' financial position than they do about yours. If they are, as you say, generally open about money, they may well assume that you'd do the same and actually tell them if you needed help. But you also say that your mum was surprised to learn recently that your childcare costs are so high, and that you have no savings. Your parents have likely been assuming that you are doing fine, and if they think about it at all, probably assume that you don't go on many holidays because it's hassle with small children.

I was lucky enough to receive help with a house deposit from my parents when I was in my 20s (now in my 40s). But my parents had more assets than yours, though lower retirement incomes, so they had that cash available - yours may not have done. Once I was working and had a house, they wouldn't have thought to offer me money unless I'd said I needed it - they'd have assumed I didn't. And in fact (like your mum) my dad was surprised to find out how low my salary was in a professional job that used to be better paid before many years of below-inflation pay rises...

Anyway, if your parents genuinely are open about money and happy to talk about it, it's probably the right time for you and your sibling to have a frank discussion with them about estate planning. You're likely to end up as executors anyway. And as your parents have a high income, it's likely they're not spending it all and could avoid some IHT by paying for some of your DCs' expenses etc. You could mention as part of that discussion that you're actually quite stretched.

I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling the way you do. It was a lot easier for their generation to buy houses as the prices were far lower (even though interest rates were terrible in the 80s) and salaries were more representative. Final salary pensions were still a thing too. The cost of living has increased ridiculously over the last 30 years and incomes aren't going up to match.

They don't have to help you but it'd be nice if they would. I suspect they're isolated from the "real world" and somewhat ignorant about how you can't just "do the same thing they did" and "try a bit harder". Many people of that generation would rather believe it's laziness that's preventing success, rather than a material change in the world.

You don’t seem to understand my point and I don’t understand your logic so we’ll probably never agree on this.

PIL are well off but still everything done on the cheap. Eating out for example wouldn't be done without a voucher. They don't travel. Kitchen and bathroom over fifty years old. GC got a £30 cheque for their 18th.
They generously though gave SIL £20k for her house deposit and paid for all her wedding. DH got nothing for either.
Don't get it.

The small amount of money set aside to assist with a property purchase is the limit of what we intend to give.

Unfortunately none of us have crystal balls for the future though.

In years to come and if you are able, you might think "i'd love to take the younger dimes on a lovely holiday - they need a break...."

Hardly " funding lifestyle choices" 😄

I don't live in particularly super affluent area but I do see grandparents taking families on holiday. It really isn't uncommon.

Still laughing at " lifestyle choices" - honestly would that just be a nice holiday?

😄

OP agree with @ZacharinaQuack . Your parents just might not get it.

Things have changed SO much since they were in your position.

I'm well of but I never do anything without a voucher code
Got £142 off DD's upcoming holiday yesterday by combining site and voucher schemes 🤷🏼‍♀️ why not?

I don't live in particularly super affluent area but I do see grandparents taking families on holiday. It really isn't uncommon.

How do you know who is paying for the holiday?

My dad and his dp are positively thrilled that we are working very hard while they go on their umpteenth holiday a year. It's a bit " we had to work hard so now it's your turn." Despite all the boomer perks.

They do help sometimes but not with a house deposit or wedding expenses.

How do you know who is paying for the holiday?

I only know if I've been told.I wouldn't just assume who was paying.

I'm all for a bargain but then MIL sat and moaned about the quality of the salad. They've eaten there before so know exactly what they're getting. Cheap food. Their contribution to Xmas day lunch for ten was two £1 cheesecakes from Morrisons.
Tight. Spoiling experiences whilst the money piles up.

YANBU OP I totally get it and I don't understand parents like yours.

If I have the finances to help DC and DGC I will absolutely be doing so.

Wow. How unpleasant.

your parents can't be very clued up about inheritance tax etc, husband and i are 'giving with warm hands', best description I have ever heard about family money

How so, why do you think that parents of adult children should fund lifestyle choices at the cost of their own comfortable retirements?

What is unpleasant is the grift. The expectation that as an adult your mother or father should fund foreign holidays and the like?

The generalisations about Boomers really piss me off.

According to the definition I just fall into this group but none - and I mean none - of the descriptors on this thread apply to me, or my friends.

It inevitably sours inter-generational relationships when lazy, ageist tropes are trotted out unthinkingly.

OP, YANBU and I don't think you sound grabby or entitled. We love sharing what we have with our children and grandchildren, it gives us so much pleasure.

@cptartapp oh dear that's awful imo. A voucher code is one thing but I agree that is spoiling what should be nice experiences.

Whether people / parents are generous hardly have anything to do with wether they are "rich" or not. There is no point to debate if OPs parents are "rich" or not.

There are plenty parents who are not particularly well off but still willing to help kids whenever they can. It doesnt havr to be financial, it could be help with childcare etc.

There are also parents who live comfortably but dont want to spend a single penny or a minute of their time on their grandkids or adult kids. In the end it really depends on what kind of people they are.

@jennybrightcandle you are definitely not being unreasonable. Some of the replies are ridiculous- how can someone say they are actively saving (throughout their children’s childhood) to enable them to gift their children a deposit for a house, and in the same breath say you are unreasonable for feeling hurt your parents haven’t done the same for you?

Both my parents and PIL gifted us over £150k for our first house - it is because of them we are able to be mortgage free in our late 30’s/early 40’s and can afford for me to work part time etc. I will be eternally grateful to both sets of parents for giving us the head start they did, the way I intend to pay them back, is to do the same for my kids. If your parents had done the same for you, you probably wouldn’t need any help to afford holidays and could comfortably work part time. Those posters saying you are being entitled for expecting your parents to fund your holidays or allow you to work part time, are completely missing the point! If your parents had helped you with a deposit all those years ago, you would probably be in a better financial position today and wouldn’t need help to pay for holidays etc. I struggle to see why your parents can’t just say to you, “we didn’t have funds to gift you a deposit 20 years ago, but we’re in a better financial position now and want to give you £50k towards your mortgage”.

Either they really have no idea about how CoL crisis is really affecting you (in which case you need to make it clearer to them that you are actually being impacted) or they have some strong ideals about their adult children being self-sufficient/making it without help (not much you can do about that).

I’m still so confused by your argument. If I’d said it would really help if my parents gave us money towards a house deposit (although it’s a bit late for that now) and private education for our DC - is that then acceptable? Since that is what you plan to contribute towards for your own offspring?

Really wish I never mentioned a holiday. It was only an example of the type of thing I know other people find for their DC occasionally.

Steady on, if your nose gets any snootier a bird will have off with it.

I most certainly will not be funding overseas holidays for adult children but if we see they are in need of a break we offer to book a holiday and we might pay for the flights , pay for the accommodation or book a large house in the UK and then pay for all the food and alcohol and organise all the meals. Alternatively we might go with them in order to facilitate 2 free child places.(we do need to lie down in a dark room for a few days to recover when we get back.)

Would you think of holidaying with your parents to reduce the costs?